411’s WWE Raw Report 03.26.07

Posted by Arnold Furious on 03.26.2007

You can’t see…SUPERKICK!

411's Raw Report 03.26.07

You can't see…SUPERKICK!

We're in Chicago, Illinois. Hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler. Smackdown is in Grand Rapids tomorrow.

TONIGHT – Mr McMahon has promised one of the biggest Raw's ever. On tap are John Cena & Shawn Michaels v Undertaker & Dave Batista as the Wrestlemania main events collide for the second time this year. McMahon himself takes on Bobby Lashley in a special main event. Also the Playboy covergirls team up as Ashley, Torrie and Candice face the trio of Melina, Victoria and Jillian. The suggestion has been made by WWE.com that further tensions between Randy Orton & Edge will make an appearance on Raw this evening. A packed show.

NEWS – for those who missed it, Joey Mercury got fired today. Unlike with most superstars he hasn't been wished all the best in his future endeavours. Early speculation naturally is that Mercury is back on the drugs (he spent a lengthy spell in rehab last year) and the WWE doesn't want anymore drug stories coming out after the Sports Illustrated thing. If it is drugs that cost Mercury his job then he's a fool. Yes, there is great temptation on the road but he must have surely expected to get caught given his failings in the past.

ELSEWHERE – reviewed me some NOAH. Feel free to check that out while waiting for updates…

Sell out crowd, 15,000+ fans. The announcers plug the two big matches tonight.

PROMO TIME – The Coach

He says that Lashley v Vince McMahon has been changed. It's now a no disqualification match. Any interference will result in a fine/suspension. Before he's done talking out comes STONECOLD STEVE AUSTIN. He mugs for the crowd on all four corners as per usual. Coach looks uneasy. He has a little story for Coach. He says he was drinking beer on his ranch when a delivery truck pulled up and a lot of gifts were on it. They were from Donald Trump. He suggests that Trump is trying to buy Austin off and Coach interjects to say that's his style but Mr McMahon wouldn't do something like that. Austin cuts him off and says he told the delivery driver to take them back to New York but the driver told him they came from Stamford. Austin persuaded the driver to tell him they came from Vince. Austin thinks this is some sort of conspiracy. Coach starts off on the wrong track by telling Austin that no one thinks he's stupid. Austin stares a hole in him and tells him to shut up. Austin says it's grounds for a DQ and he should shave Vince's head right now. Coach says it was him, not Vince that did it, and he apologises saying he had a bad week. Austin says that he'll referee this match with extreme prejudice saying he'll hook Lashley's eye and stomp Umaga's guts if they don't follow his instructions. He warns Coach not to mess with him. Coach says that shaving your head isn't so bad, "bald is beautiful". Austin chuckles then hits the Stunner. Beers follow.

BACKSTAGE Austin heads on out of here but a limo blocks his truck exiting. It's VINCE MCMAHON. He apologises on behalf of his driver but Austin flips him off and drives away. Vince drags his limo driver out of the car and beats him up. "YOU'RE FIIIIIIIRED".

NEWS – the Joey Mercury rumour press is red hot! The lack of reasoning behind the release has lead to the following totally unfounded speculation –

1. Joey got fired for failing a drug test.
2. Joey got fired going off on one about MNM not having a match at Wrestlemania and shoved Stephanie McMahon onto her ass. That's pretty unlikely.
3. Joey got fired for "sexual harrassment" towards another wrestler.

Make you what you will of that. I'm waiting for some sort of news other than "he's been fired".

MELINA PEREZ/VICTORIA/JILLIAN HALL v ASHLEY MASSARO/TORRIE WILSON/CANDICE MICHELLE

Why doesn't Victoria have a surname? Fucking with my format. The title match at Wrestlemania has been made into a lumberjill match. Candice seems to have lost most of her attire. Melina slaps Ashley and bails. Torrie throws her back in as a pre-cursor to the lumberjill match. The Playmates pick off Victoria. Go Daddy! Melina kicks Candice in the back. Candice in the tree of woe for Melina to jump into her ribs. Jllian in to go for a handstand legdrop but that misses. Candice tries for the tag but Jillian cuts her off. Jillian gets kicked off and Ashley gets the hot tag. Headscissor takeover on Torrie and a rana for Victoria. Torrie spears her. Ashley drags Melina in and wails away but Jillan drags her off. Jillian goes for the handspring elbow but Ashley blocks it and hits a victory roll at 3.22 for the win.

Winners: Playmates via pinfall .

SHILL – Playstation 3. "You were named employee of the month, you want pride with that? One mans living is another man's dying". Plus "I need to buy some chocolate" then he pulls out a gun. Don't know whether this advert is global or just in the UK but I love it.

