411’s Total Divas Report 05.04.2014

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Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella look at bridal magazines since their nuptials are in two months. They talk about how they should kiss on the night in question, which leads to Bryan doing his best impression of Pac-Man while going after his fiancée’s tongue and Brie making fun of the lack of romance in Nattie Neidhart’s life. That poor, poor woman.

Team Summer’s Eva meets up in a hotel room, and Summer Rae is upset because one of her ex-boyfriends is getting married. She’s particularly upset about this because it seems like she’s the last woman each one of these guys dates before his wife. So she’s the layup that guys need in order to get their jumper going. They mention the possibility of Eva’s beau Jonathan hooking Summer up with somebody. Given Jonathan’s most recent performance on this show, that’s not the worst idea in the world.

Jon Uso and Trinity’s camouflage footie pajamas are in bed together. They have a frank conversation about birth control. Jon refuses to wear a condom. He also already has two children with a different woman. Gee, I can’t imagine why. You’d think that, as horny has Jon has been portrayed in prior episodes; he’d do anything he could in order to score, whether he had to wear a hat on his Jimmy or not..

Summer, Eva, Ariane, Brie, and Nattie meet for brunch, because you can’t get through a Total Divas ep without a brunch. They talk about Summer’s marital woes (or rather non-marital woes), and the crew attempts to convince her that she should hook up with Fandango. In doing so, Brie reveals that she began dating Bryan as a result of the storyline that they had together back in 2010. You know, the angle were the Bella Twins were idiots and thought that Bryan was a virgin because the announcers referred to him as a vegan. Actually, now that I think about it, that sounds quite a bit like a Total Divas storyline.

Come to think of it, didn’t Daniel Bryan wind up with another, non-Bella woman at the end of that storyline? Hmm . . . I wonder whatever became of her?

We get footage of Emma and Santino going up against Fandago and Summer Rae. It’s not bad enough that this feud never seemed to end on Raw, now I have to see it on this show as well. Great.

Backstage, Summer is wearing an outfit which is half-dress and half-bra and flirting with Fandango. They make a date for later in the week. Careful, Summer, this didn’t work out too well for JoJo. First her relationship with Fanny fizzled, and her role on the show followed shortly thereafter.

Brie and her mother, who I still swear looks younger than Brie (and I mean that as a compliment to the mother, not an insult to Brie), go shopping for a wedding dress. The bride-to-be finds one that works, but she’s upset that Nikki wasn’t there when she put it on. Nicole eventually does show up, at which point the family asks if Nikki is OK with Brie getting married in light of her situation with Cena. What’s she going to do, deep six her sister’s wedding out of jealousy? I guess less plausible things have happened on this show . . .

Eva Marie and the Funkadactyls are travelling together, and the subject turns to birth control again. They talk about the possibility of getting a birth control implant, with Trinity in particular being interested. Eva attempts to convince her that she should have a conversation with Jon about it before she proceeds, but Ariane and Trinity disagree, with Trinity in particular saying that it’s her body. I can’t disagree with her there, even though it puts me into the camp of agreeing with Ariane, which is not a place that I normally want to be.

Speaking of Trinity, we get footage of her running in on AJ Lee from a WWE Main Event taping as she talks in a confessional about how she’s got her sights set on the women’s championship. Well, we all know how that one ended.

The Bellas are dress shopping again, this time for the bridesmaids. They immediately get into an argument as to whether the dresses should be elegant or skanky. I’ll give you three guesses as to who is on what side of the debate, and the first two guesses don’t count. Nikki is afraid that she’s going to be made to look frumpy. Yeah, maybe you are, but the day isn’t about you, so shut the hell up and wear what your sister picks out.

Also, based on prior storylines, if she is concerned about the outfit being too frumpy, she just has to take it down to Florida and compare it to what’s in Nattie’s closet.

Trinity goes to the OBGYN with her mother, who I believe is making her Total Divas debut. Trinity tells mom that Jon is not aware that she’s going through with the procedure, and mom is not happy. Honestly, I’m not happy either, because I wanted them to find a way to get Sandra to take Trinity to the doctor instead of her mother. Would it have been somewhat contrived? I’m sure it would have been, but how is that new territory for this show?

After a break, we’re in the waiting room, and mother Gracy keeps ratcheting up the pressure. There is a shot of Trinity’s mother from behind walking into the doctor’s office, and it becomes abundantly clear where Trinity got her, ahem, “assets” from. Genes are amazing things. So are jeans, in this case. The implant is inserted, and Trinity notes that you can feel it but not see it. I hope this leads to a storyline on Raw where she uses the implant to knock people out, a la Lex Luger’s loaded forearm.

Summer and Fandango meet up for their date. In the first ten seconds, he says, “I’m always single” and “I take what I can get,” two phrases that should immediately shoot up flags that he’s not boyfriend material. When they arrive at the bar, he says “this is where I can come to get drunk” and names off a dozen other regulars who are at the establishment. Red flag number three. He orders them drinks and she immediately starts talking about how strong they are. Red flag number four. He shuts down all of her attempts to make small talk. Red flag number five. She says that she can’t tell if he’s making fun of her or flirting. Red flag number six.

