VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review: TNA Impact! 10.11.05
Posted by Peter Kent on 10.11.2005
Gail Kim be's fine! Kevin Nash is getting paid to walk at a brisk pace! Austin Aries UNLOADS!
TNA Impact!
This review is of the replay that aired at 12:00 AM on 10/11/2005
411's own Stephen Randle calls me the 411 NINJA, because Big Boss Ashish told me I can recap whatever I want. So now I STRIKE~ TNA Impact! with a heart punch to the balls! Then I will use my stealth to find out if there are any hot girls writing wrestling columns, go to their houses and watch them sleep. And do you-know-what to my you-know-what.
I'm not sure what's happening, but the WWE is really turning me away lately. It's almost at the point where I can't even find a reason to watch anymore. I tried to watch Raw in bits and pieces tonight, what with it being the 2nd episode of the new USA Network era… and it's just so stale. This Trish's stalker thing is actually worse than when they did the same angle with Tori and Sable way back when. HHH no-selling Cena's threats with a stare, a smirk, the last word and a random employee beatdown is annoying. Stephanie McMahon being on my TV makes it too much to bear. It's on right now and Steph is coming out to help fire JR and the crowd has NO REACTION.
Wait… Now on Raw, Linda turned heel. LINDA TURNED HEEL. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PAYOFF? A JR/Linda 20 minute ironman match? I say thee nay! Let's see what TNA has to offer.
But first, from a reader called twisted8420:
You seem to be pretty high up on women's wrestling and I didn't know if you had heard about SHIMMER. I didn't know if you had...well I didn't... but here goes; it debuts on Nov 6 and it has a roster of 16 women. The last 4 haven't been announced at this time. So far it conscist of Mercedes Martinez, Sara Del Ray, Lacey, Cheerleader Melissa, Beth Pheonix, Daizee Haze, Nikki Roxx, Allison Danger, MsChif, Ariel, Cindy Rogers, and Rain. It seems to have a little something for everyone when it comes to wrestling style.
I heard and I AM PUMPED! That is an AWESOME roster, and this is definitely a show to check out. Mercedes, Melissa and Cindy are three of the best out there right now IMO. Thanks, chum!
TNA Impact!
Could they PLEASE change the company name? Come on already.
There's an episode of The Ultimate Fighter on before TNA starts and two guys are lying on the mat breathing heavy. This is why I don't bother with shootfighting. Real fights are boring. At least with fake fighting you're guaranteed you'll have an ATTEMPT at drama.
Video package of Tenay and West literally SCREAMINING about the zzzzz Dudley/deadly boyzzzz. Wait, Team 3-d they're called. Then the TNA opening hits, and it refers to itself as a "60 minute adrenaline rush".
(6 man tag) Team Canada vs. 3 Live Krew:
- Well, this is an awful way to start a wrestling show. I'm going to keep a stiff upper lip. But I was promised a long adrenaline rush not long ago. I smell false advertising.
- Jeff Hardy's fans are so devoted, they actually paint themselves with dayglo just like their blissed-out icon. The guy may be a mess, but you must concede that he is a draw.
- Fucking Team Canada owns the world record for most chokes per wrestling match. Awful. Now a CHINLOCK.
- There's a neat spot where Konnan kicks a Canadian into a crotched position on the rope, and it is clearly ALL the victim doing the work there. Konnan could barely lift his leg high enough.
Short and… short. Haha Billy Gunn's bald topknot is quite queer-looking. He was at ringside or some crap.
Winners: TECHNICOS!
Clips of Ultimate X matches and holy CRAP I want to see this one.
Chris Daniels vs. Austin Aries vs. Matt Bentley:
- Aries' slingshot corkscrew is great. And he puts in an extra-little kick to make a Japanese armdrag exciting.
- Dueling Aries/Daniels chants, Haha take that HBK's cousin.
- MAN Aries' charging lariats are awesome. Aries REVERSE RANAS BENTLEY OUT OF THE RING! That was great. Daniels misses the split-legged moonsault to the outside, almost landing on his feet (that would have ruled).
- Chris Sabin and Petey Williams end up fighting over Tracy Brooks at ringside. Yeah, neither guys are in the match. Daniels ends up sneaking up on Aries and getting the win. Crowd is a little disappointed.
A fun match with some great spots. Very short, too much Russo-esque ringside chaos for my tastes though.
Winner:Chris Daniels
Abyss vs. Sonny Siaki:
- Haha YESSSS the fans bust out the "UHHHOHHHH AAA BYSSSS" chant". Sonny's trying to imitate The Rock again.
- "Black Hole Slam" chant… Siaki doles out a RANA?! And Abyss gives this side-falling bump that is weird but cool looking. Black Hole Slam wins it.
