The New Year's Revolution Breakdown
Posted by J.D. Dunn on 01.08.2006
The champ is dead. Long live the champ.
"New Year's Revolution" — 1/8/06
Live from Albany, NY.
Your hosts are Joey Styles, Jonathon Coachman and Jerry Lawler.
Intercontinental Title: Ric Flair vs. Edge (w/Lita).
Edge attacks before the bell and gives Flair a backdrop. Flair comes back with chops and goes after Lita, but he gets suckered into an Edge clothesline. Edge controls for a bit before Flair hits an atomic drop. Edge clotheslines him over, but Flair catches him coming with a chop and crotches him on the crowd barrier. Back in, Flair goes up and pokes both Edge and Lita in the eyes and comes off with a hammer on Edge. He chops Edge's knee out from under him and gives him a kneebreaker. Lita gets up and talks trash, so Flair yanks her in the ring and locks her in the figure-four. Edge grabs his Money in the Bank briefcase and bashes Flair's head in for the DQ at 7:17. Flair bleeds all over the ring as Edge and Lita leave. Average match marred even more by a bad ending, but once the night was over, it was understandable. *3/4
Kurt Angle delivers a funny promo where he goes WAY over the top as a heel, saying he doesn't care for black people and he wants to make Jesus tap out. He calls the fans trained dogs.
Recap of the highly interesting Trish/Mickey feud.
WWE Women's Title: Trish Stratus vs. Mickey James.
Outside of HHH/Big Show, this is my most anticipated match. Mickey has new music that sounds suspiciously like Tony Basil's "Mickey." Trish offers a handshake but lets Mickey know she needs to be on her game. Mickey comes out peppy with a cartwheel out of a wristlock, but she stops to congratulate herself, and Trish slams her down. Counter wrestling follows. Trish counters a huracanrana to a pin attempt for two. Mickey's kickout sends Trish to the floor, but Mickey opens the ropes for her to get back in. They get frustrated and exchange forearms. Trish catches Mickey going up and goes for the Stratusphere (handspring headscissors), but Mickey shoves her away to counter. Trish kicks her to the floor but misses a dropkick through the ropes. Mickey contemplates using the Women's Title but thinks better of it. Back in, Trish nails her with the Thesz Press. The Stratusphere hits this time. It only gets two. Mickey hits Stratusfaction and gets all "Sleepaway Camp" instead of covering. ONE, TWO, THR--NO! Trish fails to get Stratusfaction but ducks a Mick Kick. The Chick Kick finishes moments later at 7:09. Not bad at all. **
Maria stands by for an interview with…herself. Gregory Cage Helms interrupts and threatens to send Lawler to the hospital so he can't say "puppies" during the Diva's match. Shelton Benjamin and his Mama walk by the interview area, and she chastises him for not eating right.
Edge refuses to answer questions on Unlimited, so he sends Lita to do it for him.
Gregory Helms vs. Jerry Lawler.
I think this could actually be the sleeper match of the PPV. Helms gets an armdrag early but celebrates for way too long. King comes back with punches and a backdrop. King mocks him with the Hurripose and tosses him to the floor. Helms takes over with a poke in the eye. He gets two off a side slam. A trio of suplexes follow as the crowd tunes out. Helms goes with the restholds, and this match starts to die a slow horrible death. I guess it really is a sleeper match. Helms doesn't fall for the old babyface blocks the heel's second-rope move with a boot. To the outside, Helms tosses Lawler into the post. Back in, a missile dropkick gets two. Zzzzzzzz. DOWN COMES THE STRAP! Well, it doesn't mean much anymore. King calls for a piledriver, but Helms backdrops out of it. He goes up, but King crotches him and drops a fist off the second rope…for the win? (9:34). Helms has clearly pared down his offense for the "WWE style," killing all of his heat. It's sad because six years ago, Helms was on a path to become what AJ Styles is now. And given the result here, I wouldn't be surprised if they were wrestling each other in 90 days. 3/4*
Lita and Trish come face to face in the Unlimited area. Mickey is still peppy despite the loss. She is, like, totally in awe of the Chick Kick. She thinks when their hot, sweaty skin touched, it was like magic. **Gulp** I…I have to go do something. Uh, right after the next segment.
While Shelton's Mama is bent over looking for some real food for her boy, Viscera comes in and admires her booty. He wants to give her a taste of his smoked meat log, but she's offended by his come ons and promises him a match-up tonight. Nevermind, the thought of Vis and Shelton's Mammie having sweaty buttsex is more than enough of a cold shower for me.
Triple H vs. Big Show.