CM PUNK v KENNY DYKSTRA

ENORMOUS reaction for Punk. It was big before he was announced as being from Chicago but WOW. Kenny jumps Punk before he comes in the ring and crotches him on the ropes for good measure. "CM PUNK" – Chicago. This is a HUGE reaction. Kenny mounts with punches and pins for 2. Crowd does not like Kenny's early dominance. "CM PUNK" – Chicago. Chinlock from Kenny. Kenny tries for a suplex but Punk knees out of it and hits a leaping calf kick. Knees in the corner and a kick to the neck. Springboard diving lariat. Crowd is JACKED here. BIG knee in the corner and the bulldog gets 2. GO 2 SLEEP! Kenny is dead at 3.56.

Winner: CM Punk via pinfall . WOW, what a crowd reaction. I don't know if it's because I've followed his career for so long but I am a huge mark for Punk. Like Eddie Guerrero, Bret Hart and Mitsuhara Misawa levels. I want him to win matches. So rare.

BACKSTAGE Edge applauds. He's on the Titantron. He tells Punk he won't win at Wrestlemania. He's dusting off the Cutting Edge and inviting everyone in MITB #3 to be on it…NEXT!

CUTTING EDGE – Money in the Bank participants

Everyone is out here; Edge, Booker, Orton, Finlay, both Hardyz, Kennedy and Punk. The MITB briefcase hangs over the ring. Edge reminds us how he won the first MITB and went on to win the title. He also says he won ladder matches at three previous Wrestlemanias and has never lost at Mania. He starts with Matt Hardy. He's shocked Matt is even there. He says he'll be in Edge's face. He reminds him he has ladder match experience and he'll be aiming to beat him so bad "he'll end up lying on his back…like your ex-girlfriend". Edge takes offence. He moves on to King Booker. He says some of these guys have won a few titles before but none were as successful as King Bookah! He goes to call everyone peasants but Finlay snatches the mic off him and says he's sick of this verbal diarrhoea. Orton is in his face so Finlay calls him "chisel chin". Orton gets the mic and accuses Edge of ducking matches…like every single one in the past month. Kennedy chips in saying Edge doesn't want a fight tonight but everyone should step aside and let Mr Kennedy win. Edge won't let him repeat his name. We move to Jeff Hardy. Girly pop! Edge mocks his little dance. Jeff grabs the mic and says this is his first Wrestlemania in four years. He wants to steal the entire show, like he always does in ladder matches. Even if it involves going through his own brother. He'll do what he has to do. Finally we get CM Punk and the crowd are already chanting his name again. Edge mocks his style of promos by saying he's addicted to sex, violence and championship gold. Punk says Edge is addicted to running his mouth, which leads to big brawl but Edge bails out and the others fight instead. Edge finds this situation rather amusing. Being the official babyfaces the Hardyz and Punk clean the ring out and then chase after Edge.

BACKSTAGE Maria has John Cena for an interview. HUGE heat for Cena. He tells Maria a Wrestlemania fairy tale about legends, dead men and bald billionaires. Once the smoke has cleared and the dust has settled the two most controversial and charismatic individuals of all time will battle for the richest prize in wrestling. He says this match will be talked about years from now. He says people won't talk about who had who's back and who did what leading up to the show but rather the one man…who wins. Intense promo from Cena.

VINCE MCMAHON v BOBBY LASHLEY

No DQ. Not for the ECW title either. Vince wants the mic before the match. He says he won't embarrass Lashley with his technical expertise but he'll be pinning him 1-2-3. Vince bails to start and in runs CADE & MURDOCH. Lashley makes short work of them. Belly to belly on Cade. Murdoch with a big boot but Lashley lariats him. Cade is clotheslined out but in comes CHRIS MASTERS. He goes for the Masterlock but can't even get it on. Half nelson slam. In comes JOHNNY NITRO. He can't even Irish whip Lashley before being pressed. Masters is thrown out. Running powerslam for Nitro. Now it's UMAGA and business is about to pick up. A brawl ensues. Lashley wails away but in comes Vince to kick him in the balls. He shoves Lashley into the Samoan Drop. Vince with the pin for 3 at 2.28. He looked like he kicked out.

Winner: Vince McMahon via pinfall .

POST MATCH Umaga continues the assault in an attempt to leave Lashley hurt for Wrestlemania. Butt avalanche. Make that two. Samoan Spike. Vince covers again and the ref counts to three again. This time there's no screw up and Lashley stays down. My guess is that finish will be the one shown in replays. Vince let's Umaga have one more. Samoan Spike. The replay of the finish shows Lashley blatantly kick out although Vince's arm does cover where the shoulder comes up. After the break they've already changed replays to the second pinfall.

BACKSTAGE Vince heads off but gets interviewed by Todd Grisham. He thinks the finish was controversial. Vince says he promised to win and did. He says Umaga will do it on Sunday and then he'll shave Donald Trump's head. Vince invites in "Donald Trump", which is Eugene with a Trump wig on. Eugene seems upset that he has no hair.

