411’s WWE Raw Report 9.04.06

Posted by Arnold Furious on 09.04.2006

The problem with finishing a recap after 4am is then trying to think of a teaser line.

RAW is Furious or 411's RAW Report – September 4th 2006

Hello, I'm Arnold Furious and I'm the new RAW recap guy about these parts. What kind of qualifications do you have for such a job, sir? I hear you ask. Well, I've been recapping RAW for Smashwrestling.com since January 2005. I've been writing for 411 as a tape reviewer since the middle of 2005 and I've been generally writing about wrestling on the ‘net since 2001. Although I used to write about it for 3 years prior to that and just email me to people who I thought would be interested. When I felt I could commit to a regular column I started writing with an actual audience. I'm a little wary of doing a live report because that means I can't spell check it and proof read. I expect this to have a few sentences in that don't make sense. I'm also mildly schizophrenic so chances are I'll contradict myself a few times. One slight wrinkle in my wrestling coverage – I live in England. This means no pre-empting for dog shows and the like but any bad weather knocks the satellite out and I don't get anything at all. Weather is fine tonight though so we should do swimmingly.

Anyway, tonight RAW comes from Atlanta, Georgia. Hosts should be Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler. My email isn't working at the moment so if you have any thoughts I guess you'll have to keep them to yourself! Or just add me on MSN – [e-mail]. And call me an asshole to my face. If you've got the nuts. Or just do what I've done and get a cool glass of OJ and a tall can of Pringles. Kick back and read on!

LAST WEEK – Edge got into a bit of a tizzy and requested himself a TLC match at Unforgiven. If he wins Cena has to bugger off to Smackdown for three years where they can control what noise the crowd makes. Just sayin. The odds certainly seem stacked in Edge's favour in a match he's never lost.

PROMO TIME – Edge. He has his tables, ladders and chairs in the ring while JR shills the US Open. Pah, tennis is for gays. Edge tells us Cena only has two more shows on RAW before Edge sends him packing to Smackdown. Edge reminds us the odds are in his favour again mentioning the PPV taking place in Toronto (now 94% SARS Free!) Edge points out that Cena's style is swinging his fists like a retarded gorilla. HAHAHA. It's funny because it's true. He says TLC is about skill (or falling off stuff, Jeff). Edge has footage of himself owning in TLC matches. Rated R, natch. That's why they hired Jeff! So they could show him falling through stuff at Edge's expense. Edge talks some more saying Cena is off to wrestle men in dresses and mentions Michael Cole's "man crush" on him. John Cena runs in so Edge has to dive off the ladder he's been cutting the promo off. Only Cena catches him and gives him the FU through the table he had set up. Well, he was asking for that. Cena's reaction wasn't vicious booing either.

BACKSTAGE Jeff Hardy paints a wall white. No, really. Maria shows up to ask whats going on and Jeff is "watching the press conference from last week". See because it was as boring as watching paint dry. See? That Jeff Hardy and his highbrow humour. He's right though that press conference was duller than a Randy Orton chinlock.

IC title – Johnny Nitro (c) w/Melina v Jeff Hardy

Get Nitro's head out of the way! It's bad enough I have to watch him wrestle. And report on it. He could at least let me see the upskirt. Bastard. Crowd seems to be buying into Hardy's comeback. Nitro hits a quick dropkick and then a single leg both for near falls. Hardy retorts with a pair of roll ups and a backslide. Nitro seems a touch upset with getting caught so many times. Jeff hits his mule kick thing and Nitro falls outside. Jeff doesn't dive because it's time for an ad break. Who will win? Stay tuned! We return with Nitro working a chinlock. During the break Jeff went for a dive to the inside and got caught with a dropkick. Nitro drags the hair into a backbreaker for 2 and lays in some punches. "Nitro sucks" according to the fans. He's working the back over with forearm shivers and a back suplex gets 2. Jeff tries to fight back but Nitro just goes to the spine again. Breakdancing legdrop misses because Nitro spent too long arguing with Jack Doan. Jawbreaker from Jeff but he's caught in a Hot Shot. Melina enjoyed that. Hey Jeff, why'd you let go of the ropes on that? Nitro with another backbreaker and a Russian legsweep for 2. Nitro focusing on the back in case you missed that. He goes to the BORE-HUG. Damn it, I can't fast forward this. Nitro tries for a superplex but they mess up a spot where Jeff escapes and Nitro barely holds onto the ropes so Hardy can hit the Electric Chair. They stay down selling that for a while. Jeff with his own Russian legsweep and the double leg pin gets 2. Nitro goes for a crossbody but Hardy rolls through for 2. He's getting sloppy here. Hardy misses a dropkick allowing Nitro to hit the Standing SSP for 2. So the SSSP then. Hardy goes for the Whisper in the Wind for 2. Up he goes looking for the finish but Nitro barges the ropes to knock him down. Twist of Fate from Jeff regardless and Melina runs in to bump the ref and it's a DQ finish. Jeff Hardy wins the match, Johnny Nitro retains his title.

