The Final Fantasy Heat Report 12.31.05
Posted by Jeff Small on 12.31.2005
Tommy Dreamer’s Obsession with Val Venis’s Towel is Finally Revealed!
Welcome to another action-packed edition of the Final Fantasy Heat Report. With Slimmer going MIA last week, with great honor I can say that my Holiday edition of the Final Fantasy Heat Report was the #1 viewed Heat report right here at 411Mania. Speaking of our site, I, for one, love the new look. Then again, who doesn't?
So this week's edition will be without the Fantasy points that you all have grown to love. Two reasons for that: A) there has not been an announcement yet on Season 6 and B) I just don't feel like it. Hopefully, by this time next week, the fate of Season 6 will be decided. If not, I might just do the Fantasy stats for next week. After all, I still have to watch Heat.
With that said, let's get on with the show…
Match 1: Lance Cade vs. Val Venis
Match Background: Val Venis is WWE Fantasy's Season 5 MVP of Heat (determined by me). If you missed that not-so-shocking revelation, you can read all up on it here. While his win/loss record is impressive on Heat, Venis has not received any sort of push since 2003. His opponent for this evening is Lance Cade, who has been a jobber to the jobbers (JTTJ for those in the know) since breaking up with his tag team partner Trevor Murdoch. While Murdoch has gone on to win matches against high profile jobbers (including Shelton Benjamin) and profess his bi-sexuality, Cade is stuck losing matches on Heat. Maybe 2006 will be much kinder for Mr. Cade.
YES!!! Lance Cade has gotten new theme music. Sure it's generic cowboy music but at least it's different than Murdoch's. Cade looks like a poor man's Jeff Jarrett and I wonder why "With My Baby Tonight" is not being used for his theme song. That song kicked major ass. Val comes out shortly afterwards to his 1998 theme music and hands off his towel to the hottest MILF he could find. Tommy Dreamer finally announces why he is so fascinated with Val Venis's towel. First, he is a huge fan of South Park and the Towlie character (he must be hanging out with RVD a lot now) and second, he steals towels from every hotel he stays at. He invites us, the Heat audience, to even call him "Mr. Marriott" which I will take him up on.
We finally lockup and Venis is pushed into the corner. Cade breaks the hold and gives Venis a quick shove. This angers the former porn star who runs after Cade (who goes into hiding like a scalded dog). We lock up again and Val gets a quick headlock. Cade escapes by grabbing Venis's arm into a hammerlock. Venis escapes that and goes back to the headlock. Venis is whipped off the ropes but gets a shoulderblock. He unloads on Cade with some punches sending the cowboy into the corner. Chops in the corner set up an Irish whip but Cade reverses that. Cade kicks Venis in the knee to knock the adult movie actor down. Cade introduces Venis's knee into the steel post twice. Inside the ring, Cade goes to work on Venis's knee. After removing Venis's knee pad, he drops two elbows on the targeted area. Cade gets two spinning toeholds as the third attempt is reversed. A Venis schoolboy gets our first 2 count of the match. Cade follows Venis to the corner and unloads with punches and stomps to knock Venis back down. Choking follows for Cade. The ref makes Cade break the hold which prompts an argument.
Val fights back with two punches to Cade's midsection; however, his knee gives out on a suplex attempt. Cade gets a running chop block for a 1 count. Venis fights out of a kneebreaker with some right hands and gets a quick boot to the face to knock down Cade. Venis gets 2 clotheslines to start his comeback. A back body drop follows. The half-nelson slam looks to set up the Money Shot. However, Cade smartly rolls away forcing Venis, who is still selling the knee injury, to climb down from the ropes. Cade charges at Venis with a Stinger splash which misses. However, a single leg takedown with a rope-assisted pin gives Cade the win @ 6:35.
Winner: Lance Cade
Loser: Val Venis
A plug for the Wrestlemania Anthology set is shown. Considering I cannot find the box set at stores, it must be making a good amount of money for the WWE.
