411’s WWE Raw Report 8.28.06
Posted by Larry Csonka on 08.28.2006
Vince dominates DX while Smackdown gets buried again, that’ll put A$$’s in the seats...
Remember, send your feedback on the show to me for the 3R's column this Friday!
This is my last Raw recap kids. I have finally found someone to take things over for me. I won't reveal who it is as of now, but he is a current 411 staff member and someone I am sure you will enjoy reading on a weekly basis. Thanks for reading the recaps, and don't worry, I'll still be here with all of my regular stuff. No retirements this week!
WWE Monday Night Raw 8.28.06
We see highlights from last week, all about DX driving Vince McMahon even more insane than he already is.
Shane O Mac is out to kick off Raw this week, no dancing. Amazingly enough he is by himself. PLEASE let Vince be in a mental hospital, ala Flair in WCW. That would be glorious.
SHANE: Well DX, your pranks have hit a new low. You have some balls defacing the plane and titan towers. And of course what you did to the limo. You have gone to far as you endangered our lives. You all saw what they did with the prank. But see, you did more than destroy a limo. You ripped out, well, a piece of his heart. We tried to celebrate his birthday last week, but all he could mutter was DX…DX…DX. So for his health, he is staying in his hotel room. So I am running the show. My first order of business is DX. DX will compete on RAW tonight, in this very ring. Against…that's on a need to know basis and none of you or them need to know. But it is sweet, and you will find out what is in store for them at Unforgiven. I will never forgive them.
Edge and Lita's boobs are out now.
EDGE: Shane, if you are running the show you need to do something. We both had bad weeks, look what Cena did to me.
Footage of the water toss on Edge runs.
EDGE: I am the WWE champ! You do not put your hands on me and throw me in polluted water! SHUT UP! Shane, you need to fire John Cena, I want him out of my life!
Cena is out now.
CENA: Pump the brakes…easy there man. You don't want me to take a walk now. You come out here with your stories every week. If I leave now all they will remember is your ass being tossed into the water, advantage Cena. And whatever you got from Skanksalot doesn't count, and she gives it to every one. Shane, if you got $10, you can get it to, because the ho comes for money! You want me gone fine. This is a three-year contract from teddy Long and Smackdown. I have no problem signing it, but I need one more match for the WWE title. You win, I sign and leave no questions asked. You can own Monday's and be the greatest champion ever. What you think? What's your answer?
SHANE: Teddy signed it.
EDGE: I'll do it! With 2 conditions. #1, I name where the match takes place, and not here for sure. #2, I name the match. You don't like it, too bad so sad. Deal?
CENA: Deal.
SHANE: Where you going, you need to learn some respect, I didn't dismiss you. You don't treat the WWE champ with disrespect. You have a match as well, and it is right now.
The new and improved Chris Masters returns! HAHA, King says he is "leaner." WELLNESS~!
John Cena vs. Chris Masters
JIP with Cena getting a belly to belly. Irish whip and a boot and fisherman's suplex on Masters for 2. Rights by Cena, Irish whip and he eats a boot from Masters. Clothesline to Cena. Masters chokes Cena, and then clubs away on him. Rights by Cena, but Masters with a powerslam for 2. Camel Clutch variation by Masters, Cena fights and gets to his feet. Escapes and a flying shoulder block on Masters. PROTO BOMB! 5-knuckle shuffle. FU try…escape and a reverse DDT by Masters. King calls him leaner again…cleaner perhaps. Masters calls for the Masterlock…tries and Cena fights and gets the STFU! Edge is here and KILLS Cena with a chair!
Winner: John Cena @ 3:37 via DQ
Edge nails him again! Edge grabs a ladder from under the ring now. Edge NAILS Cena in the face with the ladder! Edge now goes for and gets a table! He slides it into the ring and sets it up in the corner. He then tosses Cena through the table.
EDGE: Good news John, I have decided. Unforgiven, in my hometown of Toronto. The match, one you have never had and I have never lost…Tables…Ladders…and Chairs!
Tomorrow on ECW, Sabu vs. Paul Heyman in an Extreme Rules Match.
Back from commercial and we see replays of Edge beating down Cena.
We will see Orton vs. Hardy, #1 contendership for the IC Title.
We see Shane talking to the C-Team heels. Murdoch, Cade, Viscera and Haas. Shane says he has another plan in mind, one with talent. Shane talks to Vince on the Cell. We see Vince screen in screen and he is chilling. He feels great, and has wine. He had guests and just zipped up his pants. He snacks on shrimp, and the doorbell rings. In a Hotel? Ok. We hear a roster crow. Vince is afraid DX is there. Vince turns around and sees a cart with a roster in a cage on it. Two of them, he likes 2 cocks obviously. Vince dries.
