The Final Fantasy Heat Report: 05.07.06
Posted by Jeff Small on 05.07.2006
A Great Match and Poop Chants Highlight This Edition of Heat!!!
It's Sunday afternoon and it's time for the Final Fantasy Heat Report. In today's edition, Akio makes his return to battle another returning superstar, Charlie Haas. In addition, our weekly dose of squash is served as two jobbers try to take down the Big Show. Plus Heat cannot be complete without Viscera in the main event.
But before I start, I just want to give a couple quick shout-outs to the members of the 411 Staff who have taken mine and Slimmer's side in our disagreement with Larry: most notably, Stephen Randle who continues to plug Heat every week in his Monday news report and JD Dunn, whose TNA Impact Breakdown has a nice heaping of Small and Slimmer. I'm just surprised Bayani had nothing to say…
Anyway, we are two weeks away from the return of WWE Fantasy. Expect a special edition of the Final Fantasy Heat Report in the near future to help you with your picks. Inside will also be all the details of a special private 411 league!!!
With that out of the way, let's get going…
Taped from Raw, it's Online Heat.
Your announcer this evening is Todd Grisham (yikes!!!).
Match 1: Charlie Haas vs. Akio
Match Background: As mentioned in my opening paragraph, this marks Akio's return to the WWE. While the match was only a tryout, he must have impressed as he signed a new deal with the company yesterday. I have high hopes for this matchup.
Akio makes his way out first to his old music, outfit, and lack of heat. Really, I hope Akio is moved over to Smackdown as he just does not fit in well with the Raw crowd. Haas makes his way out to a nice pop from the Heat crowd. I would have felt sorry for Haas if this was his only duty of the night, but it's nice to know that he made an impact on Raw.
Akio misses a kick to start and the two men lockup. Haas schoolboys Akio for 1. Akio pushes Haas into the corner which leads to Haas returning the favor (only he throws Akio all the way to the other side of the ring). Haas takesdown Akio twice before introducing Akio's arm to the top turnbuckle. Arm drag and an armbar follow. Akio kicks out of the submission hold and hits a couple of knife-edged chops and a nice spinning heel kick in the corner. The crowd takes note of this by "booing" Akio.
Haas catches Akio's leapfrog and slams him down. Scoop slam. Haas kicks the shit out of Akio's back for 2. Haas reapplies an armbar. Akio breaks out of the hold by pushing Haas into the corner. A nice spinning wheel kick levels Haas in the corner. Akio comes off the top rope with a missle dropkick. Headlock. Haas elbows out of the hold but hit with a shining wizard (called correctly by Grisham)!!!
Instead of attempting a pinfall, Akio opts to choke Haas out in the middle rope. Haas elbows back but is placed in a sleeper hold. The crowd chants Haas on as he breaks the hold with a back suplex. Haas blocks Akio's right hands and fires off some of his own. Akio is whipped into a back elbow before being hit with 2 clotheslines and a back body drop. Akio hides in the corner as Haas runs at him. Akio connects with a boot but misses another spinning kick. Haas comes off the ropes and beheads Akio with a big boot. A reverse DDT ends the match @ 5:31. Best match on Heat this year, so far.
Winner: Charlie Haas
Loser: Akio
Remember to order Backlash all week long on PPV!!!
Match 2: Matt Striker vs. Bryan Jennings
Match Background: Squash for our favorite Dean Douglas wannabe.
Striker now has a classroom bell to open his entrance music. Striker takes the microphone in the ring and tells the fans not to disrespect him because he's our teacher. And he does not love poop.
"Poop" chants to start. Striker takes down Jennings and bitchslaps him. A rolling headlock gets 2. Striker yells at Jennings how he does not love poop. Sounds like someone's a little defensive. Jennings applies a quick armbar and Striker grabs the ropes. Striker cheapshots Jennings while he breaks the hold. A single arm DDT follows. Elbow drop and Striker begins to kick the arm. He pounds on Jennings in the corner before rolling out of the corner with a Fujiwara armbar. He takes Jennings down by his hair. A Striker scoop slam is escaped and Jennings gets a hip toss. Scoop slam and a schoolboy gets 2 for Jennings. Striker crawls to the corner before cheapshotting Jennings. Forearms and the FACE WASH follow. The Golden Rule ends the match @ 3:45. Awesome squash for Striker.
Winner: Matt Striker
Loser: Bryan Jennings
WWE Wreckless Intent CD plug follows.
Match 3: Big Show vs. John Moxley and Dick Rick
Match Background: Outside of the awesome name of Dick Rick, this is nothing more than a squash for the Big Show.
Both jobbers try to take down the Big Show but of course, that does not happen. He boots #2 before throwing #1 onto #2. In the corner, he silent chops both. Whip, butt bump. Show clotheslines both of them. Show steps on #1's back. He gorilla presses #2 onto #1. Show laughs it up. He stomps #1 and chops #2. He tries to chokeslam both of them but the jobbers eye rake out of it. Show kicks one of them down and then chokeslams each (separately) for the win @ 2:51.
Raw Magazine Sees No Evil this month.
The Raw Rewind highlights the John Cena vs. Kenny match featuring Triple H's face turn and an eventual reunion with HBK.
Match 4: Viscera vs. Lance Cade
Match Background: The two men have been tussling over the last couple of months with both men picking up wins. Over the last few weeks, it looked as if Cade and Trevor Murdoch were teaming back up again. However, there was no mention of their teaming over the last two weeks. Who knows what the future will hold for Lance Cade? Will he even pick up a win here? Let's find out.
First off, Lance Cade has now dyed his hair!!! He looks just like Justin Hawk Bradshaw. In addition to his hair change, Cade now hates women as he throws his jacket at Lillian Garcia. This prompts the entrance of the World's Largest Love Machine. On the way to the ring, Grisham plugs Vis's win at Wrestlemania 22.
Cade jumps Vis to start with right hands. He tries to whip Vis but runs into a scoop slam. Belly to belly suplex follows. Vis chops Cade in the corner and whips him into another corner. A samoan drop is blocked by Cade as he grabs the top rope. Cade slides off of Vis's back and neck snaps him into the top rope. A clothesline staggers Vis. Cade runs off the ropes with a forearm to Vis's back. A top rope clothesline knocks down the big man for 2. Cade clubs away and applies a chinlock. Vis breaks the hold without the help of the crowd. Cade runs off the ropes and into a punch. Vis legdrops him. Two clotheslines and a boss man slam follow. Visagra is set up but Cade rolls out of it. Vis splashes Cade in the corner and clotheslines him over the top rope. Vis follows Cade outside but is thwacked in the head with a chair for a DQ @ 3:54.
Winner: Viscera (by DQ)
Loser: Lance Cade
Probably the best edition of Heat in a long time (not counting any of the specials). The main event was inoffensive and even both squashes were enjoyable. Plus, we have our first Heat Match of the Year contender. Not too shabby when you think about it. That's all for today.
