411's TNA Impact Report 09.14.06

Posted by Steve Cook on 09.14.2006

Hangman's Horror! Styles & Daniels! Watch this show! Read this recap!

Hello everybody, and welcome to TNA Impact Insight! This is the Impact Playa Steve Cook making a one night only return filling in for Larry Csonka. He'll be back next week, so don't even think about leaving us for some other site! As for this week, we've got a Hangman's Horror match with Raven & Abyss, Sabin vs. Shelley Part 543, & Styles/Daniels in action. I also hear that Jimmy Cornette might be organizing another town meeting and Bobby Roode will be entertaining another managerial offer, so you're gonna wanna stay tuned for that.

Usually Larry tells you to send in your feedback for use in the 3 Rs…I'm not sure if he'll want feedback for next week's column or not, but send it in to [e-mail] anyway and I'll see what's the dillyo. I enjoy e-mail. I also enjoy drinking Bud Light & Jim Beam, so this recap could be interesting.

Ultimate Fighter 4 is over, so let's get it started! Oh Mikey Burnett, we hardly knew ye.

This is TNA…the new face of professional wrestling.

Opening video talking about Jeff Jarrett being a damn liar! He'll face Samoa Joe at No Surrender! Joe's gonna kill him! I'm down with that.

I should point out that the opening video is about 100 times cooler than the one they used to use on FSN. No comparison there, and anybody who watched the show on FSN knows what I mean.

IMPACT ZONE! FANS! SO CAL VAL! PYROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

West & Tenay at ringside hype up Hangman's Horror. We get some close-ups of chains. They also talk about Ultimate X at No Surrender and kick it to a video package…

Nice little video package with LAX & Styles/Daniels talking and clips showing the Ultimate X structure. This feud is the absolute shiznit, by the way, LAX is easily one of the hottest acts in wrestling and I haven't been this interested in Konnan's mike work in…ever.

Tag Team Match: "Phenomenal" AJ Styles & "Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels vs. Maverick Matt & Kazarian

Is it just me, or have the careers of Bentley & Kazarian gone in the toilet ever since they fired Traci? That might have been the worst career move since Randy Moss asked to be traded to the Oakland Raiders. As for Styles & Daniels, they're getting ready for their title shot against LAX in an Ultimate X match at No Surrender. Frankly, they should win this match unless they totally overlook Bentley & Kazarian or if some TOMFOOLERY~! takes place.

We get a clip of Bentley & Kazarian defeating AJ in Ultimate X….woah, I didn't think they'd bring that up. Styles & Daniels in red this week for those of you scoring at home…or even if you're alone. Damn, Styles' music is catchy. UX structure is still up from last week..damn, that TNA ring crew is lazy! Daniels & Kazarian start with some arm work, very nice arm work actually. Leg lariat by Daniels gets 2. Tag to Bentley, arm drag by Daniels. Tag to AJ, kick, arm wringer, Bentley punches out, punches away on AJ, off the ropes, nice dropkick by Styles! Cover gets 2. Tag to Daniels, AJ with a bulldog on Bentley onto CD's knees for a near fall, Bentley gets the advantage briefly, tag to Kaz, clothesline off the top gets 2. suplex into a series of right hands, tag to Bentley, whip, double kick, spinning neckbreaker by Kaz, pin by Bentley gets 2, time for a commercial!

We're back, and Bentley & Kazarian still have the advantage on Daniels. Basement dropkick by Bentley, Kaz covers for 2. Tag, nice kick by Kaz, another 2 count. Bentley chokes away, applies a rear chinlock. Daniels fights out, off the rope, STO! Will Daniels make the tag? Yes he will! Clotheslines all around! Backbreaker on Kaz gets 2! Another crazy move gets 2! This AJ is crazy! Kaz over the top! High Low on Bentley! Uranage by Daniels on Bentley! Both go up! BME followed by a frog splash finishes it!

Winners: AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels

I bet if Traci was still in Bentley & Kazarian's corner they would have won that match. Fools!

