TNA Impact Insight 3.6.05
Posted by Steve Cook on 03.06.2005
Styles vs. Kash and a bunch of other stuff!
Hello everybody, and welcome to TNA Impact Insight! I am your party host, your humble correspondent, the Impact Playa Steve Cook. We’re watching Impact at midnight this week because the fucknu…er, I mean kind folks at FSN Ohio decided that Louisville would rather watch the Big 10 Women’s Basketball Tournament on Friday. Next week it’ll be another tournament, but that won’t affect my non-existent recap.
Here’s the deal. Csonka agreed I could get 2 weeks off of the recap because of all the times he’s left us high and dry because of alleged “weather problems”. I thought I would wait for the spoilers to come in from this Tuesday night’s tapings before I decided which week to use as my second off week. After hearing the main event for this week was off the hook, I decided to recap this week and take next week off.
And what is our main event this week? It’s AJ Styles defending the X Division title against Kid Kash! Sit back and enjoy…it’s Impact Insight mothalovas!
This is TNA…the new face of professional wrestling.
Last week I wasn’t here, but I saw DDP fighting with Jeff Jarrett, then the New Age Rockabilly Sopp Outlaw or whatever he’s being called this week attacked, then Kevin Nash came out. I thought it was the worst main event ever, but the poll at TNA’s website said 51% thought it was the highlight of the show. My guess is either a bunch of people voted for it just to fuck with them, or only the combatants and their immediate families were allowed to vote.
“Iron” Mike Tenay & “Dandy” Don West yap about the main event, then they shut up because our humble Director of Authority, Dusty “Superstar Graham says I should be in the Hall, so kiss my ass Cook” Rhodes comes out with Trinity and the lovely Traci. For those of you who like to keep track of what Traci’s shirts say each week, and I know you’re out there wondering, this week her shirt says “I (heart) Southern Boys”. You know, I’m from Kentucky, which is part of the South…but before I can speculate any further, Dusty must discuss bidness. There’s an open door policy, meaning that they don’t have to worry about pesky things like long-term contracts. OK, I added that last part. He introduces Apollo as one of Puerto Rico’s greatest wrestlers of all time. If Carlos Colon was dead, he would be spinning in his grave. Apollo comes out and speaks Spanish. I don’t. I took French for 4 years in high school. Outside the French kissing, I haven’t used it much in recent years. Apollo exits. Dusty tells JJ to meet him in 30 minutes, and threatens him with suspension and strippage of los title. OK, so I know a little Spanish. Sue me.
Match 1: 10 minute time limit
Michael vs. Chris “Ham Sandwich” Sabin
Jeez, I take a week off and this poor guy’s lost his tag team partner and his last name. That’s gotta suck. Tieup and a wristlock by Michael, Sabin flips out of it and does a headlock takeover. Into the corner, Michael with some shoulder blocks. Punches by Mr. Michael, whip, drop toe hold by Sabin, off the ropes, arm drag by Sabin…I guess the fans didn’t get the memo cause they’re chanting “Michael Shane”. Fools! Michael punches Sabin, tosses him onto the apron, Sabin misses a springboard dropkick. Michael follows up with a clothesline. More punches by Michael, whip and a dropkick gets 2. Rest hold time! Sabin fights out, but they clothesline each other back down. Punches back and forth, Sabin with a backbreaker into a DDT for 2! Sabin up top, Michael follows him, neckbreaker off the top! Only 2! Michael misses a superkick, Sabin gets a Cradleshock for 3!
Your winner: Chris Sabin (4:04)
My Insight: Good little opener here. Will either of these guys get something resembling a push? Sabin wrestles just about every damn week, so you figure he’d be getting one. Michael is a man in transition…what he’ll be changing to remains to be seen. I give this 3.5 Traci moons.
Holy crap, there’s no TNA related commercials. I like this midnight stuff.
Shane Douglas is with Monty Brown. He’ll be facing Tryton to the joy of…um…err…well, somebody’s gotta be excited about it. He advises Tryton that his spaceship needs to go to the muffler shop because there’s a lot of smoke coming out of it. Then he should tell his leader that the Alpha Male is too much to handle. At Destination X Tryton will be exterminated and POOUUUNNNNCCCCEEEEEEEEDDDDDD!
