The Smackdown Breakdown 06.30.05

For those of you hardcore fans out there, check your local listings for “A Current Affair”. It has a story on former WCW wrestlers who are basically screwed because the WWE doesn’t want them. Rick Steiner, Buff Bagwell, and Disco Inferno were profiled.

Check out “The Cool Channel” in the Movies/TV section. Transformers, baby.

Oh, and goddamn you Affleck.

WWE Smackdown — 6/30/05

From Anaheim, Cali.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz.

Muhammed Hassan and Khosrow Daivari come out to bitch about Independence Day. Not the crappy Will Smith movie, the holiday. But he’ll show us. He’ll become Smackdown Champion and look down on us. Undertaker comes out to disagree. Hassan says Taker has beaten all the greats, but he hasn’t beaten him.

Cruiserweight Title: Paul London vs. Chavo Guerrero.

This is a rematch from last week, since the Mexicools screwed that one up. London gets one off a quick shoulderblock. London blocks a corner charge and gets his leaping mule kick. Chavo baits London into chasing him and then kicks him on the way back in the ring. A backdrop gets two. London blocks a huracanrana, but Chavo lands on the second-rope as London tries to slingshot him. London catches Chavo coming down and the Mexicools ride down on lawnmowers. Chavo and London team up to take on all three guys as the ref calls for the bell at 4:08. The Mexicools win the 3-on-2 battle, and Juvi sucks up to the Mexican contingent in the casa. He encourages them to rise up against los gringos. ARRIBA LA RAZA! Juvi recoins the nickname “the Juice” for himself. See, now they have to bring back the Rock. 1/2*

Recap of Eddy Guerrero/Rey Mysterio. Eddy still hasn’t beaten Rey.

Josh Mathews asks Eddy Guerrero why he was smiling after the loss last week.

Melina bends over and picks up some of the names she’s dropped. She leaves to one guy yelling at her and taking her picture. One guy. That’s all they could get is one guy?!

Melina vs. Michelle McCool.

Michelle spears her and chases her up the ramp. A schoolgirl rollup gets two. Michelle gets a bad dropkick, but her underwear was crammed up her crack, so it’s understandable. Melina begs off and then cheapshots her. Melina scoops Michelle’s legs up and pins her with her feet on the ropes at 2:57. MNM gives Michelle the Snapshot, which brings Heidenreich out to make the save. 1/4*

Eddy Guerrero comes out to gloat about this piece of information he seems to have. Apparently, he has some footage from Dominic’s (Rey’s son) daycare. Eddy gives Dom some candy and plays with him on the slide. He promises to tell Dom a bedtime story that he will never forget. Well, that was creepy. Eddy threatens to reveal their secret. Rey Mysterio comes and asks Eddy not to reveal whatever it is Eddy wants to reveal. Please don’t be Dominic’s real dad. Please don’t be Dominic’s real dad. Please don’t be Dominic’s real dad. Eddy says he always wins, no matter how it happens. Rey gets on his knees and begs him not to tell. Eddy shoves some candy in Rey’s face and walks out. Seriously, the only two things I could think of were that Eddy is Dominic’s father or Rey and Eddy were homosexual lovers at one point. Not really interested in either.

Vacant Smackdown Championship, Elimination Match: John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Muhammed Hassan vs. Booker T vs. Chris Benoit vs. The Undertaker vs. Raw Draftee.

