The Impact Crater 11.30.06

Posted by Ryan Byers on 12.01.2006

I'm back with a look at the one storyline that TNA is actually doing right and a massive tangent on what's wrong with tag team wrestling in 2006.

Well, here I am yet again for the Impact Crater. For the unaware, I'm coming off of a two week hiatus due to some career commitments followed by the glorious holiday of Thanksgiving. Speaking of thanks, I have to give some to Michael Melchor, who filled in during my absence.

What will the post-turkey day Impact bring to us? Let's find out.

The promo that SpikeTV runs for Impact during the CSI closing credit's promises us the two hour special from two weeks ago with Kurt Angle wrestling in TNA for the first time. Who says that this company is reminiscent of WCW?

Last week, LAX destroyed AMW and Petey Williams until Kurt Angle made the save. Then Joe challenged him to a rematch, which he accepted so long as Joe watched his back. Meanwhile, Jim Mitchell told Sting that they were one and the same . . . though Christian interrupted that party. Oh yeah, and Tomko rejoined his old pal. Wake me up when they get Trish back with that unit.

A random blonde chick is interviewing LAX backstage at the beginning of the show. Konnan is still angry and still awesome. He attempts to say that TNA is infringing on his First Amendment rights, which proves that he has no clue how the First Amendment works.

Christian and Travis/Tyson Tomko are the first men out of the fallopian tubes this week, and they're wearing matching skullcaps. Awww. Tomko is deifnitely back up to his pre-wellness size and maybe even a little bit bigger. Christian lets us know that TNA has put him in a three way for main event of the next pay per view. He'll be taking on Abyss and Sting for the NWA Title, and he says that he'll take out both of his opponents tonight so that he's the only man left come the big show. He intimates that there's some sort of past relationship between Abyss and Tomko. The monster appears, and Xian reels off the line of the night by referring to Jim Mitchell as "Albano." Abyss stands around, and it looks like Sting is going to rappel from the ceiling . . . but it's just a dummy. The real Sting tries to jump the heels while they're distracted, but they just run off. The Stinger steals their mic and says that he wants to talk to Abyss man to man with no Jim Mitchell present. That will apparently happen later in the show. This was actually a solid opening interview segment, as it said everything that needed to be said without dragging on any longer than it needed to. If this were on another program that we're all familiar with, it would have been stretched to twenty minutes and not nearly as effective as a result. That's one of the reasons that I fear TNA getting two hours.

The Voodoo Kin Mafia is hanging out in the woods, supposedly in front of Titan Towers. They demand that Vince signs a cease and desist order, which proves that they have no clue how cease and desist orders work.

Christy Hemme is still employed and STILL USELESS.

After the commercial, they show us what happened during the commercial. LAX got James Storm to lay under a ladder and bite down on a condom full of blood.

Match Numero Uno: Chris Sabin vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Jay Lethal

The winner of this one gets an X Division Title shot, and Chris Daniels is on commentary. He's interrupted by another Chris (Harris) who vows revenge for his fallen partner. Then the bell rings, and Sabin is ping ponged early by his friends. Wait, are they still his friends? It's impossible to tell on this show anymore. The faces continue to double team the heel, and Jay Lethal misses a standing moonsault by a mile. He's visibly pissed off, but he starts doing highspots with Dutt seconds later. Jay hits his cartwheel dropkick on Sonjay after Sabin is tossed out of the ring, and then the Jersey native cuts off the Future's attempt to springboard back in to the ring. Dutt takes over at this point, getting the Asai DDT on Lethal but screwing up on a springboard and getting caught in the dragon suplex. Sabin comes out of nowhere, tosses Lethal out of the ring, and steals the pin on Dutt to become the number one contender.