It is now clearer than ever that Fandango’s character on this show is a creepy date rapist. He is eerily good at it. He is also the most consistent character on the show, despite not being a regular.

Also, why does everybody call him “Fandango” like it’s his real name? Couldn’t you at least pretend that his name is Dan? Dan Fango.

The Bellas and their boys are at the gym, and Brie keeps asking Nikki questions about the wedding much to Nicole’s chagrin. There is a weightlifting joke about “snatches” somewhere in here.

Fandango and Summer are back in their car. They make it clear that she has done numerous shots. Uh oh. They decide that they’re going to hit the pool at his place, but first they drink some more. Fandango proposes a toast to being single. Red flag number seven. Despite said flag, Summer lunges at Fanny and attempts to forcibly suck all of the alcohol back out of his mouth.

However, she immediately recoils, says, “I feel weird,” and pulls back off of him. Within five minutes, she’s walking out the front door. That is the safest place for her.

BrieBry are driving, and they talk about how Brie was upset at Nikki’s attitude earlier in the day. Bryan completely no-sells her outrage. Good man.

At the WWE Performance Center, various members of the cast are working out. Summer says that she’s going to keep what happened with Fandango under wraps. You’re doing a lousy job of it, since you’re talking about it on a television program that is viewed by an absolute minimum of one million people every week. Everybody else marvels at Trinity’s new birth control implant. As if on cue (because it is), Jon Uso shows up. He asks about his wife’s implant, and she says that there’s a big elephant in the room. Oh, sure, NOW Rikishi shows up after missing the wedding. Seriously, though, Trinity admits that she’s got a birth control implant as we head to a commercial break.

I’m sure that Bill DeMott really allows for all of this lollygagging to go on in his gym.

On the other side of the ads, Jon is upset about Trinity’s choice. She says that she’s got the right to do what she wants with her own body. Yup. That’s correct. He walks off.

The Bella Twins get into a fight about whether Nicole will help Brie put together her wedding invitations. Nikki says that there has been “too much wedding stuff lately.” Uh, you went shopping for dresses TWICE, and you were extremely late for one of those sessions, to the point that you may as well not have been there at all. That’s all we’ve seen you do. Eventually Brie walks off and tells Nikki that she’s being bumped from her maid of honor spot. Not a spot like a liver spot, not a spot like her dog Spot, but her maid of honor spot.

Whatever you do, don’t fill it with Curt Hennig. That never ends well.

Following another commercial break, Brie is driving with Mama Bella Cathy, though the . . . unpleasantness . . . with Nicole comes up. Cathy suggests that Nikki’s actions might be the result of her feeling uncomfortable because she may never marry John Cena. That’s valid, but it also seems like the sort of thing that you would suck up and gut through in order to be supportive of a family member.

Backstage at a WWE taping, Summer Rae and Fandango meet up and talk business but transition into Summer leaving Fanny with blue balls. Fandango talks about feeling like a “piece of meat” and having his heart broken, which sounded like high drama when it was edited into the show’s commercial bumpers but, upon viewing in context, it is abundantly clear that he is just screwing around and doesn’t care. By the way, that’s red flag number eight for any woman out there who might consider dating him. The duo decides that they’re going to keep their relationship on a professional level from here on out . . . and then they never had any problems with each other at any time, ever again.

Speaking of awkward backstage meetings, here are Trinity and Jon. Trinity apologizes to him for her decision and restates her dedication to having children in the future. Also, she mentions that she won’t be menstruating while the implant is in, so Jon can have sex with her 365 days a year. Yeah, they had the emotional, “I trust you” moment, but that last bit is REALLY what sold him on the concept of the implant.

Hey, let’s make it a three-peat of backstage heart-to-hearts! Brie approaches Nikki and asks for a private conversation, because she doesn’t want to talk “in front of all these people.” Despite her desire for privacy, THE CAMERAS STILL COME WITH THEM, just like they did for the Summer Rae/Fandango botched make out session. Contradiction, thy name is Total Divas. They make up, after which Nikki tries to coax Brie into admitting once and for all that she is a shemale. Now THAT would be a reality show plot twist worth of M. Night Shyamalan.

The show’s over. Next week on the show, the eyes have it. Specifically, Trinity’s eye has it. From Aksana. I’m interested to see what they do with that one.

Overall: On the sliding scale of awful on which you have to rate episodes of Total Divas, this one was somewhat better than the norm. One of my big complaints about the program from its beginning has been that the cast acts in ways that no human being would act in the real world (though a few people have tried to tell me that I’m incorrect on that point). However, in this case, some of the situations were contrived, but at least people’s motivations and reactions were for the most part believable. I can understand a 30 year old woman like Summer Rae being upset about not having settled down and doing something less-than-reasonable as a result of it. Though I hope I wouldn’t act the same way in the same situation, I can understand Nikki Bella being jealous of her sister’s wedding when it looks like she might not have a wedding herself. I can understand Trinity wanting to get birth control against her husband’s wishes, and I can understand him being upset about not getting told about the situation in advance. Granted, I don’t understand why they’re hauling camera crews along with them when they want privacy, but we’re at least taking some steps in the right direction.

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.