Friday Night Fury: Smackdown 04.13.07

Posted by Arnold Furious on 04.13.2007

MVP lives up to his name

Friday Night Fury: Smackdown 04.13.07

MVP lives up to his name

Random irritations and annoyances this week…

1. Three way dances. I guess we have ECW to blame for the popularity of this particular match. I particularly hate it. Three way dances always fuck with the selling and psychology of a match. Noticeably so on most occasions. I especially hate Indy versions of the match where Guy A hits a huge high spot on Guy B and Guy C breaks the fall. Rinse, repeat. Throw in the odd three way spot like a superplex/powerbomb and you have a tremendously shitty paint by numbers spotfest. Even when they seem good the first time you see one of these matches, watch it again and look out for how weird the selling always is to accommodate various spots between the participants. If the match is badly planned it's even worse. If I never see another triple threat match I'll be quite happy.

2. Performance reviews. These should only be for people who work jobs and suck at them. Making everyone do them is far too democratic. Let's get seriously fascist and stop the namby-pamby bullshit. If someone is getting a performance review it should be because they suck. Like several of my staff. Not because the company wants some more paperwork done to make it look competent. The vague promise of "potential rises" is only to make people do them.

3. NVQ's. Who the hell wants one of these anyway? I got asked to do one where they'd access me on a day to day basis. I hate being watched by people who don't even work for the same company. Just, fuck off. I'm busy.

4. Not getting a break in three days. I hate work. Where's that lottery win when you need it?

5. Easter Eggs. More packaging than content. Plus when you're eating the actual egg part the chocolate always breaks up and you lose bits. It's like eating a Flake. I hate Flakes.

6. The UEFA Cup. What a waste of time. Now, the Champions League has been great this year. Man Utd's slaughter of Roma is one of the best things to happen in Europe since Utd won the trophy in 1999. And no, I don't support Utd. I would have enjoyed Liverpool winning if I didn't absolutely hate them with every fibre of my being. Is it wrong I have this bitter vindictive streak towards Liverpool? I think it's gotten worse since Rafa Benitez made that "small club" crack. Yeah, the small club that thrashed you 3-0 earlier in the season and took four points out of six off you this season. That small club? One of these years we'll pip Liverpool in the league and they won't go and overshadow it by winning the European Cup. Bastards. Contemptible bastards.

7. The Postal Service. They close on Sundays and only do half a day on Saturday. Slackers. Just hire weekend staff. It's not rocket science. How come Post Office workers get such easy hours anyway? The demand for the product is just as strong on a Sunday as it is any other day of the week. I think the entire company is just a pack of lazy, inbred, pigfucking cocksuckers.

We're in Providence, Rhode Island. Hosts are Michael Cole & JBL.

PROMO TIME – Teddy Long

He books a Wrestlemania re-match of Undertaker v The Mighty DAVE~! at the forthcoming Backlash PPV. It's a Last Man Standing match. Why? That seems totally unnecessary, especially seeing as the WWE did one of these matches in January.

FINLAY/HORNSWOGGLE v MR KENNEDY

Why not Little Bastard? Were we sending out a bad message to kids or something? This is a "Get Your Hands offa My Midget, Motherfucker" match. Finlay shoves Kennedy out of the way of his microphone thus preventing the self introduction. Crowd chants for Kennedy and they show it so they must be considering switching him babyface. Kennedy gets on the mic and talks about MITB. Because it was the biggest match of his career so some things happened. He apologises and the crowd completely turn on him because he's blatantly trying to chicken out on this match. Finlay cuts him some slack. But I thought he loved to fight? He'll ram that shillelagh down Kennedy's throat if he ever touches his little man again. Ahem. There's some serious innuendo in there. All this chatter brings Theodore Long back out here. He books them in a tag match for not wrestling each other. Their opponents are Batista and the Undertaker. They're teaming an awful lot these days. That'll be our main event.

Winner: Bait and his tag partner Switch.

BACKSTAGE some random blonde diva is hanging out. She discovers that Jillian Hall has kneecapped Ashley Massaro. Hopefully she'll take some time off to regain that weight she dumped for the Playboy shoot. Ribs should be on the inside Ashley.