Match Thoughts: This was really just a Dutt/Lethal match with Sabin standing on the sidelines and periodically doing something to remind us that he existed. As far as Sonjay and Jay are concerned, I've seen the work together before, and it actually turned out pretty well. However, this was not their night. Not at all. In addition to the horrendous botched spot by Lethal, everything that they were doing in there looked like it was a half step slower than usual and like it was coming dangerously close to missing. It looked like the worst of indy wrestling as opposed to something that should be a part of a national promotion's prime time telecast. DUD. However, I will say that the Sabin heel turn has been one of the only bright spots of Russo's run in TNA. As a face, he seemingly had no charisma whatsoever, but it's just oozing out of him in heel mode. Plus he's one of the few people who seems to understand that, as a heel, you just can't wrestle the same style as a face. He's completely changed up his game, doing a bunch of excellent old school heel spots like tonight's pinfall theft instead of the usual jumping and springboarding and flipping and flopping. In short, Chris Sabin is awesome. The other guys I could take or leave.

Before the commercial, Chris Harris is beaten up by LAX and tied to some stairs. So much for his vow of revenge.

The Mafia are back, and some guy in the trunk of their car hands them a traffic cone. They try to use it as a megaphone to yell at Titan Towers, as though that would actually work. They say a bunch of stuff that is just not funny. Then, back in the Impact Zone, Traci Brooks is yelling at fans to see if they know where Eric Young is. Wouldn't a TNA official be a better person to ask about that?

Now Jeremy Borash is in the back plugging TNA DVDs and toys. BULLSHIT! THIS SHOULD BE DON WEST'S JOB! BRING BACK GENESIS CENTRAL!

Mike Tenay conducted a sit down interview with AJ Styles prior ot the show. Tenay tries to figure out why AJ does not trust Chris Daniels or Rhino, and Styles doesn't answer any of his questions. What is TNA's fascination with starting rivalries between men and not explaining why the hatred exists? Eventually the Phenomenal One starts yelling about how he was poor white trash when he grew up. I don't know how this ties in to him hating Rhino or getting angry at Mike Teny. Rhino "just happens to be walking by" as the interview is conducted, so he interrupts. He says that he was also poor growing up, and he does want AJ Styles to make the same mistakes that he did when he was younger. WHAT MISTAKES? WHY DO THESE MEN HATE EACH OTHER? WHY DOES NOTHING ON THIS DAMN SHOW MAKE ONE LICK OF SENSE?!

Thank god for the commercial break, because I was going to put my fist through a wall if that idiocy continued.

After the break, the X Division is being drug tested by Kevin Nash. He says that nobody has any steroids in their system but that Alex Shelley has the clap. Next week there will be some sort of psychological evaluation.

Match Numero Dos: Alex Shelly & Austin Aries vs. Ron Killings & Lance Hoyt

Shelley and Aries try to jump Killings at the outset, but Hoyt intervenes. Everybody brawls, highlighted by Killings hitting an inverted powerbomb on Shelley. Aries tries to hit the Truth with a flying back rake, but Hoyt takes Austin's head off with a big boot that sends him to the outside. Both of the bad guys are then wiped out by a Killings pescado, as Eric Young arrives on the scene and the fans tell him to go find Traci Brooks. Meanwhile, in the ring, Hoyt misses a big boot in the corner on Aries. Austin goes up top and tries to finish him off, but Shelley steals a tag, causing them to argue. Despite the miscommunication, Shlley still manages to roll up Hoyt and pin him with a handful of tights. Then things get really dumb, as Aries grabs Shelley's camcorder and uses it to show the ref that his partner cheated. The referee reverses his decision because of that and gives the victory to Hoyt and Killings.

Match Thoughts: When it comes to technical merit, the match wasn't given the time to be anything other than a DUD. When it comes to the booking, we may have reached a point even lower than the Rhino/AJ Styles confrontation. Theoretically Aries has just as much to gain from a tag team victory as Alex Shelley would, since they are members of a team and all. Besides, didn't Kevin Nash say just three minutes ago that he wanted his team to win? And didn't this whole angle start when Aries was Nash's favorite, potentially leading to a face turn for Shelley? Does Aries hate both Shelley and Nash now? Will Nash hate Aries as a result of his actions? Will this company ever shoot an angle that leaves me with more answers than questions?

