The RAWtopsy 03.12.07

WWE Raw
by J.D. Dunn

You know that Seinfeld episode where Jerry is always breaking even? Well, that’s me over the last few days. Guess which was the only electronic device that did not set itself automatically for Daylight Savings Time. That’s right! My DVR. So I start to watch it, and damned if I didn’t see the Rock’s grinning face on my screen at the end of his promo. But! I was flipping through the channels on Wednesday and happened upon a free preview for Mundial2, and it was showing replays of Raw all night. I’m Even Steven!

Also, as is noted in a brief tribute photograph, Ernie Ladd passed away this week. I bring this up because Ladd was a booker for Bill Watts’ Mid-South Wrestling and was responsible for coming up with much of the fast-paced content that drove Mid-South television in the early 1980s. Why is this important? Because it was Mid-South’s soap-opera style that Vince used to reinvigorate Raw in the late 1990s. I know a lot of people like to think Vince ripped of ECW, and from a content standpoint that’s probably true, but Ladd’s booking style had a lot of influence over what they did during the Attitude Era.

Btw, this was intended to be “Frank Miller’s Raw” in honor of “300,” but I remembered how much heat Scott Keith took for doing his Mirror Universe Raw, so I’ll just stick to the regular format.

March 12, 2007

Live from Washington, D.C..

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

John Cena calls out his own partner Shawn Michaels and asks him just when he is planning on turning on him. Well, if he told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise. Shawn thinks Cena will turn on him first. It’s like they’re an insecure teenaged couple accusing the other of cheating on them. So, c-can we still go out? Jonathan Coachman comes out and makes a Gauntlet Match for the WWE Tag Titles, since both guys seem to want to fight so badly.

Money in the Bank Qualifier, Triple Threat Elimination: Ric Flair vs. Randy Orton vs. Carlito.
The same general rule from the Smackdown triple threat applies, meaning Orton is walking away with this one. Flair and Carlito team up against Orton early, double-teaming him with chops. Not sure why they don’t just double-cover him like you used to see in ECW all the time, but instead they just take turns watching each other like it’s a Bob Crane home movie or something. Flair chopblocks Orton’s leg, setting up a springboard elbow from Carlito. They stop to argue over who gets to eliminate Orton, and Flair piefaces him. Carlito gets pissed and delivers the Lungblower to Flair, but that allows Orton to recover and hit Flair with the RKO to eliminate him at 4:00

We come back from commercial to find Orton holding a Boston Crab. Carlito makes the ropes, so Orton drops a knee to the chest for two. ORTONLOCK! Carlito fights back but misses a dropkick. Orton sets up for the RKO, but Carlito counters to a rana. He fires away and hits a flapjack. An enzuigiri gets two. A quebrada gets two more, but Orton hangs him out to dry on the top rope and finishes with the RKO at 12:19. Sizeable face pop for Orton, and that seems to be the direction they’re leaning with him. Hopefully, they learned from the lessons of his last face run. **1/2

Masterlock Challenge:
Masters is about to put the lock on Lillian Garcia because he’s a jerk. Super Crazy (who is both “super” and “crazy”) comes down to make the save but winds up in the hold himself. Masters puts him out and growls a lot. Welcome to the pre-show slot, boys.

In the back, Vince McMahon arrives and compares the size of his limo to Trump’s. See, because it’s a penis metaphor! Get it?! By the way, thinking of Vince and Trump crossing swords is just too disturbing for words.

Elsewhere, Randy Orton tells Edge that he’ll win the Money in the Bank because he is younger and better-looking. So, using his good looks and youth, he’s going to get some butch gay guy to win for him? I don’t think he really gets the concept of the ladder match.

And now…The Rock! Now, don’t get me wrong, because the last thing I want to do is rain on the Rock Parade, but this promo was indicative of one of the [few] problems I have with the Rock. First of all, it’s one of the Rock’s Mad Lib promos. “Finally, the Rock has come back to [City Name]! [Proper Noun], do you actually think that you can defeat the Rock? IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! Why don’t you take your little [object], shine it up real nice, turn it sideways, and stick straight up your candyass! If you smelllllllllll what the Rock is cookin’!” Second, it’s supposed to put heat on the Lashley/Umaga match, but all it does is turn Umaga into a joke after they spent a year building him into this big monster. When you see Umaga at WrestleMania, will you think “scary unbeatable monster” or will you think “shriveled-up monkey penis”? I was happy to see him and all, but this was counterproductive at best.

