- Helms is a Raw guy. London poses on the top rope and backflips into the ring, showing more energy than Mark Henry was able to muster in his last Smackdown match.
- I'm surprised that they put this match in the all-important opening slot.
- London busts out a dropsault INTO A PIN! Everybody ends up outside the ring... London SHOOTING STAR PRESS OUT OF THE RING! NOBODY CAUGHT HIM! He went chest first to the floor! He gets up, apparently uninjured. Crowd gives a bit of a "Holy shit" chant
- Helms gives London a top rope swinging neckbreaker.
- Kash gives London a brainbuster (!) but the pin is broken up.
- Nunzio steals Roderick Strong's press into a gutbuster kind of thing. Helms hits Funaki with a FLASH MAGIC for the win. (people get mad when I call it that).
Raw is better than Smackdown. London may have won himself some fans, but without mic time and being presented as something of a threat, they are fighting an uphill battle.
Winner: Gregory Helms
It's interesting that it looks like they are letting the cruisers work a quicker style. I'd say that TNA should be nervous, but WWE's cruisers are mostly guys who could have lit the world on fire 6 years ago. Now they're just kind of there. It's funny how Vince is about 5 years behind the curve.
Vince is in the back with Teddy Long. Vince makes a Louis Farrakhan reference!?! Vince kicks it with Vince's Devils. He compliments Torrie and Candice's boobs, and ignores Victoria. They spin the lottery thing. Randy Orton picks his number. Randy is happy. Here comes AITCHAITCHAITCH. "Well if it isn't Mr. Destiny" he says to Orton.
"Torrie, you mind opening your box for me?" says HHH. "Would you hold my ball?" he asks Candice. The crowd laughs. "Feels good." he adds. HHH pulls a bad number, judging from his shocked reaction. Crowd loved that.
Trish is backstage wearing HBK's ref gear and it finally doesn't look gay. Mickie pops up and tells Trish she loves her. Trish is all awkward and the crowd cheers.
Mickie vs. Ashley:
- Argh. This was not good at all. Who on earth decided to let this go 7+ minutes? The major problem was that all they did was deliver kicks and some arm twisting. What made it worse is that the crowd gave them the benefit of the doubt! They were chanting along with Trish's counts and everything. But then at the end, Ashley totally blew a spear/shoulderblock/whatever, and the crowd had seen enough and the boos came raining down. Mickie silenced them by powerbombing Ashley off the top. She pins and for some reason Trish paused a long time before handing out the 3 count, like she didn't want Mickie to win.
- THIS is a match that should have "told a story". The execution was OK until the end, but the content and choice of moves was abysmal. They had absolutely nothing in their arsenal to fill the time they were given.
Very disappointing.
Winner: Mickie
Vince is hanging in the back with his broads. They show him their tattoos. Victoria has one right above her booty and it makes you feel sad when they cut away from it. I could have looked at that for five minutes. Big Show comes in and has funny dialogue, but everybody talks over everybody else. He picks a number. Rey comes in and picks a number, and talks to Eddie's corpse about how he gave Rey an interesting number.
Vince sits on the couch with his ladies. Torrie shows Vince her dog's tattoo? And Vince reacts with an eye bulge? Who wrote that crap? That doesn't even make sense.
We need a "Eddie's corpse on a pole match". The winner gets to use it to get cheap pops!
JBL vs. The Boogeyman:
- Boogeyman climbs on Jillian and spits worms in or near her mouth. Creepy. JBL hides at ringside.
- We sit through one minute of JBL's crappy brawling leads to a "Let's go Boogey" chant! Ha! How about that?
- And then Boogey takes the advantage, hits a pumphandle slam... and pins for the win!
I can't believe they jobbed JBL to this guy in 2 minutes... CLEAN! JBL is a heck of a guy to agree to this. But Boogey is catching on, so it should be fun to see where all this leads. I'd love to see Boogey just make a total mockery of the Taker in a feud.
