411’s WWE Legend’s House Report 5.22.14

Previously: Atlas cooked food that no one liked, Ashley was in a bikini, and the Legends sold art.

The kitchen stinks thanks to the food that Atlas cooked. Jimmy tries to help clean out the fridge, but Tony gets angry. “I’m what you call an extremist. I’m either extremely horrible or extremely nice. There is no grey area with,” says Tony. Vince Russo could’ve never booked this man. They end up throwing away $250 worth of food. THERE ARE STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA!

Dudes in costumes show up. Fink delivers the line of the season with, “you don’t look like Ashley.” His timing was perfect. They are not Ashley. They are a wizard, I think, and a guy in a bad Vader mask. The Legends are going to take part into a Live Action Role Play (LARP). Princess Ashley Cook has been kidnapped. All that is left is one of her heels, which Tony sniffs and rubs. THE PRECIOUS!

They are introduced to legendary weapons, all of which have special powers. Piper’s weapon instantly kills people. So he hits Tony with it a bunch of times. The Legends are given the rules, Piper is not happy with rules in a fight. They Live this is not. Hillbilly compares LARPing to pro wrestling. He’s not exactly wrong.

The Legends head to a costume shop to get suited up. They have fun in the shop, trying on wigs, dresses, dinosaur heads, bunny ears, and more. Piper wears a kilt, because of course he does. Atlas dresses like Zeus. Patterson dresses like a pimp. Jimmy Hart dress like Elvis.

Piper gets Braveheart’d up, painting half his face white and the other half blue. They missed a chance for Piper to go half brown, Atlas turn on the group, and reveal that he was the mastermind behind Ashley’s capture.

Steve Cook appears with a tied up Ashley, who says that he took advantage of her and even got a little rough. Cook reveals his Off The Team Army to fight the Legends. Piper calls timeout while Jimmy runs away. Piper does the ol “spin around with your gimmick” spot. Cook begins tying Ashley to the pole, where he probably found her in the first place. Jimmy runs around in circles, falls, and cuts up his leg. The Off The Team Army is disposed of. Cook tries to throw a fireball, but as about as much success as Hulk Hogan against the Ultimate Warrior. Atlas kills Cook and Piper goes all NFL Blitz on him with some late hits. PRINCESS ASHLEY IS SAVED FROM THE EVIL STEVE COOK!

Atlas is crowned king as he was the one who killed Cook. Piper is jealous, but Atlas goes all Kevin Durant and shares his crown with everyone.

Back at the house, Jimmy explains how he got cut on his leg while Atlas is cooking dinner. Once again, can we just give Atlas his own cooking show on WWE Network? Fink makes margaritas, which Gene buries. All of the Legends eat dinner together of the first time. “Tony worked hard and made this huge meatloaf, but I was thinking, ‘I wonder if he put bull dick in it,'” says Piper. Jimmy eats cheese and crackers. Everyone toasts Atlas for his cooking.

The next morning, Hillbilly Jim is all happy because the sun is up. He just wants everyone to get along. “Every time I’m in my room and I get horny, I turn over and look at Gene. And it goes away,” says Tony. Cut to Mean Gene is his underwear. This wasn’t necessary.

Ashley arrives and says that the Legends will be pampered at the spa. Gene makes sure that the masseuses will be women. The Legends are still skeptical about this whole thing.

They arrive at the spa and there is no trick, it’s all women, and Gene makes sure to hit on all of them. All the Legends get pampered and everyone is happy. So happy that they enjoy some tea after their spa trip.

End show.

Thoughts: The LARPing was easily the best thing they’ve done all season. Piper was really into it, which helped make it better than it was, and LARP and pro wrestling do have plenty of similarities. After that, we were back to “nothing happening” as everyone just got along and then went to the spa. Reality shows need drama, and besides the Atlas/Duggan feud that has cooled off recently, there is no real sustainable drama. Sometimes that can be overlooked if you put the people in entertaining situations, like LARP and even the golf cart polo segment, but those segments have been few and far between.

That said, thanks to the LARP scenes, this was the best episode of the season.

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