The TNA Impact Breakdown 05.05.06
Posted by J.D. Dunn on 05.05.2006
America's Most Wanted takes on the Spotty Owls. Mexico gets some much-needed catharsis after National Walkout Day. Kevin Nash makes up statistics. And Christian cuts the crusts off his PB&S. This is the Réport!
You know, we here at the Réport don't give nearly enough credit where it's due. Take, for example, the unsung "Heat" recappers. These American heroes have thrown themselves on the Snitsky/Viscera fire for far too long without getting thanks. For those of you who think you have it bad. Maybe you lost your home in Hurricane Katrina. Maybe your wife left you for the kid who works the night shift at 7-11. Maybe you even have an infectious disease that makes you bleed continuously from your anus. All that is left in the dust, because the folks that recap "Heat" have to sit through an entire show hosted by Todd Grisham.
Todd Grisham, people. The "Billy" to Michael Cole's "Alec." The "Tito" to Jonathon Coachman's "Michael."
These people deserve a medal, not our derision. Attacking these people while we are at war is simply un-American. In fact, it's racist. There, I said it.
So, Heat recappers, you get a "Tip of the Hat."
That's why I was surprised…well, okay, no I wasn't. I was completely unsurprised to see Liberal Larry Csonka spewing his vitriol at these Gods among men.
Is Larry so out of touch with reality that he doesn't realize that it's the Heat recappers whose recapping gives him the freedom to spout off from his ivory tower? After all, you know you'd have to fill in for them if they weren't there. And that would take time away from writing your News Report, PPV reports, Tremendous Tirades, 3 Rs, and Forgotten Favorites as well as your duties as a forum moderator. I mean, my God, could this guy be any more of an attention whore?
Speaking of which, be sure to check out the Smackdown Breakdown this week as well as my recap of Backlash. Oh, and in the video review section, you can read my review of the Andre the Giant DVD as well as catching up as I round out Ring of Honor's first year with the recently re-released "Final Battle 2002." Also, I'm working on a little column for the wrestling section after the wildly successful "Curse of the Crippler" last year. And, of course, there's always the award-winning Rawtopsy.
Where was I?
Oh, right. Larry's an attention whore.
And that's why he's taking out his aggressions on the Heat recappers.
After all, Larry, they're just doing the jobs Americans like you and I won't do.
So, Larry Csonka, you get today's "Wag of the Finger."
The TNA Impact Réport — 5.4.2006
From Orlando, Fla.
Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Don West.
In the back, AMW tell Gail Kim to get Jackie in line.
NWA Tag Team Titles: America's Most Wanted (w/Gail Kim & Jackie Gayda) vs. AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels.
AMW attack at the bell and isolate AJ. Daniels comes off the top with a double clothesline as we go to break. They really have to do something about that. You barely start your show and immediately you're taking a near 5 minute commercial break? No wonder they're losing the lead-in. Daniels hits a stomachcracker but gets caught in the wrong corner. AMW works him over like he's a bald Ricky Morton. AJ gets the hot tag and cleans house, including an Argentine Backbreaker into a spinning slam. Harris pulls the referee out, though. Gail tries a huracanrana, but AJ catches her in the Styles Clash. Storm sneaks back in and tags AJ with the superkick, allowing Gail to finish the move. Storm picks up the pin at 9:33. Half of the match took place off-camera (in theory). *1/2
World X Cup: Johnny Devine & Eric Young (Team Canada, w/Scott D'Amore) vs. Shocker & Magno (Team Mexico). Alex Shelley has his camera to scout both teams. The fans don't really care who wins, apparently. Devine and Young isolate Magno early, but the Mexicans clean house. They hit stereo dives to the floor. Devine gets whipped into Shelley, who's not paying attention on the apron. Magno rolls up Shelley in a small package for the win. Mexico pulls into a tie with the U.S. 3/4*
Larry Zbyszko announces a rematch between AMW and Styles & Daniels at "Sacrifice" with Gail Kim and Jackie being banned from ringside. Raven jumps the rail and chases Larry to the back.
Sting comes out to offer Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner a choice. The guy behind the curtain or hold off. Jarrett calls him Richard Dawson. Way to stay current, Jeff. A large portion of your audience wasn't even born when Ray Combs took over. And if this is attempting to cash in on "Deal or No Deal" why not reference Howie Mandell? Jarrett refuses, so Sting runs through this guy's credentials as if they were relevant since he's *not* going to be Sting's partner. Of course, it winds up being Rick Steiner. Now, see, Sting & Rick Steiner would have been really interesting to me because they were longtime partners in Mid-South. It's like it would have come full circle. I wouldn't pick him over Samoa Joe. That would be idiocy, but it would have been an interesting aspect.
Kevin Nash has a sitdown interview with Alex Shelley. Nash says he hasn't received a call, even while watching Sting and Steiner come in. He displays a chart of his run with the WWE that shows he's the highest-drawing champion in history. Tenay beats me to the joke about it being upside down. Nash calls the X-Division "filler" as we get a teaser for part two next week.
Christian Cage vs. Alex Shelley.
Shelley talks trash, but Cage is in no mood. He takes Shelley down and pummels him. Shelley tries to slip over him, but Christian stops short and clotheslines him. To the outside, Christian gives him a reverse DDT on the apron. He sets Alex in a chair and rips off the Rock's commentary during his own match as he boot's Alex in the head. He actually films it after taking the Shelley's camera from SoCal Val. (Btw, if you want to increase ratings, more SoCal Val!) We come back from break to Christian continuing the beating on Shelley. He counters a wheelbarrow to a facebuster for two. Shelley goes to the eyes and dropkicks Christian into the turnbuckle. Shelley locks in the Gannosuke Clutch, but Christian powers out. Christian comes back with a flying crossbody for two. He hits a Rydien Bomb for two. Shelley goes for the Shiranui, but Christian counters to the Unprettier at 11:13. It's odd seeing Christian being so dominant. It's just…unnatural. *1/2
Final Thoughts: This is sort of the "dead spot" show in the TV tapings, so I didn't expect much. Styles/Daniels is a pretty good stopgap measure for AMW. I'm torn on Shelley getting squashed. I think he could be doing a lot more, but I understand that you want your champ to be dominant too. It was a bit of an off week, with a screwjob, a match that no one cared about because everyone was "furreners" and a squash. Next week promises to be good, though.