FROM THE VAULT – Hardcore Holly v Tajiri. Meh. I hate Bobcore. I haven't liked anything he's done since Smoky Mountain Wrestling. That's a long time. Bobcore counters the Tarantula into the Alabamaslam for the win. This was from King of the Ring qualifying last year. I figure that means King of Ring is coming soon? Maybe?

Tag Titles – PAUL LONDON/BRIAN KENDRICK (c) v DEUCE/DOMINO w/Cherry

The announcers talk about the loss of Ashley at ringside. The champs have held the belts for nearly a year. 4th longest title reign in the history of the WWE's tag division. Longest by a long stretch for these particular belts that were created in 2002. Deuce & Domino are the same lame team that got a couple of non-title wins over Londrick beforehand. Londrick break out the nice double Japanese armdrag. JBL is reminded of the Rockers when they were younger. That would be pretty accurate. It's a pity the WWE have limited their offence somewhat so they're probably doing the vast majority of the same moves that the Rockers did back in the late 80's. That said that's all they need on free TV. The champs pick off the guy that really sucks and work his arm. He rolls into the corner and tags out though. London sees him coming back along the apron, its Domino, and spin kicks him off. London dives to the outside afterwards and looks to land hard on his hip. That looked painful. Domino was kayfabe hit by it but London came up a little short. Deuce is the guy I like. He could easily run a Honky Tonk Man style gimmick when Domino gets the heave-ho for being shit. Kendrick gets himself isolated when Domino hangs him up on the ropes. So Kendrick eats up a heat segment and this is remarkably similar to every match these teams have had. The Untouchables seem only capable of one match. The one where they plod through offence sporadically riddled with interesting high spots. That's rare though. They went through some of those jobber matches without doing anything remotely interesting. Kendrick forward rolls his way to the hot tag. Gotta love that. London breaks out all his speedy offence including the snap rana. London double stomps Domino but Deuce makes the save. Referee is unimpressed and wants him out. Kendrick makes a save but gets thrown out. The heels continue to double team so the ref disqualifies them at 9.45. HAHAHAH. Excellent.

Winners: Londrick via DQ . *3/4. Ok, they can't win the titles. Let's get someone new in there. Thanks for coming Domino. Your services are no longer required. They could keep this up for YEARS with the way that Londrick wrestle. Bring in fresh teams to challenge and job them out. JBL chews out the Untouchables. Not for breaking the rules but for doing it when the ref is looking.

BACKSTAGE Teddy Long has something special planned in Milan for him and Kristal. In come the Untouchables to kill his buzz. Domino cuts a horrible cookie cutter promo only to be salvaged by Deuce's "I hit him with the Crack Him in the Mouth". Teddy feels their pain but calls them rulebreakers. So in the future they should adhere to the rules. Hey, this is pretty close to my suggestion for the duo when I said they shouldn't play by the rules because they're from the 50's. I'd have to dig it out but this is pretty close to what I suggested. If Deuce comes out there with a guitar next week I want my royalties. Is no one else creeped out by Peanuthead hitting on Kristal?

