411's WWE Heat Report 04.16.06
Posted by Scott Slimmer on 04.16.2006
We’ve got the return of former World Tag Team Champions! Relax, it’s really not as exciting as it sounds.
Hey guys and gals, I'm Scott, and this is 411's WWE Heat Report.
Well, well, well. Robert Hunter hit the nail right on the head. What a long, strange trip it's been. It's been almost six months since I started writing 411's WWE Heat Report, and I'm amazed at how much has changed during that time. When I started writing this report, the hottest feud on Heat was Shelton Benjamin vs. Kerwin White. Now Shelton is the Intercontinental Champion and Kerwin is a distant memory. I've seen the Heart Throbs get stuck with an absolutely abysmal gimmick and then get fired for actually trying to get over in spite of it. I've written reports of Gregory Helms' first match (sans cape) and Tajiri's last match (sans bingo hall). In fact, as I flip through my back pages here at 411, it seems as though the only constant has been my feud with fellow Heat Reporter Jeff Small. I honestly can't remember a time when we weren't at each other's throats. Our names, our columns, and our lives here at 411 have become hopelessly intertwined, but all of that ends today. This is it. This is the end of the Feud of the 411 Heat Reporters.
Let me make two things perfectly clear. First, I don't regret a single thing I did during the course of this feud. There was alot of truth and alot of real emotion in everything that I said. I may not have always stated my case in the most diplomatic or politically correct way, but at least it was honest. Second, I want you to understand that what I'm saying today has very little to do with the "Loser Leaves Heat" voting in Small's Sunday Small-For-All News Report. Let's face it; I'm not exactly "Mr. Popularity" around here. Small likes to pander to the readers and sit back while they stroke his ego, but I've always been more concerned with the truth. The truth hurts, and the honest position is often the unpopular position. Come on, the poll is in Small's column which is read by Small's fans. That's not exactly an unbiased population of voters. In addition, I still can't figure out if Small intended for the readers to vote for who they wanted to stay or who they wanted to leave, so I have no idea how Small is going to try and spin the results.
Honestly, the real reason that I'm putting an end to this feud is that I'm tired. I'm tired of spending so much time thinking about Small. I'm tired of starting my Heat Reports with promos that even Triple H would find repetitive. I'm tired of the negativity. Heat may not be one of WWE's flagship shows, but it is my little corner of the wrestling world. I love writing my Heat Report. That's as simple as I can make it. I love writing my Heat Report. So this is both an end and a beginning. The Feud of the 411 Heat Reporters is over. A new day is dawning for 411's WWE Heat Report. I thank each and every one of you that has stuck with me this far, and I can't tell you how excited I am about what is yet to come.
Anyway, I think we have some wrestling to discuss. You're probably aware that Heat recently became available exclusively on WWE.com, and I think that this report should reflect that change. The new video-on-demand nature of Heat allows me to screen each episode for you while still allowing you to watch all or part of the show after reading my report. I want this column to be a resource to help you decide which segments are worth watching and which segments are worth skipping. However, I also want to cover each segment in detail for those of you who do not have the time, the desire, or the ability to watch Heat yourself. I'm going to try and meet both of these goals by separating this column into a preview and a review. The preview will include the title of each segment, the tag line for each segment, the running time for each segment, and the non-spoiler bottom line on whether or not the segment is worth watching. The review will include a detailed description of all of the action in each segment. Okay kids, enough with the boring stuff. Let's get to the wrestling.
The Preview
Segment 1: Trevor vs. Snitsky Tag Line: Watch Trevor Murdoch take on Snitsky this week on Heat. Running Time: 5:32 Bottom Line: It's a short match with nothing really interesting from either guy. Skip it.
Segment 2: Eugene in Action Tag Line: Eugene takes on Matt Longtime in singles action. Running Time: 6:05 Bottom Line: It's the same comedy squash match that we've seen from Eugene on countless occasions. Skip it.
Segment 3: Viscera in Action Tag Line: Viscera goes one on one with Adrian Lynch this week on Heat. Running Time: 4:38 Bottom Line: This, my friends, is the textbook definition of a squash match. Skip it.