POST MATCH Jeff hits a Swanton on Nitro's back to compensate for all that back work.

I GET MESSAGES - William Grange > Edge. I think the readers of 411 live coverage would like to read this. Possibly. I'll let them decide Billy. And stop trying to look like Triple H.

NEXT – Trish's Farewell Address.

THIS WEEK IN WRESTLING HISTORY – September 4th 1995. The first WCW Monday Nitro. We get a few clips including Lex Luger's SHOCKING debut. The first shot in the Monday Night War.

BACKSTAGE Trish walks but bumps into Lita who mocks her. Trish says she was going to call out "the HOOOOmetown girl". She was planning on challenging Lita to one last match. Lita agrees to wrestle Trish in her last match at Unforgiven in Trish's home town of Toronto. A scuffle breaks out and Carlito comes in to be peacemaker but Randy Orton attacks him. Mixed tag?

SHILL – The Marine. Now with new scenes that make the film look even worse.

BACKSTAGE Lita has one of her patented spzzy fits and knocks on the McMahon door against Coach's wishes. Shane appears and books the mixed tag. Lita wants Edge in there so Shane books John Cena into the match too.

I GET MESSAGES – Debating the chances of Jeff getting off drugs…"Congratulations, Mister Hardy. We found blood in your drug sample."

PROMO TIME - Chris Masters. "Leaner and meaner" sayeth King. We clip to Maria yawning while still watching paint dry. He says no one can beat him back there in the locker room so out comes SUPER CRAZY.

Chris Masters v Super Crazy

Masters overpowers Crazy without using any steroids in the process. Crazy gets roughed up a bit but hits a nice dropkick. Masters boots him in the face and runs him into the ring post. Masters kicks him around a bit and pins for 2. Masters starts working at the arm so Crazy battles back and gets beaten down again. Crazy with a spinning heel kick and a springboard dropkick sends Masters to the floor. Masters is still down. SLINGSHOT HILO TO THE FLOOR! Yeah! Diving sunset flip gets 2. High crossbody misses and Crazy lands in position for the Masterlock. Crazy battles away from it and gets a roll up for a near fall so Masters clocks him with a lariat. Crazy dropkicks the knee and hits a moonsault for the pin. Super Crazy wins via moonsault. And Maria is still watching the paint dry. Oh, it's a running gag folks!

LAST WEEK – Shane complained about DX messing with the McMahon family two weeks ago. Shane goes on to book DX against the odds until Big Slow destroys DX and leaves them down for Vince to stroll in with a lead pipe and bash HHH about a bit.

I GET MESSAGES - Gabriel Grey is watching the A-Team. The booking is infinitely better than RAW.

PROMO TIME – Vince McMahon w/Shane McMahon. "Security" is out here. Security or Indy wrestlers. Vince brings the Big Slow out here. Vince dancing to his music makes me chuckle. Oh and we're into hour TWO. If this was Nitro we'd get a countdown and pyro. I feel robbed. Shane gets on the stick to remind us how much fun last week was laying out DX and all that jazz. He hands the mic to the Big Slow. He says DX isn't funny. 411's forum agrees. He says he's going to handicap DX tomorrow on ECW and then someone can drag the remainder of them to Unforgiven. Now Vince has his much needed talk time. He tells the fans they're not having a good time and he likes that. What kind of a promoter are you? He says everyone laughed at DX playing pranks on him. Well, not so much the things he mentioned. Vince says he's laughing now and he's laughing at the fans. I've completely tuned out here, sorry. I think he's talking about the PPV. Anyway before it gets too boring DX interupt. HHH has Sledgey with him and Shawn has a chair. HHH has two words for Vince: thank you. Vince looks perplexed. HHH says they were reminded who they were. So they march down to the ring and the head security guy has a word with them. So Shawn chair shots him. The McMahons run off leaving security to take the beating. Pedigree & Superkick for the two security guys left standing.

Highlanders v Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch v Viscera/Charlie Haas

Winners get a tag title shot at Unforgiven. This really should be a no brainer. Maria is still watching the paint dry. The Spirit Squad come out here to get a closer look. As I'm typing that Haas gets knocked off the apron and stays down holding his leg. Cade & Murdoch double team the bald one. Haas is back up and gets in there to punch at Cade. I prefer Cade with blonde hair. He has that Waylon Mercy vibe now. Murdoch tags in to pound on Haas. Vis comes in though and hits the Bossman Slam on Murdoch. Vis chops away at the bald one. Whats he? Rory? Vis legdrops Rory in the back of the head and Haas pins for 2. So everyone spills in and the only clear cut heels collide. Vis gives them a big avalanche in the corner. Cade gets clotheslined out and Vis goes over too. Haas tries for a German suplex on Murdoch but Robbie hits the sunset flip for the pin. So the Highlanders win by sunset flip on Charlie Haas. Murdoch went all the way over on the German suplex too and bumped it head first. Looked pretty cool but the spot isn't a new one.

