411’s WWE Velocity Report 12.06.03

I don’t know what to say besides the fact that I’m sickened. I couldn’t believe it when I read that Jerry “The Wall” Tuite was found dead this morning. Two months ago, we knew too many wrestlers were dying. Now, it’s just ridiculous. I feel sad, and I feel frustrated. Tuite was a decent performer, and the character of The Wall suited him to a tee. He could’ve been a player in the business.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the old Saturday Night Special, Velocity! Last week’s episode was below average, but hopefully, we’re in for something different this time around. Before we get started, though, it’s time for SCOTT FACTS!

Scott Fact #1:

Scott Fact #2:

Now, let’s see what this week brings us…

Usual opening, usual announcers.

Hey, there’s a guy in the audience with an anti-Jericho sign. Should you tell him he’s at Smackdown, or should I?

Akio (w/ Tajiri) versus Funaki
Funaki has the momentum after his win over Nunzio last week, let’s see if he takes advantage of it. I’m thinking big fat hairy no. Tajiri and Akio are both in the ring, and they bow to start. Funaki disrespects his own culture by slapping them both on the backs of their heads. He kicks Tajiri, hits Akio, and gets whipped by Akio, but nails Tajiri with a baseball slide to send him out of the ring. Funaki gets an armdrag on Akio, followed by a dropkick. He covers, but only scores a two count. Funaki backs Akio against the turnbuckle, and gives him the old corner punch combo, but Akio lifts Funaki and Snake Eyes-es him on the rope. He follows up with a spinning kick, a choke with his boot, and a stomp. Finally, Akio applies a sleeper, but Funaki gets out, and whips Akio. Akio reverses the whip, but he telegraphs, and Funaki comes back with a backslide for two, followed by a schoolboy for two. Akio quickly changes the score, as he hits a high leg lariat on Funaki. Akio delays before making the cover, and only gets a two count. He takes Funaki over the corner, and applies that hanging-over-the-rope leg choke he’s been using lately. I like that, it’s a nice variation on Tajiri’s tarantula. Now, only Sakoda needs an illegal rope hold. After he breaks the hold, Akio covers Funaki, but only gets two. He lifts Funaki up, and snapmares him, then applies a hybrid of a Cobra Clutch and a VELOCITY LOCK! Funaki gets out, so Akio whips him to the corner, then charges in with a sweet somersault kick. Nice work, Akio. And here, I was worried that his sideburns were the source of his power. Funaki, however, is less than incapacitated, as he gets a bulldog on Akio. Both men get to their feet, and Funaki goes to work AND goes to town (maybe he works in town?) on Akio with punches, a back elbow, and an enziguri for a two count. Funaki climbs the turnbuckle, and gets a flying crossbody on Akio for two. Funaki goes to run the ropes, but Tajiri trips him up. Akio charges, but gets sent to the apron. He goes for a sunset flip on Funaki, but Mulletor sits down on him. He gets a two, but the kickout sends Funaki’s face down to the bottom rope, where Tajiri nails him with a kick. Akio makes the cover (and he gets his feet on the ropes for good measure), and gets the three.

Winner: Akio
Match Time: 4:40
Rating: **1/2
Commentary: Had he used the Akio Time, I’d have gone a little higher in my rating. Unfortunately, it was not to be.

Commercial.

We are shown the Eddie-Chavo-TWGTT happenings from Smackdown. The more I think about it, the more sense Matt Biscuiti’s idea makes. Of course, he could be totally wrong, and Chavo could end up swerving us by being addicted to AIRPLANE GLUE!

Commercial.

Kanyon and Chad Collyer versus London Spanking
Collyer’s a terrific wrestler. He ought to be signed. That way, he can be on Velocity every week. Spanky and Collyer start off. Collyer gets a drop toe hold into a headlock, but Spanky reverses into a headlock of his own. Headlocks and armlocks are traded (pay attention to this- it will come up later, I promise) until Collyer gets whipped and the two criss-cross running. Eventually, Spanky gets an armdrag into an armlock. Collyer gets out of it, and Kanyon pulls Spanky down by the hair, as he gets too close. Collyer tags Kanyon in, but Spanky throws punches at the Innovator of Offense, followed by a high leg lariat for two. London gets tagged in, and the faces attack Kanyon with a double whip, a double hiptoss, and a double elbow drop, which all gets a two count. Hmmm, apparently, if three guys had done all that to Kanyon, it would’ve resulted in a three count. Kanyon gets to his feet and punches London, but he hurts his hand and tags Collyer in. Chad hammers away on London, but London takes the lead back with a nasty looking (in a good way) spinning wheel kick. London puts Collyer in an armlock, and tags out to Spanky. They give Collyer a double whip, then knock him down. London does the springing moonsault out of Spanky’s hands, and gets a two count. Collyer manages to keep it together, as he whips Spanky, and since Kanyon is holding the ropes open, Spanky flies to the outside. Kanyon lifts up Spanky and tosses him in the ring, and Collyer gives him a back suplex for two. Chad lunges at London with a punch, and then goes back to work on Spanky. Kanyon is tagged in, and he hits Spanky with a delayed vertical suplex for two. He then utilizes a charging backbreaker, which he holds, making it a submission hold. Spanky escapes by slamming his knee into Kanyon’s head, but Positively Kanyon has the presence of mind to cut Spanky off from making the tag. Champagne puts Spanky on his shoulders, and heads to the second rope, but Spanky wriggles out and powerbombs Kanyon. Both men are down, and they both want the tag. They both get it. Well, it is the holiday season. Kanyon tries to interfere, but gets a back elbow from Paul London. London nails Kanyon with the Dropsault, and manages to land on the incapacitated Chad Collyer for a two count. Kanyon gets back to his feet and grabs London, holding him for Collyer. London manages to get out, and as he does, Spanky flies in with a missile dropkick to Kanyon. Kanyon rolls to the outside, but sidesteps a Spanky baseball slide, and punches Spanky down. Kanyon gets back to the apron, but Spanky comes back in, and with London, gets the Kick Flatliner on Collyer. While London gets the three count, Spanky holds Kanyon back. Post-match, Collyer is busted open rather nastily.