Segment 4: Goldust vs. Cade Tag Line: Goldust takes on Lance Cade in the main event. Running Time: 10:45 Bottom Line: Neither guy really delivers anything that we haven't seen before. It's probably the best match of the episode, but that really isn't saying much. Skip it.
The Review
Segment 1: Trevor vs. Snitsky (Trevor Murdoch vs. Gene Snitsky)
We start off with the new WWE: The Power is Back video followed by the Heat opening video. Todd Grisham, alongside "The Coach" Jonathan Coachman, welcomes us to Heat. Trevor Murdoch's music hits, and WWE's answer to Cowboy Troy makes his way down the ramp. Murdoch climbs into the ring and quickly loses his shirt and hat. Murdoch paces back and forth in the ring in anticipation of his opponent. "It wasn't my Fault!" Gene Snitsky's music hits, and Snitsky makes his way down the ramp. Snitsky climbs into the ring, the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.
Snitsky quickly dominates Murdoch in a test of strength and shoves him down to the ramp. Murdoch gets back to his feet, but Snitsky bitch slaps him out of the ring. Dude, is Snitsky the face in this match? Murdoch slides out of the ring to take a breather but is met with a bear hug from Snitsky when he climbs back into the ring. Murdoch breaks out of the hold and goes on the offense. He beats down Snitsky in the corner before giving him a series of clubbing forearm shots to the chest. Snitsky gets to his knees but is caught with a bulldog from Murdoch. Snitsky goes back on the offensive with an atomic drop, a clothesline, and a big back body drop. Snitsky goes for the Big Boot but Murdoch slides out to the ring apron. Murdoch grabs Snitsky and gives him a modified Lung Blower across the top rope. Murdoch slides back into the ring, rolls up Snitsky, and puts his own feet on the second rope for additional leverage. Murdoch has Snitsky covered and gets the three count. Murdoch's music hits as he slides out of the ring. The referee follows Murdoch out of the ring and raises his hand in celebration.
Match Result: Trevor Murdoch defeats Gene Snitsky. Match Length: 3:06 Best Spot: Murdoch's modified Lung Blower across the top rope
Segment 2: Eugene in Action (Eugene vs. Matt Longtime)
We're back on Heat, and we're immediately greeted by WWE's most special superstar. Eugene's music hits, and Eugene staggers down the ramp. Eugene climbs into the ring where Matt Longtime is already waiting for him. Both men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway. Eugene waives to the crowd and hugs the referee to start things off. Eugene offers to shake Longtime's hand, but Longtime rudely denies him. Eugene does his traditional test of strength shenanigans before shaking his booty in Longtime's general direction. Eugene takes Longtime down to the mat, wraps his legs around Longtime's torso, and rolls Longtime around the ring. Longtime gets back to his feet but misses an elbow drop. Eugene gets Longtime down to his hands and knees and rides him around the ring. Eugene traps Longtime in the corner and, um, bites his ass. Not cool. Longtime tells Eugene that his boot is untied. Eugene bends down to tie his boot, and Longtime takes the opportunity to kick Eugene in the head. Longtime grabs Eugene and rams his shoulder into the top turnbuckle. Longtime takes Eugene down to the mat and works on his shoulder. Eugene gets back to his feet, but Longtime slams Eugene's head into the top turnbuckle. Eugene, um, Eugene's up and sends Longtime down to the mat. Eugene lifts Longtime into the air and hits the helicopter spin. Both men stumble around the ring, but Eugene finally catches Longtime with the Stone Cold Stunner. Eugene covers Longtime and gets the three count. Eugene's music hits as the referee raises his hand in celebration. Eugene gets some love from the crowd as Longtime writhes in pain on the mat.
We finish up with a commercial for Backlash on Sunday, April 30th, 2006.
