The RAWtopsy 05.01.06
Posted by J.D. Dunn on 05.01.2006
What would Joey Styles be like if he got a few drinks in him?
Is there no archaic, obscure reference I can make without someone recognizing it? Apparently not.
Re: last week.
"OOH MY EYE! I CAN FEEL THE BLOOD GUSHING OUT OF MY EYE! MR. DREXEL, PLEASE GET ME A NAPKIN FOR MY EYE!" (try id'ing that, ya bastards)
First, the runners up:
True Romance
Nope.
I hope you aren't referring to Allan Ray, the Villanova guard who nearly had his eye destroyed. Your comments may almost be funny, but if a great basketball player had lost his eye, it surely would not be.
I wouldn't make fun of something like that. Unless it happened to a Tarheel.
And now the winners:
Uh, forget the name of the track but that "ooh my eye"shit was from a 3rd Bass song. What did I win? Nothing, probably. Oh well. Keep up the good work!
And…
"today class were going to make bread, please don't play with the bread"
"Hey this bread is hard as a rock" (throws the bread) thump!!!!
Come on guy who wouldn't know that was from 3rd bases 3rd cd with such classic hits as " Pop goes the weasel, Ace in hole" , and green eggs and swine"
And…
You are gonna have to do a little better then a 3rd Bass - Derilicts of Dialect reference to fool me.
A - A is for the atrocious acts that you abominated and comitted. A is also for asinine, eight seven and six.
B B B - B is for your beligerent, bitchy bottomless state of affairs BAD BUOY!
C - C is for the cantancerous condition of your character. YOU HAVE NO CUT OUT
D - D is for the down right dastardly deeds that you do dummy (despite your degridacious dialect distributed by this [$12.95 for record, 10.95 for tape}
E - E is for the everlasting thorn in my flesh
F - F is for flesh istead of FUCK YOU
I could go on and on.
And…
The "OH MY EYE...MR. DREXEL" bit that you alluded to regarding the Kane/Big Show backstage slugfest is taken from the classic rap CD by 3rd Bass, "Derelicts Of Dialect", in the skit called "Eye Jammie"...in which Mr. Drexel, a home ec. teacher, is trying to teach kids how to make bread, but advises to not throw the bread at classmates...but one kid does...and knocks a kid right in the eye.
Just thought you'd want to know that there is SOMEONE who could I.D. that!
And…
I love your quotes........"Mr. Drexel, please get me a napkin for my eye"....3rd Bass gold, J.D., GOLD! Keep it up!
Thanks, and…
OOH MY EYE! I CAN FEEL THE BLOOD GUSHING OUT OF MY EYE! MR. DREXEL, PLEASE GET ME A NAPKIN FOR MY EYE!
Isn't this from a 3rd Base video, or am I completely off?
I guess I'm going to have to do a Dennis Miller mindmeld. Maybe I should hand out prizes like some bizarre Seth McFarlane ADD contest.
WWE Raw — 05.01.06
Live from Columbus, Ohio.
Your hosts are Joey Styles and Jerry Lawler.
Vince McMahon is so happy with last night's win, he's decided to take the night off and put the Spirit Squad in charge of Raw as co-General Managers.
Cheerleader Match: Maria & Torrie Wilson vs. Mickie James & Victoria
Everyone's dressed like a cheerleader because the Spirit Squad is in charge. Maria has new theme music that sounds somewhat similar to Mickie's. Speaking of the crazy-ass psychopath, we see her dumping Trish Stratus last night and injuring her shoulder. Maria and Torrie make up for their total lack of skills with enthusiasm — including a Stinkface from Torrie on Victoria and a Maria Broncobuster on Mickey. Mickie tries to suplex Maria in from the apron, but Trish Stratus shows up and trips her up. Maria lands on top for the upset win at 2:18. 1/2*
Six-Man Tag: The Spirit Squad vs. Eugene, Gene Snitsky & Golddust.
Eugene posts himself early and gets trapped in the wrong corner. In the back, we see Vince watching on as Candice Michelle comes in and sidles up to him. She seems to be over her chest cold. The SS are total douchebags, and I mean that in a good way. They isolate poor Eugene and smack him around for a bit. He comes back with the Rock Bottom and tags Snitsky. Gene cleans house and treats the SS like a bunch of fetuses. Eugene gets the tag back in, but Johnny counters the Stunner and hits the Johnny-go-Round (Rolling Front Kick) for the win at 4:22. *
Todd Grisham tells Eugene that the Spirit Squad wants him to ask what it feels like to be a loser. Eugene says it doesn't feel good, but his Uncle Eric Bischoff taught him not to quit. How sad is it that only the retard remembers that? Matt Striker runs in and attacks Eugene with a dictionary.
Funny "This Week in Wrestling" video clip. It shows, well…this actual week in wrestling. Vince & Shane defeat Shawn Michaels and God.
In the back, the SS approaches Shawn Michaels and gives him the night off. He just has to referee the Kane vs. Rob Conway match…while wearing a shirt that says "May 19." Good thing Kane can't read.
Kane vs. Rob Conway. Shawn Michaels is your special guest referee. Conway makes fun of Shawn, so Shawn lowblows him like Reggie Evans during the patdown and puts the May 19 shirt on Conway. Kane dismantles Conway as the crowd chants "May 19!" You sick bastards. What could May 19 be? Perhaps Kane hates the fact that "Smokey & the Bandit" premiered on May 19, 1977? Shawn offers a garbage can to Kane and ignores him when he uses it. Kane gives Conway a chokeslam and decides to leave before Shawn gets on the mic and chants May 19, bringing Kane back to finish Conway off with the Tombstone at 2:49. Maybe Kane's not a fan of the 105th Preakness, which was held on May 19, 1979. 3/4*
Umaga (w/Armando Alejandro Estrada) vs. Rory Fox.