A squash. I like Abyss, so I like this. I hope TNA doesn't overlook Abyss' talents like the WWE does with Kane. And if TNA wants a full-fledged Rock parody rather than Siaki's rather pathetic attempts, they should just sign WEW straight-to-video megastar THE SMOKE!
Winner: Abyss
Tenay is in the ring with "commissioner"-type figure Larry Zbysko. Zbysko announces a guest referee for Jarrett vs. Nash. It's UFC dude Tito Ortiz! Tito comes out and takes the mike and they suddenly edited TO THE FUTURE. He is pretty natural and comfortable on the microphone, but his delivery is a little labored. Yeah I know, I'm over-analyzing this wrestling crap, but that's what the interweb is all about. Oh yay here comes SUPERDUDE JEFF JARRETT! Kevin Nash comes out to a bastardized version of the Wolfpac theme, as played by a 6 year old on a casio keyboard using only one finger. They brawl. Tito takes down both guys, keeping them apart. Crowd was not very hot at all for this. Which is good! As a fan, silence is your weapon against the plague of owners/bookers giving themselves titles.
In the back, Daniels challenges AJ Styles to pick 3 guys to face him in an Iron Man match next week.
I heard Low Ki called the WWE putting out feelers. If true, TNA should BEND OVER BACKWARDS to bring him back! I think if you expose Ki to the mainstream audience on SpikeTV, he will become HUGE.
Team 3d vs. America's Most Wanted:
- Hey, I'm really looking forward to the spot where Bubba throws some punches and then rolls his hands real fast and punches again. That's going to be great, I wonder if Chris Harris has a counter ready for that? Noone's ever escaped that deadly combo.
- …What? We cut to commercial right away. I think this is a bad choice for a main event. And this whole show is coming off real dull. It's so canned and short.
- Crowd is into it, with a "Let's go Bubba" chant. Bubba UNLOADS with some STIFF open hand chops, NASTY.
- Hey wow Devon gets the hot tag and rallies with the same fucking moves he does in every other match. Such as the shoulderblock where his palms press against his opponents' collarbone.
- GAIL KIM runs in and nutshots an AMW guy. And the deadly dudleyz want to get orgasmic release by putting her through a table, but wait! Jeff Jarrett's not on the screen. Come on we need more Jeff! Here he is! He helps AMW turn the tide in the post-match beatdown.
Gail Kim… who can WRESTLE… Is reduced to a skanky valet role that could have been played by someone who SPECIALISES in being a valet (like Dawn Marie, for example). But instead, they do exactly the sort of stuff the WWE tries to do, thus not being an alternative at all, but rather a second-rate carbon copy using talent the WWE has thrown in the garbage. Fucking A! FUCK! This company is so frustrating.
Winners: who knows
Overall this is a TWO OUT OF FIVE. There's good stuff, like Abyss and the X guys flipping their flops and so forth. And then there's the same old Jarrett shit and a very limp babyface act by Nash. I can't tell if Nash is just cashing a paycheck, or if he really is so slow and dull. Although come to think of it, his strength lies in his mic work and this week we did not get to hear from him. And where the hell is Raven? And Samoa Joe? I don't care if 2 episodes are taped in one night, I want to see all the top guys EVERY SHOW. And where was Monty Brown? This one hour timeslot is a problem, but I don't see why they can't just book a nice 8 man tag every week, and go for some of those sweet many-man chain spots like in Chikara. Ahh. It'd probably end in a run-in and a post-match beatdown, like every other match in TNA history.
This new "war" is off to an awful start, in my estimation. I'm BEGGING the WWE or TNA to give me something to get excited about. Instead we're getting characters who peaked in 1999 shoved down our throats no matter what network you watch.
I was visiting a friend in Virginia, the Norfolk area. When it rains there, people's LAWNS turn into puddles. Crazy! We taped Raw so I could write a review, but the tape ran out. Here's what I wrote:
VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Digest
WWE Raw 10.03.05
I am visiting a friend in Virginia and typing this on a Mac so forgive me if this comes out funky.
There’s a five minute video about Raw’s history, really fun to see all the weird stuff they’ve done in the past. They show the Mark Henry transvestite angle. All right, then.
Still the same opening song? Why?
Mick Foley hits the ring. “FOLEY” chant. The ring is set up for the Piper’s Pit segment. Mick hasn’t mentioned his new novel Scooter, yet and I am SHOCKED. Haha the “What" chants come down and Roddy is ready for it, he is pretty much the only wrestler who can deal with it. Wait, Roddy plugs Scooter and by gawd it’s a real scary book! Only $22.95!
Piper REALLY starts sucking up, leading a sycophantic “Foley” chant. Here comes Randy Orton? Ugh. Randy is mad at how Piper beat on his dad way back when (can we get some clips?). Bob drops Mick and there’s an RKO on Piper. The WWE want Randy to get over SO BAD.