Backstage, Larry Z yells at Eric Young for fouling up the lie detector stuff. JJ shows up and dresses down Young. He's one to talk with the ridiculous attire he's wearing. A backwards hat? WTF? Jarrett's sense of style always confuses me, but this get-up takes the cake. He sends Eric off to scout Samoa Joe. JJ & Larry Z talk about the town meeting, JJ wants Larry to get him out of the match or he'll have hell to pay.

Hey, it's Christy Hemme! Part of me hopes they'll find something to do with her other than tell us what's coming up, but part of me also likes her telling me what's coming up. I am conflicted. Commercial time!

No Surrender commercial

X-Division Match: "Mr. Personality" Chris Sabin vs. @Lx Shelley (without Johnny Devine)

The "Mr. Personality" nickname comes from my little protégé Ghetto, who often discusses with me the fact that Sabin has absolutely no charisma. It looks like TNA's trying to give him some personality by involving him with the "Jackass" gimmick…we'll have to see how that goes. On the other side you've got a guy with more charisma than 90% of the pro wrestlers out there in Shelley. Kevin Nash was supposed to give Chris Sabin the rub during his latest stint in TNA, but it turned out that Shelley got much more over by hanging out with Nash and being a smart-aleck than Sabin did by opposing Nash and being…well…lame. So I'm guessing this continues Project Get Chris Sabin Over Even If It Kills Us.

Sabin has new music for the first time in like three years…takes some getting used to. Tieup, arm wringer by Shelley, reversal, indy standoff! Senshi looks on from the entranceway. He faces Sabin at No Surrender and he's focused! Headlock by Sabin, Shelley gets out, arm bar, Sabin gets out, headlock again, off the ropes, shoulderblock, off the ropes, arm drag, arm drag by Shelley, another indy standoff! Shelley goes to work on Sabin now, or not, head scissors by Sabin, Shelley goes outside. More Senshi! Sabin with a suicide dive! Forearms back and forth in the ring, Shelley takes a shortcut raking the eyes. Snap mare, kick by Shelley gets 2. More Senshi! Shelley misses a lionsault. More Senshi! Both back up, Sabin hits a springboard dropkick, Shelley with a Yakuza kick in the corner! Tree of Woe! Dropkick by Sabin! Pin gets 2. While Sabin & Shelley continue to wrestle, Sonjay Dutt & Jay Lethal put Johnny Devine in a shopping cart and send it into the ringpost. Sabin then wins somehow. I'm confused! The replay shows me Sabin got a La Magistral while Shelley was looking at the same thing I was looking at. Weird. Those crazy Jackasses!

Winner: Chris Sabin

You know, if they called their group "The Jackasses", I'd support it. And is it just me or did we see more Senshi there than we have in a whole month? And where was the neck collar? Damn it man, put over your injuries!

Here's Tenay & West to talk about some more shiznit. I am a Don West fan, damn it! He's more excited about what he's talking about than any other announcer out there. They run down the No Surrender card.

Then we see a video package chronicling the recent difficulties between Rhino & Christian Cage. I gotta tell you, the video packages on this show have improved tenfold since the FSN days.

Still to come, Jim Cornette's town hall meeting…next is Hangman's Horror!

A Starr Is Born on October 22nd! I am looking forward to that for sure. No joke…the guy they're bringing in for that is the shit.

We see a video package hyping the Hangman's Horror match. Nice.

Hangman's Horror: Raven vs. Abyss (w/James Mitchell)

Those of you who haven't seen one of these before are probably asking yourselves "What in the blue hell is a Hangman's Horror match?" It's quite simple…there's a dog collar attached to a rope tied to the top rope on each side of the ring, you win the match by putting the dog collar around your opponent's neck and throwing them over the top rope, causing their air supply to cut off…if the opponent remains in this position long enough he will be unable to continue and you win the match. Raven invented the match, and has gone 1-1 in previous Hangman's Horror matches, with a victory over Vampiro and a loss to Sonjay Dutt. As for the reason behind this match, Raven's mad at Abyss because he's been beating up Brother Runt for a month or so. Raven created Runt along with the rest of the Dudleys in the old ECW, and he's always believed that nobody should be allowed to beat up his creations other than himself. It should also be noted that James Mitchell scalped Raven back in 2003, and Raven probably hasn't forgotten about that.