Winners: Spanky and Paul London
Match Time: 7:06
Rating: ***1/4
Commentary: Hey, three guys who can wrestle + seven minutes for them to do their thing = good match.

Commercial. Something scary is coming up, I can feel it.

Orlando Jordan versus Greg Groothius
I knew it. My spidey-sense is never wrong about these things. They lock up to start. Groothius (wasn’t that the leader of the lost boys in “Hook”?) gets a waistlock. Orlando reverses into a headlock. Then, we trade waistlocks. Remember when I told you to remember the chain wrestling sequence in the previous match? That’s because that one was better than this one. Groothius gets whipped, but knocks Jordan down with a shoulder. Jordan gets to his feet and gets an armdrag into an armlock, but Groothius gets out and tackles Jordan with another shoulder. Jordan’s up again, and they do some criss-cross running, followed by a sorta-blown leapfrog (Groothius was too slow). Jordan gets his usual hiptoss, dropkick, and an armdrag into an armlock. Once again, Jordan brings out one nice move, as he turns the armlock into a Fireman’s Carry takeover, and goes into a cover, which gets two. Groothius is back, though, and he gets Jordan into the corner, and lands several knees and punches. He whips Jordan into the opposite corner, and charges in with a sweet running knee lift. They don’t use that move often enough anymore. Groothius applies a neck vise, which is okay, I guess, because Palumbo isn’t on tonight. He takes Jordan down, and then twists his head. Jordan gets up, and gives Groothius a jawbreaker, followed by a flying forearm, a dropkick, a whip, a back body drop, and PUNCHES! In a move symbolic of the entire match, Jordan botches the Orlando Magic, and gets the three.

Winner: Orlando Jordan
Match Time: 3:35
Rating: *
Commentary: All I’ll say is that Greg Groothius made Orlando Jordan look like a great wrestler in comparison.

Commercial Time.

On Smackdown, Benoit beat Cena, Brock beat Benoit. These are three good guys to build Smackdown around. Of course, now that Nathan Jones is gone (and how strange is that story, by the way?), Vince’ll go into Hoss Withdrawal and give Matt Morgan the World Title.

Commercial. Rhyno-Bradshaw after the break.

Bradshaw versus Rhyno
Still no Faarooq, unfortunately. The two lockup to start. Bradshaw backs Rhyno into the corner, breaks clean, and the two lockup again. Bradshaw gets a headlock, but Rhyno pushes him off. Bradshaw comes back with a shoulder, taking Rhyno down. Rhyno gets up and goes for a hiptoss, but Bradshaw blocks and takes the former champ over. The two start brawling pretty evenly, but Bradshaw edges ahead when he whips Rhyno to the corner. He beats up on Rhyno and sends him to the canvas. When Rhyno is sitting, Bradshaw gets a charging shoulder to Rhyno’s back. Bradshaw heads over pick Rhyno up, but the behorned one pushes Bradshaw out of the ring. ‘Shaw is unshaken, though, as he pulls Rhyno out, and whips him into the stairs. He beats up on Rhyno a bit longer, then sends him back into the ring. This time, Rhyno beats up on Bradshaw, sending him to the corner, then nailing him with a charging shoulder. He follows up with a short arm clothesline, which gets a one count from the uber-generous Bradshaw. Rhyno applies by a rear chinlock, but Bradshaw gets out. However, Rhyno unloads with some punches, kisses his fist, and punches again, scoring a two count. Rhyno chokes Bradshaw on the middle rope, then lifts him to his feet, slams his head against the turnbuckle, and administers a chop in the corner. He snapmares Bradshaw into a rear chinlock, but The Shaw gets up and elbows him off. Rhyno whips Bradshaw, but Rhyno telegraphs, then takes a punch and a DDT. Around this time, Bill DeMott makes a comment about how “in every match on these shows, we’re seeing the same thing.” You ain’t just whistling Dixie, bub. Bradshaw gets a back elbow on Rhyno, followed by a couple of corner clotheslines, and a floatover suplex for two. Just call him Justin “Hawk” Malenko. Rhyno whips Bradshaw to the corner and goes for a crossbody, but Bradshaw catches him and throws him over with the Last Call. He signals for the Clothesline from Hell, but Rhyno dodges and pulls the referee in the way. Bradshaw manages to stop, and he catches a charging Rhyno with a big boot for three. Post match, Rhyno hits a GORE.

Winner: Bradshaw
Match Time: 5:48
Rating: *3/4
Commentary: Man, do I hate Bradshaw. Rhyno works best as the dominatOR, not the dominatEE.

Sounds like that’s the evening, folks. If you wanna shoot me a line, e-mail [email protected]. Starting Monday, I’ll be posting in my 411Black Log, and I’ll be regularly contributing columns (both wrestling and non-wrestling related) to 411Black. Goodbye.