The RAWtopsy - 12.18.06
Posted by J.D. Dunn on 12.18.2006
So much great material, they can't legally justify only two hours.
Still working on the Armageddon review.
On a completely unrelated, and certainly completely legal tangent, if I were trying to uncompress a bunch of .rar files and kept getting an error message along with an incomplete file, it would probably be because one of those files was corrupt, right?
Speaking of me not knowing what I'm doing, "Raw" was apparently on from 6-9pm and not 7-10pm as I set my DVR for. I'm thinking I missed about six or seven Bowflex commercials, 20 "Black Christmas" commercials, and something involving the Burger King. Thankfully, they replay most of the early parts of the show throughout the night, and someone was nice enough to e-mail me excerpts from Kenny the Intern's diary.
The funny thing is someone mentioned in one of the forums that I frequent that it looked like I don't put any effort into the RAWtopsy anymore. I would have argued, but let's face it, my own personal recap workrate has suffered over the past semester – possibly from an inconvenient college and work schedule and from a general apathy toward anything that's going on. I've been going through the motions. Walking through the part. Nothing seems to penetrate my…heart! I was always "smart" and so self-righteous, now I find I'm wavering. Watch some ROH, you find these fights just do-on't mean a thing. I ain't got that swing.
Larry, Cook, & Melchor: He does pretty well with CMLL, but lately we can tell that he's just going through the motions, faking it somehow.
Meehan: He's not even half the recapper he (chairshot)…ow!
Ahem. Anyway…
I have a lot of other stuff for you, though. The Top Ten Matches of 2006 will be out soon. There are a ton of WWE and ROH reviews in the pipe. A big shoot interview. Plus, I'm working on a few columns and another in the continuing series of Spidey reviews. You know I'd never let you down, baby.
Uh…lots of stuff happened. Lots of guys barely able to move. Shawn Michaels gets fired up and shakes his fists, thinking Edge has been eliminated. There goes Randy Orton & Lance Cade. Edge is still legal, though, and tosses him over the top, though, to move on. Anywhere close?
At some point, Melina and her breasts, OJ and Robert Blake ('cuz they're killers!), ask Coach to help them get some revenge on the Hardyz.
More unimportant stuff. I'm guessing DX did something funny, and Charlie Haas decried the portrayal of the black man in Hollywood.
Kenny the Intern's Day
Edge: Hey, Katherine. Here ya go. Edge tosses him a giant black garbage bag. Kenny: What's this? Kenny starts to open it. Edge: Oh, I wouldn't do that, Newbie. It's every condom that Lita and I have used since we've been together. I want you to FedEx it to this address. Edge hands him an address card. Kenny: Who do you know in North Carolina? Edge: Less talkie, more sendie, Marcia.
So here's where I tune in.
Handicap Match: Johnny Nitro & The World's Greatest Tag Team (w/Melina) vs. The Hardy Boyz.
Jeff's injuries from last night prevent him from getting appropriately funky. Shelton goes after Matt's injured arm early. TWGTT team up to work Jeff's back. The Hardyz fire back, though, and Matt hits a moonsault from the top rope to the floor. We come back from commercial to Haas grabbing a chinlock on Jeff. The heels get caught cheating. What the hell, referee?! Start doing your job and ignore that kind of stuff. Melina gets a few shots in, of course. Jeff escapes trouble and gets the HOT TAG TO MATT! GAHLLY, SGT. CARTER! Matt clears the ring by himself, but the numbers catch up with the Hardys as Benjamin shoves Matt into Haas, who snaps Matt's neck off the top rope. Matt is so stunned he stumbles back into a schoolboy rollup from Shelton. Given Shelton's racially sensitive gimmick, though, it should probably be a schoolman gimmick. Nitro continues a one-man beatdown on the Hardyz. **1/2
Armando Alejandro Estrada says they definitely want John Cena at "New Year's Revolution." See, this is why they don't think ahead. Given the months of build up toward Cena vs. Umaga, is their any possibility that Edge is walking out with the title tonight? And if there's not, haven't they just wasted about an hour and a half of show? This is a spot where you either go with Shawn or tease a face turn for Edge or Umaga so there's at least a smidgeon of doubt about the outcome tonight. I like the word "smidgeon."
