The Impact Crater 09.21.06

Posted by Ryan Byers on 09.22.2006

I know I usually do the drinking game gimmick . . . but it doesn't seem appropriate for a show that actually almost drove me to drinking.

Well, if you haven't already read it elsewhere, in the past week TNA put out a statement saying that there would be a "huge announcement" on their next pay per view. Word of that announcement has already leaked out on the internet. I'm not going to say what it is because I don't want people bitch about me for posting "spoilers," but let me just say that it will be a great honor reviewing this program as it spirals in to oblivion.

A nice video package opens the show, recapping the Jeff Jarrett vs. Samoa Joe angle from last week. Unlike the angle, the package actually made the match between the two men seem important as opposed to making it look like Double J's beef was with Jim Cornette while Joe was just a background player. After that we go to the back for brief promos from Rhino and Monty Brown, who will face each other tonight in a falls count anywhere match. Christian interrupts Monty, and it looks like they may enter in to some sort of business relationship.

Jeff Jarrett is out as soon as we enter the Impact Zone. He blames the TNA fans and management for everything that's ever gone wrong in his life . . . having to face Joe, having to face Sting, his dog dying when he was eight, blah blah blah. Then he challenges anybody in Universal Studios to a fight, and sadly the rubber shark from the Jaws ride does not respond. It's Samoa Joe instead, but the big man is sent in to the rails and whipped with a leather strap. A "fan" tries to save Joe, so Jarrett grabs and whips him. (Ironically, after this segment was taped, a real fan decided to jump Jarrett and got smacked around. Footage is on YouTube.) That gives Joe time to recover and throw JJ in to the crowd, ramming him in to a few walls and giving him the Bionic Elbow. Jesus, they're turning Joe in to Dusty Rhodes. The undefeated star then gives the champ a big Yakuza kick to send him back over the railing, and Jeff is strapped at ringside. In the midst of this, we learn that Jarrett wears briefs and not boxers. However, because this is Planet Jarrett, Joe's dominance does not last long. He's hit with a guitar and then choked out with the instrument's neck, even going so far as to blade.

So do I need to tell anybody how horrendously stupid it is to have your undefeated "monster" wrestler get punked out by a hillbilly with a title belt? No? I didn't think so. Next thing you know they'll hire Vince Russ . . . oh, wait.

Now it's time for another LAX/Styles/Daniels video package. There were several of these throughout the night, and it actually made LAX seem like a bigger part of the promotion than Jarrett, Joe, Sting, Christian, or anybody else. I have no problem with that whatsoever. Daniels' line "We won't stop until each and every one of you is dead," is a little bit uncomfortable given that it's a white man with a shaved head saying it to a group of Latinos.

Match Numero Uno: Petey Williams vs. Jay Lethal

Clips of the Canadian Destroyer are shown during Petey's entrance, which I don't like. It's the only thing the guy has going for him, so wouldn't it make sense to make fans wait for the end of the match to see it instead of giving it to them in the beginning? Petey knocks Lethal out of the ring immediately and then hits a slingshot rana to the floor. Pacing, anybody? Back on the inside, Petey stands on his man's scrotum and pays homeage to his home country. A vertical suplex and chinlock are next from Williams, but Jay elbows out and gets a hiptoss to set up the carthwheel dropkick. A couple of lariats are next from the New Jersey native, but Williams sidesteps a moonsault bodyblock. Petey then goes for the Destroyer, but Lethal rolls out of it and gets a missile dropkick. He follows that up with a dropkick to his opponent's back and a SICK spike DDT. Hell, that should be his finisher . . . it at least looks like something that could end a real fight. Destroyer attempt number two doesn't work out because of a distraction by Sabin and Dutt. They have a bowling ball and distract the referee as Lethal rolls the sporting equipment in to Williams' nether regions. This supposedly ties in to Jackass 2, though it just reminded me of Al Snow. "He's bowling for balls!" yells Mike Tenay. That probably sounded a lot wittier in his head.

Match Thoughts: This was exactly like every other X Division match that I've watched since I started reviewing this show. Two men that nobody really gives a damn about are thrown out there and they try to do a bunch of moves to each other to get a reaction. It doesn't work because the Orlando crowd has already seen just about every move in the world, so the fans sit on their hands and the wrestlers destroy their bodies for nothing. This one also had the benefit of a lame finish. I'll probably get fifty angry e-mails telling me that I shouldn't watch TNA if I don't like what the X Division has to offer . . . but I don't care. I'll say it anyway: THIS SUCKED. 1/2*

After the match, it's a promo for the "I Hate Jeff Jarrett" contest with some assorted highlights from entries. My favorite is the one with the two dominatrixes who look like they both outweigh Samoa Joe. Easily. That's also on YouTube, by the way.

Hey, Christy Hemme's still employed! In related news, I have no clue why Christy Hemme is still employed.

Low Ki talks to Jeremy Borash after the commercial break, and Ki says that the Jackass tricks are not welcome here. Amen. Sabin, Dutt, and Lethal interrupt and look like the most obnoxious goofs in the world while doing so. I used to like Chris Sabin, but now I hope Ki kicks his teeth down his throat.

Match Numero Dos: Eric Young vs. Norman Smiley

Norman works the arm to start, but Young turns it in to a headlock and works in a shoulderblock. Smiley regains the advantage with a series of European uppercuts, but Eric fires back with his own version of Smiley's strut. That leads in to more European uppercuttery and Norman's butterfly suplex for two. At this point, a videotape falls out of Eric's pants, presumably because he was looking for footage of Sting last week. Young doesn't really sell it and instead hits his wheelbarrow neckbreaker for the pin.

