The Final Fantasy Heat Report: 04.30.06

Posted by Jeff Small on 04.30.2006

A Double Stuffed Edition Featuring IRS, Joey Styles, and the Conclusion of a Feud

Wow, it feels like a long time since my last report. Last week, I was ultra busy with finishing up my coursework seeing as I am trying to graduate college. I unfortunately had no time to write up my Heat report, even though I transcribed it. So this week, lucky readers, we have a double stuffed edition.

So a couple weeks ago, in my Sunday Small-For-All News Report, I had a vote to determine which Heat writer had to leave their position. When the results were all in, I had a marginal victory over Slimmer. I was impressed with the amount of votes he had considering over the last few weeks, he basically denounced his Heat heritage. I felt all along that I was going to be the victor and thankfully I was. If I wrote a report last week, I would have demanded Slimmer's resignation and I probably would have thrown a party. Unfortunately, I needed the week off and in a way I am glad I did.

As Slimmer pointed out in his Heat report (which was posted yesterday), it seems as if my boss, Larry Csonka, had a problem with our feud. In his report, he wrote:

"The ‘Prince of Perversion' is apparently Goldust. That's what happens when you don't watch Internet Heat and ignore the Heat recappers while they do their pathetic feud. Did I say pathetic, I meant worse than a Byte This recap. Ok, pathetic."

Pathetic? Larry, I have all the respect for you, but you can't really call our beef pathetic. Over the course of the last few months, we have seen Slimmer sabotage my News Report, my "Small> Slimmer" sign plastered throughout a February Raw and Smackdown, among other things. I would not call any of that pathetic as Slimmer and I had to work out our issues. Regardless, it's all over and done with now.

Slimmer, while I really wish I could demand your resignation, I can't. You are right about one thing: you and I do not get any respect (well I have a little since I have a Sunday News Report). You and I have to recap Heat and hope that people might accidentally click on it. Slimmer, I hope people click on your report. I enjoy your report, I really do. You and I put a lot of hard work and time into these reports and I hope that the 411 staff and the 411 community will realize this.

With that out of the way, let's get this edition started...

April 30, 2006 HEAT

Your announcers this evening are Todd Grisham and Joey Styles!!!

Match 1: Eugene vs. Lance Cade

Match Background: The two fought each other a couple weeks back with Lance Cade picking up the win. Considering that neither man is high on the WWE food chain, it really does not matter who wins. I guess Cade has the more upside considering his character is just boring as opposed to Eugene's tiresome act.

Cade comes out to no reaction while I focus on Grisham's and Styles's commentary. With the Coach gone, Grisham has become our heel announcer for this evening. Grisham tells Joey he expects to hear some "terrible" commentary tonight. Eugene comes out to a mild pop and celebrates in the crowd. Yup, he's not winning this match.

Eugene taunts to start as the announcers start shooting with each other. Case in point:

Styles: That was an ab-lib Grisham. I can show some personality on Heat

Grisham: By the way, would you call some wrestling moves? I know they don't let you on Raw, you're too busy telling stories.

Yup, I wish for Styles here every week. Anyway, Cade slaps Eugene's handshake to start. Cade applies an armbar followed by a headlock. Eugene whips out of it and they do the usual criss-cross comedy spot. Eugene hides out under the ring. He comes back in to rollup Cade for 2. Cade charges at Eugene in the corner but misses a splash. Eugene nibbles on some butt-steak (says Joey). A Hacksaw clothesline meets the steel post. Styles is overacting so much during this match. I love it. Cade works over the arm with a couple of shoulderblocks and clubs Eugene down. He tries a turnbuckle smash but that only Tards Eugene up. Right hands and a windmill punch levels Cade. Eugene is too weak for an airplane spin so he opts for a Rock bottom. Instead of going for the pin, Eugene puts on Cade's hat. Eugene whips Cade into the corner but runs into a boot. A lariat finishes @ 5:45.

Winner: Lance Cade

McMahons vs. HBK and God promo.

This week in wrestling history: the Undertaker abducts Stephanie McMahon and tries to marry her if it wasn't for that Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Match 2: Snitsky and Goldust vs. Eric Swartz and Andrew Simmons

Match Background: Squash.