There is a small, vocal group of fans cheering for Triple H. HHH stalls, trying to avoid the cast shot. Show catches him with a headbutt and does the "Shhhhh" chops in the corner. Show whips him over the ropes and hits him with another chop. As Show tries to get back in, Hunter knees him to the ground (with a Harley Race-like knee, according to Styles). Show misses a swing and cracks his cast up against the ringpost. Hunter goes right after the hand and tears the cast off. Show headbutts him desperately but misses a charge and goes over the top to the floor. The crowd gets into it as Hunter goes after Show's hand. Show powers out of an overhand wristlock and throws Hunter aside. Big Show tries to find a way to mount an offense with only one hand. Hunter ducks a swing, and Show knocks the referee out. Hunter grabs the sledgehammer, but Show blocks it and snaps the hammer in half. Show whips Hunter into the ringsteps, but he can't pick them up. Hunter kicks him in the nuts and smashes his hand again with the chair. Show is enraged and spears Hunter as he's coming after him with the chair. Back in, Show calls for the left-handed chokeslam. "I know something you don't know. I AM NOT LEFT-HANDED!" Hunter smashes him with a piece of the sledgehammer and hits the Pedigree as the ref recovers. That's enough for the win at 16:12. Triple H is indeed our daddy. Very slow, but smartly booked, and it had great psychology. Big Show doesn't get enough credit for being a good storyteller in the ring. **3/4
Carlito and Chris Masters talk about their odds tonight. Carlito brings up the fact that they are the only two guys in the match that haven't won a world title. Carlito proposes they team up against the other four.
Shelton and Kamala III come out to demand an apology from Viscera, but she accidentally calls Vis "Benjamin." Oops. She also calls Vis out to get his ass kicked by her boy. Bigger oops.
Shelton Benjamin (w/his Mama) vs. Viscera.
Viscera tosses Benjamin around the ring as Mama shouts encouragement. Oddly enough, I think I've sat next to her at every single movie I've ever been to. To the outside, Mama gets in Vis' way long enough for Shelton to take advantage with a kick to the head. Shelton chops Vis' legs out from under him and hits a flying clothesline for two. Mama calls for Shelton to break Vis' leg, so Shelton splashes it. Vis kicks him away and squashes him with a Samoan Drop. Mama threatens to get her belt if Shelton doesn't get up. AND IT WORKS! Vis keeps knocking him down, though, and drops an elbow for two. Black Hole Slam by Viscera. Of course, with Vis involved, "Black Hole" has a whole new meaning. Vis humps Shelton in the butt, prompting threats from Mama. Shelton rolls out of the way of a splash, and Mama hits Vis with her purse. Shelton finishes him with the leg whip at 7:48. Shelton and Mama dance to celebrate. "Mama" is fun in a "Lawrence Taylor breaking Joe Theismann's leg" sort of way. I'm sickened, but it's just so funny to watch. Horrible match, though. 1/2*
Vince McMahon comes in to wish Shawn Michaels good luck, even though no one has ever started the Elimination Chamber and won it. Shawn reminds him of all the "firsts" he's been involved in.
WrestleMania promo set to "Big Time" by Peter Gabriel. Oh, you know you LOVE that song as much as I do.
Bra & Panties Gauntlet Match #1: Maria vs. Candice Michelle.
Candice tries to doublecross her on a handshake, but Maria's too smart for that. Really? Candice slams her and stomps her in the stomach. There goes Maria's top. Maria kicks Candice down and strips her of her top. Candice locks in the hangover choke, but Maria is able to shove her way out of it and strip an upside down Candice of her bottom for the win at 2:11.
Bra & Panties Gauntlet Match #2: Maria vs. Torrie Wilson.
Maria reverse rolls her and pulls Torrie's pants down but not all the way. Torrie actually uses a handspring elbow, reminding me of the era when she used to go out with Tajiri. To the outside, Maria pulls Torrie's top off. Back in, they roll around on the ground, knock the ref down, and roll over him too. Torrie takes offense to the ref, and that distraction allows Maria to depants Torrie at 2:35.
Bra & Panties Gauntlet Match #3: Maria vs. Victoria.
Vicki goes for something, but Maria sunset flips over her and tries to pull her bottom down. Victoria blocks and pulls Maria's pants off about a minute in.
Bra & Panties Gauntlet Match #4: Victoria vs. Mae Young.
Mae strips herself, revealing…pasties. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end. The end of dog racing. Moolah tries to take Mae out of ring, but Victoria attacks her from behind. Mae and Moolah team up to strip Victoria of her top. They nearly take her bra with them. Joey makes me guffaw as he calls Mae a "horror movie zombie" because she keeps coming after Vicky's top.
Bra & Panties Gauntlet Match #5: Victoria vs. Ashley.