In the back, Nitro and Melina gloat about their win and run into Kevin Federline in the back. Nitro asks what he's doing here, and K-Fed's all, "I work here now, yo." Melina gives K-Fed a hug because he's so brave.
We stop everything to promote Sylvester Stallone's "Rocky Balboa" about a 50 year-old fighter who holds on too long. Or, as we know it, "The Ric Flair Story."
Kenny the Intern's Day
Edge:**whistlewhistle** Hey, Britney, I need you to go get Lita some coffee. Randy:(over Edge's shoulder) Yeah, get her some coffee! Kenny: But, um…Lita hasn't worked here in a month. Edge: Don't argue, Courtney. Randy: Yeah, don't argue! Edge: And that brings me to my second task. Put this on. Edge hands him a red wig. Randy: Put it on! Edge: Cream and two sugars. Randy:(using his index and pinky fingers like the principal in "The Breakfast Club") Two…sugars. Kenny sighs and puts on the red wig.
Ric Flair vs. Kenny Dykstra.
"Ken Dykstra." Oh, come on! Who are the other former Spirit Squad members? "Nicky Mantle?" "Johnny DiMaggio?" Kenny takes a few chops before gaining the advantage off a suplex on the outside. Back in, Kenny kills time with a surfboard. You know, Newbie, if you could pah-hossibly give any less effort, you might have a future as a fact checker for Fox News Channel. Flair avoids the flying legdrop and goes for a kneebreaker, but Kenny slips over his shoulder into a sunset flip for the win at 5:10. Post-match, Flair offers a handshake, but Kenny refuses, saying he's the new man now. That's all well and good, but what does a victory over Flair mean anymore. *
Kenny's Inner Monologue:Although I felt bad about refusing to shake Dr. Flair's hand, I knew Edge would never let me live it down. In many ways, I craved his approval more than any other man's. I-I don't think that's gay at all. Although I do wonder how his hair gets so shiny. **loving sigh**.
WWE Heavyweight Championship: John Cena vs. Edge.
Actually, the smart thing to do would be to go with a draw here to set up Edge getting a rematch at the Royal Rumble. Cena gets a quick boot but charges into Edge's boot. We call that Reebokarma. Edge gets two off a neckbreaker. The crowd is on fire, but it's one of those ROH/TNA dueling chants. They collide in mid-ring for a double KO as we go to break. We come back to Cena headbutting his way out of a chinlock. Edge segues to a Crucifix Armbar. Cena knees out of it and hits the Throwback. Edge jumps over a Cena charge but takes a clothesline on the rebound. Cena with the spinning backdrop. YOU CAN'T SEE ME! FIVE-KNUCKLE…Edge moves. "Ahhhhh…ahhhhh…ahhhhh…ahhhhh…ahhhhh." SPEAR BY EDGE! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Cena has his arm on the ropes. Cena blocks a superplex and hits a super Famasser for two. FIVE-KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! Edge slips out of the FU but gets reverse suplexed. The ref gets bumped, allowing Randy Orton to run in and hit the RKO. The ref is still out, so DX comes down, and HHH hits Edge with the Pedigree. The ref stops to read "War and Peace," but Edge just took the Pedigree, so he's not going anywhere. ONE, TWO, THREE! Cena retains at 14:05. Cena goes out and thanks DX as Randy does the most overblown pouting gesture ever. Well, okay, there's always Vince McMahon. Let's try that again. Cena goes out and thanks DX as Randy does the second-most overblown pouting gesture ever. Really good free-TV match until the clichéd ref bump. ***1/2
Cryme Tyme wants to know what's really hood. They call Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin a couple of haters (or "haterz," if you prefer). They bring out a character witness…George W. Bush! And damned if he doesn't get more heel heat than K-Fed. Well, okay, it's not him. For one thing, he's better-spoken. Considering the vast number of possibilities, this was pretty disappointing until "George" started dancing to Cryme Tyme's music and flipping off the crowd.
