411’s WWE Legends House Report 5.15.14

Previously: Duggan and Atlas continued to get on each others nerves. And that’s about it.

We find out that Atlas likes to draw when he’s angry. “So he’s been drawing the whole time he’s been here,” says Duggan. Mean Gene works out with Atlas every morning. Shouldn’t The Fink being doing that? Atlas gives Piper a hug and thanks him for talking to him and getting him to calm down the night before.

Atlas and Hillbilly Jim head to a butcher shop to get some meat for cooking. Atlas is craving some pickled pigs feet and pigs tails. The butcher brings out a pigs head, but the guys decide not to get it. REALLY?!?!?! You have a frozen pigs head and you decide not to buy it, even as a prank? I hate this show. Hillbilly shows Jimmy Hart all that he’s bought and Jimmy doesn’t like any of it. They discuss eating bull penis. Fink and Mean Gene aren’t a fan of the meat either. They want cereal. Atlas says he’s been cooking all his life. “If it’s edible, I can cook it.” Coming soon to WWE Network: Cooking with Tony Atlas. Now they discuss the smell of the pigs feet. This segment is like the Kane vs. Daniel Bryan feud. It’s terrible and never ending. Atlas finally cooks the food and starts to chow down. No one else has any. THIS SEGMENT WAS 15 MINUTES!

Ashley Cook, wearing a bikini, calls everyone out to the pool. Obligatory shot of her coming out of the water. The Legends take off their shirts and the mood is killed. The Legends are going to do water aerobics with a professional. The instructor yells at the Legends when they slack off and Jimmy Hart doesn’t get his hair wet.

Hillbilly and Jimmy chill, play guitar, and write songs. They’re trying to write a song that sums up their Legends House experience. “We lived in a house. There was a hot chick. Atlas got on our nerves. Wanted us to eat bull dick.” Jimmy says how well he and Hillbilly get along as Hillbilly yells at him for his terrible song writing.

Ashley Cook is back. Creepy Gene is creepy. She says that they are going to create art for charity. Jimmy wants Atlas to kind of supervise everything because he likes to draw but Atlas just throws a fit and leaves. They should’ve called Nattie Neidhart to help them out. They stand around for ten minutes trying to figure out what to paint and how to paint. Jimmy wants Atlas to draw all the Legends and Atlas once again walks away, but he finally comes around and joins the group.

The Legends put their handprints on a canvas and sign it. Patterson tells a story about Koko B. Ware’s bird and teaching it to say “f*ck you” as he draws a bird. Atlas paints a sad clown. They end with an abstract piece, which is just everyone smearing colors on the canvas. Fink creates a Legends House crossword. Mean Gene says this is a dumb idea. They pick 4 pieces. One is the hand prints, one is abstract with nothing but color, the other is abstract with minimal colors, and the other is Atlas sad clown.

They head to the art gallery. Jimmy Hart goes out on the street with his megaphone and yells at people to come to the show. The show begins, everyone mingles, and the silent auction begins. “An art connoisseur” describes the minimal abstract piece as a bloody matador fight. Ashley Cook arrives and is very proud of Atlas and his sad clown. They end up raising over $1200 for charity.

End show.

Thoughts: Another Thursday, another waste of 45 minutes. The Atlas vs. Duggan feud that they’ve been teasing wasn’t advanced at all and, once again, nothing seemed to actually happen. It’s not even “watch WWE Legends act crazy and do funny things.” It’s just “watch WWE Legends act pretty normal and do normal things.” 5 episodes left.

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