Winner: Boogeyman
After it's over, Tazz tries to talk about what Boogey's worms are like... But he can't think of anything and stumbles and stammers for ten seconds before Cole makes fun of him. Tazz is totally, 100% witless. He was terrible tonight.
Vince is in the back with his ladies... and Shelton's mama hits on Vince. Shelton gets a good luck kiss from her and picks his number. He promises Vince that he will throw HBK over the top rope. Melina pops in and wishes Shelton luck, but Shelton's mama doesn't want her boy to associate with that tramp. Melina sweetly asks Vince to look into her problems with Teddy Long. MNM pick their numbers. Melina promises that they will get rid of Michaels for him.
Again, Melina is head and shoulders above almost anyone in this company when it comes to acting without becoming a caricature.
Cole and Lawler call the rumble and you know what? They're a good team. I'd really like to see these two call Raw, and have the ECW buddies Styles & Tazz do Smackdown. Vince isn't happy with Joey, and I personally don't mind him, but he's not exactly adding much to the shows. Cole and Lawler seem to have very good chemistry, and sounded like they enjoyed working together.
Royal Rumble 2006:
Before the start, the Spirit Squad come out to do their embarrassing crap. When they stop their cheer, the crowd boos. But then the Squad does more cheering, and this time there is almost no reaction. It's a "that sucked" reaction, not a "heel heat" reaction, and I hope that the WWE can tell. Or care.
I'll just list some of the notable moments of this match:
- Ut oh. HHH is #1. Coleslawr mentions that only HHH's buddies Ric Flair and HBK have won at the #1 slot. IT HAS BEGUN! I'll still take him being stuffed down our throats rather than Jarrett. Rey is #2. He comes out in the low rider. THE SPIRIT OF EDDIE COMPELS HIM! That'd be an interesting idea to have #1 and #2 go all the way and face off for the finish.
- Simon Dean comes in and wants to be buddies with HHH. HHH is all "fuck that noise" and eliminates Simon to big cheers. Cena vs. HHH – Aitch is gonna get cheered! They will be walking a tightrope if that ends up as the Wrestlemania main.
- Rey's old rival Psicosis enters, and they do some competent stuff but the magic is long gone. "EC DUB" chant Rey eliminates Psicosis with a rana, a neat segment.
- Flair comes in and has an awesome segment with HHH... When suddenly HHH gets rid of Ric! Dammit! Crowd gives thunderous boos. What a waste!
- Big Show comes in. I like how Rey and HHH's rivals keep entering and challenging them. Coach comes in and is eliminated right away. They did that Coach/King match just to piss us off, I guess. Who was it designed to entertain?
- Lashley comes in and shows some SERIOUS fire! He stares down Show and there's actually a bit of a "Lashley" chant. Lashley lunges and gives Show an awkward but powerful back body drop. Kane enters, and Lashley and Kane go toe to toe. A GIANT "Let's go Kane" chant erupts. Lashley hits Kane with the Dominator, which still looks pretty shitty... and then he roars and poses, getting himself some decent cheers! Syvlan comes in and throws some punches which Lashley no-sells. Lashley grabs him by the neck and throws him out of the ring! Kane and Show hit him with a double chokeslam and eliminate him. Very well done! I think Bobby performed very, very well, and got himself over a bit as a threat.
- Benoit comes in and german suplexes the hell out of everybody. Awesome. Booker comes in and is inexplicably eliminated Benoit right away. Crowd boos. This crowd boos a lot of stuff tonight. At times, it really seems like they boo booking decisions that they don't agree with, rather than face/heel stuff.
- The ring is clogged. Tatanka comes out and this awesome crowd gives a huge, singing Seminole chant. Like the Atlanta Braves tomahawk chop song, if that helps.
- Eugene comes out to not much reaction. I think he is done. Animal comes out and I believe he is expecting. Congratulations to Animal and his life partner!