MVP v CHRIS BENOIT

This is not for the US title and is a re-match from Wrestlemania. Benoit looks a touch miffed about losing to the Miz last week. He hasn't shaved this week because he's so focused on kicking the shit out of MVP this week. Cole is really putting over MVP by pointing out how he outwrestled and outcountered Benoit at Mania. Still lost though. Here he's less intense, probably because it's not Wrestlemania, and Benoit largely controls. Benoit keeps looking for the Crossface because his shoulder is in better condition now. Miz should have been working the arm last week. I guess that's why he's not very good. Doesn't have that level of storytelling yet. Of course now he's had time to rehab it so MVP needs to start over again. Benoit is such a nice guy. Every guy he faces, no matter how far up the card it is, he busts his ass to put whoever it is over. MVP goes for a suplex but Benoit counters into his own. That shows you he's no longer underestimating MVP after he got countered repeatedly at Mania. First big counter in this one is Benoit's. He goes for the Crossface but MVP backs up the whole time to get the ropes and block it. JBL talks about how Benoit has gotten over with the fans because he's just THAT good. He doesn't need charisma or mic skills or personality. MVP swings at him and gets caught in a release German suplex. The countering has been all Benoit in this match. Benoit goes to German suplex him to the floor, which would be UBER-SICK but obviously he can't get that. I say "obviously" but Misawa has hit a tiger suplex off the ramp so it's not impossible to actually do that spot. MVP runs Benoit into the post and takes over on offence. MVP controls with a chinlock with the arm barred out. That'd be the arm from Wrestlemania. Clever to insert that hold in there. If you're using a rest hold, make it relevant. Benoit goes to the Rolling Germans but gets caught on a counter so Benoit HEADBUTTS him. Change up! Just when you think he's brought out the big change of offence to win this MVP breaks out a belly to belly overhead. Benoit couldn't have expected that. Benoit has spent this entire match getting close to the ropes when he's in trouble. So he's able to avoid wasting energy kicking out because he's always close to the ropes. I don't even know how he's doing it so consistently. I think he's only had to kick out once all match. Benoit busts out a NORTHERN LIGHTS for 2. They're having to find new stuff after they scouted each other so well at Mania. MVP goes for the stalling suplex but Benoit knees out into the CROSSFACE but MVP has the ropes. OOOOOH! MVP is struggling after that and gets caught in the Rolling Germans. That usually sets up the Flying Wolverine and that's what pinned MVP at Mania. This time he's back up and he cuts Benoit off up top. Benoit punches him off but this time the Flying Wolverine MISSES. MVP rolled away with Benoit in the air so Benoit was committed to the move. I guess he got a good look at it last week when he pulled Miz out. Makes sense. I like it. MVP breaks out the big boot in the corner and IT'S GOOD! Not good enough, it only gets 2. MVP grinds at a chinlock but wouldn't you know it, Benoit is by the ropes again. Benoit ducks a wild punch and goes to the Rolling Germans. MVP has seen those a lot now though and runs Benoit into the ropes. MVP looks for sickness and tries to suplex Benoit over the top. Benoit counters into a roll up but MVP blocks and because he set up where he did the ropes are right there and cheating wins the match at 16.34.

Winner: MVP via pinfall . ***3/4. This guy is SO money. Arguably that match is even better than I've rated it. I certainly think giving MVP these continuity heavy matches with Benoit makes both guys look awesome.

BACKSTAGE Kristal interviews MVP. He says everyone saw it. He told everyone so. Everyone is going to be straight up BALLIN' when he wins the US title. Ev. Ry. One.

RAW REBOUND – Shane's little gimmick match thing with Lashley. Shane lost that match. He should have his head shaved. I do think Shane's hair should be on the line at some point though and shave him too. They show the extra post show mugging and Vince wearing the ECW title. Somewhere Hat Guy is disgusted. Don't worry Hat Guy, you're not alone. You're not alone.

FROM THE VAULT #2 – What the hell? This show must have been like 70 minutes long or something. This is Chavo Guerrero v Hurricane. Just because I praised the From the Vault segment last week doesn't mean I wanted two of them this week. This is kinda fun until Hurricane "blows" his knee out. I liked Helms a lot better with that gimmick attached. Gregory Helms is painfully dull. Hurricane does a killer job of selling the knee on everything until Chavo taps him with the STF. This match makes the show because it hypes Rey Jr's debut on Smackdown and he'll be back on Smackdown soon. Makes sense. Although they showed the Rey-Chavo match from the following week a couple of weeks ago.

Sidenote – After my coaching session Josh Mathews correctly pronounces Glasgow. I am impressed. That'd be the first time, ever, I believe for that particular achievement. I wonder if anyone else noticed? He's even saying Birmingham with a soft ‘a'.

Kane v Khosrow Daivari

Last time this match went down Kane raped Daivari with his hook on a chain gimmick after the match. I've never been really keen on blatant squash matches unless the guy being squashed makes it entertaining. Or the guy doing the squashing. No such joy in this one. Daivari looks like he crapped himself pre-match but shouldn't he be out for revenge? Nope. Just dismantled. No attempt at cheating. No attempt at anything. Chokeslam mercifully ends it quickly at 2.36.