MR KENNEDY/RANDY ORTON v THE HARDYS

No micwork from Kennedy again. Matt starts fast and yodelling elbow drops Orton for 2. Jeff in with a slingshot dropkick for 2. Kennedy gets in there though and puts a beating on Jeff. Kennedy mocks Jeff's dancing but Jeff takes him over with a headscissors. Kennedy comes back and throws him under the ropes. Jeff gets picked off and beaten down on the floor while Matt is provoked into entering the ring. Orton in with the chinlock. That's it from him so Kennedy comes back in to work Jeff's back. Jeff with the Whisper in the Wind. Orton cuts off the hot tag. Jeff mule kicks him and Matt gets the tag. He hits a bunch of clotheslines/punches. Bulldog/lariat combo on the heels. Side Effect for Kennedy. One for Orton too gets 2. He calls for the Twist of Fate but Kennedy stops it. Jeff in and they hit Poetry on Motion but Kennedy bails on it. Matt is left open for the RKO and that's the pin at 4.25.

Winners: Orton & Kennedy via pinfall . Is it just me or is Orton-Jeff Hardy a terrible, terrible match?

HALL OF FAME 2007: Rhodes, Hennig, Bockwinkel, Lawler, Fuji, Sheik, Wild Samoans and the final inductee is JIM ROSS. Everyone puts him over. Rock compares him to John Madden. Foley talks about how "as God is my witness he is broken in half" is the greatest sports call, ever. Benoit talks about Ross' announcing coming from the heart. HHH says he'd rather JR announce his matches rather than anyone else. Cole says there's no one as good. Flair says JR isn't good…he's great. HHH says Ross is as good as Gordon Solie ever was. He seems touched by the standing ovation that follows the announcement.

THE GREAT KHALI v RIC FLAIR

Flair chops away but Khali takes over easily. He goes to put Flair through the ring steps but CARLITO runs out for the save and the DQ at 0.58.

Winner: Great Khali via DQ

POST MATCH Carlito gets the chokebomb but then KANE is out here with the hook on a chain. Khali doesn't run off this time and headbutts Kane but Kane fires back and the crowd goes wild. He gets the hook but Khali bails this time and heads into the crowd.

SHILL – Saliva's "Ladies and Gentlemen", the official theme music of Wrestlemania 23.

SHILL – The Condemned. Austin talks about his character. He thinks the movie is original. Hey, a suplex! That gets a mild pop, which is one up on the previous two WWE film productions.

SHILL – Wrestlemania on Sunday. MITB #3, ECW Originals v New Breed, Chris Benoit v MVP, Melina Perez v Ashley Massaro Lumberjill match, Kane v Great Khali, Battle of the Billionaires: Umaga v Bobby Lashley w/Austin as the ref, Taker v Batista and Cena v HBK. Eight matches. Four hour PPV.

BACKSTAGE Shawn Michaels has a little promo time. He says he's faced Cena a hundred times because every time he's faced a great challenge, legend, icon, immortal or whoever he's carried on. He says he'll take Cena to the top of the mountain on Sunday. He's walking out the WWE champion. He once again points out he has Cena's back tonight.

JOHN CENA/SHAWN MICHAELS v UNDERTAKER/DAVE BATISTA

Rematch from No Way Out where Dave turned on Taker and let the Raw guys win. They've not gotten along ever since.. One of those typical mixed reactions for Cena. Shawn is still coming out to the DX music. Taker starts aggressively with Cena until he runs into a back elbow. HUGE heat for all of Cena's striking. Taker comes back with the Snake Eyes but Cena ducks the big boot and looks for the FU. Taker gets out and looks for the chokeslam but Shawn jumps in there. Taker boots him, which Shawn sells huge. Dave charges in and the Smackdown guys end up left alone. Taker raises his hands but Cena lays him out. More heat for that. Just enormous heat. Shawn runs Taker into the ring steps. Cena tries to pin but he's under the ropes so Shawn is in. He chops away and hits a swinging neckbreaker. Cena back in, more heat, and Taker meets him with punches. They trade. "Boo, yay, boo, yay". Taker with a flying clothesline. Dave tags in blind. Taker looks pissed off about that. Dave clotheslines Cena although it looked like he aimed at Taker, who ducked. Shawn gets a tag. Chops for Dave. Flying forearm. Nip up. Taker tries to jump in there so Shawn punches him. Taker retorts with the goozle and when he can't get a chokeslam Dave hits the spinebuster on Cena. Taker has Shawn up but deliberately presses him onto Dave. Taker walks. This would be a receipt for Smackdown last week. Cena shoulderblocks Dave. Protobomb. Shawn up with the Savage Elbow. Cena calls to Shawn for something. Dave can't see either one of them. Double Five Knuckle Shuffle. SUPERKICK TO CENA! Dave gets the pin at 6.39.

Winners: Taker/Dave via pinfall . Well, they sure pulled the trigger on that superkick at the perfect moment.

POST MATCH Cena can't see Shawn or his crotch chops. And the show still isn't over even though we've already had seven minutes of over run. Crowd was smoking hot for that finish. Great timing. Oh, so we return in order to see replays for 30 seconds. Sheesh.