The Impact Crater 09.08.06

Posted by Ryan Byers on 09.08.2006

TNA Drinking Game Rule #5: For every person who e-mails me about that damn phone, take a shot.

We are Meehan-free this week.

Jeff Jarrett opens up the show, and he's nervous about his polygraph test. ERIC YOUNG, THE GREATEST MAN ON THE PLANET, pops up, and he's got jet black hair now. Eric's uncle has apparently never failed at the old lie detector game, and Young is willing to pass the family secrets on to Double J. I hope that this isn't a sign that they're turning Young heel, because he was getting some of the loudest babyface reactions on the show, and throwing that away at this point would just be foolhardy. This does, however, keep up nicely with Jarrett's track record of taking the hottest acts in the company and making sure that they all interact with him some way so that he can get a rub.

Match Numero Uno: Homicide & Hernandez vs. The Mack Brothers

For those not familiar with TJ and Kriby "Krazy K" Mack, they're indy workers out of the Carolinas who are actually good friends with the Hardy Boys. (Jeff tried to drag Kirby in to Ring of Honor during his disastrous run there.) I haven't seen much of their work, but they at least have a look that makes them stand out from most indy guys. LAX dominates a four-way brawl early on, with Hernandez hitting a backbreaker before whipping Homicide in to an avalanche on Krazy K. The big man sets up a frog splash with a slam, and TJ attempts a sunsent flip. That accomplishes nothing except for getting him cracker jacked. A SWEET stereo finish is next, as Homicide gives Kirby the Cop Killa and then Hernandez throws TJ over his brother's prone body with the crucifix bomb. The three counts are academic.

Match Thoughts: There wasn't much here, but it accomplished what needed to be done and had a finish that really stuck out in a good way. That alone puts it above most other squash matches. 1/2*

After the bell, Konnan cuts another quality, this one about how Daniels and Styles are on the poster for No Surender with AMW, despite the fact that LAX are the tag champs. He gets in a funny line about Daniels looking like a member of Blue Man Group sans makeup, and then the Phenomenal Angels run in. They smack around the bad guys, put the belt on the Ultimate X wires, and gesture to the Latinos that they can come up and get it if they want. Here's a random question about the pay per view match: What prevents one guy on the team from just climbing up on to his partner's shoulders and grabbing the belt that way? Are we going to see the world's greatest chicken fight at No Surrender?

Bobby Roode is with us after the commercial break, and he meets with BOBBY HEENAN! The Brain puts himself over as a great manager (like that is even necessary) and tries to woo the big Canadian guy with oceanfront property and a free dinner. I'm sad that the Brain was on TV and didn't get more of an opportunity to talk, but the focus of the segment should have been (and was) Roode since he's the one that they're trying to make in to a star.

Now, in the back, Chris Sabin, Jay Lethal, and Sonjay Dutt are watching footage from the new Jackass movie. Jerry Lynn interrupts and tells them that they should be preparing for their matches, but the youngsters defend their past-time by letting Jerry know that they're "getting ideas" from the film. So apparently their new gimmick is that they're impressionable teenage boys. Great.

Match Numero Dos: America's Most Wanted, Maverick Matt, and Frankie Kazarian vs. The James Gang, Shark Boy, & Norman Smiley

Road Dogg's pre-match spiel is interrupted by the bad guys, but Billy Gunn winds up on top, hitting Storm with some armdrags before bringing in James for a surprisingly good dropkick. His trademark series o' jabs is next, and that's followed up by the Shark Boy ass bite, which actually gets a nearfall. Storm bails to the heel corner, and Smiley beals Harris in to the ring. He gets in the wind-up slam, but the Big Wiggle is cut off by Matt Bentley. That leads to a big schmozz, and eventually Harris and Smiley are left in the ring. The Wildcat hits a superkick off of a distraction from Gail Kim, and James Storm climbs on to the former WCW Hardcore Champion to get the fall.

