411’s WWE Smackdown Report 08.04.06

From: Continental Airlines Arena, East Rutherford, New Jersey
Your Hosts: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield

Yeehaw! Let’s rock, bitches! It will be an explosive night in the Jersey shore! Cole runs down this week’s two big matches. Rare appearance for the Undertaker, challenging King B. tonight.

Finlay vs. William Regal – United States Championship
Our first rematch! JBL calls Teddy Long “peanut head George Jefferson” as he has come between two friends, the Irish and English. Clearly, JBL’s moving on up. Stall to start as they lock up, as Regal takes advantage with a series of knees to the face and a left hand. European uppercut rings Finlay’s bell but Finlay comes back with a big forearm against the ropes. Both look extremely aggressive tonight. Regal with a butterfly suplex and Finlay kicks out at two, twice. Regal slaps Finlay and he gets fired up, chasing Regal from the ring, and the Little Bastard from nowhere takes Regal out. Crowd pops for the cute Lil B. I love him too, JBL. Regal driven kidney-first into the apron and tossed back into the ring by Finlay. Regal comes back with another knee to the temple and a face rake. Smash mouth style baby. Finlay elbows out and an uppercut, but Regal counters with an Irish whip and a forearm. Regal goes outside and gets the shillelagh, and hits Finlay in the gut for the DQ. Suddenly, Bobby Lashley is in the ring! His liver looks fine. Regal and Finlay tease a union and potential doubleteam, but Finlay hits him from the behind and bails. Lashley hits the running powerslam on Regal. Lashley has put Finlay on notice but hasn’t he already been proven to look superior to the big man?

Winner: William Regal by DQ 5:06

Tease by Cole..Why did Chavo betray Rey Rey? Find out tonight.

Elijah Burke vs. Scott Wright
Both Sylvester Terkay and Burke look as if borrowed their ring jackets from the 1985 Houston Astros. Terkay accompanies Burke instead of wrestling Wright and that’s just wrong. Why the hell did Burke present Terkay intially if he is the one wrestling? Burke backs Wright into the corner and clubs him down. Series of kicks and Burke knocks Wright down again with a shouldertackle and gets two. Burke mounts Wright and hits clubbing blows. Crowd is kinda dead. Burke hits The Stroke, which JBL calls the Elijah Experience, and Wright submits to an armbar. Post-match, Terkay belly to back suplex and puts a hammerlock on Wright.

Winner: Elijah Burke 2:20

The Miztake appears to begin a series of Diva Search Contestant promos. Jen is up first, obvviously speaking in Shakespearean intellect, saying she is often imitated when Miztake hits her with a pie to the face. Jen says she loves pie. I love pie too but her pie looks skanky.

JBL-Cole tease Taker-King B..tonight

Back from break with contestant Milena, who says she is edgy and gets hit with a pie too. I sense a fruity pattern with the pies here.

Kristal Marshall vs. Ashley Massaro
Both Kristal and Ashley come out alone. Ashley sports a T-shirt that says “role model.” for slutty and premiscuous teens everywhere, presumably. Ashley knocks Kristal down and chokes her with her own suspenders. But Kristal comes back with an enziguri and steps on Ashley’s hair. I love a good hair pull. Ashley jumps Kristal with rights and lefts and takes her head to the top turnbuckle. No one cares. Kristal takes Ashley down and uses the tights for the pin. She stole one. Clearly not the crowd’s hearts though.

Winner: Kristal Marshall 2:00

Layla is up next saying she is strong, independent and will give you damage..and you guessed it, more pie to the kisser. I forget what she says next because she rubs her body in the gooey goodness. Betcha there’s come crust on her pie..