Abyss goes to Raven's entrance and takes the fight right to him. Some fighting in the crowd with Raven getting the advantage…Abyss whips Raven into some chairs. Raven fights back, it's just a big old brawl folks, good luck with me calling this one. Raven with a RLS into the guardrail. We're in the ring, and there's the bell! Good thing Raven's wearing a t-shirt….Abyss scores a shot to Raven just before the commercial!

And the commercials are also much better than they were on FSN…but that's just stating the obvious. Not as good as the ones during Ultimate Fighter though…between the Xyience girl and the Old Spice girl I was really fighting the urge to yank one off. OK, that's way too much information so I'll just shut up now. You know, bourbon has the tendency to make one say way more than he should say.

Bound For Glory commercial. If I had money I'd so go to Detroit for that.

We're back, and Abyss is taking it to Raven. Raven is busted open by gawd! Abyss gets crotched with a chair on the Tenta Splash (RIP), Raven with an Evenflow! He's got a dog collar on, trying to put another on…he goes outside and gets some weaponry, trash can lid to the head! Trash can to the head! Mitchell in the ring, uh oh……he put a dog collar around Mitchell, but Abyss attacked him from behind. Raven on a dog collar now, Abyss sends him outside! He hangs him! It's over!

Winner: Abyss

Abyss continues the hanging until Brother Runt comes in and hits Abyss with a chair! Play his brothers' music! He takes the collar off Raven and helps him up…wait a minute, Acid Drop on the floor on Raven! Looks like Runt isn't happy with Raven! I'm guessing it's because he doesn't like Raven saying he created him…I could be wrong though.

Bobby Roode talks to some Southern guy…I should probably know who it is, but quite frankly I have no clue. Send me e-mail and tell me who it is! For all I know it might have been Robert Fuller.

By the way, I could use some management myself, so if anybody who come up short in managing Roode wants to manage the next big thing in Internet wrestling journalism….I'm your guy! I need a manager, especially since 411 stiffed me on my last contract. Commercial time!

Borash is with LAX…Konnan cuts a promo on Styles & Daniels. 5150!

Promo for the "Why You Hate Jeff Jarrett" contest. I've always hated him, let me be in the lumberjack match!

Cornette is in the ring! We've got a town hall meeting, the Zone is rocking! He kisses the fans' asses, which is probably a good idea. JJ ranks in a popularity contest between Osama and crotch rot! Tremendous! He decides to re-hire Earl Hebner…I'm not sure if that's such a good idea, but Cornette gives him one more chance. Now he calls out Larry Zbyszko, and they'll have a closed door meeting to discuss his future. Cornette brings out his special guest for this meeting…..Samoa Joe! I've always liked Joe, he's good people. By the way, fans are surrounding the ring for this one. Joe says he's on a mission to punish JJ for crimes against TNA and crimes against the fans! Guess that makes him officially a babyface. JJ's ass belongs to Joe and the fans! He is the most feared man in this industry, and he will kill Jarrett! Here comes Larry Z…he's had his fill of Cornette, and claims he and the championship committee had TNA running well. He's not happy about the match with Jarrett and Joe…blah blah blah he's still on the committee, he wants JJ out of the match. Cornette ain't gonna have that, he's a no good stinkin crook, he might have to disband the championship committee, he might have to eject Larry Z! Oh, Joe goes to work on Zbyszko! The fans whip him! Oh noes! Here's JJ! He hit a fan with a chair and started whipping him! Oh that cad!

ADRENALINE RUSH!

And we are out! Quite frankly I thought it was a pretty good way to spend an hour. I'm a little drunk though, so send some e-mail and tell me if I'm right or wrong! Csonka will be back next week! Have a nice day!