The RAWtopsy - 10.02.06
Posted by J.D. Dunn on 10.02.2006
DX takes over the show, and Edge gets another shot at Cena.
Much content this week. St. Louis and Georgia Championship wrestling. Plus, 2006's "31 Years, 31 Screams" kicks off with the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Lots of sweaty Jessica Biel.
WWE Raw by J.D. Dunn
October 2, 2006
Live from Topeka, Kan.
Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.
D-Generation X leads us off with a serious, somber question. "Are you ready to suck iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit?" Jonathon Coachman interrupts. Tell me his theme music isn't catchy. I dare you. Coach doesn't exactly get the hometown pop. He orders DX to compete in a Texas Tornado Handicap match with The Highlanders, Vis & Charlie and Murdoch & Cade.
Texas Tornado Handicap Match: D-Generation X vs. The Highlanders, Cade & Murdoch, and Viscera & Haas.
The heels and Highlanders attack early, but the Highlanders get tossed early. Viscera accidentally squashes Haas. Cade inadvertently nails Rory with the lariat, causing a rift between the Highlanders and the cowboys. HBK drops the Picture-Perfect Elbow on Haas and hits Sweet Chin Music. That sets up the Pedigree at 2:59. 1/2*
Coach pitches a fit and reminds them that he runs the show, so DX decides to turn their wrath on him.
Intercontinental Title: Johnny Nitro (w/Melina) vs. Jeff Hardy.
JR mentions that Hardy left the WWE because he was "burned out." Hardy takes Jeff down with a hooking clothesline and launches himself out on top of Nitro as we go to break. We come back to Hardy fighting back, but he splats on his face, giving Nitro the advantage once again. Nitro slaps on a surfboard, but Hardy breaks it with the reverse mulekick. Jeff gets two off the Whisper in the Wind. Nitro bails but gets hit with the rail runner. Melina also gets taken out in the fray. Hardy backdrops Nitro off the top rope and hits the Swanton for the win and the title at 10:37! These two have good chemistry (relative to the chemistry they have with other wrestlers). **1/4
In the back, DX tries to gain entrance to Jonathon Coachman's office (using more pop culture references in sixty seconds than I do in an entire column). Coach is holed up, though.
Maria has brought back the shiny teal top. Nice. She gets a word with Jeff Hard. That word? Marzipan! Hardy says he's going to be a target for Carlito and the rest, but that's okay because no one's going to strip him of the title. Strip?! That makes Maria think of Extreme Strip Poker on ECW. Poker? I don't even know her! Melina interrupts and screams something, but I can't hear what it is because of all the dog's barking in the neighborhood.
Coach gets some over-the-phone advice from Vince McMahon, and finally exits his office. Damned if he doesn't run right into Triple H and Shawn Michaels. The Enrico Marricone music kicks in (seriously), so Coach runs through the women's locker room and winds up in another room with Greased-Up Stripper Guy. The hilarity ends with Coach getting stuffed in a garbage cart and wheeled off. OH THAT WACKY DX!
DX finds The Spirit Squad and tells them to change their attire to comply with the new dress code.
Umaga (w/Armando Alejandro Estrada) vs. Snitsky.
Snitsky sidesteps a charge but goes after Armando. That allows Umaga to hit the Samaon Spike, the buttalanche and the Samoan Spike for the win at 1:09. You know, is it really worth the time it takes to put on that make-up for a 1:09 squash? 1/4*
More "Marine" highlights.
Randy Orton vs. Carlito.
Orton stomps Carlito's knee out from under him and tries to break his wrist. Orton works the arm a bit more but stops to play to the crowd, allowing Carlito to hit a rana. Orton goes right back to the arm. Carlito comes back with a springboard back elbow and a clothesline for two. A springboard senton and quebrada (Litosault!) get two. Carlito springboards into a crossbody, but Orton rolls through with a handful of tights for the win at 4:06. *1/2
The Spirit Squad refuses to come out of their locker room, so DX threatens to strip them of the tag titles. More pop culture references.