After the match, Traci Brooks is shown with Eric Young. She says that he'll be fired unless he accepts her challenge to face him in a bikini contest. Since Eric is Eric, he falls for it.

An eye catching video plays hyping a new team coming to TNA. It's not made clear who they are, but they say they're going to bring suffering to the company. Too late. I've been suffering ever since Russo got the book.

VKM are still up to their wacky antics in Connecticut, as it's now 1:30 AM according to a handy on-screen graphic. They sleep with each other under a Spongebob Squarepants blanket and then make fun of DX for doing a segment with a fat male stripper. Seriously, TNA, you have no right to mock anybody for putting on bad television. And two men who were just under the covers together have to right to mock anybody for latent homosexuality. That's like the cast of Little People, Big World cutting a promo on Rey Misterio for being too short to draw money.

Back in the Impact Zone, Sting has returned to talk to Abyss. The champion does appear, and he is without James Mitchell. Sting says that, over the past four years, he's watched Abyss claw his way up from the bottom to become NWA World Champion. Mr. Borden then questions why Abyss allows Mitchell to lead him around and implies that Jesus Christ will be able to save the monster from the torment that he's going through. Then, in a true sign of Russo booking, Sting BREAKS KAYFABE~! and refers to Abyss as "Chris." The Sinister Minister interrupts via video wall at this point, again saying that Sting and Abyss are one and the same. Sting leaves the ring, letting Abyss contemplate what he just said . . . but, before the champ as the opportunity to do so, Christian and Tyson/Travis Tomko jump him from behind. Sting turns around and makes the save, but Abyss leaves the ring with Mitchell instead of accepting a handshake from the preacher man.

You know, I'm not a Christian, so I was ready to start slamming the Sting/Abyss angle as soon as it became apparent that religion was going to get dragged in to it. However, over the last several weeks, it's been the only angle in TNA that has a.) made sense and b.) actually managed to hold my interest. First of all, it's something different – but still rooted in logic unlike all of the other things that TNA has recently been doing in order to be "different." Furthermore, the promos surrounding it have all been excellent. Jim Mitchell is a top notch stick man when you give him main event level material to work with, and that's exactly what this is. On top of that, you've got Sting, a man that has never really been good at cutting serious promos. But when you put him in a situation like this one, where he has a legitimate passion underlying what he says, he comes off as a compelling, believable character. That's what professional wrestling needs in order to be successful and what it has been missing for so long: compelling, believable characters. Hopefully this story stays on its present course.

Random backstage chick is interviewing Petey Williams. She's approximately 6" taller than he is. Unfortunately, we only get to look at that hilarious visual for two seconds, as LAX jumps Petey from behind and leaves him laying.

Match Numero Tres: LAX (c) vs. Kurt Angle for the NWA Tag Team Championship

The announcers say that this was supposed to be Petey Williams and Kurt Angle challenging, though I don't recall that match being mentioned once prior to this segment. Williams, of course, is out of action due to his earlier run-in with the champions. Hernandez starts with Angle, and Kurt works a headlock. Hotstuff gets one of his own and hits a clothesline, but the gold medalist responds with an overhead belly-to-belly. That sets up a tag to Homicide, and here's a surreal little matchup. It's almost like watching CM Punk team with Triple H. Angle goes for the Olympic Slam early, but Hernandez runs in from behind and clips his opponent's knee. Homicide works over the limb for a little bit, and here comes Samoa Joe. He stands in Angles' corner instead of beating the hell out of him. Meanwhile, Hernandez cranks on a chinlock. Kurt does the stereotypical babyface power-out and lands a back suplex on the big man. That leads to a double KO spot, which seems misplaced given that this match has been going on for all of two minutes. Eventually Joe is tagged in, and he bulldozes both members of LAX, though he's looking a little sloppy tonight, barely hitting the senton and almost dropping Homicide on the powerslam. The Notorious 187 goes for a Diamond Cutter on Joe, but the Samoan blocks it and locks on his choke. Angle gets the ankle lock on Hernandez, and both members of LAX tap out simultaneously. However, before they can even celebrate their title win, Jim Cornette runs out and rules that the match is a no contest because Joe was not an official participant. It's a screwy finish, but in a way it's the finish that makes the most sense.