Teases for KK-ANIMAL and Taker-King B again…

Back from break and the Raw Rebound recaps HBK-Umaga from Monday night. Trips-Umaga upcoming this week…

Tatanka vs. Sylvan
Rematch number two. Crowd pops again for the yippee-yap. We get a video package of Tatanka undergoing warriorship into the Lakota Indian nation. Did you know his name means buffalo? Maybe his last name means wings? Anyway, Tatanka takes it to Sylvan early and drops two legdrops across the jaw. Tatanka drives Sylvan’s kidneys into the ring apron outside. Line of the night: Cole asks JBL if he would take his wife to Quebec on vacation this year and JBL says he would rather go to hell. Nice. Sylvan clotheslines the buffalo outside the ring, tosses him back in and delivers right hands. The same spots seem to be showing up in each match. Sylvan arrogantly slaps and forearms to the forehead. Tatanka kicks out at two and Sylvan with a reverse chinlock. The buffalo comes back with a clothesline, back body drop and into the war dance. Two big chops and the Trails End! Up to the top rope..buffalo’s fly with a tomahawk chop that gets two. Tatanka plants Sylvan with the Wykea side slam. 1-2-3 and the Frenchman is fried.

Winner: Tatanka 4:25

KK coming to the ring..can he go 3-0 against The ANIMAL? Find out next!

KK vs. The ANIMAL
Last rematch of the night. KK is all bandaged up from the previous two weeks. Crowd pops for KK’s mic shtick but bigger when The ANIMAL is let loose. ANIMAL backs KK to the corner and KK skips away after delivering a cheap shot. KK with a gut shot and a side headlock, a hammerlock and blows to the ANIMAL’s barn door back. ANIMAL fires back with a forearm, shoulder to the gut and sends KK across the ring. KK bails like a girl. They brawl on the outside and KK bites, even more girlish. ANIMAL takes KK’s shoulder into the steel ringpost and tosses him back to the ring. ANIMAL works the shoulder, wrapping it around the bottom rope. KK dropkicks ANIMAL’s knee and down he hits the ground like a safe. KK focuses his attack on the ANIMAL’s hind leg. KK with a near-fall. Kick to ANIMAL’s face and another near fall. Crowd starts to get behind the ANIMAL and he blocks a KK suplex, but KK counters into a two count. ANIMAL off the ropes with a powerful clothesline but he can’t capitalize. ANIMAL with right hands and a clothesline into the corner and another, then a back body drop. ANIMAL no sells KK’s kicks. Then a spinebuster and a BATISTA BOMB!!!! It’s over.

Winner: The ANIMAL 7:41

Post-match, Cole talks to The ANIMAL. Save the congrats until The ANIMAL wins back the world heavyweight championship, he growls.

Third tease..Taker- King B. damn, my wife doesn’t tease me this much.

It’s Erica and her melons pushed up, which gathers the most attention since she is stammering like an idiot. I never looked up to her face but I heard mumbling. Another pie. She is willing to get pies in the face to win. Is Mae Young available for a bronco buster..anyone?

Vito vs. The Brooklyn Brawler
We see Vito at his old gym, shadowboxing in a dress. Don’t laugh..that’s how Rocky trains for his comeback against Mason Dixon in Rocky 6. You’ll see in December. We get the Brooklyn Brawler for the second time on WWE TV in a week. This match will be as big as the Yankees-Mets 2000 Subway Series. Or not. Brawler takes Vito to the corner and Vito overpowers him with a clothesline and a chinlock. Brawler hits an uppercut and rakes Vito’s face across the top rope. But Vito hits another big clothesline and reverse implant DDT. It’s the under the dress submission, keylock armbar. Think Clemens-Piazza, circa 2006, but without the bat.

Winner: Vito 2:44

It’s JT’s turn and she forgets to talk until she gets the pie to the face. The worst of the bunch. Call her the scarecrow and make sure she asks the Wizard for a brain. Another elimation Monday.

Montel Vontavious Porter stops in to see Teddy Long and wants to get signed onto Smackdown because he will soon be the MVP of the new talent coming in. Long had no problem with that until he heard the asking price from Porter’s agent. Negotiations to follow. Who is this guy??

Tonight, Chavo is on the record, with GAB World Title Match highlights shown.

Taker-King B tease four..is this a record?

