VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review: WWE Diva Search Finale 08.16.06
Posted by Peter Kent on 08.17.2006
Nearly naked women! MSG pre-empted?+ A closer look at Hogan's Raw comedy of errors!
VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review
Usually I review MSG Classics on Wednesdays, but the show has again been pre-empted by the game we Americans call "soccer". The game was a tie – New York: 0 Washington DC: 0. And that's why the USA couldn't give a crap about soccer.
But luckily, there's a different WWE show on TV tonight. The LIVE Diva special. Hey, someone's got to cover it (well actually, 411's OWN Larry Csonka recapped it right here!). But first, I want to take an opportunity to talk about two things I missed when writing about this week's Raw.
First, there was a segment where JR and King were talking about nonsense at ringside. Behind them, a fan held up a sign that said: "Bring back the Honky Tonk Man". A WWE employee quickly CRAWLED OVER and yanked the sign away! Apparently, we fans can't handle a reference to a guy not under contract! Take it away, WWE! My world is spinning out of control. Vince likes to honk off about "free speech" – but he only says that after something happens that he can't control. Vince is the King of Bullshit.
Second.. the Hogan segment from Raw. I watched it again. Hogan CLEAR AS DAY tells the fake Hogan what to do in the ring. Before the "YEWWW" finger point, he tells the guy "Back up, start backing up". Then when he does the wag of the finger, he says as clear as any spot I've ever heard caught on camera: "Keep backing up". Then they go into the rope-running botch and the almost completely-whiffed big boot. I mean, wow.. it's right there on TV. Pretty hilarious.
So in place of MSG Classics, there was plenty on TV to fill my time. Fox Sports was playing an old Mike Tyson fight, which was fun in small doses. There was also a TV show on called "The Man Whose Arms Exploded". That's a winner right there. And UFC Unleashed was on. Tellya what… Tito Ortiz vs. Forest Griffin was a hell of a fight. I think Forrest got screwed in that one.
WWE Diva Search Finale
We are LIVE(?) at Times Square in New York City. The venue: The Hard Rock Café, former home of WWE's "The World" restaurant, which reportedly somehow lost like $30 million in one year. How the hell does that happen?!
GRISH is our host. There's a stage and runway set-up, with fans standing around it as if they're at a concert. Our co-host is Ashley, who's wearing some really absurd balloon-y black dress. It looks a bit like an overloaded and sagging diaper, actually. Our contestants arrive in limos, one by one. As they walk in, GRISH runs down their notable traits.
First is Jen, who looks a little classy. She is a Guess model and supposedly is trained in kickboxing. She was also in the film Dodgeball.
Layla is next, in a pink dress which splits at her ass, hahaha. She knows exactly what to exploit. She was a dancer for the Miami Heat. She was in videos with P Diddy and Kanye West… hopefully she didn't get passed around like some of those other poor video "vixens". Layla actually kisses a little boy as she makes her way to the stage.
Last is JT, who wears tight pants and a bikini top. That tattoo on her back needs to be ret-conned as fast as humanly possible. GRISH says her dream is to open a restaurant, but then quickly says that actually, being a WWE Diva is her #1 dream. I mean.. would you rather have shit in your gym bag or fine cuisine at your table? Not even a question!
When Ashley talks, she sounds a bit like Jenny McCarthy. She comes off as very competent as a hostess, here. In fact, she's really good. Really natural, too.
We get to know our prospective Vixens/Divas/Physicaliters a little better with video interviews and clips from Smackdown. Then Ashley interviews them real quick. Jen once had sex in a closet. She says she has "attitude". She apparently poured beer on her and asked a Smackdown crowd if they wanted a "Jen-weiser" heh heh. 1,000 8 year old boys then turned and asked their moms "Why does she want us to lick it off her tummy?". Jen, live, says if she wins tonight that she wants to take all the fans out for beers. She also says she'll donate some of this money to charity. They're making it sound like the women win the $250,000 outright. But it's a contract, right?
Layla video. Crowd LOVES Layla. She is never boring on camera, not one second. She is so perfect for this. She says she loves her myspace buddies and says she'll invest some of the money and "donate" some, too.
JT video. She comes off as pretty bitchy, IMO. Ashley points out that JT put her own outfit together (gasp!). JT says that yes, she did, because she's a very creative person and expresses it through her clothes. Ashley then asks JT how often she voted for herself… hmmmm. Sounds like the 'E's not too keen on JT, here. The other two contestants got fluff. JT gets set-up here to look vain and then is asked a loaded question. JT responds by saying that lots of people voted for her.
Commercial There's an ad for Raw, and the final image is of Kane taking a chair shot. It looks terrible, as he has both hands up to block it.