Cryme Tyme steals a donut from the po-po.
Nicky (w/the Spirit Squad) vs. Sgt. Slaughter
The SS are dressed as female cheerleaders, complete with tiny little skirts. Did Congressman Foley pick those out? Lawler makes fun of the Squad for having visible skidmarks on their underwear. Here's a rhetorical question. How can the WWE target audience need hair color for men and still enjoy poop jokes? Slaughter dominates early with the Cobra Clutch. Nicky reverses a whip, sending Sarge to the floor in his patented spot. Back in, Nicky grabs a sleeper, but Sarge reverses to another Cobra Clutch. DX appears onscreen as Nicky makes his comeback. Hunter says Nicky forgot his thong which distracts Nicky long enough for Slaughter roll him up for the win at 3:06. 1/2*
Women's Championship Tournament, Round One: Mickie James vs. Victoria.
They have to wrestle in lingerie by order of DX. Victoria works Mickie's lower back but takes an elbow to the jaw. They have a little fracas on the mat before Mickie makes starts throwing clotheslines. Victoria counters a rana to a Boston Crab (dropping Mickie on her neck in the process), but Mickie rolls her away. Mickie goes up for a sunset flip off the top, but Victoria squats down on her with a handful of ropes. ONE, TWO, THRE-the ref catches Victoria cheating. He forces her to break, allowing Mickie to finish the move at 2:51. 3/4*
DX interrupts Eric Bischoff's gratuitous book plug. Bischoff says that DX was nothing more than a blatant rip-off of the n-W-o. Hunter stops to make fun of Chris Masters' rapid weight loss (you know, if you want to have a good Wellness policy, you probably shouldn't make fun of people for adhering to it). Shawn ponders whether they really were an n-W-o ripoff. As I recall, DX actually worked for a living, so there's at least one difference…brother.
WWE Heavyweight Title, Cage Match: Edge (w/Lita) vs. John Cena.
Decidedly positive response for Cena tonight. Edge goes after Cena's arm early, but Cena takes the advantage with brawling tactics. Edge goes for the door but gets backdrop suplexed for two. Edge reverses the FU to the Edgecution and goes back to the arm. Cena hits the Throwback for two and goes up. Edge catches him and drags him back down across the top rope, hurting his arm further. They brawl on the top rope, and Cena gets a facebuster to the canvas! We go to commercial break, and when we come back, Edge is holding a Guillotine Stretch. Cena powers into a belly-to-belly suplex for two, but Edge hits a spinning wheel kick for two of his own. Edge goes up and gets to the top of the cage, but Cena catches up with him and pulls him back down. They fight on the top rope again, and Edge backdrop superplexes Edge back to the canvas. ONE, TWO, TH-NO! Edge gets crotched on the top rope, and Cena makes his big comeback. FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! Edge blocks the FU and rams Cena's face into the cage. Edge gets caught going up again, but Cena counters his Electric Chair to the FU, but then Edge counters that to the Edge-o-Matic for two. Lita hands a chair in to Edge and gets tossed by the referees for it. Instead of using the chair, Edge goes for a clothesline and takes out the referee. His chairshot misses, and Cena knocks him out with a Barry Bonds-ish shot. STFU, but the ref is out. Cade & Murdoch run down and give Cena the Veg-o-matic, but they can't pull Edge's carcass out of the ring before DX runs down and takes them out. Shawn kicks Murdoch into the door, which then slams into Edge's face. That stuns him enough for Cena to wake up and hit the FU for the pin at 19:10. Good booking at the end here. ***1/4
Final Thoughts: Not exactly a thrilling episode outside of a decent main event from Edge & Cena. If the show was actually based around them (and I don't mean just clips from the last six months), the show would be more interesting. Instead, we get the wacky, pre-pubescent hijinx of DX, which were fine ten years ago, but you can only see a man dressed up as a woman so many times before it gets old. I liked the pop culture references, though.