Match Thoughts: Somebody please explain to me what the point of any of this was. Sure, it furthers the AMW storyline a little bit, but it's nothing that another backstage segment between the two couldn't have done. And, even if you had to further the AMW breakup through a match, why do you need eight men in the ring when two would have sufficed? Bentley and Kazarian didn't even wrestle in the match aside from getting in a couple of shots during the big brawls, which just underscores the fact that they probably shouldn't have been put out there in the first place. When you're a company that's lost money for four straight years, you certainly don't need to throw more away by putting men on screen and paying appearance their fees when they aren't necessary. DUD

Now we're backstage once again, as Young has prepared Jarrett for his test by giving him a martini, a cigarette, and a baby crocodile head to wear on his toe. Eric refuses to let Jarrett answer basic questions and urges him to "plead the Fifth Commandment." God, with lines like that, I'm ready to get Eric Young's face tattooed somewhere on my body.

Apparently we can't have the big payoff to the lie detector angle just yet, so we go to a Naturals video package instead. Shane Douglas recaps their recent storyline in which he forfeited the Tag Title shot that they won. Apparently the team will have to win some sort of wacky seven-team gauntlet match/battle royale/whatever at the pay per view in order to get their shot back. If they're not successful, the Franchise promises to end his relationship with them.

After more advertising, we get a brief a package hyping the return of Austin Aries to TNA, and then Raven gets an opportunity to cut a promo. He references Spike Dudley being a part of his Flock in ECW, and says that he did not give Abyss permission to play with one of his "toys." The challenge is laid down for a "Hangman's Horror Match" on an upcoming episode of Impact. I can't say that I like jumping to the big gimmick match in the first match between two rivals. Where are they supposed to go from there?

Match Numero Tres: Christian vs. Ron Killings

A great thing about Christian: As soon as he turns heel, he changes his entrance gear to a highly obnoxious color combination so he looks like more of a doofus. It's all about the little touches, kids. The two men trade punches to start, with Christian winning the exchange and going to the armbar. Killings fires back with some rights of his own and runs the ropes a lot before hitting his flying forearm and an odd variation on the chokeslam. The Truth chokes his man after that, but Xian takes advantage of the referee admonishing Killings and tries to toss him from the ring. Ron lands on the apron and goes up top. He comes off with some odd move that Christian avoids, but Killings lands in the splits, which somehow protects him from harm. If anything, I'd think that would hurt MORE. The Truth then dropkicks Cage off of the apron and lands a pescado as we head to the break. Thank god for the commercials, because that was literally about two straight minutes of highspot, and my fingers were getting tired of having to move so quickly. Christian is dominating when we come back, and a replay shows us an inverted tornado DDT that he managed to hit during the break. (Love that move.) A reverse neckbreaker connects as well, and this offense makes sense given that it sets the Unprettier. Blatant choking follows, and then we go to a "neck vice" as it's called by Tenay. Killings makes a very quick comeback but gets caught by a back elbow, and that sets up a chinlock. Comeback number two goes a little better for Ron, as he manages to hit a guillotine legdrop for two. He gets a couple of clotheslines after that, followed up by a stunner out of a vertical suplex setup. Christian no-sells it and goes for the Unprettier, but it's blocked and turned in to a rollup. Killings misses his axe kick after that, and Christian hits a GORE GORE GORE that he looked absolutely hilarious setting up. The announcers completely miss this allusion to his feud with Rhino. There's a collision with the referee, after which the Truth hits a spinebomb, but he can't get three due to the fact that there's no official. The Unprettier from Christian immediately follows, and there's your three count. Captain Charisma goes for the one man con-chair-to after the match, but Rhino cuts it off. Christian actually crossed the LAX border when he was retreating, but apparently he's got dual citizenship, as the Tag Champs did not attack him. Rhino then gets the stick and challenges Double C to a match at No Surrender. Forget Bobby Roode, somebody needs to get Rhino a manager so we don't have to listen to him cut these promos.