Winner: Kane via squash .

POST MATCH Regal & Taylor come out here for revenge for last week. They attack Kane but he's too powerful and shrugs them off. I like Regal's boxing approach. That looked like something out of MMA. Good stance, good jabbing. Handicap match next week? No thanks. I'd rather see one or the other in a match with Kane where they get some offence in and make us believe there's a chance of Kane losing.

Sidenote – just noticed that the Cage Rage event is being billed as "Judgement Day". How long until the WWE sues? If they can stop Jerry Lawler wrestling in his own backyard then I figure they can get a British MMA show to change its name.

SHILL – Mark Henry. Mostly weightlifting footage because that was something he was actually good at. He's back soon. Here's an idea, just stop getting injured. Then you could stay on TV all the time. On second thoughts…

Main event – UNDERTAKER/DAVE BATISTA v MR KENNEDY/FIT FINLAY

Despite Kennedy winning MITB this is still somewhat lopsided. Finlay is a JTTS so he has no hope and Kennedy has had assistance in his big matches with Taker & Dave. Cole's "best pure striker" line is now officially a CHUG because I'm sick of hearing it. "Wily veteran" is ok though because generic cliches rule. Taker gets himself isolated and the heels cheat in their corner. Dave doesn't look too fussed. Can't say I blame him. Taker fights his way out by himself. Dave doesn't seem fussed. The cutaways to Dave look exactly the same every time. It's starting to make me laugh. Dave tags himself in blind and cleans house. Taker doesn't seem fussed. I see a pattern emerging. Kennedy gets caught in a spinebuster. Dave is feeling the steroids atmosphere but Taker tags himself in. Dave is very definitely unhappy with that because Taker has had 4 ½ minutes and he's had 30 seconds so far. And he's faired better. Ad break. Taker lets Dave come in now. Yeah, you're HIS bitch. I saw you! You lost at Mania! Dave does the insolent tag back to Taker and Cole spews forth "things are getting interesting". So the rest of the show didn't interest you? I was quite enjoying it. The heels in this match could be absolutely anyone. Their presence is making little to no difference to the match. In fact Kennedy is looking like the JTTS he's been lately. So two main eventers tag against two JTTS's. Hmm, I wonder what happens here. Finlay tags in to get much of the same treatment. Once Backlash is out of the way it's time to totally shake up the main event scene on Smackdown. I just don't want to see either of these guys in the main event. Wrestlemania is now gone, time to move on. I guess they'll milk it while the crowd still reacts. Taker goes for Old School but Dave heels on him and tags in during it so Taker can't do it. There's a time and a place for one-upmanship and that wasn't it. Dave gets himself isolated as a result and the heels take out his knee. So we run some heat on Dave that the crowd don't really buy. Shillelagh to the knee changes matters. That REALLY upsets Taker even if he doesn't like Dave and the Deadman throws the ring steps into the ring. Kennedy finally works some personality into this one by shouting about Dave kicking out. Frustration. Dave tries for the Demonbomb but the knee won't hold it. They've run that before. Dave has a bad knee and can't hit the powerbomb but then he "sucks it up" and hits it anyway. I'm surprised anyone cares about his matches by this point. Compare my feelings about this match and MVP-Benoit and its world's apart. Taker's psychology has been worthless for his entire career because of the stupid zombie gimmick but that doesn't mean Dave has to stink up the joint as well. Kennedy runs into a spinebuster. Taker gets the hot tag proving himself the bigger man by not nailing Dave in the eye. Besides he figures he can take this match solo. Chokeslam on Kennedy. He's calling for the Tombstone when Dave tags himself in. There's that shit eating grin again. Demonbomb finishes Kennedy off at 21.04.

Winners: Babyfaces by zero psychology **. It was ok until the finish. But only ok. It was mostly pretty dull. But then I think everyone knows how much I hate the Undertaker by now. This run at the top for him as been painful for me thus far and I can foresee only the same to come.

The 411 –

Forget the main event, the awesome this week was brought by MVP and Chris Benoit. They've had two great matches recently and tonight's was better than the solid showing at Wrestlemania. For that match alone the show gets the thumbs up this week.