Lingerie Contest
Yes, the ladies will be wearing lingerie. Man, Ashley is a great hostess. The Miz should take notes.
Jen is out first. She has a mic. Her posing is over-shadowed by her shrill voice. She says: "I brought you a package – the whole package, right here". Hey, if she came up with that on her own, she would fit right in on the creative team. Why isn't King hosting this? I'll take a high-pitched "AAHHH" over GRISH's attempt at being smarmy. Or whatever he's doing. If he's trying to play a virgin dork, he's not even doing that well.
Here comes Layla.. holy.. she starts crawling and shaking her ass, gets a fan to touch her. Crowd ERUPTS into a "Layla" chant, hahaha sweet! Layla is cash money.
What's interesting about this competition is that this is the most camera time they will EVER have. Which is kind of silly.
JT comes out in a mini skirt. She teases like she's maybe going to take it off, but says she might do it if she wins. Give me a break. This fell flat.
All 3 are brought out so we can pick a winner. As soon as the women line up, the fans break into another big "LAYLA" chant, hahah. The fans must pick the winner. JT? Gets a decent response. Layla? HUGE pop. Jen? Weakest response of all. Jen does look GREAT, though. Layla wins. She is greater than the sum of her parts. Fans break into another "Layla" chant.
It's time to reveal who was eliminated. GRISH does that stupid "is it her? No, it's her? Wait no, it's HER" thing. JT is eliminated. Fans are actually unhappy, and there's medium-sized boos. Ashley immediately sticks a mic into her face. JT says she will still be in the WWE. Uh.. that was probably the wrong thing to say. True, but wrong. Grish calls her a "class act". The polls are still open. The numbers flash on the screen as Layla and Jen play fight. They seem to genuinely get along.
Commercial time. We see an ad for the next WWE movie – "The Marine" starring John Cena. There's a couple bland one-liners ("you missed") and slow-motion explosions. We see a clip of Cena in special ops gear giving WRESTLING MOVES to terrorists – uggghhh.
The theme to this show is by a band called The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. We see them sitting in the Café. They don't look especially thrilled, and are dressed like all the other Fall Out Boy-looking bands out there. GRISH says "where's your red jumpsuits?" hahahha.
We see a long recap video of the diva search, pretty worthless stuff. I'd rather see The Miz host this than GRISH. Yeah, maybe he'll mess up, but that's more entertaining than lame-ass Grisham. Heenan has made more clever remarks commentating on one squash match then Grish has in his whole career.
Arm Wrestling Match
Ashley says to make it in the WWE, you gotta be tough. She points out the cast on her arm and mentions how she was injured for four months. It's like nature is trying to kill her or something. Jen wins this arm wrestling match in about one second. It's just BAM and it's over.
Layla's turn… and she goes for an MMA STYLE TAKEDOWN! Give this woman the win already! She drops Grisham like this was round one of Ortiz/Griffin, then does a SPLIT ON HIS CROTCH! Hire this woman!
Ashley then makes the most interesting comment of the night. She says: "In the WWE, we don't say no". Unless you're Hogan, I guess. Jen wants to make out with Ashley, but Ashley's not up for the improv. Instead, she wants the girls to make out with each other. They do.
Commercial time. We should not take for granted just how much TV wrestling there is these days. I'd say that the WWE is over-exposed, but then, I don't think that's the case because each "brand" has its' own separate roster. Here's our wrestling week: We got Raw, ECW, MSG Classics, TNA, Smackdown, AAA and then AAA AND/OR a pay per view. That's pretty f'ing sweet right there. Wrestling Society X will just put this right over the top.
We're back. So how's Ashley doing with her $250,ooo from last year? They make it sound like these women win all the money up front on this show. But isn't it a contract? Something tells me with all the time Ashley's been on the shelf, she is not exactly making all that money. Vince isn't dumb enough to pull a WCW and give a diva search winner a $250k downside guarantee for each winner, is he? No way.
We get another BIG "Layla" chant. Grish says both women are backstage and look ready to puke. Layla is so over here, and Vince loves his NYC crowds… even if she were to "lose" I bet she'd still get signed.
Time to announce the winner. It's… LAYLA! Crowd pops big, Layla freaks out. Hahaha… she half-dives into the crowd. Then she lies on top of the giant check and kisses it. Awesome.
OVERALL: Really fun stuff! Three hot women in tiny clothes, not too shabby. What they will do with Layla is a good question. Will she be used as a wrestler? If so, who the hell is going to carry her? Mickie? Will she take Maria's spot as an interviewer? Hope not. I don't know where Maria's been, but the WWE is wasting her in a big way.
I guess time will tell. I'll see you all next week for the Weekly Review. Check out the one I did last Monday right here.
