The Final Fantasy Heat Report 11.05.05

Posted by Jeff Small on 11.05.2005

Now With Fantasy Stats!

Well hello everyone. The name’s Jeff Small and I’m one of the new 411 Heat Reporters. After countless weeks of training, taking bumps, and getting stiffed by Hardcore Holly, I have finally gotten to where I’ve always wanted to be: writing my very own Heat report.

Why Raw’s forgotten offspring? Well, first off, I am a huge fan of the internet show premise in general and to be honest, I would suck at Velocity. Velocity’s got cruiserweights and one thing I hate about cruiserweights is it’s so hard to have names for all their moves. The same applies for TNA. Plus Heat is the only place where I can see such talent as Shelton Benjamin and Gene “Foot Fetish” Snitsky. What more incentive do I need?

Anyway, my gimmick (and a small one at that) is that I’ll be posting Fantasy points at the end of each match based on WWE’s criteria (well the Heat criteria for season 4). With over 30,000 users (or at least that’s how many are ahead of me), I figure it would be interesting to see how many points could have been obtained if Heat actually counted this season. So if you lose to your friend/co-worker/favorite internet columnist by a couple of measly points, YOU, yes YOU, can use this column to see if you’ve been screwed.

Of course, the best way to begin your glorious Heat career is by no-showing the pre-Taboo Tuesday Heat. But hey, like Austin, I got a second chance. For those interested in what happened, you can find out by reading Scott Slimmer’s debut Heat column here

With that being said, let’s get onto the show.

Match 1: Val Venis vs. Johnny Parisi

Match Background: Well, it looks nothing more than a squash. Since the era of Internet Heat, Parisi has not won a match nor has hit many offensive moves. For $1.5 million, Parisi is definitely not worth it as I would rather spend my money on Torrie’s dog and pray for the return of Fifi. On the other hand, Val has been quite hot for the last couple of weeks.

To answer Larry’s question as to why Val teamed with Shelton on Heat, it was because for the last two weeks, Big Vis has been prepping for a singles match with HHH. So Val’s been booked separately and got into a little bit of trouble with the Golfers last week, hence why he teamed with Benjamin at Taboo Tuesday Night Heat. Either that or the bookers forgot about the V-Squared team. Both answers are probably correct.

Fantasy Background: Venis would obtain finisher points if and only if he uses the Money Shot. His half-nelson slam does not count as a finisher (yet). Parisi’s finisher is called the Shaft and I wonder why these two aren’t tagging up.

Val Venis opens the show with his 1998 music. Coach is back announcing after a week off (Tommy Dreamer was last week’s announcer) and boy does his back hurt carrying Goldust and Vader. Obviously, that is figuratively because no one can pick up Vader. Parisi makes his way out and our match is underway. Coach points out Parisi’s dreaded losing streak as the two wrestlers lock up. Parisi settles into a side headlock before Venis breaks the hold. A shoulder block from Parisi knocks down our beloved porn star. Venis capitalizes on a missed elbow drop with an armdrag and begins to work the appendage. A couple of arm wenches set up two shoulder thrusts. Venis whips Parisi off the ropes and settles with another armdrag. He works the arm some more and I pray that the arm injury will be remembered in a minute. Parisi breaks the hold and gets some boots in the corner. His Irish whip attempt is revered into two running knee lifts which sets up a Russian leg sweep. The old school grind and mounted punches follows as I mark for Venis NOSTALIGA. Sadly, that’s it from the past as Parisi whiffs on a corner clothesline and gets scoop slammed. Venis looks to end things with a Money Shot but Parisi breaks it up at the ropes with a shoulderblock. That gets 2. Stomach buster gets 2. A couple of kicks to the midsection sets up Parisi’s strategy (working on the stomach). He grabs an abdominal stretch as his arm miraculously doesn’t hurt anymore. I should be just glad that he’s brought a moveset tonight. This lasts a while until Venis armdrags out of it and follows with two clotheslines. He whips Parisi into the corner and follows with 10 short arm clotheslines. Of course, the crowd decides to wake up and count along. The half-nelson slam is blocked; however, Parisi falls victim to a back body drop. The “world famous” half-nelson slam alongside the Money Shot ends this match @ 4:38.