Kenny the Intern's Day
Kenny: I got your coffee. Edge: Uh…what's this? Randy: Yeah, what in the hell is this?! Kenny: It's…coffee. Edge: You put the coffee in first and then the cream, didn't you? Randy: Did you put the coffee in first?! Kenny: Yes. Edge: Lita likes the cream on the bottom. Randy: Cream on the bottom, Lenny! Edge: Kenny. Randy: Kenny. Cream…(whispering) on the bottom. Randy makes the "I got my eyes on you" gesture. Kenny: Okay. I have to go back downstairs. Edge: I guess you do. Randy: Pfft. I guess so. Once outside, Kenny crosses his hands over his heart and looks up to heaven. Kenny: He called me "Kenny." Kenny bites his fist to hold back tears.
Non-Title: Victoria vs. Mickie James.
So will she be Mickie Dykstra. Actually, I think I saw Mickie Dykstra in a movie with Nikki Nova and Evan Stone. Victoria drives Mick to the corner and delivers a superplex for two. She works in a Goku-Raku Stretch. If nothing else, Vicky watches tape. Mickie gets a few rollups that threaten to turn the match into a porno movie. Victoria drop toeholds Mickie into the bottom buckle to take over. Mickie finds the Glow and hits a martial arts chop. She counters a spinning side suplex to a headscissors, but Victoria hangs her on the ropes and punts her in the face like she did with Candice. THAT BIOTCH IS KERRRAZY! The Widow's Peak finishes at 4:23. Not half bad. Victoria checks off Mickie's name from her list and then adds "Women's Championship." *1/2
Kevin Federline comes out to explain that "K-Fed" is just a media persona, but the real Kevin Federline will be showing up on January 1. Oh my God! He's shooting. Someone cut his mic! He's using real names! SMAAAAARK! JR acts as if this somehow changes things. Hey, he could pull his shirt up over his head and call himself "Cornholio," he'd still be the guy chasing his five or six illegitimate kids around his trailer, asking them if they want a "sammitch."
Six-Man Tag: Umaga, Edge & Randy Orton (w/Armando Alejandro Estrada) vs. John Cena, Triple H & Shawn Michaels.
I kind of like the Rated RKO mash-up entrance music. "Hey! Nothing you can see clearly. Everything has come what you've done to me!" Edge plays heel-in-peril for a spell before tagging in Randy Orton. Shawn hits the flying forearm and kip up right into Umaga's clothesline. Ross and Lawler wonder whether Umaga even knows how to wrestle in a tag match. If only he had been part of a tag team earlier in his career. Shawn hits a desperation back suplex. HOT TAG TO HUNTER! Hunter outslugs Umaga and spinebusters Orton. There goes Edge over the top. Umaga cuts him off with the Samoan Spike and drops Shawn with the Press Samoan Drop. Cena shoulderblocks Umaga to the floor, and they brawl on one side as Edge knocks Hunter into the crowd with a chairshot. The bell rings, signaling either a countout or a DQ at 7:17. I guess it's not important which. Orton and Edge team up for a dual RKO to Michaels on the chair. Hunter tries to make the save, but they knock him over the announce table. Edge bashes Hunter's brains in with a chair, and Randy gets in his own chairshot. Meanwhile, David Stern suspends Carmello Anthony for another 15 games just to send a strong message that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated in the NBA. HBK and HHH are bleeding all over the place, but for those of you 5-6 DX conspiracy theorists out there, you'll notice that they always put Edge and Orton over on the TV shows that will be gone from memory in a few weeks and then get the win on PPV, which will be immortalized forever on DVD. **1/2
Final Thoughts: Well, not having seen the first hour, my guess is you didn't really need to. Edge and Cena turned in their usual good performance. Umaga looked like a true monster tonight, but let's face it: he's just filler. Thankfully, the crowd was hot from the title match on, so it made the show more entertaining. It just feels like we're Michael Douglas in "Fatal Attraction" where we have a nice, safe promotion (the WWE) and one that does crazy, nonsensical things like blow you in an elevator (TNA). Speaking of which, why haven't you called me, Alex Shelley? I will not be ignored. Oh, um…anyway, it would be nice if the WWE would just loosen up a little instead of doing everything by the book.