Carlito and Trish walk and talk. Carlito says he can make a lot of money here. Carlito wants to know when she planned to tell him. It said on WWE.com she is retiring at Unforgiven. She says it is true. She has thought about it for a long time, and didn't want people to find out like this. Lita is to blame for this. Trish calls her a bitch. Carlito says it is cool. He supports her, and if this is good-bye, well, he kisses her good bye. A good romp in the sack is a better god bye.
Randy Orton runs in and slams them together. Orton then tosses Carlito into a wall and leaves.
We see highlights from last week getting decimated by Umaga. Kane is not here tonight, as he has a ruptured throat.
JR is shocked about Lita leaking the story about Trish's retirement. Damn harlot.
Back to School, Paddle on a Pole Match: Candace vs. Torrie
Is this really happening? I thought Candace was a face now as well? I am so confused. Also, Lawler talking about schoolgirls is just, wow.
Candace does her twirl, and they now fight for the paddle. ASS CLAW by Torrie. Candace gets her wacky Puro submission on Torrie. They fight for the paddle again, chops now. Boot by Candace and she rips her shirt off. Torrie powerbombs her to the corner. Stink face by Torrie. Candace bites her ass. She gets the paddle and wins.
Winner: Candace @ forever (2:10) via Paddling
Candace goes to paddle her, but then wants Torrie to spank her. She does. Now Candace spanks her. Candace spanks the dog too and they hug.
#1 Contender's Match (IC TITLE): Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy
Lock up and clubbing shots by Orton. Slams Jeff to the corner and delivers rights to Jeff. Off the ropes and a clothesline by Jeff. Rights by Jeff, corner dropkick by Jeff. Jeff clotheslines Orton to the floor. Corkscrew moonsault to Orton on the floor. Commercial @ 1:19.
Back @ 4:55 with Orton doing…a chinlock! Jeff fights to his feet, escapes and gets a reverse kick to Orton. Orton to the floor…suicide dive by Jeff and he caught Orton in the back as he tried to kick him in the face, looks to have hurt his knees…nope, he looks to be ok. Back in and Orton covers for 2. JR is so great, saying that Jeff won't have a long career. THAT'S A SHOOT! Snap mare and another chinlock by Orton. Back suplex by Jeff to escape. Rights by Jeff, off the ropes and a flying clothesline by Jeff. Another and off the ropes… Orton misses a dropkick. Leg drop to the nuts by Jeff. 2nd rope now…missile dropkick to Orton for 2. Eye poke by Orton, cool back breaker on Jeff gets 2. Orton picks him up, powerbomb try…Jeff gets a RANA counter. Irish whip and Jeff tries a cross body but eats a dropkick by Orton for 2. Neck breaker by Jeff, he goes up top… Orton up and to the floor. Carlito is here and nails Orton back into the ring. Apple spit on Orton, Twist of fate by Jeff on Orton. Up top…swanton and that is that.
Winner: Jeff Hardy @ 10:20 via pin
We get replays of Carlito costing Orton the match. They don't even focus on the fact that Jeff won. Nice.
DX is backstage and HBK has the shirt. The cops are here with Shane. OMG CLAUDIO IS A COP! He will enjoy their match, and is here to say that the pranks stop. HHH says the roster thing was from the heart. For real. They wanted to cheer Vince up. They make a choking the chicken comment. Shane tells them to grow up, and they say Vince likes having men kiss his ass and wrestled his daughter, just days before her wedding. HBK shills the Vince DVD. They say if Shane isn't down with that, 2 words, you know.
We see a special look at Cena making the Marine.
The Highlanders come out to do commentary. I'M ROBY!
World Tag Title Match: Hacksaw and Eugene vs. The Spirit Squad (Kenny and Mikey)
Eugene and Mikey start. Arn drag and then head butts by Eugene. Atomic drop and Mikey to the floor. Eugene kicks him and some of the others to the announce table. They argue with the Highlanders and Johnny and Nicky get tossed as well as the Highlanders. Back to action and Mikey slams Eugene for 2. Double suplex on Eugene now. Kenny in. Mitch is still at ringside. Kenny beats on Eugene. Tag to Mikey. Eugene tries to get a tag, but Mikey nails Hacksaw to stop that. Kenny undoes a turnbuckle pad, shenanigans! Eugene elbows Mikey, tags Hacksaw. Cleans house, slam on Mikey. One on Kenny. 3-point stance now…misses and he nails the corner. Mitch pulled Mikey out of the way. Mikey pins Hacksaw.
Winner: The Spirit Squad @ 4:42 via pin
Umaga comes out now along with AAE. The Squad runs. Umaga beats down Eugene. Flatliner on Eugene Spike on Duggan. Running ass ram on Eugene. Spike on Eugene. Haven't we seen this before?
AAE on the mic, listen to him. Kane got into their business, and they didn't like it. That is why Umaga put him out last week. Umaga is the real monster.