My recap does that promo little justice…Monty was freaking hilarious.
Match 2: 10 minute time limit
Chris Candido & The Naturals (Chase Stevens & Andy Douglas) vs. Petey Williams (w/Coach D’Amore), Elix Skipper, & Mikey Batts
Speaking of hilarious, Tenay is definitely that while trying to explain why this match makes a lick of sense. It doesn’t, but he still gives it the old college try and you gotta give him credit for that at least. Douglas punches Skipper to start us off, he chokes Skipper, off the ropes, back body drop by Skipper. Suplex by Prime Time and a cover for 2. Tag to Petey, and then some arguing. Ooooooooooooooooooh. Petey off the ropes, Candido knees him in the back and then Douglas knees him in the face. Tag to Candido, who misses an elbowdrop. Chop by Petey, off the ropes, bodyslam by Candido. Stalling vertical suplex by Candido. He goes up to the middle rope and drops a leg! Whip reversed, Candido flips into a tree of woe….OH CANADA! Candido tags Stevens, and Petey tags Batts. Batts punches away on Stevens, and hits a kick for 2. Skipper & Douglas both go over the top, D’Amore’s up on the apron, Petey tries a Destroyer but it gets broken up, Batts hits a Stunner on Stevens, covers, but the ref is distracted and Candido hits a headbutt off the top! Stevens is rolled on top and he gets the pin.
Your winners: Chris Candido & The Naturals (3:35)
My Insight: Well, they did the best they could for a 6-man match in 3 minutes, but it couldn’t overcome the fact that one of the teams made absolutely no sense whatsoever. This type of booking is trademarked by Dusty, so it gets a Dusty moon for poor booking. The action was all right, but there wasn’t enough time for it to go anywhere.
Destination X promo
AJ Styles T-shirt/DVD commercial
We’re back and Dusty is talking to Trinity and the vivacious Traci about their tag teams facing off at the PPV. I can’t be the only one who’d prefer to see Traci & Trinity go at it rather than their hosses. And here comes David Young. He wants a second chance. Dunno why he wants one, but Traci points out that he lost to a NASCAR driver. Actually it was a NASCAR announcer…which really makes it worse. Trinity tells Dusty something, and he says they’ll give him one more shot last week. Have fun with that, Larry!
Match 3: 10 minute time limit
Eric Young (w/new short tights and Coach D’Amore) vs. Dustin Rhodes (w/bull rope)
USA, says the fans. Young attacks from behind, Rhodes answers with a clothesline. Punches, but an eye poke by Young, he chokes Rhodes and then D’Amore chokes him. Cover gets 2. Rhodes fights back, knee by Young, head into turnbuckle. Young mounts him and chokes away. Punches in the corner, whip reversed, Young flips over onto the apron, off the top into an atomic drop by Rhodes. Clothesline, punches in the corner, then he sets him up for a reverse Shattered Dreams. Sounds fun. They go up top, superplex by Rhode. B-Roode is up on the apron, and here comes AMW to fight with Team Canada. D’Amore somehow got in the ring, and Rhodes bulldogs him. Rhodes hits a powerslam on Young for 3.
Your winner: Dustin Rhodes (2:59)
My Insight: Well, this was there. It wasn’t terribly offensive, but it wasn’t terribly outstanding either. We’ll just give this 1 Traci moon and never speak of it again.
What’s up with the new Burger King commercial? I’m all for commercials with the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, but this is some messed up shit right here. And that song will get in your head for days.
Dusty is in the ring. Traci is nowhere to be seen, so I lose interest. Ha, the sign saying “Fire Dusty” is SOLD! At Destination X there will be a police, if you will, consisting of people that Jeff Jarrett has wronged. Will “Common Sense” be making an appearance? Not if Dusty has anything to say about it! *rimshot* People like 3 Live Kru will be there, so they come out and dance around. Here comes DDP through the crowd. Dusty the reporter asks if he’s ready to be champ again. DDP ducks the question by asking Dusty it, then gets the fans going on that “It’s time” crap again. I don’t wanna hear that phrase unless it’s followed by IT’S VADER TIME! Here comes Jeff Jarrett with Outlaw Ron Bass, Chris Candido, and the Naturals. Well, that’s random. JJ is tired of Dusty’s schemes. Join the club. JJ touches Dusty, so DDP attacks him, the heels come in, Nash comes in, then 3LK comes in and it’s a big ol’ rugby scrum. THEY BE A CLUBBERIN TONY!
