The RAWtopsy — 07.10.06
Posted by J.D. Dunn on 07.11.2006
It ain't easy bein' green.
WWE Raw — 07.10.06
Live from Sioux City, Iowa.
Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.
John Cena vs. Shelton Benjamin. Edge and Lita set up their own commentary table at ringside, so if you want to hear what the show sounds like in Whore, just push the SAP button on your remote control. Cena goes for the FU early, but Shelton slips out of it and slaps him in the face. Shelly boots him in the face to take early control. He counters a suplex to a falling neckbreaker and avoids a flying crossbody, but Cena powers out of a sleeper goes up. Unfortunately, he gets distracted by Edge, and Shelton is able to springboard into an enzuigiri. When we come back from break, Cena powers out of another sleeper and wins a slugfest. YOU CAN'T SEE ME! FIVE-KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! Shelton lands on his feet off the FU, though, and gets two off a Samoan Drop. Cena slips out of his own FU, avoids a Stinger Splash, and finishes with the FU into the STFU at 11:01. After the match, Cena dives over the Rated-R announce table to get at Edge, but Lita interferes long enough for Edge to jump the Doctor of Thuganomics. Edge gives Cena an Impaler and a spear then promises a private sex celebration back at the hotel. **1/2
Recap of the hilarious antics of those wacky trickster D-Generation X, proving that the WWE writers watched National Lampoon's Going the Distance.
Eugene thinks DX is pretty funny, pissing off Vince and Shane McMahon. That sets up the inevitable handicap match. Say, how long has it been since there was a handicap match on Raw? You have to admire the guts and creativity of the writing staff to book something so outside the box like that.
Melina (w/Johnny Nitro) vs. Trish Stratus.
Melina, who has set a new standard of cool in the area of ring attire, ducks out early and hides under the ring. That allows Nitro to distract Trish while Melina slips out the other side and attacks her from behind. Seriously, those tights are cooler than Gnarls Barkley humming "Green Onions" for the Rat Pack on the dark side of the planet Neptune…which, of course, is pretty cool. Melina actually goes for some psychology (kinda) by working the back. Trish comes back and goes for Stratusfaction, but Melina shoves her into Nitro and rolls her up from behind at 3:57. After the match, Nitro and Melina try to smack Trish around a little more, but Carlito makes the save. 3/4*
Edge and Lita try to check into their hotel, but the room isn't ready yet, so they decide to get drunk in the bar.
The Highlanders vs. Rob Conway & Matt Striker.
Bad sign for new wrestlers: your opponents are jobbers and actually have a storyline and you don't. Striker walked out on Conway last week, but they've apparently made up. Striker does a quick little wrestling set before tagging Conway and chiding him to wrestle. The Highlanders hit a battering ram, thus confirming their status as Bushwhackers 2K6. The Scot Drop finishes at 2:39. Striker seems to be having fun with the character, so this was a fun squash. I doubt Conway will fare any better as a babyface, though. 3/4*
Ric Flair comes out to set the record straight about Mick Foley. Foley interrupts on the Titantron and talks about backstage stuff from 1994. Then, in a puzzling move, they ignore that feud, and Paul Heyman interrupts. Heyman brings out The Big Show to challenge Flair to come to ECW and wrestle for the title. Yes, the most important thing is that you don't actually use any ECW wrestlers to wrestle for that ECW title. Flair accepts and then gets punked out because apparently he just started in wrestling and didn't see that coming. Clearly, this was a message to the fans from Vince and that message is "I just don't get it."
Eugene tries to apologize for laughing at the McMahons, but they dump a bucket of green paint on him and kick him out the door.
During the commercial, Candice Michelle accepts an invitation to come dance with Kelly Kelly tomorrow. Great, maybe she can teach Kelly how to strip and Kelly can teach her how to fake an orgasm.