SMACKDOWN REBOUND – King Booker has to face The Mighty DAVE~! at whenever they're building up to. Book takes a spinebuster through a table at the contract signing. HE IS MIGHTY! Oh the contract is for this week's Smackdown.

BACKSTAGE Carlito is sick of Randy Orton. Carlito makes fun of Orton's little pose. Carlito says he's the king of disrespect and he's going to spit in his face tonight. Trish listens and she has the Something About Mary hairstyle going on there.

KISSCAM – What the hell? Ric Flair is out here though. WOO! DAYUM Maria looks cute today/always. Flair, for someone whos just come off a Foley feud, rather hypocritically does the cheap pop. He wants a kiss off Maria. Oh she's what a quarter of your age? Flair sells it with a face bump. YES! Brilliant. He reminds us he made Foley quit at Summerslam but here's Armando Alejandro Estrada. Is it just me or does he look like a Muppet? He wants Flair to declare Umaga as "the man" because he beat Flair. Naitch tells him no. "You looney tunes crazy old man" – Estrada. He tells Flair that Umaga is going to bulldoze him. Crowd was WAY ahead on the UUUUUU of UUUUUUUUMAGA. But before he can do anything Kane comes out here. Kane starts throwing the big rights. He's clearly upset about the neck assault two weeks ago. Umaga gets booted out of the ring and then scared off by the pyro.

PROMO TAPE – Cryme Tyme. This future tag team on RAW rob a store. This could be the most racist gimmick I've ever seen. So it'll either be brilliant or rubbish.

BACKSTAGE Theodore R. Long is thuggin' and buggin' in his home town of Atlanta. Maria is still watching paint dry.

SHILL – Unforgiven. Edge v Cena, Umaga v Kane, Nitro v Hardy II, Carlito v Orton, Highlanders v Spirit Squad, Trish v Lita, Hell in a Cell – Big Slow/McMahons v DX. Hey, they've actually booked a full show already.

BACKSTAGE Big Slow says ECW is his environment so DX are crazy to go into his hood. He knows he can destroy DX tomorrow. Vince says he's never main evented a match in MSG so next Monday in MSG he'll wrestle Triple H one on one.

Six Person Tag – Edge/Randy Orton/Lita v John Cena/Carlito/Trish Stratus

Say what you want about Cena but he's one of those guys that when he comes out EVERYONE reacts. Which is why he's getting this enormous push. Orton-Cena to start and Orton clubs him down. Cena soons explodes and hits the Throwback for 2. Carlito in to get at Orton and that turns into a slugfest in short order. Orton thumbs the eye and tags Edge in. Carlito hits a dropkick. Edge has taping on his ribs. Cena gets a tag and Edge runs and dives out of the ring. He's tagged Lita in. What a gent. Trish wants in and pounds Lita down in the corner. Lita comes back with a clothesline. Schoolgirl from Trish gets 2. Trish slaps Orton leading to him coming in and all the faces pile in to scare them off. This is SO over with the fans. Something must be working. Ad break and when we return Lita is in with Trish. Lita chinlocking to her hearts content. Hey, they should be called Team Chinlock. Trish with a nice neckbreaker before the tags. Carlito-Orton and Carlito hits the Mr Wrestling II kneelift. Springboard back elbow scores. Carlito pounds away but Orton throws him out of the ring for the other heels to mug him. Edge comes in to do some jumping jacks. Cena isn't impressed. Edge with a great standing dropkick and then the corner spear. Orton comes in and boots Carlito in the ribs. Cena is dumb enough to bite on the triple teaming and distract the referee for the heels. Carlito mounts a comeback but Edge boots him and hits a clothesline for 2. Lita comes in to give Carlito a shoeing but that doesn't last. Orton in to continue the beating. This has all gone very formula, which is hit and miss according to the varying crowd reactions. Orton with the Shades of Wilbur Snyder and he uses the ropes for cheatage. Cena seems very upset that Edge comes in to choke Carlito. He wouldn't like Samoa Joe matches. Carlito comes back with an Enzuigiri on Orton. Time for a hot tag! Only Edge sneaks round and pulls Cena off the apron. Trish gets the tag instead and takes Lita down. Edge goes to grab her but Cena dives in there. This is breaking down. Everyone brawls all over the place. Cena ends up taking a header into the steps. Lita snap suplexes Trish but Trish comes back with the Stratosphere. She's after the Chick Kick but Orton runs in and hits the RKO on her leaving her prone for the Lita pin. Lita pins Trish after an Orton RKO. Hey, pretty good match. Oh and here's one for Hidden Highlights as Orton does the "you can't see me" thing at the ref who missed his attack on Trish.

NEXT WEEK – Vince McMahon v Triple H and we'll be in MSG. See you then!