KC James and Idol Stevens vs. Funaki and Scotty 2 Hotty
Michelle McCool introduces her new teacher’s pets. James is a fat Bobby Eaton, complete with his tights. Idol jumps Scotty and whips him to the ropes, James with a kick to his back and a leap off the second rope gets two. Crowd is dead. Scotty battles back with a right hand until McCool trips him. Stevens with a bodyslam onto James knee. The tag team champs Paul London and Brian Kendrick were shown watching backstage. They’re worried? Please. More double teaming follows. Idol hits an elbowdrop and gets two. Another chinlock until clubbing blows into Scotty’s neck. Scotty finally tags Funaki who hits a crossbody on Stevens and takes out James. Funaki hits a bulldog but James spoils it. While Referee Charles Robinson is getting Scotty out, James hits a dropkick off the top and Stevens covers. Crowd boos.

Winners: KC James and Aaron Stevens 5:16

Sharmell is shown backstage boosting her King B as he contemplates his match with Taker. Sharmell boosts his confidence..Remember Taker is not King of the World. Tonight, after their match, Taker will be saying “All Hail King Booker.”

Chavo..On The Record..next and tease five of you know what…

On The Record – Chavo G.
Crowd boos Chavo’s intro and again as he surveys from the middle of the ring. Chavo defines betrayal and says Rey Rey stole his blood and the blood of the entire Guerrero family. Calls Rey Rey a thief and says we all were devastated when Eddie Guerrero passed away. Rey Rey used Eddie’s name in every other match, dedicated them to Eddie’s memory..the Royal Rumble, No Way Out, WrestleMania, every five minutes. When Rey Rey won the title, it got worse, Chavo explains. He says Rey Rey couldn’t stand on his own, and used him in victories over JBL and Mark Henry. And Rey Rey took all the glory. At the GAB, Chavo could take no more and realized that Rey Rey stole Eddie’s memory from each and every one of the people here. Chavo calls Rey Rey a leech, living off the blood of the Guerrero name and that brings him out. They roll on the canvas brawling and outside the ring. Rey Rey tosses Chavo into the steel steps. And out comes Vickie Guerrero to stand between them and stop the fighting. When will Domenick get involved? Crowd chants “Eddie.” Totally freaking tasteless and again, another angle that bastardizes Eddie’s legacy even more, if possible. This sucks.

Highlights from The ANIMAL-KK as we get back from break…

Undertaker vs. King B – Non-Title
King B takes forever to get to the ring. You can do that when you are royalty I guess. The familiar “bong” brings the crowd up a bit. JBL compares this match to the 60’s Celtics to the ‘90’s Bulls and promises a barnburner. King B bails instantly, but back in with a right hand Taker no sells. King B with a thumb to the eye and a headlock. Taker overpowers him and hits a shouldertackle and a clothesline over the top. Match resumes from commercial and King B is hammering Taker outside the ring. King B rams Taker’s head to the ring apron. King B with a kick to the gut and pounds forearms on Taker’s back in the corner. Taker tosses King B in and hits right hands. Taker with one arm, lifts King B over his head. Crowd chants Taker’s name. Another right to King B’s head. Taker goes for the old school but is distracted by Queen Sharmell and King B with an armdrag. Taker comes right back, works the left shoulder, is able to hit his old school, and follows up with a Flatliner for a two and a half count. Taker misses a flying leg into the buckle and gets hung up on the top rope. King B raps Taker’s left leg around the steel ringpost and kicks him in the skull on the outside. They’re back in and King B hits a sidekick to the jaw but only two. King B hits another high kick and another cover for two. King B drops a boot low and signals for the scissors kick, but misses! It’s Taker with a big right, and another, and another, knocking King B down. Taker with two big clotheslines to King B in the corner, and snake eyes. Then a big boot for a near fall at two. Taker hits a choke slam and tosses King B but immediately the crowd begins to boo..as The Great Khali lumbers to the ring and chops Taker for the DQ win. But Taker sits up and recovers, hitting rights and lefts and clotheslines Khali from the ring. Taker gets in the mic and challenges Khali to a Last Man Standing Match at SummerSlam as show ends.

Winner: Undertaker by DQ 13:07 approximate

I liked the main event but then again, I like Taker. All the diva search stuff and the Rey Rey-Chavo sucked ass, and with all the new talent on the show, and the muddled rematches, I didn’t know what the show was supposed to be, much less where it goes next week.