- RVD is here! MASSIVE pop, big "RVD" chant! He goes on the attack, throwing messy kicks and ugly jumps all over the place. Boy, does he have ring rust or was he always this wobbly? "ROB!" "VAN!" "DAM!" pose. Rob is supposed to be on fire, but he's not very electric. It's like he's made of rubber.
- Chavo comes out to big "Eddie" chants. He goes for a frogsplash, but HHH dumps him to the floor, eliminating him. And thus HHH gets heel heat by exploiting a dead wrestler.
- Matt Hardy's de-valuation program is going fantastic, as Viscera hits the ring tricked out like a velvet Mabel. He dry humps Matt in the middle of the ring and casually eliminates him.
- Is it just me or do they bring in the same "surprise" guys every year? Tatanka and Goldust?! Come on.
- Chris Masters continues to get a weak reaction, heh heh. That never fails to amuse me.
- Orton's entrance gets big cheers. He immediately eliminates Benoit to loud, disappointed groans.
- Carlito stabs Masters in the back again, to cheers.
- Goldust milks a hell of a reaction out of his kick to the balls move.
- Right after that, Rob gives Goldust a kick and Goldust wiggles his neck and then turns around and puts himself out of the ring. Looked AWFUL.
- HBK eliminates MNM with a flat-out awesome sequence. Nitro takes a crazy flip bump off the apron, and HBK goes over with Mercury but holds on and skins the cat back in.
- Oh lord, RVD's forearms on Shelton are TERRIBLE!
- Shelton is on the apron, HBK superkicks him off... Shelton LEAPS to the floor, looked great.
- Vince McMahon comes out and HBK, in the ring, is all "what's your problem dude?" Shane McMahon - ! - slides in and eliminates HBK! HBK is upset and for some reason slides back in and superkicks HHH to a mixed reaction. Michaels decides that it's Scooby Doo time and chases Shane to the back.
- RVD does a leg catch jumping back kick which barely touches Carlito. Carlito runs and jumps out of the ring. Another terrible, "business exposing" spot.
- It comes down to RVD vs. Rey vs. HHH vs. Orton. RVD and Rey bust out some incredible double teams.. an assisted standing moonsault! Rolling thunder gets a big pop! RVD goes for the five star dealie, but HHH sends Mysterio into the corner and Rob falls out, eliminated.
- Rey faces Orton and HHH. "Eddie" chant. Rey unloads with a double DDT, a double 619 and a big springboard butt bomb on Orton.
- HHH hoists up Rey to throw him out, but Rey brings him over with a bodyscissors and eliminates him! Crowd freaks out, jumping up and down!
- It's Rey vs. Randy. HHH drags Rey out and beats on him, then slides him back in. Randy smiles and works the crowd into a big reaction. He yells "No chance!"
- Orton picks up Rey to eliminate him, but Rey twists into a headscissors for the win!
- King: "Latino Heat is alive and well!"
The first 1/3 and the last 1/3 of this match were really good. The middle brawl portion was really dull. Overall, an enjoyable match! I have no idea who Rey would even face at Wrestlemania.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
In the back, Rey celebrates with Chavo, Benoit and DEAN MALENKO! Edge confronts Mysterio. He warns Rey not to go after his belt.
WWE Title Match - John Cena vs. Edge:
- I can't believe this isn't the main event.
- Cena gets a special, gimmicked "Please for the love of God cheer me" ramp that lowers from the rafters and shoots smoke and confetti. Cena still gets plenty of boos ha ha!
- The crowd turns as this goes on. In the start, kids chant for Cena and the dudes stay quiet. Edge, in the eyes of the fans, is fairly un-supportable. But as it goes, the men have had enough and break out some "Let's go Edge" dueling chants. By the end, the crowd is split almost 50/50.
- Most of this match is Cena lying on the floor or on the mat, selling. Awful.
- Edge sleeper hold is turned into a "we watch Samoa Joe" rear naked choke. Under a general cacaphony of crowd noise is a dueling "Let's go Cena"/Let's go Edge" chant. Crowd boos when Cena escapes the choke.