WWE Tag Titles, Gauntlet Match:

Shawn Michaels & John Cena vs. Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas.
Woof. This was disappointing. Cena’s timing is off with both Benjamin and Haas as Benjamin starts to sell a hiptoss before Cena even makes contact with him, and then Cena sells a corner shouldertackle before Charlie hits him. Cena lets Shawn do the legwork and gets the win with the STFU at 2:54. 1/2*

Shawn Michaels & John Cena vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch.
Murdoch and Cade attack immediately and isolate Shawn Michaels. Cade and Murdoch fare much better than Haas & Benjamin, but Cena gets the hot tag, cleans house and goes for the FU. However, Shawn superkicks Murdoch right out of Cena’s hands before he can hit that FU. Cena glares at Shawn for doing that but covers for the win at 3:20. *

Cage Match: Shawn Michaels & John Cena vs. MNM.
Mercury no longer has his mask. We JIP to Cena playing face-in-peril. Shawn gets the hot tag but gets backdropped into the cage. MNM takes right over on Shawn, but Nitro misses a Twister Press. Cena tags in and javelins Mercury into the cage. OH, MY EYE! I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO GET CAGE IN IT! Michaels and Cena take turns tossing him into the cage, and Cena goes for the FU again. This time, he sees Shawn coming and drops Mercury before Shawn can superkick him. Shawn and Cena get into an argument about it before Nitro jumps them and gets his ass handed to him. Superkick to Mercury, FU, and we’re out at 5:03. The losers all return to gang up on Michaels and Cena, but the champ beat them back. Cena grabs a chair and stands behind Shawn for a second before finally hitting Haas. Intrigue! It looked like something was blown there, because Shawn and Cena both looked disappointed rather than suspicious of one another. **

Jeff Hardy vs. Edge
Edge refuses to wrestle in front of a crowd that would condone a racist term like “Redskins.” However, he’s found a suitable replacement…

Jeff Hardy vs. The Great Khali.
Jeff goes right at him off the bell and gets stomped like narc at a biker rally. Khali Chop! Two-fisted chokeslam. Glower. Kane interrupts, and he’s brought Jacob Goodnight’s lucky hook. He chases everyone off and pulls the announce table apart with the hook (and an assist from the King). [N/R]

Donald Trump asks Vince’s personal stylist whether Vince’s hair is fake or not. Hey, she took an oath, Donald!

Your next inductee into the Hall of Fame — Mr. Fuji. Can’t argue there because he’s one of the most successful tag managers of all time, and he managed one of the most dominant heel champions in WWE history.

Mick Foley is here to plug his book and his appearance on ECW. Ashley offers to trade him a copy of his book for her Playboy. Mick is cool to the idea of looking at her naked because she’s a friend, but then she practically shoves it in his face. Ron Simmons provides the punchline.

Elsewhere, Vince kicks Coach out of his styling room for looking too much like Donald Trump. Okay. I guess Vince doesn’t like naggers.

Non-Title: Melina vs. Torrie Wilson.
Torrie gets a surfboard and a jackknife. She slips over Melina and schoolgirls her for two. Torrie gets a series of clotheslines, but Melina counters her suplex to a rollup with a handful of tights at 2:15. Post-match: Melina takes a cheapshot at Torrie, drawing out Ashley and Mickie James to give her a good, old-fashioned whuppin’. 3/4*

Edge finds Vince strutting around in the back and volunteers Randy Orton to face off against Bobby Lashley on ECW. Oh, and if he refuses, he gets tossed from the Money in the Bank ladder match. Edge is WAY more of a cerebral assassin than Triple H, whose master plan always seemed to be sneaking up on someone with his sledgehammer. Then again, that was pretty effective, so I don’t see how it wasn’t cerebral either. Perhaps they can settle this argument with a game of draughts?

Vince comes out for the main-event contract signing. Monkey Penis and Armando Estrada join Vince. Trump gets a Maria/Candice escort to the ring and then introduces Bobby Lashley. Steve Austin comes out to get people to chant “what?” a few times and to lay down the law to Trump and Vince. Contracts are signed. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Everyone clears out, and Trump calls out Vince. Vince gets in his face and gets shoved all the way over the table. Vince will put anyone over. This probably didn’t need 20 minutes, but it’s their dime.

The 411: Some good stuff, some bad, this week. The Money in the Bank is shaping up nicely with Edge and Orton seeming to be the front-runners trying to screw each other over. The Hair vs. Hair match was middling. I truly believe the Rock did a lot of unnecessary damage to Umaga’s image just to get a good line in, and it was a better feud when it was actually focused on Lashley and Umaga rather than Trump and McMahon. The Cena/HBK thing…continues to tread water. It’s all moot anyway, because the show is practically set, and everyone who’s going to order it has already decided. Now, it’s just a matter of waiting for the big day.