Teddy Long comes out and replaces Big Show with new Raw draftee…Christian! The lights go out, and Undertaker appears behind Christian to start the match. Taker destroys Christian. Snake Eyes. Big Boot. Legdrop. Christian tags to Hassan as we go to break. We come back to Taker special delivering an ass-whupping to Hassan. Hassan blocks a charge with an elbow but runs right into a big boot. Taker gets the Old School Ropewalk. JBL gives Taker a shove in the back, which is a legal tag. Hassan tags Benoit. Benoit rolls over JBL and destroys him with chops. Snap suplex by Benoit. He nearly chops JBL’s nipple off, but Bradshaw goes to the eyes and stomps his way back. JBL gets two off an elbow as we see his chest turn red before our eyes. Benoit ducks a clothesline and hits a flying ax-handle. ROLLING GERMANS! They get two. Benoit chops him, so JBL ducks out of the ring and tags Hassan on the way out. Hassan reluctantly gets in and scores a suplex. Benoit returns the favor with a Northern Lights. Hassan finds himself in Undertaker’s corner after a German Suplex. He tags Undertaker, and by that I mean with a punch. Taker attacks Hassan and follows him to the outside. Taker grabs a chair and hits Hassan for the disqualification at 13:29.

We come back from commercial to Booker T and Chris Benoit going at it. Hassan has left town, even though he’s not technically eliminated. Benoit wins a war of chops but takes a hard bump off a cross-corner whip. They trade chops in the corner. Benoit grabs an abdominal stretch. He lets that go in favor of a snap suplex. Booker reverses a suplex to one of his own. He goes for another one, but Benoit counters to a small package for two. Benoit drops him with an enzuigiri, but Booker T drops him with a hotshot. Benoit counters the Scissors Kick to a Sharpshooter. Booker crawls to JBL’s corner. Benoit tries to block by switching to the Crossface, but JBL tags himself in. JBL covers after a neckbreaker, but Benoit tags himself in too. Benoit sets up for a superplex, but JBL tags Booker on the way down. He sneaks in, hits Benoit with a DDT, and pins him at 24:37. To a friggin’ DDT? And not even a good one?!

When we come back, Booker T is blocking a JBL charge with a boot and hitting a spinning kick. Christian tags himself in and doubleteams Booker along with JBL. Booker elbows out of a chinlock but runs into a dropkick from Christian. That gets two. Christian comes off the top and gets caught in a flapjack. Booker hits his flying forearm and sets up for the Scissors Kick. Christian avoids, but Booker counters the Unprettier to a spinkick for two. Christian tags out. JBL hits a series of corner clotheslines. Christian makes the blind tag and hits JBL with a flying clothesline for two. A Tornado DDT gets two. The fans are really getting behind Christian, so he’ll probably be the next guy eliminated. JBL gets a neckbreaker for two. Christian goes to the eyes but runs into a Fallaway Slam. Christian tags Booker before he can take any more punishment. Booker gets a flying forearm and sidekick. He goes to the top and hits a missile dropkick. A jackknife rollup gets 2 3/4. JBL misses a weak swing, and Booker gets the Bookend. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! We go to commercial. When we come back, JBL gets powerslammed off a top rope dive. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! JBL thumbs him in the eye to stem the tide. Booker misses a charge, and Christian tags JBL. Christian swoops in and schoolboys Booker to eliminate him at 43:08.

He spends so much time gloating that he walks right into a Clothesline from Hell at 43:51. JBL wins the Smackdown Title…oh, but there is no Smackdown Title Teddy Long reveals. Instead, Long announces JBL is the #1 Contender for the World Title because the newest Raw draftee is Batista. Oy. The match was okay, but Benoit did the only clean job, and that was to a DDT. **3/4

Final Thoughts: Wow, that’s probably the worst possible way to screw over the fans. You spend a week hyping a new title and a new champion and deliver neither. Instead, you just swap champions, which you knew you were going to do anyway but you did the bait-and-switch anyway! I would say this show is on autopilot, but that wouldn’t even be accurate. It looks like it was booked about five minutes before they went on the air. The “title” match itself was okay, but why blow Christian’s first appearance after months of build up by having him appear at the last second and stand on the apron for 45 minutes. No big promo promising to dominate Smackdown? Not only that, but the Undertaker’s appearance as the last participant undercut him. There are bad shows that are blah, and then there are the ones where they do something actively stupid. This was one of the latter.

J.D. Dunn