Match Result: Eugene defeats Matt Longtime with the Stone Cold Stunner. Match Length: 4:21 Best Spot: Eugene's Stone Cold Stunner
Segment 3: Viscera in Action (Viscera vs. Adrian Lynch)
We're back on Heat, and "The world's largest love machine is HERE!" Viscera's music hits, and the man who made sweet Lillian Garcia cry makes his way down the ramp. Viscera climbs into the ring where Adrian Lunch is already waiting for him. Viscera loses the scarf and robe to reveal a set of sensible black pajamas. You know what they say; black is very slimming. Anyway, both men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway. Viscera grabs Lynch by the head and keeps him at arms length. Lynch runs into a clothesline from Viscera before Viscera lifts him onto the top rope. Lynch launches himself at Viscera, but Viscera catches him a delivers a devastating spinebuster. Viscera muscles Lynch to the corner and goes to work with the chops. Viscera ties Lynch up in the tree of woe and again slaps him across the chest. Viscera charges towards Lynch and smashes him in the corner. Lynch gets back to his feet and is met with another charging smash from Viscera. Lynch walks into a Back Hole Slam from Viscera. Viscera rolls Lynch onto his stomach, shakes what his momma gave him, and hits the Visagra. Man, not even a jobber deserves that kind of punishment. Viscera hits the ropes and connects with the Viscera Drop. Viscera covers Lynch and gets the three count. Viscera's music hits as the referee raises his hand in victory.
We finish up with a commercial for Edge's feature article in the April issue of Raw Magazine, available now.
Match Result: Viscera defeats Adrian Lynch with the Viscera Drop. Match Length: 2:41 Best Spot: Viscera's Back Hole Slam
Segment 4: Goldust vs. Cade (Goldust vs. Lance Cade)
We start off with a video package highlighting the feud between John Cena, Triple H, and Edge over the WWE Championship. I think I've become a full-fledged Edgehead. I've seriously been digging the Rated-R Superstar as of late.
We're back on Heat, and it's time for our MAIN EVENT. Lance Cade's music hits, and WWE's answer to Roy Rogers makes his way down to the ring. Cade climbs into the ring and hits the corner but doesn't get much lovin' from the crowd. Goldust's music hits, and Dusty Rhode's baby boy makes his way down the ramp. I've said it before, but I think it bears repeating. I have been seriously impressed by Goldust's recent run on Heat. The other guys on Heat should be able to learn alot from a guy like Goldust. Both men seem like they're ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.
Goldust crouches down in the corner and stares at Cade to start. Both men circle each other, but Goldust muscles Cade to the corner. Goldust spits right in Cade's face, and Cade seems a bit peeved. Cade kicks Goldust in the gut and sends him down to the mat with a shoulder block. Goldust whips Cade to the ropes and drops him with a, um, butt block. Goldust continues the offense with a big back body drop and a clothesline over the top rope. Goldust follows Cade out of the ring, but Cade rams Goldust into the guard rail. Cade slides Goldust back into the ring before climbing back into the ring himself. Cade traps Goldust in the corner and stomps a mud hole in him. Cade brings Goldust to his feet and drops him with a back elbow shot. Cade covers Goldust but only gets a two count before Goldust kicks out.
Cade applies a read chin-lock to Goldust. Goldust fights back to his feet and breaks the hold. Goldust goes for a back-slide pin but only gets a two count before Cade kicks out. Both men hit the ropes and drop each other with a double clothesline. The referee begins his count on both men. Goldust and Cade both get to their feet at the eight count. Goldust connects with an inverted atomic drop to Cade. Goldust traps Cade in the corner and goes to work with the mounted punches. Trevor Murdoch makes his way down to the ring and climbs onto the ring apron. Goldust turns around and is distracted by Murdoch's presences. Cade sneaks up behind Goldust and rolls him up with a school-boy pin. Cade has Goldust covered and gets the three count. Murdoch tips his hat to Cade before heading back up the ramp. Could this be the return on Cade and Murdoch as a tag team? Only time will tell…
Match Result: Trevor Murdoch defeats Goldust with a school-boy pin. Match Length: 5:39 Best Spot: Cade slamming Goldust into the guard rail
Okay kids, that's it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I'll see you back here next weekend.