Winner: Val Venis (10 points gained)
Loser: Johnny Parisi (2 points)

This is actually a monumental Heat as instead of a Raw recap, we get to take a look at what happened at Taboo Tuesday. The first recap chronicles the tag team championship match from its KoRn hype package to Big Show and Kane’s title win. By the way, Kane and Big Show first tagged up during the build for Vengeance 2001 as the two monsters fought the Dudley Boyz for the World Tag Team Championship at that PPV.

A plug for the new Jake the Snake DVD airs.

Match 2: Gregory Helms vs. Kevin Martinson

Match Background: With Thanksgiving around the corner, I guess I could use a little squash. This is Helms first match in the WWE without the Hurricane moniker. See, watching Heat has its perks.

Fantasy Background: Helms’s finisher is still called the Eye of the Hurricane. Hopefully, our faithful Heat announcers have a new name for it.

Helms has generic rock music. He is wearing red trunks and an AJ Styles-ish robe. He actually kind of looks like AJ Styles too. The announcers take a moment (actually a minute or so) to talk about more important news like the Divas Battle Royal from the PPV. Luckily, I’m still here to transcribe this. Martinson starts the match off with a handshake, which you know gets him bitch-slapped. And rightfully so. Helms grabs a fireman’s carry, proceeds to beat the tar out of Martinson, and then throws him out of the ring. Man that ruled. He wails on him with some clobbering forearms on the outside before taking a break to do his HEEL Pose. Martinson gets back into the ring at 7 and tries to make a comeback. A beautiful dropkick stops that. It gets 2. Helms nails his jobber with an elbow and proceeds to rub his face into the mat. Of course, Helms gives his opponent some time to get up. Martinson gets a sunset flip for 2. His comeback does not last long as Helms goes into choking mode. After ten seconds of choking, Helms executes a nice vertical suplex. Helms grabs a modified camel clutch and unfortunately the crowd does not help Martinson escape the move. Luckily for Martinson, Helms whiffs on a dropkick which allows his final comeback. A back body drop is all he gets as Helms blocks a monkey flip. The former Superhero executes his Eye of the Hurricane finisher but picks his victim up at 2. He then nails a move that can only be described as an inverted backbreaker to the head and finishes with some sort of submission move @ 5:23. Yes, this squash was that long.

Winner: Gregory Helms (6 points as he does not get Finisher points for his submission move)
Loser: Martinson (N/A)

A rundown of the Triple H/ Ric Flair saga is followed by clips from their PPV match.

Match 3: Kerwin White vs. Mike Wellington

Match Background: Mike Wellington puts up his undefeated streak in this match against middle class America’s own Kerwin White. Ah hell, I’m still hungry from the last match and need more squash.

Fantasy Background: K-White obtains points with his Gory Bomb (from his Chavo days) or with the White Out Boston Crab. Regardless, he isn’t losing this match.

I love K-White’s music and gimmick even though it’s ridiculously stupid. Then again, I want the Boogeyman to succeed. Kerwin is wearing a turquoise sweater on top of a purple polo shirt for those who care. Of course, his collar is popped. Stall-session to start as the crowd chants “Chavo.” Kerwin stars off with some punches to knock his opponent down before following up with some stomps and my personal favorite, some rope-assisted choking. That offensive exhibition must have made K-White perspire as he takes his shirt off (to no reaction). White unleashes some European uppercuts in the corner before a back suplex for 2. A short-arm clothesline follows as K-White is getting the most heat of the night. White follows up with some choking (this time with his boot) in the corner. White stalls for quite a bit (by checking out his golf clubs), before Wellington gets a small package for 2. Another uppercut sends the jobber on his back as the “Chavo sucks” chants increase. Wellington gets some punches to the gut and a back elbow off the ropes to knock down Mr. White. However, a nice dropkick puts a halt to his momentum. A brainbuster ends the match at 4:15.