I see how they’re forming sides here, but I’m still having problems believing that DDP is the guy to knock off Jarrett. Mostly because he’s 108 years old.
For our main event, Tenay & West are graced by the presence of “Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels! Daniels is happy that Styles has to defend his title, and says that for once justice has been done.
Match 4: TNA X Division title match with a 30 minute time limit
Kid Kash (w/Lance Hoyt) vs. TNA X Division Champion AJ Styles
For those of you wondering, Kid Kash’s promo containing “shoot” comments on Styles was not aired. And his t-shirt is still lame. Daniels doesn’t care who holds the belt because he’s better than both of them. The ref checks both men for weapons and we are set to go. Tieup into an armbar by Kash, Styles reverses while Daniels complains about Dusty Cornelius Rhodes holding him down. Kash gets to the ropes and complains to the ref about something. Tieup into a go-behind by Styles, front chanceory by Kash, hammerlock by Styles, Kash gets to the ropes and complains again. Go-behind by Kash, headlock, off the ropes, kick by Kash, off the ropes again, Styles with a dropkick. Kash goes outside as we head to commercial…
We’re back and Styles is chasing Kash around. Kash takes his sweet time getting back in the ring, then we have a series of Fruit Rollups by both men. Kick by Styles, he goes for the Clash but Kash reverses with an arm drag. Styles does 3 of his own then hits the armbar. Hammerlock by Styles, Kash kicks Styles low to get out of it while the ref is looking at the hot blonde in the third row. Kash tosses Styles outside, then hops over the top rope and ranas Styles! Kash brought his A game today, that’s for damn sure. Chops back and forth, Styles bangs Kash’s head into the apron, whip reversed, Styles hops over the guardrail and Pele kicks Kash! Styles tries a suplex, Kash reverses, Styles slips out, Kash drops Styles onto the guardrail. He gets a chair and distracts the ref while Lance Hoyt beats down Styles…time for a commercial…
We come back to a replay of Kash putting Styles in a Mexican surfboard. Kash vertically slams Styles, and says he’s going up top. Styles heard him and crotches Kash up there. Styles follows him up, Kash blocks the superplex, tries a power bomb, but Styles back body drops him off! Both men slow to get up, Styles blocks Kash’s punches and punches him, whip, back body drop by Styles. Styles hits a fireman’s carry into a backbreaker. Kash blocks a suplex, but Styles gets him up and hits the brainbuster! Cover gets 2. Kash with a jawbreaker, he climbs the ropes and ranas Styles! A swinging DDT gets 2. Kash goes for the Moneymaker, but Styles slips out and hits the Pele kick! Kash tosses Styles onto the apron, Styles with a punch, he goes for the backflip into a reverse DDT…but lands crotch first on Kash’s head! That hurts just watching it! Styles manages to rollup Kash for 2, Hoyt gets into the ring with a chair but Styles hits the springboard flying forearm on him! Kash swings and misses with the chair, Styles kicks him and sets up the Clash, but here comes Daniels! He drops Styles throat first on the top rope! Kash goes for the Moneymaker, but Styles back body drops him with a bridge keeping Kash’s arms locked with his, and gets the 3 count!
Your winner and still X Division Champion: AJ Styles (16:24)
My Insight: Now that’s what TNA needs to be giving us every week! There were a couple rough points at the end, but other than that it was an outstanding matchup, better than anything seen on Impact in a long long time. AJ needs a lot of Traci moons to help him regain feeling in his lower extremities, so we’ll give him 7 and hope for the best.
And in your completely random ending of the week, Abyss walks around backstage and takes out his frustrations on Dusty’s truck and a garbage can. The Charismatic Enema watches with binoculars from a safe distance. Do not ask me why.
Overall Insight: Outside the Styles/Kash match there really wasn’t much to write home about outside the nice little opener, but that match more than made up for anything wrong with this week’s effort. 4 match Impacts are more often than not on the money…6 matches are too much, and that’s what next week’s show has in store for us.
I won’t be here. I’ll have the news next Sunday though, and I’ll be back in 2 weeks with more Impact Insight. Until then, happy March Madness!
