The Impact Crater 03.29.07

Posted by Ryan Byers on 03.30.2007

Everybody is bidding for Tyson Tomko's services. The surprise winner? Sir Oliver Humperdink.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to YOUR Impact Crater for March 29, 2007. I'm Ryan, and what follows is me trying to make sense of TNA Impact. Read on at your own peril.

Quick & Dirty Results

Segment #1: Jerry Lynn def. Sonjay Dutt, Shark Boy, Alex Shelley, "Canadian Pygmy" Petey Williams, & Austin Aries in an X Division X-Scape Match
Segment #2: Team Angle vs. Team Cage Interview
Segment #3: James Storm def. Eric Young
Segment #4: Kurt Angle def. Abyss

Angle Numero Uno: Much Adieu About Nobody (The Tyson Tomko Story)

Yes, it's another week of the build up to Lethal Lockdown, with both Kurt Angle and Christian Cage slowly picking their partners. The majority of the show focused on which team would receive the services of Tyson Tomko, which is like a couple in a divorce fighting over who should get the 1985 Oldsmobile that only runs half of the time.

I don't mean that as a knock on Tyson/Travis Tomko the person. I'm talking about his character. Much like when he got to beat Samoa Joe, I again have to ask myself what he's done in kayfabe terms in order to earn this main event level status that TNA seems to be given him. He's barely wrestled for the company, and, when he has, it's largely been putting people over. Hell, it's not like he even has an impressive pre-TNA background to reference. When he was in WWE, his role was essentially the same . . . a guy who stood in the background while Christian cut promos and periodically did a job in feuds involving his boss. Granted, at this point in time he does have the Joe victory, but nobody in TNA decided to remind the fans of that one during the course of this show, which would seem particularly important given that it was several weeks ago. I'm not asking for much here. I'm just asking for TNA to give the fans SOME REASON why Tomko is worth all of this hype . . . why is he worth all of the fighting that Angle and Christian did on this week's show? It could have been as simple as reminding everybody that he pinned Samoa Joe, a feat that only one other man has been able to perform in TNA. It could have been giving him a series of squash wins in the weeks building up to this episode. You can't just suddenly shoehorn a main in to your main event picture and expect an audience to go for it.

And, of all the people to push, why Tomko? I appreciate the fact that TNA is attempting to create new stars, but my mind is boggled as to why he is their first choice. His ring work is certainly nothing to go crazy about, and his promos are painfully mediocre, as was put on display tonight. The only thing that he has going for him is his "look," though you'd think that TNA would be more successful if they promoted something different from WWE as opposed to making sure any guy who is over 6'6" and 300 pounds immediately gets shoved to the top. It's even more confusing when you consider the fact that TNA has guys like Joe and AJ Styles who were RIGHT THERE with fans ready to accept them as main event players . . . and they seemingly got pushed down a few rungs on the ladder for no reason other than establishing the less-talented and less-over Tomko.

My theory on why Tomko is getting pushed: He and Dutch Mantell are great friends because they swap beard-grooming tips.



That's some mighty facial hair, right there.

And, since it's what I do best, can I just point out a couple of tiny little logic holes in this Tomko storyline? If the heels had the faces fooled in to thinking that Tomko wanted to be a part of their team, why would he reveal his true colors tonight? Why not wait until the pay per view, when all ten men are locked inside the steel cage? That'd give Team Christian a six-on-four advantage and all of the members of Team Angle a legitimate gripe to set up some rematches for the next show. Hell, if TNA wanted to create a new star, they could even have an up-and-coming face run in to even the odds, a la Ring of Honor's Cage of Death match. Plus, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Tomko just give up a guaranteed title shot form Jim Cornette in order to help out his evil buddies? It's a small point, but I don't like the message that it sends. The World Title should mean more to the men on the roster than anything else in the world, and having Tomko side with Christian when he had a legitimate shot at being champ runs counter to that goal.

With the exception of the above, I will say that the build for the Lockdown main event is still going fairly well. We have a complete roster on the heel side, but there are still two members of the face team yet to be named, which is great because a.) fans should theoretically tune in to the next two weeks of television to see who those men are and b.) the faces are currently at a disadvantage and have been laid out, so people should be tuning in to see the good guys get their revenge. Ideally the latter factor will also cause people to buy the pay per view, so hopefully TNA doesn't go crazy and put the good guys and the bad guys on equal footing before the Lockdown show.

Angle Numero Dos: Family Matters

Speaking of Dutch Mantell, his soap opera between Sting and Jim Mitchell continues, with the revelation that Abyss didn't shoot his father in the back three times. In fact, Abyss' mom, after years of abuse, was fed up and unloaded on the guy. Abyss was such a loyal son that he took the fall for mommy dearest and spent years in prison for a crime that he did not actually commit.