Styles calls Snitsky a foot freak as the two freaks make their way out. Goldust taunts Simmons to start. Simmons fights back with some poses of his own to mild boos. Goldust reverses an armbar and spanks him. Snitsky tags in and the freaks hit a nice double team Hart Attack for 2. Snitsky executes a nice delayed vertical suplex. He tries to remove Simmons's boot but fails at it. Swartz tags in only to be shoulderblocked, hiptossed, and scoop slammed. An elbow drop gets 2. Grisham calls Styles ugly as the two shoot on the fact that only pretty boys are behind the announce table. How catty.

Goldust tags in. Swartz fights back as Grisham calls Styles "Paris Hilton." Grisham even goes as far as to say that there's a sex tape on the internet titled "One Night in Joey Starring Snitsky." Goldust punches Swartz in the corner. Powerslam gets 2 ½. Snitsky tags in and clotheslines Swartz in the corner. It's FOOT FETISH time. Goldust breaks up the foot love. Snitsky then turns his attention to Simmons's foot. He distracts the ref long enough for Goldust to hit shattered dreams on Swartz. Snitsky and Goldust execute a nice double team Ocean Cyclone suplex (for you Puro fans) for the win @ 4:59. Snitsky tries to take off Goldust's boot to end the segment.

Winner: Goldust and Snitsky

The Raw Rewind this week is highlights of the Spirit Squad vs. John Cena, Edge, and Triple H match. The Rewind ends with a promo for the Triple Threat Match at Backlash.

Match 3: Kane vs. Trevor Murdoch

Match Background: Squash for Kane.

Murdoch gets a respectful silence from the crowd. Kane gets a large pop as I guess the British still consider him to be a face. In a weird bit, Grisham plugs Kane's WWE.com profile. Murdoch jumps Kane to start but is throat thrusted. Kane gets an ugly back body drop. Turnbuckle smash. Clubbering forearms. Scoop slam. An elbow drop attempt misses allowing Murdoch to hit a Blockbuster from the middle rope. Kane sits up almost immediately and big boots Murdoch. He chokes him down. Kane boots him down and chokes him some more. The match dies an ugly death as Kane continues to kick Murdoch. Thankfully, he stops and hits a corner clothesline. Sideslam. Top rope clothesline and the chokeslam end this massacre @ 3:25. Horrible match.

Winner: Kane

Backlash Pre-show Heat Match

Goldust vs. Rob Conway

Match Background: It's either this or a 10 minute recap on the McMahons vs. God feud.

Conway punches Goldust to start but is butt bumped. Conway kicks Goldust in the midsection and knocks him back down. He chokes Goldust in the middle ropes. Conway Irish Whips Goldust into the corner for 2. A short-arm clothesline and a chinlock follows. Goldust fights out and the two collide mid-air with crossbodies. Both are up at the count of 6 and Goldust is kicked in the mid-section. Swinging neckbreaker gets 2. Conway telegraphs a back body drop and is throat thrusted. An inverted atomic drop follows. Goldust gets a flying clothesline and 10 punches in the corner. Goldust telegraphs a back body drop and is kicked in the face. Conway is off the ropes but runs into a powerslam for 3.

Winner: Goldust

April 23, 2006 HEAT

IRS opens with his reasons why you should file your taxes on time. IRS would love me since I filed them in February. Trust me, the 411 is not high enough to support my expensive tastes.

Todd Grisham welcomes us to this special edition of Heat. He introduces us to a 10/31/1992 Money Incorporated match.

Match 1: Money Inc vs. The Natural Disasters for the World Tag Titles

The Nasty Boys make their way out before the match to have some words with Money Inc. Ted Dibase offers the Boys money which both Boys refused. The Boys would rather fight and a double clothesline levels Money Inc. The Nasties leave and here come the Natural Disasters.