Vicky grabs her right away and goes for the Widow's Peak, but Ashley rolls through and pulls Victoria's pants down for the win at about 10 minutes of total time. Ashley strips anyway. Yeah, chicks in their underwear is all well and good, but I have Cinemax, and "Emmanuelle vs. Dracula" totally gooches this. 1/2*
Benjamin is psyched about the win until he finds out that Mama used a brick to smash Viscera's brains in.
WWE Heavyweight Title, Elimination Chamber: John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Masters vs. Carlito Cool vs. Kurt Angle (w/Daivari) vs. Kane.
Cena comes out to massive boos, but the crowd becomes more divided once the match starts. Why does Shawn get to come out last? Champ always comes out last. Cena and Michaels start. Shawn slaps him in the face, so Cena fires away with punches. Shawn tosses him into the cage and chops him. Shawn winds up stretched on the top rope, and they do that goofy spot where Cena kicks him up and he crotches himself. Big boos for that. Carlito comes in at the 5 minute mark and gets a pop for going after Cena. He dropkicks Cena and delivers a somersault senton over the top rope onto Shawn on the steel. The announcers point out how stupid that is. Carlito hits Cena with a Flatliner for two. He catches Shawn going up and slams him off for two. Michaels small packages Carlito for two, giving Cena an opportunity to recover. Carlito charges but gets flap jacked by both Cena and Michaels. They team up to double backdrop him as the countdown begins for the fourth entrant. It's Kurt Angle. He German Suplexes everyone to a big pop. That allows Joey to bust out "no bridge, all impact." Angle takes out HBK and Carlito, allowing him to isolate Cena. Shawn gets busted open off a catapult into the chain. Cena makes the comeback but gets belly-to-bellied. DOWN COME THE STRAPS! Carlito counters an Angleslam to the Apple of My Eye (well, they're not coming up with a name), but Angle counters that to an Anklelock. Masters gets the call and saves Carlito from tapping. Masters looks like a worldbeater, powerslamming Cena and press slamming Michaels. Kurt reverses the Masterpiece to an Anklelock. Cena breaks it up but winds up taking the Anklelock himself. SWEET CHIN MUSIC! Shawn falls into a cover, and Kurt is the first one eliminated at 13:59!
Kurt was actually the crowd favorite, so they're a bit deflated as the match grinds on for the next few minutes while Carlito and Masters dominate. They start a "Cena sucks!" chant for fun. Kane comes in and kills the heels dead. Masters catches him on the top rope but can't superplex him. Kane shoves him away and comes off with the Flying Clothesline. Kane turns his sights on Shawn. Chokeslam to Shawn. Chokeslam to Cena. Masters breaks up the chokeslam to Carlito but can't put the Masterlock on him. Carlito and Masters team up against Kane, but he keeps coming. He's a monster, after all. Finally, Masters press slams Carlito onto Kane, and they both cover him to eliminate the Big Red Machine at 19:25.
Okay, so there are only three real options (sorry Carlito), and the crowd hates all of them. Suddenly, Shawn makes the superman comeback against both men. He delivers the flying elbow to Cena. The crowd splits between Shawn and Cena again. SWEET CHIN MUSIC! Carlito jumps Shawn before he can make the cover, though. Apple of My Eye! There goes Shawn at 23:35.
Now the crowd is REALLY pissed. Cena makes the superman comeback this time. FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE to Carlito. Masters makes the save to a big pop and tosses Cena to the steel outside. DDT on the steel! Masters and Carlito destroy Cena, which is supposed to make us all worried about the Cena's fate, but the crowd is actually cheering them. Masters and Carlito stop to argue over which one is going to finish him. Masters, like an idiot, goes for the Masterlock. Carlito drops down and low blows Masters. Schoolboy on Masters by Carlito. ONE, TWO, THREE! (28:16)
But Cena sneaks in and schoolboys Carlito for the win at 28:23. ***1/4
But that's not all because Edge has decided to cash in his Money in the Bank title shot!
WWE Heavyweight Title: John Cena vs. Edge (w/Lita).
Edge jumps the bloody Cena and pounds away on his open wound. He sets up for the…SPEAR! ONE, TWO, THREE? NO! The ref hit three, but Cena had rolled his shoulder. Edge can't believe it. ANOTHER SPEAR! ONE, TWO, THREE! NEW CHAMPION! (1:48) Lawler screams, "He's stolen the damn title!" Edge struggles to hold back tears as he celebrates with an appreciative crowd. 1/2*
Final Thoughts: Well, you can call it predictable, but they needed to shake things up with something, and this was almost exactly how it should have gone. Edge becomes the first member of the Class of '98 to win a World Title. More on that in a future column. The Elimination Chamber wasn't even as good as last year's but it was just part of a larger story anyway. The wrestling wasn't great tonight, but things were well-booked and the title picture is suddenly interesting again.
Thumbs up, for historical reasons more than wrestling ones.