Ugh. Just ugh. On one hand, if the company wanted to keep Abyss with Jim Mitchell after the monster's secret was revealed, they did need a new rationale for doing so. Abyss attempting to protect his mother from prosecution makes sense at first, but then you've got to think about the practical realities of this show being broadcast on television every week. Jim Mitchell is on a major cable network talking about this situation, threatening to "go to the authorities" if Abyss crosses him. So you mean to tell me that, of the roughly one million people in the United States who watch Impact ever week, not one of them is a law enforcement official? Not one of them is a person who would contact law enforcement about this situation? The original "secret" worked as a blackmail tool because it actually was a secret. This is something that a quarter of the Monday Night Raw viewing audience knows . . . not quite as effective, there, Father Jim.

The other question is where exactly all of this is leading. Does Mitchell just retain control of Abyss with the Sting storyline being dropped? If so, the Stinger looks like one of the least competent babyfaces this side of Eugene. The other option is that we get yet another Sting versus Abyss match, with the stipulation being that, if Sting wins, Mitchell promises to never hand over the information. However, that scenario is problematic both because Sting vs. Abyss has been done to death on PPV and because, as previously noted, the information is already available to the general public, so plenty of people other than Mitchell could now either report it or similarly blackmail Abyss. My proposed resolution? Have Sting kill Abyss' mom. He's already shown us that he's not above bending his Christian values for the sake of helping out Abyss, and it seems to be the only way for the monster to be freed of Mitchell's grasp.

If there's a positive side to this story, it's that, at least from the way things stand now, there is no reason to make Ms. Abyss a regular or even recurring character on the show. That's the one thing that I feared the most when I saw her last week, just because we all know what became of the last guy who had his "mother" appearing in his corner on a regular basis. Speaking of which, what are the odds on Shelton getting sacked in WWE's post-Wrestlemania roster purge?

And the Rest . . .

~ Every week it seems like I take a shot at TNA for assuming that their fans know too much. It happened again this week, as the rules to the X-Scape match weren't explained until it was roughly halfway over.

~ Also on the X-Scape Match: Why was this on TV? I somehow doubt that the promise of an X-Scape match will do that much pay per view business for TNA. However, if you give away the match FOR FREE, chances are good that you've just destroyed the handful of buys that it would have generated. If you really want to "preview" it, why not just run a video package of X Division guys in cage matches?

~ Bob Backlund is doing the Harvard step test throughout the show. Great, what does that accomplish? Does that get more viewers to tune in? Does that get people to buy pay per views? No? Then don't do it!

~ My favorite part of the show was security immediately jumping in to the ring as soon as Gail Kim and Jacqueline were within five feet of each other, because, according to Mike Tenay, "They were prepared for it!" If they were so concerned and knew this was going to happen, why wouldn't they just confine Gail to her locker room? TNA Security = Dumbasses.

~ I didn't realize until the last couple of weeks, but I really missed Eric Young singles matches. He's not a master technician or anything, but he's a fun babyface to watch. I'm particularly fond of the way that he's started working the Flair Flip in to his matches, especially since the results of his flip vary a bit more than Slick Ric's did.

~ Bobby Roode and Petey Williams brawl. Okay, I can deal with this.

~ So now Kip James is overtly threatening to beat women, and it sounds like they're playing him up as a babyface. Sounds like we've got an early contender for "Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic" in the Wrestling Observer year-end awards. (Also won by such "prestigious" angles such as the Katie Vick necrophilia deal and Jose Gonzales being pushed as a face in Puerto Rico.)

Overall

I labeled the episode of Impact that aired two weeks ago as the best since Russo's return. Last week's episode was not quite as good but still not horrible. This week's is weaker still . . . though I still can't call it as bad as TNA's worst shows. There were more plot holes than in the last two weeks, but at least the company appears to have a clear direction. They know where they're going. They know that they have two primary storylines (The Lethal Lockdown build and the Abyss saga), and they know that they need to give those to programs the vast majority of their TV time. Plus with the Lethal Lockdown team selection process, the TV is built in such a way that it should lead to more interest in both future episodes of Impact AND the pay per view. Further, the promotion seems to realize now that their midcarders and opening match guys don't need exposure on every show, even if it does lead to slightly lessened morale. On a scale of one to ten, I'd probably plug this episode of Impact at a five, which could've been improved by a couple of points if they'd put stronger performers – LAX, for example – in the middle of the show as opposed to the Young/Storm match. Even without that tweak, a five out of ten is a marked improvement for a couple who would have consistently been scoring a negative two as recently as a month ago.

Reader feedback was slow for this week, so this will end this Crater. As always, come back next week, and feel free to check out my MySpace. You can read exclusive blog content, add me as a friend to receive updates when I publish articles on 411, and search my friends for some fun indy wrestler profiles.