Match Thoughts: This was a fun encounter for a free TV main event. They had a hot opening sequence that did a great job of suckering in the live crowd, which is something that Killings excels at thanks to the insane amounts of agility that he possesses. After the break, things slowed down a bit, but all of Christian's offense made sense, as he targeted the body part that would be affected by his big finish. The fans also bought in to Killings' comeback nicely, and the reversals were fast and fun. My only problem with the match is that there were a couple of instances in which the wrestlers transitioned from one man being on offense to the other man being on offense with no reason behind it. Killings would hit a move and seemingly would be in control, and then Christian would act completely unaffected, hit a move of his own, and continue on. That sort of thing is an easy trap to fall in to with shorter TV matches, but they worked hard enough in the early going that it didn't hurt the contest too much. **

Now it's time for the results of the lie detector test, as Jarrett claims that Uncle Leo's techniques have allowed him to pass. Unfortunately that's not the end of things, as Double J threatens us with promises us a promo after the ad break.

Fortunately, it's not just Jarrett in the ring when we return. Jim Cornette is here as well, and he officially books the Christian/Rhino match. Then he brings out Jarrett and Eric Young, and Corny says it's time to read off the polygraph results. In short, Double J had no prior knowledge of Christian's heel turn and had nothing to do with Earl Hebner screwing Christian out of the NWA Title. However, when it comes to a conspiracy with Larry Zbyszko, the answer to the question is YES, and the champ did in fact lie about it. Eric Young's reaction when he realizes that he screwed up and his running to the locker room like a little girl is hilarious. A "Jeff's a liar" chant breaks out, which is another example of the TNA crowd playing in to Jarrett's angles despite supposedly being tired of him. Cornette goes on to say that he can't make Jarrett defend the title at the next pay per view because Sting's shot is lined up down the road. However, he is booking Jeff in a match at No Surrender, in which the ring will be surrounded by fans who have leather straps for the purpose of whipping JJ when he attempts to run away. Oh yeah, and I guess Jarrett needs an opponent in the match too. It's Samoa Joe, who comes off as a complete afterthought when compared to the amount of time that they just spent hyping up the stipulation. Oh well, he didn't need that main event run anyway.

Final Thoughts

I felt like I was riding a roller coaster while watching Imapct this week, as I was shot back and forth between highs of great wrestling television and lows of idiotic booking. The LAX squash and subsequent promo was great and only helped further cement their characters, though I'm sure everybody is sick of hearing me gushing about the team at this point. Unfortunately, as the company creating a new hot act, they're also destroying what was previously their meal ticket, as Joe has gone from "breakout star" to "guy in a midcard feud he shouldn't be in but at least won" to "just another man on the roster with absolutely nothing special about him." The fact that Rhino is getting pushed over him is just criminal, as is the fact that he's going to beat the World Champion on pay per view without it being treated as a big deal because nobody will want to see Sting's heat affected. TNA would be excellent if they could just start firing on all cylinders, but I guess I'll deal with one cylinder at a time until they figure things out.

And, with the show completed, let's get to some reader feedback~!

Up first is an issue I can't avoid addressing . . . THE PHONE. Several folks e-mailed me about this one, and I'll run Shaun from the UK's letter since he was the most polite about it.

Before I get to my feedback, I wanted to let you know that I read your Impact re-cap out of preference because you seem to be on the same wavelength as me & my mates about a lot of what's happening down in Orlando so I appreciate your hard work. Firstly on Impact, I want to 1000% agree with you about LAX… my friends and I all love the fact that they have their own entrance point & also love the Impact Zone seating split where all the latino fans seem to sit "across the border" behind their announce booth. TNA is definitely working this angle incredibly well right now. We think TNA are the only company that actually have FOUR standard entrance points (Heel ramp, face ramp, LAX "Border" & Raven's through the crowd routine) and we can't remember anyone else doing that before.

I also just wanted to let you know that the big red phone has indeed been on the announce desk for an absolute age. In fact, for at least the last 2 months my friends and I have been calling it "the Batphone" and really really wanting Tenay & West to receive a call on it! Suffice to say, when I read your comments on this weeks Impact I was totally amused that our batphone in-joke has actually had an unexpected pay-off & am sure it will generate a laugh when the guys I know have watched this weeks episode!