We are clipped to a Typhoon scoop slam on the Million Dollar Man. Typhoon comes off the ropes but is tripped by IRS. IRS tags in and introduces Typhoon's head into the turnbuckle. The Million Dollar Man tags back in and he busts out the chops. Another turnbuckle smash and IRS tags back in. Snap mare and two elbow drops. That gets 1. IRS tries a vertical suplex (why?) which is reversed. Typhoon makes the hot tag to Earthquake. Million Dollar Man comes in only to be slugged down. IRS is atomic dropped and he bails. Powerslam by Earthquake to Dibase. Elbow drop.

The Headshrinkers make their appearance now. Typhoon and the ref goes after the Headshrinkers. Money Inc double teams Earthquake in the ring. Quake takes a nice bump over the top rope and into the guardrail. We are now clipped to a IRS sleeper on Quake. Million Dollar Man tags in and applies a sleeper. IRS tags in and reapplies the Sleeper. Earthquake escapes again but falls victim to the Million Dollar Dream. Money Inc is now the new World Tag Champions and a match for Survivor Series is set.

Winner: Money Inc

A second IRS video is shown where our favorite tax man gives a "Death and Taxes" promo.

Grisham is back to introduce us to one of the biggest upsets in WWE history. In his first match, the 1-2-3 Kid upset Razor Ramon (shockingly I remember this). Kid refuses a rematch until Ramon puts up $10,000 as a reward.

Match 2: 1-2-3 Kid vs. Razor Ramon

In a nice touch, Kid has no entrance. Nowadays he would have a music video by Saliva before his first match. Kid bails to start. He climbs the top rope and sunset flips Razor for 2. Spinning wheel kick gets 2. Razor fight back with a kick to the midsection and a Fallaway slam. Razor slaps him down. Clothesline and the Kid takes a 360 bump. Kid tries to fight out of a grapple but Razor reverses to a dangerous looking Chokeslam. Abdominal stretch.

Razor slaps Kid in the head and releases the hold. Powerslam follows. He places the Kid on the top rope and connects with a top rope back suplex. Razor calls for the Razor's Edge and dumps Kid outside. He removes the padding on the outside and sets Kid up for the finisher. Kid counters to a back body drop. Kid climbs to the top rope and comes off with some spinny thingy. He misses Razor completely as I am not sure that was on purpose or Razor was just out of position. In the ring, Razor takes over again but misses a corner splash. Kid comes off the top rope with a moonsault for 2. Kid bails and takes the money!!! Razor follows after the Kid as the ref throws the match out.

Winner: No Contest

More IRS goodness follows.

Grisham introduces us to the Big John Studd vs. Andre the Giant Wrestlemania 1 "$15,000 Body Slam Challenge"

Match 3: Big John Studd vs. Andre the Giant

I'll be honest there's really not much to transcribe here. After a brief beatdown to start, it's all Andre. Andre's offense includes a three minute bearhug and lots of forearms. After what seems like 20 years, Andre slams Studd to win the money.

Winner: Andre the Giant

Match 4: Money in the Bank from Wrestlemania 21

We are clipped to Shelton's T-bone on Edge from the top of the ladder. It's a spotfest form here as Christian and Chris Jericho fight over a ladder. Christian is dumped and what follows is Shelton's famous ladder run clothesline. Shelton climbs up but Christian uses the other ladder to knock him back down. Kane makes an appearance to big boot Christian. He chokeslams Shelton over the top rope in a scary spot. Tomko comes in to big boot Kane.

Tomko picks up Christian and piggy backs him up the ladder. Kane gets back up and clotheslines Tomko over the top rope. Kane pushes the ladder over and Christian falls to the floor. Jericho stops Kane from grabbing the briefcase by fighting with him on the ladder. The ladder tips over and they both fall to the ground (Jericho to the outside and Kane still in the ring). Benoit is back in and uses the ladder for a huge Diving Headbutt to Kane!!! Benoit busts himself open on the move.

Benoit climbs the ladder but Kane stops him. Benoit headbutts Kane off the ladder. Edge is back in with a chair. He unloads on Benoit's injured left arm. Edge climbs the ladder and wins the match!!!

Winner: Edge

Heat ends with another IRS promo.


Well kids, that was a really long edition (or two) of Heat. The next season of WWE Fantasy is coming right up so good luck in choosing your team. Until next week…