Bischoff is in the back wearing HEEL BLACK, while Teddy is wearing a convenient suit that is FACE WHITE. Bisch complains enthusiastically.
30 minute iron man match – Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels:
- JR is already slobbering about this being a classic.
- A bunch of WWE Legends who signed their life away for $10,000 before taxes are at ringside. Some are in character, like Duggan, while Dr Death and Volkoff are just hanging out.
- This show looks exactly the same as it did on Spike. It’s boring. I was expecting new graphics and stuff. I’m already not excited.
- An odd choice to put this match on so early. I am guessing this might make casual viewers change the channel for a bit, waiting for the final minutes.
- Angle slam on the outside only 7 minutes in! Nasty.
- Angle turnbuckle powerbomb, TOP ROPE ANGLE SLAM, Angle scores a pinfall. Wow, they are trading huge moves VERY early on. Fine with me!
- Angle is totally dominating, HBK suddenly converts the anklelock into an inside cradle to steal a pin and even it up 1-1. This is really good so far.
- Angle cinches in the ankle lock and eventually gets Michaels to tap. Now can’t he just re-apply it? That might be cool if he just held it until HBK’s ankle “broke” and the match had to end.
- Michaels rallies while selling the messed up ankle. How is he going to hit the superkick on that foot? I don’t know, but he does. That’s kind of lame. The match is tied up at 2-2.
4:00 left. PLEASE no “five more minutes”. I am just not in the mood for this match. The commercial breaks don’t help, either. The WWE really should put out DVDs of full TV matches sans the commercial breaks.
- HBK counters an angle slam into a DDT, great spot.
- At around 2:00 remaining, a ringside fan holds up a TNA t-shirt in the front row hahaa. Unfortunately, the TNA logo is so stylized it’s pretty much impossible to read if a non-fan tried.
- Angle busts out the coolest conversions to the ankle lock in all his big matches. Here, he takes a moonsault attempt and converts to the lock. Don’t tell me HBK is going to sit in this hold for the last one minute and 45 seconds without tapping until right at the end.
- HBK counters in and out a few times. Right as time is drawing to a close, Angle stumbles into a ref bump spot, but it comes off real bad and the ref doesn’t even sell it. HBK hits the superkick and covers, but time expires. HBK demands sudden death, but Angle just walks out. OK.
A good match! Ultimately meaningless, filled with commercial breaks, but good.
Draw
Hey, Vince is in the back with Eric Bischoff, who is TRICKED OUT in karate gear. Let’s humiliate him some more, that’s fun! Wait.. He wants a No-DQ match and Vince says no… And then Bischoff goes off saying exactly what I’ve been saying – That Vince hired him only to humiliate him. Hahaaa awesome! Vince hits evil Vince mode and says he can be real sick and perverted, and hehas a leather-bound boy in a box he keeps under his bed and stuff. Then he waddles off, running out of space to walk and waiting for the camera to cut off.
Vince hits the ring and talks about when he beat Stone Cold Steve Austin. Come on now. DON’T. IT’S OVER, LET IT DIE FOR GOD’S SAKE! They’ve already got this same angle in the main event, with different characters! Austin hits the ring to a good pop. And it’s dueling video clips, zzzzzz.. The crowd is getting bored with their own “what” chants.
They keep showing clips of way back when wrestling was hot, and it’s making the PRESENT state of things look real bad. These last 5 years have been real forgettable. This is going onnn and onnnn with Vince trying to make nice with Austin. No wit, no anything. This feud is deader than dead. There’s the stunner. Heyyyy Shane McMahon is here! He eats a stunner… Uh will they..? Yep. Stephanie is out, ohhh God no PLEASE let this be one time only! PLEASE! Austin tries to make the funny but eventually he gives her a stunner and BAH GAWD she gives it a great, realistic sell of instant death.
Wait.. LINDA! No way. Haha I am starting to like this. She’s in the ring questioning Steve. This is soooo drawn out. I like how the announcers are keeping their mouths shut, I wish more companies would follow suit. Come on already. She goes to kiss him, no he pulls back. COME ON AND END IT! Now he gets her a beer. Now he gets another beer. Time has come to a standstill. Austin's music hits like his oscar speech has gone too long. FINALLY he goes to stun her and SHE TOTALLY BLOWS THE BUMP. He was going down and she immediately twisted backward out of his hands. What an awful payoff. A great idea for a segment, but in execution it royally sucked. Austin’s returns are less interesting and more disappointing each and every time.
After the break, Vince claims someone’s going to get fired over this. Ugghh can we just forget this ever happened?
(That's where the tape cut out. Not a fan!)
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