Match 2: Tyson Tomko vs. Jason Static
Match Background: Squash for New Year's.
The two men lockup to start before Tomko dumps his opponent. On the ring apron, Static gets in some punches before climbing the ropes. He jumps off with a double axe handle and gets nothing but a big boot to the face. Another Yakuza kick finishes @ 0:40.
Winner: Tyson Tomko
Loser: Jason Static
An advertisement is shown for the Eddie Guererro autobiography. Personally, I am more interested in the one page introduction by Vinne Mac than anything else in the book.
Up next is a video recap of the "Beat the Clock" matches from Raw. Considering last year's edition was excellent, I was thoroughly disappointed with this year's edition. Only the Chavo/Masters match was enjoyable especially considering that Chavo held his own against the WWE's favorite musclehead.
Matt Striker's Classroom
Matt Striker welcomes us all to another edition of his classroom. He wishes everyone a Happy New Year before explaining why New Year's Resolutions are important. He berates the audience for not following through with their resolutions. First, he tells a young man to move out of his parent's basement and stop posting negative comments on the internet. Second, he tells a young lady to stay on a diet or else she will never lose her double-chin or her large derrière. Finally, he admits that he did not keep his resolution for last year (that hypocrite!) as he cannot stop using large words when he speaks. He does promise to keep his 2006 resolution: to continue educating Heat fans across the world.
A New Year's Resolution… Revolution hype package for the Elimination Chamber match follows.
Match 3: Rob Conway vs. Viscera
Match Background: 2006 will be an interesting year for Rob Conway. Over the summertime, he was given the opportunity to create a new character, which has gotten minimal acceptance. With his push over, he has been given jobber duty on Heat for the last few weeks. Things might get even worse for the Con-Man as he could end up jobbing to the Repo Man in the indy circuits come the end of 2006. On the other hand, Viscera is still the world's largest lover. If only, Mark Henry could have returned to Raw as I would have been delighted to see a Big Vis vs. Sexual Chocolate feud.
While Conway makes his way out to no response, the announcers take turns creating their own catchphrases. When even the announcers do not pay attention to you, you are screwed. Goodbye, young Robert. However, Todd Grisham points out that Big Vis is the opposite of Conway: 98% fat. So I guess all is not lost just yet for the Con-Man.
Conway poses to start. He gets a headlock briefly before Vis whips him into the ropes. Conway's shoulderblock attempt goes nowhere. Vis taunts his fallen opponent. Some right hands by Conway have no effect on Big Vis. Neither does his Irish whip attempts as Vis reverses into an impressive one-armed spinebuster. Vis chops Conway in the corner before administering a headbutt and a hip toss. Conway counters Vis's back body drop attempt with a big boot. However, Conway walks into a boss man slam. The VD (big splash) misses.
Now on the attack, Conway unloads on a fallen Big Vis with some right hands. Vis slugs back until a big boot knocks him back down. That gets 2. Conway rakes Vis's eyes but allows Vis to stand back up. Conway continues to punch at a blinded Vis for a while, before getting a second rope clothesline for 2. Conway argues with the ref which allows Vis to get back up. Conway punches Vis into the corner but has his whip attempt reversed by Viscera. Conway moves from the oncoming Ho Train (I guess after 5 years, pimpin' still ain't easy). Conway tries a scoop slam but Vis shifts his weight and falls ontop of Conway for the 3 @ 4:45.
Winner: Viscera
Loser: Rob Conway
What a brutal edition of Heat to start 2006. Technically it is the final edition of 2005, so I shouldn't write off 2006 yet. This edition has no redeeming qualities as even Matt Striker's promo was nothing we haven't heard before.
Here's hoping that 2006 brings about a better online edition of Heat. My New Year's Resolution is to continue writing 411's #1 Heat report™ for years to come. Have a safe and healthy New Years and I will be back next week.
For Todd Grisham and Mr. Marriott, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not.