We get highlights of Foley kissing Vince's ass and Melina rocking his cock with a low blow.
Nitro and Melina come to the ring.
Nitro and Melina Press Conference
NITRO: We called this press conference because we have been hounded ever since Melina fired Mick Foley. Well, what did you expect her to do? Look at who she is with? I am Johnny Nitro, IC Champion and every thing you people and Mick Foley aren't. Just look at me, admit it, you all wish you could be Johnny Nitro for just one night. I go and get freaky with Melina and cuddle with my IC Title. That killed Mick Foley, because he could never do what I do every night. So Mick, fantasize all you want, because that is as close as you will ever get. She is for me and not for you. The last person Melina would associate herself with is a quitter like Foley.
MELINA: I would like to ass that Foley is more of an ass kisser. He kissed Vince's ass, the people's ass and my ass. He says he wanted to be my friend, I know better. Mick is an, a disgusting creep. He is middle age and fell for me. Everyone, **boring chants now** Mick can step in line because every man falls for me. I would never take a person that looks like him seriously. For the record, Mick, you got a schoolboy crush and embarrassed yourself. He drives a minivan! I would never be with regular people like you or Foley. We are stars and I am out of Foley's league! I would never leave Nitro for a one eared, smelly muppet like Mick Foley. I put him out of his misery.
NITRO: Enjoy your 19th retirement, and sit down and write a blog as my career goes places your never could go and I do…things that you could never do. In closing, I want to state, Melina and I are the hottest things on Raw, and I am the future of sports entertainment. Thank you.
JR was great as he said, "Come on folks, this is only a 2-hour show here."
JR discusses Angle's release and how WWE.com has comments on it. They wish him the very best and hope to see him back someday.
JR and King talk about Lita leaking that Trish is retiring. Lita reads the dirt sheets. We see Carlito and Trish talking and Orton's attack. Trish got jacked there.
Mickie attacks and here we go. Lita pulls her to the floor and follows. Slams her to the apron and then back into the ring. Cover for 2. Lita works the knee now. She wraps it around the ropes and then breaks. Rights by Lita, kicks now. Lita slams her face first into the mat. Pie face by Lita, Mickie fires back now. Enziguri to Lita gets 2. Forearms by Mickie and a clothesline to Lita. Dropkick now. Monkey flip on Lita. Jabs by Mickie and a big right. Fisherman's suplex by Mickie gets 2. Back elbow by Lita, and she goes and grabs the title belt. Ref takes it and Mickie rolls her up, and gets 2 as the ref was delayed. Forearms by Mickie, elbow to Lita but Lita counters a RANA and gets the ropes for the win.
Winner: Lita @ 3:30 via pin
We get a replay of Cena getting an ass kicking from Edge.
HHH does his mic stuff.
Shane is out now. Their opponents are Finlay, Regal and Kennedy.
DX vs. Fit Finlay, William Regal and Mr. Kennedy
JIP with Regal and Finlay beating down HBK. Regal in with a top wristlock on HBK. HBK escapes and fights out of the SD corner, but Finlay pulls him to the floor, clothesline and LITTLE BASTARD! HE ATTACKS HBK! Glorious. Finlay lays the boots to HBK, rolls him back in and a running boot by Regal gets 2. Final abuses HBK as Regal distracts the ref. Tag to Finlay now and forearms to HBK. Running shoulder ram by Finlay. Cannon ball by Finlay gets 2. Nerve pinch by Finlay on HBK. HBK escapes and then eats a clothesline. Tag to Regal and he covers for 2. Knees by Regal, tag to Finlay and they work over HBK. Finlay hits the post as HBK moved. Tag to Regal and HHH. HHH cleans house on all 3. Face buster on Regal. Kennedy to the floor. Spinebuster on Finlay. Kennedy nails HHH, up top…MISSES the senton. They toss him to the floor. Regal nails Finlay with a chair as HHH moves. Pedigree on Regal. 1…2…3. Way to job out Smackdown.
Winner: DX @ 4:51 via pin
Shane calls out Big Show now.
DX attacks Show. Double goozle…they escape. The Smackdown guys are back and help lay them out. Finlay beats down HBK, Chokeslam on HHH. Cobra clutch backbreaker on HBK and then a leg drop.
Vince is here now with a lead pipe. Vince alone in the ring with DX and nails HBK. Shane in now. He nails HHH and he is busted open. Vince chokes him. Shane grabs HBK and chokes him. Vince grabs a camera now and KILLS HBK with it. Vince has the camera cord and chokes HBK who is bleeding a ton now. Shane nails HHH again with the pipe. They both choke HHH now.
Vince has he mic now. You think this is over? It isn't over until I say so. At Unforgiven, it will be Shane and I with the Big Show…Hell…In A…Cell.
Please remember, send your feedback on the show to me for the 3R's column this Friday!