Viscera vs. Charlie Haas
Both guys are in love with Lillian Garcia, but she's just really confused. Charlie chops away at the big guy with move after move, finally knocking him down with a missile dropkick. Vis kicks out and hits a Bossman Slam. Haas avoids a splash, and Lillian is so disturbed by the carnage that she stops the match and tells them not to bother because she's not going to bang any of them. She just wants to be friends. Haas rakes Vis' eyes, blinding him, and Vis "accidentally" gives Lillian a Samoan Drop. Haas and Vis look worried about until Charlie's like, "Hey, bros before hoes," and Vis counters, "Yes, but ho-hos before bros and hoes." 1/2*
Edge and Lita sips some mimosas. There doesn't seem to be any reason for these Edge & Lita segments other than to show that they are, in fact, in a hotel bar. You know, Edge said they were going to the hotel, it's probably okay if you just show them when they get to their room. I'm sure there might be someone saying to themselves, "Gee, I wonder what he's going to order from room service. Fuck, of all nights for my TiVo to break down."
Next up: Meet the Divas. Mike "The Miztake" Mizanin is your…hang on…**checks cheat sheet on wrist**…host this year. You can vote for these…hang on…**checks cheat sheet on wrist**…ladies by texting their name to…hang on…**checks cheat sheet on wrist**…86946. Not a great batch of finalists this year. Five of them look exactly the same. And did JT just call herself a milf?
Hacksaw Jim Duggan confronts Shane about being mean to Eugene, so Vince punks out Duggan from behind. Shane and Vince do a nice little bit of harmonizing as they mock his "hooooo!"
Randy Orton vs. Val Venis.
This was both funny and sad. Randy Orton gets on the stick to ramble on about meeting Hulk Hogan and, more importantly, Brooke Hogan. Val Venis' music interrupts, and Val comes out to do his little striptease for the ladies. Orton jumps him and finishes with the RKO at 0:18 and then finishes his thought. Ross thinks Orton might have an ulterior motive. I completely missed that. Perhaps Orton leering and stroking his chin like he was thinking of tying her to the train tracks was just too subtle. Btw, if Russo were booking, Brooke would turn on Hogan and start banging Orton. Then, Nick Hogan would challenge Randy to a match, but Hulk would interfere, costing Nick the match because he just wants to see his little girl happy. But then, they'd all turn face and doublecross Randy because it was all part of Hogan's plan, and he was just using Brooke as bait to get Randy in a match. It doesn't matter why! It's Russo. But then, it would turn out that Randy Orton impregnated Brooke during this ruse and now he wants custody of the child. Brooke objects, so Vince books a Hogan vs. Orton ladder match with the birth certificate high above the ring. Orton wins and gets the baby, but that's not why Hogan is crying. You see, back when Hogan was battling Roddy Piper and Bob Orton Jr., he had an affair with Bob's wife and it turns out that Randy is really his son, and therefore, Brooke's half-brother! 1/4*
When we last left our heroes Edge and Lita, they had *just* gotten their keys. Now, in part three of our harrowing journey, they get room service. Oh, but there's no champagne! Duhnt, duhnt, duuuuuuuhn! Will our heroes receive their champagne? Tune in for the thrilling conclusion!
Thankfully, you don't have to wait long. John Cena busts into Edge & Lita's hotel room and attacks Edge. Okay, first of all, what horrible security. Second, I really need some closure on that champagne storyline. Just another WWE angle abandoned, I guess.
Handicap Match, No DQ: Vince McMahon & Shane McMahon vs. Eugene. The Spirit Squad comes down to participate as well, making it a 7-on-1. Eugene, of course, takes a beating, and Shane is about to do his elbow off the top through the table, but DX interrupts. Vince tries to get them to stand in just the right…no move a little…just the right spot for a net to fall on them, but since DX are the only two guys in wrestling with a brain, they don't fall for it. The Spirit Squad is apparently held at bay by a forcefield of school apathy, which of course is spirit's natural enemy. So when Eugene rolls up Vince McMahon for the win and DX starts crotchchopping their way down the ramp, the heels are powerless to do anything about it.
Final Thoughts: Better show this week because it wasn't so self-indulgent, but I still find the DX/McMahon feud to be a tedious rehash of what they were doing 8 years ago, especially since Vince McMahon can't get over even a little bit to make it interesting. The rest of the segments are hit (Edge/Cena, Carlito/Nitro/Trish/Melina) or miss (The Highlanders, Eugene, Vis & Haas) or to be determined (Orton/Hogan).
