The RAWtopsy 04.24.06

Monday Night Raw — 4.24.2006

Live from London, England.

Your hosts are Joey Styles, Jonathon Coachman and Jerry Lawler.

Edge and Lita kick off the show. How does she breath in that?! Edge recaps the past few weeks. Hell, I didn’t even need to show up. His victories give him a clear advantage, sayeth Edge. Triple H interrupts. The crowd chants “Triple H” (except for one guy who has a “Hungry, Hungry Hippo sign). Hunter says it’s obvious Edge can go; he just can’t go very long. For those that don’t know, that’s a sexual innuendo. He claims he was distracted last week, but at Backlash, he’s in it to win it. Edge ponders why Triple H is even in the match. Could it be because he’s “in” with Vince and gets down on his knees and…begs? For those who don’t know, that’s a sexual innuendo. Hunter counters by saying there’s only one person famous for going down on their knees…and Lita’s not even in the match. For those who don’t know, that’s a sexual innuendo. John Cena runs down and brawls with Triple H (big boos for that). The Spirit Squad interrupts and says that Mr. McMahon has made yet another handicap match — The SS vs. HHH, Edge & Cena. Is it just me, or did they actually pump up Cena’s heel heat?

Chris Masters, Matt Striker & Shelton Benjamin vs. Rob Van Dam, Carlito & Charlie Haas.
Striker has generic rock music for his entrance and a nice sweater. Gotta admire the versatility. Shelton starts out aggressively with Carlito, but the faces clear the ring early so we can take a break. We come back to RVD and Masters slugging it out. They botch…something. Looks like RVD was going for a sunset flip, and Masters decided to counter to a powerslam. Van Dam tries to tag out, but Carlito makes him tag Haas. Haas cleans house, but the fans are like, “Who are you again?” The match breaks down, and Carlito hits the Backcracker on Shelton. Masters sneaks in and grabs Carlito with the Masterlock. FINISHERMANIA~! Haas gets a German Suplex. Carlito gets his Reverse DDT thing. Shelton hits his T-Bone, but Van Dam drops him with a sidekick off the top and finishes with the Five Star Frogsplash. **3/4

In the back, Vince McMahon says that God is not here tonight, so Shane McMahon will take on Shawn Michaels in a one-on-one contest.

Elsewhere, Big Show comes up to Kane and asks him what the deal is with May 19. Kane tells him not to say that day again…or else. “Or else” is never good, is it? Of course, Big Show just has to be the baddest bitch in the bunch and say it, so Kane jumps him and pokes his eye out. OOH MY EYE! I CAN FEEL THE BLOOD GUSHING OUT OF MY EYE! MR. DREXEL, PLEASE GET ME A NAPKIN FOR MY EYE! (ha! Try id’ing that one, ya bastards). Big Show, you should have just respected his boundaries. Every friendship needs boundaries.

Coach hops in the ring to host the Diva Bikini Contest. Torrie, Victoria, Maria and Candice are your participants. Victoria unfairly gets dissed by the crowd. Maria, the rightful winner, gets screwed because Coach appoints himself judge and hands it to Candice. Candice’s prize is she gets to make out with…Coach. Viscera interrupts and hits the Samoan Drop (anal rape is excised). That cockblockin’ son of a bitch. Vis steals a kiss from Candice as payment.

Shane “The Product of Vince’s Omnipotent Semen” McMahon (w/Vince) vs. Shawn “Talent on Loan From God” Michaels.
They should seriously bring in Michael Buffer just to do that ring announcement. Vince distracts Shawn long enough for Shane to jump him from behind and throw him in the ring. Shane, a master of psychology, goes after the back with a series of forearms. He actually busts out a Torture Rack. Shawn avoids a semensault, though, and comes back with his usual. Vince breaks up Sweet Chin Music and drags Shawn to the floor. Shawn fights back and puts Vince on the announce table. This can’t be good. Shawn goes up, but Shane breaks up his move with a low blow. Vinnie and Shane set Shawn on the table, and Shane hits the SEMEN ELBOW DROP off the top to put Shawn through the table. That pretty much ends the match about 8 minutes in. Vince screams that God has forsaken Shawn and sings his own praises (almost literally). *1/2

Edge walks in on Cena (BOOOO!) and warns him not to let personal problems with Triple H and him get in the way tonight. Cena warns him back that if he double-crosses him, he’ll go down faster than Lita. For those that don’t know, that’s a sexual innuendo.

After a break, Edge & Lita spend some bonding time backstage. What are they plotting? What are they saying? What’s more – why can’t we get a mic back there?

Umaga (w/Armando Alejandro Estrada) vs. Steve Lewington
I’m not going to bother learning how to spell the guy’s last name. Check the obits, tomorrow. It’s Steve Sonic, at any rate. Hmm, that probably doesn’t help many of you. Umaga mauls him and sends him to the floor where he WHEELBARROWS HIM INTO THE STEPS! Back in, Umaga hits the tree-of-woe headbutt and a buttalanche. The Asiatic Spike finishes at 2:01. After the match, Ric Flair attacks and grabs the TESTICULAR CLAW! Estrada drags Umaga to the back. 1/2*

In the back, Lita approaches Hunter and thinks he’s probably upset. She tells him not to worry because Edge and Cena are cool. Hunter asks her for advice on taking on five guys at once. For those that don’t know, that’s a sexual innuendo.

Mickie James comes out, actually looking like Mickie James. Don’t worry, she’s still a fucking nutball. You know, if you’re into that kind of chick. Luckily, I am! She says she doesn’t have to be Trish Stratus, because she is *better* than Trish. Trish Stratus comes out dressed as Mickie. Trish starts mocking her, so Mickie takes a swing. Trish misses with the Chick Kick but hits a real one to knock Mickie out. Toning the Mickie psychobitch act down is a mistake, IMO. That was part of her charm. Here, she just seemed like — Victoria. Nothing against Vickie, but we already have one.

Triple H, Edge & John Cena (w/Lita) vs. The Spirit Squad.
The SS makes the mistake of introducing themselves to the babyfaces(?). Wow, it’s called decaf, Nicky. Look into it. The faces clean house on the squad as we go to our last commercial break. We come back to Edge getting caught in the wrong corner and the SS doing all their doubleteamery. Edge avoids a Poetry in Motion (of course) and chops Hunter in the chest to tag. Triple H gives him the stinkeye but drops a Harley Race knee. Cena blind tags himself in and gets booed out of the building, down the Thames, and onto a frigate that loses its way and winds up in Africa. When he gets back from Africa, Cena climbs the corner for mounted punches. One of the squad bounds off the trampoline and snaps Cena’s neck off the top rope. AIR HORN~! The Spirit Squad gets some face heat for beating on Cena. Hunter gets the hot tag and dismantles the squad. Spinebuster. Spinebuster. All five members of the Squad swarm him, though. Cena makes the save, but Edge is all, “Nah, I’m good.” Cena hits an FU as Hunter hits a Pedigree. Edge and Lita retreat to the aisle to watch as Cena and Hunter turn on each other. **1/2

Final Thoughts: Another trip to England. They got to pick up some scones and see Big Ben. Some good stuff from the undercard highlighted this show. The main event was just the same old triple threat booking (which is, admittedly, hard to book). Decent enough hard-sell show.

J.D. Dunn