Okay, I'll admit that I was wrong on the phone. However, despite the fact that it was there, you'd think that if TNA planned on using it as part of an angle at some point, they would have actually hyped up its presence a little bit more.

Up next is Joey Nic, who asks a bunch of questions not even remotely related to TNA. He'll still get them answered, though.

what do you think about Kurt Angle "retiring." He said that his body is beat up and he needs some time off, hey if that will help him live past the age of forty-five I'm all for it. He is certainly one of my favorites and Kurt vs Bret Hart seems to be the IWC's wet dream, and maybe now he can grow his hair back.

I doubt it's an actual "retirement." In fact, I'd be amazed if he didn't pop up somewhere else as soon as his no-compete clause expires. The real question is where exactly he would pop up. He's too old to break in to MMA and be successful at it, though I can imagine that Angle in a "real fight," particularly against a Mr. Daniel Puder, would make a ton of money in Japan or the US and that several promoters would love to book it. In pro wrestling he could probably go wherever he wants and name his price. Any of the major Japanese companies would take him, particularly if they thought they could get him in to a match with Brock, though I don't know if Angle's body would be up for a style of wrestling that is even more physically demanding than WWE's. (Though, to be fair, if he worked Japanese tours he wouldn't be on the road nearly as much.) As far as TNA is concerned, getting the money for another "major player" might be hard for them until Sting's deal runs out. It would, however, probably be the best idea for Kurt's body if he insists on staying active. He'd only have three or four dates per month and would probably only have to get in to the ring for half of them.

As far as the Bret match is concerned, I wouldn't hold your breath. Hart knows that he's not in any condition to return to the ring, and, even if he could, he sounds like he is very content with life and doesn't want to.

Personally, I'd rather Angle just quit now and never appear on a wrestling card again. He's given us enough, and continuing his career is not worth the possibility of depriving his children of a healthy father.

How did you like your Angle? Dorky Kurt or Robo Kurt, I guess I don't have to tell you why "Your Olympic Horndog" wasn't a choice.

The comedic Kurt Angle bits were hilarious, but if I had to chose between the two I'd pick serious Kurt. He was one of the few guys who could really get me to suspend disbelief and buy in to the story that he was trying to put across. He had the aura of a man who could seriously injure you at the drop of a hat, and it always brought something special to his segments.

And good old ECW received a contract extension until the end of 2007. Your thoughts?

I've actually liked the new ECW for the most part. For all of the changes that the old fans of the promotion complain about, having a "WWE filter" on the product has eliminated many of the things that I couldn't stand about Heyman's version of the company. I like the fact that not every match is hardcore, because it makes the hardcore stuff seem more important. I like the fact that guys who can actually wrestle (e.g. CM Punk) are being pushed as the future of the company whereas wrestlers who are washed up but still get a reaction (e.g. Dreamer & Sandman) are on the show to get that reaction but not involved in anything major. I like the fact that WWE guys appear on shows, because it gives us fresh matchups that feel like something different than the normal Raw & Smackdown fare. If they can keep all of that up, the extension of the contract gets a big thumbs up in my book.

And for my last question, on your Hulk Still Rules rant you said that in the Wrestlemania III match between Hulk and Andre Gorilla said that Andre was 7'5'' which wasn't true because as you said that would mean he had to have a nine inch forehead. But how tall was Andre really? I heard that he was only 6 feet 10 inches than I heard 7 feet four inches. What have you heard?

From what I've heard, it's commonly accepted that, as a young man, Andre was somewhere between 7' and 7'2". However, as he got older he put on a ton of weight due to his pituitary condition, which caused him to get shorter. Most people peg him as being 6'10" at the time of his death, though the WWF could still get away with billing him as much taller because of the unusual proportions of his body.

And, on that completely random note, we're going to sign off for this week. Keep the e-mail rolling in, and I'll be back in seven with more fun from the six sided ring.