Umaga hits Fox with the buttalanche and a superfly splash. The Oriental Spike, redubbed the Samoan Spike by Joseph Styles, finishes at 1:11. 1/4*
Since he was so successful at healing her last night, Candice asks Vince for help with her labiagitis. See, now I know they read the 411 Forums. Vince asks if it's "acute," and she says it is pretty cute. OHHHHH! You see, it's a bit of a homonym. "Acute" refers to a sudden onset of a disease. "Cute" refers to a level of innocent attractiveness. See, they juxtaposed the words for humorous effect. Go back and read it again. I-I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Triple H comes in and complains about his assignment to ref the title match tonight. Vince, still with the God complex, warns him not to get all uppity.
The Cutting Edge
Edge comes out and calls Joey Styles a third-rate ECW reject for not making his matches seem epic enough. Special guest Mick Foley comes out and calls the WrestleMania match the best hardcore match of his career and possibly in the history of wrestling. Foley's taken quite a few shots to the head, hasn't he? Mick shakes hands with Edge and Lita because he lives by the Code of Honor. Oh, wrong promotion. Foley shows clips of the last big spot at Mania, and it keeps rolling until we see Edge's dazed reaction. Foley says that was his defining moment because Edge realized his career had been shortened and it was all downhill from there. Foley wants a rematch, but Edge isn't down with that. He'll be happy to face him next week, though. So next week it will be barbed wire, razor wire & thumbtacks…and that's just Edge & Lita's bedroom. HI-YOOOOOOOO!
Chris Masters comes out and says if Carlito gets in his business again, he won't be spitting apples, he'll be spitting teeth. OHHHHHHHH SNAP! No, he di'unt. Masters calls out Rob Van Dam and challenges him to try and break the Masterlock. It's all just a ruse, though, because once Masters has it locked in, Shelton Benjamin runs down and attacks Van Dam. Carlito makes the save. I'm guessing tag match. Yep, Nicky comes out and makes the match moments later.
Rob Van Dam & Carlito vs. Chris Masters & Shelton Benjamin.
We're JIP after commercial to Benjamin and Masters isolating Van Dam. Vince is too busy making out with Candice to pay attention. Styles gets called away by the SS as Van Dam continues to take a pounding. Carlito gets the hot tag and hits Shelton with a springboard elbow. Shelton gives him a roundhouse kick to retaliate. Van Dam hits Benjamin with a springboard sidekick. Benji grabs a chair, but Charlie Haas pops up and takes it away from him. Shelton bounces off the ropes on the rebound and gets rolled up by Carlito around 4 minutes in. **
In the back, the SS thinks Joey Styles doesn't have enough spirit. They warn him to do a better job or else he'll have to wear a cheerleader outfit next week.
Before the next match, a dejected Joey Styles returns to his position. King makes fun of him and calls him a cheerleader. He thinks if Joey were still in ECW, he'd be cheerful. Joey says if he were in ECW, he wouldn't be working with a hack. Well, I mean come on, Joey — Joel Gertner? King keeps making fun of him, so Joey pushes him and slaps him. King piefaces him down, so Joey runs off down the ramp. EMO!
After the break, Lawler apologizes to the fans and to Styles. Styles comes back out and says he's going to take advantage of the live audience. He's pissed that he gets lectured on being a "wrestling" announcer not a "sports entertainment" announcer. He's sick of the boogers and semen. And that's just in Edge & Lita's bedroom. HIYOOOOO!!! He does okay until he turns on the fans, saying he's sick of them for buying into it. This was a great cathartic promo for anyone who's sick of what the WWE has been doing for the last…well, ever really. Only a cynic would point out that Styles is still under contract with the WWE and so this amounts to Vince poking fun at himself like George W. Bush at the Correspondents Dinner and not like Stephen Colbert at the Correspondents Dinner. Well, I guess I'm a cynic.
WWE Title: John Cena vs. Kenny. Triple H is your special guest referee. Todd Grisham replaces Styles. Cena fires away with punches as Hunter looks bored. Cena hits a delayed vertical suplex and goes for the FU, but Hunter hits him in the face. That's some high-quality reffing right there. Kenny covers, but Hunter is reprimanding the SS and doesn't even care when Kenny gets his attention. That's some high-quality reffing right there. Cena fights back and hits a flying shoulderblock, but the SS pull him to the floor. Hunter keeps giving slow counts, drawing the ire of Kenny. He puts his hands on him, so Hunter knocks him out with a punch and hits a Pedigree on one of the others. Big face pop for that. He walks out, so all five members of the SS attack Cena. Hunter thinks about coming back, but decides to keep walking. Who should come out and pass him but Shawn Michaels! Shawn and Hunter share a very Jake & Heath moment before Shawn runs down and replaces him as ref. Shawn and Cena clean house on the Squad, and Cena finishes with the FU at 8:06. All sorts of fun, but mostly for stuff that happened outside the actual match. **3/4
Final Thoughts: The first blowaway show in several months when it comes to angles/potential angles . The wrestling wasn't particularly good, but the seeds for the rebirth of ECW and DX were planted, and those have the potential to be the big stories of the year. Triple H is getting some massive face pops, and it's the one thing that could revive his career creatively.