Match Thoughts: They probably could have gone without even putting this match on, but at least it was inoffensive while it lasted. Hell, it was better than the X Division debacle that preceded it. 3/4*

Shane Douglas is in the back with Borash, and he puts over the ridiculously complicated gimmick match his Naturals will be in on Sunday. Young then runs in and says he needs to get his video to Jeff Jarrett because his career is on the line. Jeff will see the tape because JEREMY BORASH HAS A PLAN~! His plan is just to air the video after the commercial break. Well, that was a bit of a let down. I wanted wacky skits featuring JB trying to implement an incredibly contrived means of getting the tape to Jarret, perhaps involving a catapult.

When it does air, the tape features Eric Young looking for Sting, and it's HILARIOUS. Highlights include a citizen telling Young that he knows "Sting with the Police" and Showtime responding with "Sting got arrested?" Young also realizes about halfway through the tape that they're in LA, so he changes his sign to Spanish. Alex Shelley also does a fine job from behind the camera, chipping in with, "You know, when I did this, I just went to his house." This is the kind of segment that WWE creative needs to watch and learn from. It was funny without having to be drawn out and without having to resort to toilet humor or cheap racial stereotypes. It was like the anti-DX.

Match Numero Tres: Rhino vs. Monty Brown in a falls count anywhere match

It's a brawl right from the start, and Brown has the advantage by the time that we make it in to the ring. He hits a neckbreaker as Mike Tenay points out that Earl Hebner is here as our referee. He jaws with Brown, which results in the Alpha Male getting tossed from the ring. The wrestlers are back in the hexagonal squared circle after some ads, and so is a table. Brown gets some shoulders in the corner and presumably sets Rhino up for a superplex through the furniture, but the former ECW Champ fights it off. Brown tries for a TKO through the table instead, but Rhino blocks that too and hits a belly to belly. He sets up the table in the corner for a gore, but Monty moves out of the way and sends his opponent in to the wood. That only gets two for Brown, and Rhino comes back immediately with a spinebuster. He sets up for another gore, but Christian runs in and pulls him out of the ring. Xian and Rhino brawl, and Hebner calls for the bell . . . yes, we've got a DQ in a no DQ match. Phenomenal. Cage eventually gets a chair and wacks his future opponent with it, going as far as placing Rhino's head up against a wall and then hitting him with a chair in a con-chair-to variant.

Match Thoughts: This could have been something good, but that ridiculous finish just kills it for me. Seriously, if you're going to do a DQ finish, at least don't do it in NO DQ MATCH. Hell, it's not even like this contest gained a lot from being no DQ anyway. They could have done essentially the same stuff minus the table spot and not made themselves look like compete morons by throwing their own rules out the window just because it was convenient. Lame, lame, lame. DUD

Now it's time for Bobby Roode's manager interview of the week, this time with Sensational Sherri. She reels off the list of champions that she's managed, and Roode gets a dinner date out of the deal. I wonder if I'm the only person that remembers Sherri used to be romantically linked to last week's interviewee, Col. Robert Parker. It was actually my favorite "guilty pleasure" angle of all time, as the story was just so ridiculous but so campily acted that you couldn't help but love it. Parker had pursued Sherri for several weeks, but she hated his guts. Then, when she got him in the ring and went for a top rope move, she hit her head. This gave her a odd form of amnesia in which she remembered everything about her life . . . except she was now madly in love with the Colonel. Parker didn't care that he only won this woman's heart due to what was essentially mental illness, so they got married. Somehow this ended up with Parker dressing like a French Legionnaire on a weekly basis. WCW, we hardly knew ye.

Borash is with a bloody Samoa Joe, which is not an assignment that I would want to take on. He says he'll spill a bucket of blood for every drop that Jarrett spilled tonight. Joe was good and intense here, and, combined with the video package, the match now actually feels like a big deal. Unfortunately, they should've done that several weeks before the pay per view instead of several days before the pay per view.

Now we've got LAX in the ring with a Latino fiesta. They've got a Mariachi band, some lovely ladies, some pinatas, and, oh yeah, they're hanging Uncle Sam in effigy. Konnan tells us that the US Constitution has some fine print in it, saying that all men are created equal so long as you're white. However, Latinos are taking over right now, and they're "not just west of Mississippi anymore." Then he starts beating Uncle Sam, and Daniels and Styles finally run in. Daniels is still dressing like middle management. The good guys dispatch Homicide and Hernandez before cornering Konnan . . . only to have the tag champs ambush them seconds later. Konnan's slapjack turns the tide, and the Angel is tossed from the ring as AJ is blasted with a kendo stick. Hernandez then takes down the Uncle Sam dummy and hangs Styles upside down from the Ultimate X cables before beating him like a "human pinata" according to Tenay. Homicide gets in a great kick to the head for good measure. That's the show, kids.

Overall

I know Comic Book Guy inspired hyperbole is all the rage on the internet, but this really may have been the worst Impact ever. The LAX angle did deliver and I love the fact that they're being treated like the top act in the promotion, but that's about where the positives of the episode end. Jarrett getting over on Samoa Joe is not the right move when it comes to promoting the pay per view or for Joe's career long term. The X Division match was insanely formulaic in a division that used to be all about innovation. The movie tie-ins have made three likeable wrestlers in to bad jokes. The Brown/Rhino match was awful and was made even worse by a finish that had to have been selected by an individual with ADD. Though a few small things did deliver, the big picture is completely out of focus in TNA right now. This company needs to reevaluate its priorities, trim some fat, and focus on actually making money instead of attempting to placate all of its roster. We're not quite at WCW Thunder levels of suck yet, but we're getting there.

Sadly, things are probably going to get a lot worse before they get any better.