- Cena rallies with clotheslines, and each one receives 65% boos.
- Cena hits an FU and locks in the STF..U (I guess that's what it's called). As we wait to see if Edge taps, King says: "Is Edge going to be a transitional champion?" and then Edge taps. Well you really helped him out there, King.
A plodding, dull affair. I mean, it was mind-numbing. I still say that Edge is the proverbial broomstick. Without a good opponent or tons of gimmicks, he can not have a good match. It seemed to me that this was a match that could have been all about crowd manipulation, rather than "workrate". The crowd heat was there. But they didn't really go for either. I don't know what the hell they were going for in this match. It wasn't even as good as your average Raw main event.
The crowd reaction was interesting in another way. They mildly booed almost everything that happened. Kids and women cheering Cena was layered on top, but at the core, the crowd was unsettled by everything in this match for some reason.
Winner: John Cena
World Title Match - Mark Henry w/ Daivari vs. Kurt Angle:
- So since Rey won, does this mean Henry's going to win?
- "Angle" chant before his entrance! Tazz again puts over that huge and incredible world-shattering bombshell that Daivari took over the managing duties from Melina.
- Ohh man, this starts out awful. Angle keeps dodging lock ups.. and Henry's all "What am I gonna do now?".
- Henry big splash gets two. Crowd chats amongst themselves.
- Ohhhh and now a bear hug. This match is sinking real fast. A bit of a "boring" chant is audible as the bear hug goes on forever.
- Angle suddenly cinches in the ankle lock, but Henry wiggles his leg and Angle bumps across the ring. Kurt can't hoist him for an angle slam. God, Tazz can barely speak, let alone commentate. Kurt suplex is followed by an angle slam. Henry kicks out and the crowd boos a bit.
- Another ankle lock. Another Henry leg wiggle sends Angle into a ref bump. Tazz says this is the second time in three days that this happened. Geez, Tazz, that is really sad. He corrects himself a bit later. It's been three times, of course.
- Angle drops Daivari with a chair shot. Low blows Henry.
- It takes two chair shots to drop Henry. 1..2.. Henry kicks out. And the crowd boos this bullshit match.
- Angle removes the turnbuckle pad. Has the WWE abandoned the face/heel philosophy? Henry ends up running into the corner and Angle rolls him up for three.
That match SUCKED. What a terrible payoff. This was an awful choice for a Rumble main event.
Winner: Kurt Angle
Here comes The Undertaker, looking for his Wrestlemania check.
Pretty nonsensical. Undertaker makes the "I want the belt" motion and Tazz asks Cole what that means, as if he hasn't done that motion himself plenty of times.
Undertaker uses his magic powers to get pyro to go off.. And he makes the ring collapse. Tazz says "Holy Shit!" but it's bleeped out.
Dammit, I just wasted $35. The rumble match was good except for the middle third. Edge/Cena was a very stubborn display. They want Cena to be a big face so bad, but it's only going to garner more resentment from the fans. Edge was, up until tonight, on a tear. It seems messed up to have him cut that "transitional champion" promo and then make him... a transitional champion.
A LOW THREE out of FIVE. Just for the Rumble match itself.
Are they really going to do Vince vs. Shawn at Wrestlemania? Why not HBK vs RVD?
Check out my Monday Night Review in the early Tuesday AM.
I would highly recommend checking out Jeff Small's news report. He simulated the Rumble card with Smackdown vs. Raw and I laughed so hard it hurt. When Coach enters the rumble I just died. Check it out here.
For $8! THRILL to the exploits of a giant wrestling dragon/butterfly with his midget self at ringside! WATCH Low Ki unleash the stiffness! BEHOLD Tanaka "turning the tables" on Mike Awesome in the actual sense of the word! SEE everybody in the building kick Mano Metalico in the back! And so much more! Enjoy this custom, sanctioned DVD, won't you?