Winner: Kerwin White (6 points)
Loser: Wellington (N/A)

The Taboo Tuesday recap, well recaps, the triple threat main event.

A plug for the Wrestlemania Anthology follows. I really need to get myself one of those. Maybe, Xanta Claus will bring it.

Main Event: Shelton Benjamin vs. Matt Striker

Match Background: Squash? Well maybe one year ago, it would have been. How the mighty have fallen. Anyway, a few weeks ago, Matt Striker saved K-White from getting arrested for a hate crime on Benjamin. The following week on Heat, Striker showed his true colors (white?) by turning on Benjamin. This past week at Taboo Tuesday, Striker pinned Benjamin in a tag match.

Fantasy Background: Don’t you think after 18 months, Benjamin’s T-bone Suplex would get a snazzy name? Regardless, that’s his only Fantasy finisher. On the flip side, Striker’s finisher is named the Overdrive and I have no idea what it is. It’s kind of funny how Striker and Parisi have names for their finishers, when they have yet to win an important match (and the Taboo Tuesday tag match does not count).

Mr. Benjamin comes out first to a moderate pop. A recap of the botched Taboo Tuesday rollup is shown. Striker comes out to a little reaction as our main event is on our way. Shelton strikes first with a takedown followed by kicking Striker’s punkass out of the ring. The announcers seem to believe that Striker is out of his league wrestling Benjamin, which I guess, is the only way to do this angle without making Benjamin look like a jobber. Benjamin sends Striker into the barrier. Shelton mounts Striker and grinds his face into the mat. I’m assuming that Benjamin might be turning heel in the upcoming weeks due to the way he’s wrestling this match. Now if that happens, you heard it here first. See, Heat is not useless. At any rate, Benjamin continues his attack with a couple of strikes in the corner and a back elbow off the ropes. The commentators speak about the latest in the Raw vs. SD feud (the announcement of the 5 vs. 5 match) which is kind of funny as I am watching Heat before Smackdown. Anyway, Shelton misses his Stinger Splash but lands on the top rope. Unfortunately for him, Striker pushes Benjamin off the top rope and onto the floor. Striker attacks on the outside and also fights his own personal battle with a wedgie (so says Grisham). Striker does some patented choking to waste some time. Striker grabs a sleeper hold as the match winds down to a halt. Thankfully, it is only I who is falling asleep, as the crowd helps Benjamin escape the hold. Benjamin throws Striker face first into the turnbuckle and follows with a stiff clothesline. Three right hands precede two clotheslines and one super inverted Atomic Drop. Benjamin executes a Samoan Drop. Striker tries to escape the ring but is met with a Benjamin right hand. From the top rope, Shelton hits his opponent with a clothesline. Surprisingly, Striker no-sells it and begs for mercy. Shelton, who might still be pissed by the no-sell, boots him out of the ring. Striker, with his wedgie, takes a powder @ 5:05.

Your winner: Shelton Benjamin (8 points)
Your loser: Matt Striker (1 point)

Your fantasy winner of the week is Val Venis. He was the only wrestler to gain a victory with his finisher.

Overall, this was another lackluster edition of Heat. While this week’s Heat ran for 40 minutes (the longest of the internet era), the majority of wrestling was quite dull. The opening match was Parisi’s best, which does not say much as he was in the ring with a veteran. For a Venis match, it was pretty disappointing. The Gregory Helms character is a step-up from the stale Hurricane, but there is no one on the Raw roster who will make Helms look as good as he looked tonight. A trade to Smackdown would do him (and Tajiri) wonders. In addition, outside of the few moments where it looked like Shelton found a new attitude, the last two matches were very pedestrian. Oh well.

It looks like the hardest part of my job will be making good “squash” jokes, which I failed at this week. Fortunately, the best thing about Heat is that next week could be totally different. Maybe a Snitsky match/promo will grace my presence. Only I can be so lucky. Anyway, this wraps up the first edition of The Final Fantasy Heat Report. Please, please send me feedback. With that being said, good luck with your Fantasy team and see you next week.