Match Thoughts: This match took one of my biggest problems with tag team wrestling in 2006 and put it on full display for the world to see. I used to go off on this rant all the time when I was doing video reviews for the site, but I haven't have the opportunity for a while, so I may as well do it one more time.

Okay. We're all familiar with the standard tag team format. One team, usually the good guys, have the advantage early on. Then something happens, resulting in the good guy losing their advantage. The bad guys manage to isolate one of the good guys and work him over, making it incredibly difficult for him to make a tag to his partner. However, the isolated man eventually DOES accomplish the impossible. He makes the tag and his fresh partner runs wild, usually segueing in to a big brawl and then it to whatever the planned finish is. This format works insanely well when you're doing matches over ten minutes long. However, at some point in wrestling history, men got it in to their heads that EVERY tag team match must fit this format, no matter how long it is or who the men involved are. However, when you try to cram the typical formula in to a shorter match – one that is five, three, or even two minutes long – it looks completely contrived. The wrestling playing "face in peril" is usually only beaten on for thirty seconds to a minute, which is a beating that he would normally be able to absorb before making his own comeback if this were a singles match. Thus, the "hot tag" means nothing when it is finally reached. The hot tag is then devalued EVEN FURTHER, because instead of fighting for it and having to make several unsuccessful attempts before eventually winning out, the good guy will usually get it on his first go. It's like the wrestlers are just going through the motions of this formula because they know it is the formula instead of actually thinking about what they're doing and whether it would make sense.

That's exactly what happened in this match. Angle got beaten on for a relatively minor period of time but had to sell it like he was a dead man in order to set up the "hot" tag. And I had to put "hot" in quotation marks because it wasn't actually hot at all. The crowd sat in silence when Joe tagged in, and it wasn't because they don't like him. It was because the tag didn't mean anything because it wasn't built to. It was a tag for the sake of a tag.

I also have a problem with the booking of this in addition to the technical merits of the match. (You're shocked, I know.) It's clear that at least a portion of the Impact Zone crowd was really in to LAX as cool heels and would be ready to cheer them as all out babyfaces within the next couple of months. In fact, they were chanting "bullshit" when Vince Russo attempted to strip them of the Tag Team Championship at the last pay per view. So, what does TNA do with this incredibly hot act? They have them beaten by Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe . . . but they're not just beaten. They're beaten DECISIVELY. We're talking humbled, folks. Granted, Joe and Angle are portrayed as the two best guys in the company. However, in terms of crowd reaction, LAX was probably the number three act between those two. If that's the case, why give away a confrontation between them on free television with no build? And, even if you do give it away, why clearly establish who the better of the two teams is? Why not hype up another match further down the road, perhaps on a show that will actually make the company money when people buy it?

DUD, just DUD.

Overall

Despite all of my harsh words for the show, I'll say that TNA was actually better this week than it was prior to my little hiatus. However, it was better for one reason and one reason only – that being the three way feud between Christian, Sting, and Abyss. Though I think the Sting-Abyss title change was a remarkably bad idea, the story that has risen out of it has been nothing short of great thusfar, and it's the one bright spot amid a television program that is otherwise wretched. The in ring action is next to nonexistent, the reasons behind angles are rarely explained, and five million men are being featured heavily on TV when the focus should really be on eight to ten. Hopefully the Sting/Abyss plot continues to thicken and take up the majority of the television time. If it doesn't, then this program will be back to the worthless heap of junk that it was prior to the prime time jump.