411’s WWE Legend’s House Report 4.24.14

Despite the rumor circulated by Steve Cook that I would not last a week reviewing this show, I AM BACK! I’m also angry because the Colorado Avalanche and Oklahoma City Thunder lost and sports are really stupid. Don’t invest in sports, kids, just keep watching wrestling because, as disappointing as it can be sometimes, IT’S NOT STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

We pick up where we left off last week, with Roddy Piper standing in the middle of nowhere in his bathroom and looking at the moon. “I guess I should go home. When you get out, it’s like getting out of Alcatraz, where you gonna swim to?” Remember when WCW had Piper lock himself in Alcatraz? I wonder which was worse. Piper’s time in WCW or his time in the Legend’s House. We get highlights of crazy Piper in his career and a shot of him falling into the pool and beating up the water.

Hillbilly Jim snores really loud. Consuela the maid shows up and wakes up Hillbilly. “Good morning.”

Atlas says that there a bad vibes between him and Duggan. Jimmy Hart talks to Duggan about the situation, trying to keep the peace. Atlas and Duggan burying the hatchet and let things blow over by speculating what they’ll have to do today instead of actually talking about what happened. Either that whole thing went nowhere or these two are gonna shoot on each other by the end of the season.

Ashley Cook (I don’t know her last name, I’m just trying to do my buddy a favor) arrives and says that the guys have been invited to play a polo match. Hillbilly and Duggan are the two teams. Duggan picks Piper with the first overall pick. I bet this works out better than Anthony Bennett. Team Duggan is Piper, Patterson, and Fink while Team Hillbilly is Atlas, Jimmy, and Okerlund.

Atlas is not a fan of horses. “If the horse come within 10 feet, I’m gonna hit it.” With that reach he should be fighting Jon Jones.

The guys arrives and watch a polo game. They are amazed. Atlas still hates horses. He would’ve loved ECW. After a wardrobe change, Ashley Cook returns. She doesn’t know much about polo, so she brings in an expert. He introduces the horses, which are golf carts.

Duggan makes a good point that the guys should drive the golf cart and the girls should hit the ball. That would’ve been much more interesting if all wrestlers drive golf carts like the Big Show at Wrestlemania 17.

Jimmy scores first for Team Hillbilly. THEY SHOW HIGHLIGHTS OF JIMMY HART CELEBRATING AND SCREAMING INTO THE MEGAPHONE! Fantastic editing. Team Duggan ties things at 1. Atlas and Piper try to hit each other with the golf clubs. Team Duggan takes a 2-1 lead just before the half.

Piper doesn’t know why there is a halftime. Atlas’ cart break and Jimmy says that the goal shouldn’t count. Fink says that if the cart was out of commission, it’s like a power play in hockey. Not the Avalanche power play. Team Duggan makes fun of Team Hillbilly for crying. HIGHLIGHTS OF PIPER BEATING UP JIMMY! “One thing I can’t stand is being involved in something so contrived,” says Okerlund. Awesome.

The ref says that if this were real polo and there were an injured horse, play would stop. So a faulty cart = an injured horse and the goal doesn’t count. And if wrestling were real life, everyone would be in jail. I hope Piper hits the ref. I bet there haven’t been many ref bumps in polo.

So it’s 1-1 to start the 2nd half. Okerlund gets his stick knocked out of his hands. “HE TOOK MY GIMMICK!” So we get a clip of him low blowing Kanyon in WCW. Team Duggan scores again as a couple of carts collide. The Fink takes a good bump out of the cart. Team Hillbilly ties it at 2 just as regulation ends.

They go to a shootout. Skills competition? That’s lame. THIS IS A TEAM SPORT! Hillbilly takes the shot for his team and misses. DUGGAN SHOOTS AND SCORES! THE TJ OSHIE OF GOLF CART POLO! USA! USA!

The guys have a nice lunch after the game and talk about old times. “It was nice to hear for the 2000th time,” says Atlas. Ashley Cook returns and says there are consequences for the losing team. The losing team has to go shovel some horse poop. We get the Goodbye Song from the winners. Shockingly, the guy named Hillbilly Jim is cool with cleaning horse stables. Atlas turns face and makes nice with the horse. But the horse heels on him and rejects his apology.

Jimmy Hart tells us how we can achieve the Jimmy Hart Hair Do.

Atlas tells us that, after taking the test, if his IQ were 1 point less, he’d be a banana. “If you spend 10 minutes with Tony, you’ve wasted 10 minutes,” says Jimmy. Atlas rambles on about McDonald, Burger King, the internet, Ric Flair, the peanut, and a bunch of other stuff. “Tony tells great stories, but there is no ending,” says Patterson. Poor Tony, he just wants someone to talk to.

Fink wants to get in shape while he’s in the house so he does some laps. Where is Jimmy to help him?

Ashley Cook shows up to the house and invites everyone to exercise at her gym. The guys are excited to see girls at the gym and workout with them. The guys do a zumba workout. I’m pretty sure all them would die if they did a real zumba workout. Most of them just dance like Emma. Patterson and Okerlund take a seat early. Jimmy has weight lifting gloves on for this workout.

Back at the house, the guys don’t understand how to defrost steaks. Jimmy only likes baked potatoes and beans. Patterson and Okerlund decide to give up on thawing the steaks and play cards. The rest of the house is not happy that they decided not to cook.

Piper and Duggan decide to order takeout. They don’t know where the closest place is, so they use a GPS. By the time Duggan and Piper figure out the GPS, Atlas is grilling chicken and hamburgers. The house is very happy with the meal Atlas has cooked up. Duggan and Atlas hug it out.

Thoughts: The golf cart polo was fun while it lasted an Ashley, my lord, but really this show isn’t doing much for me. Reality TV thrives on drama and there isn’t a whole lot of drama going on thus far. The show is put together well and there are some funny moments, but it really feels like nothing is happening. As weird as it sounds, there might be too much reality in this reality show.