The Final Fantasy Heat Report: 04.15.07
Posted by Jeff Small on 04.15.2007
Hey If It Takes the Great Khali to Kill off Eugene Once and For All, I’m All for It!!!
Welcome back to another fantastical edition of the Final Fantasy Heat Report. And why yes, it's still the #1 Heat report at 411Mania! In today's edition, we are treated to two squash matches, a main event segment, and a fourth meeting between Val Venis and Kenny! If that doesn't sound like the worst edition of Heat ever, then I don't know what else is needed to top it (hint: Viscera).
So let's knock this one out of the park…
Taped from Raw, it's Online Heat!
Our announcers for this evening are Todd "One Day I'll Be on ECW" Grisham and Jonathan "I Still Hate Announcing" Coachman.
Match 1: Cryme Tyme vs. Bryce Andrews and Mike Bennett
Match Description: Bennett has no relation to Claire or HRG. If he did, then maybe the jobbers would have a chance. Alas, they don't.
Fantasy Finisher Facts: Cryme Tyme will earn points once they hit the G9. It's only a matter of time in this match.
JTG and #1 start. They lockup and JTG hits a quick shoulderblock. After a hiptoss and an arm drag, JTG tries to rile up the crowd but unfortunately, that doesn't work. It's gonna be a long edition of Heat, kids. He boots #1 in the face before tagging in Shad. Shad leapfrogs JTG into #1. A super hip toss sends #1 out of the faces' corner and into his partner's. #2 tags in but runs into a clothesline. Snake eyes and a running forearm levels #2. JTG tags in and dances on the middle rope. #1 pushes JTG off which allows #2 to ram JTG into the jobbers' corner. JTG fights them off with ease before HOT TAGGING Shad. Shad beheads both jobbers with clotheslines before gorilla pressing one of them to the outside. The G9 finishes the other jobber @ 3:20. This was an exact replica of their last jobber squash.
Winners: Cryme Tyme (10 points)
Losers: Andrews and Bennett
Match 2: Kenny Dykstra vs. Val Venis
Match Description: This is match 4 between the two men. Kenny's won the first three so I'm unsure as to why they are still feuding. But if Rey Mysterio could win six matches in a row against super-heel Eddie Guerrero, then anything's possible.
Finisher Fun Facts: Kenny can earn points if he hits his top rope legdrop. Considering he has switched over from that to an inverted swinging neckbreaker, I am not sure if he will earn points tonight. His opponent Venis will if he nails the Money Shot.
Kenny starts the match off with a hip toss. The two men lockup which leads to a Kenny arm drag. Kenny scoop slams Val while the Coach talks about the dead crowd. The two men lockup again; but this time, Val hits a hip toss, arm drag, and a scoop slam. Val chops away and hits his 1999 mid-card offense for 2. Coach jokes about how he expects a Val Venis/Kenny match 7 coming up soon. If that happens, I will never watch Heat again.
Kenny runs into a back elbow but wisely pulls Val off of the ropes. He elbows Val in the back before stepping on his head for 2. A sidewalk slam gets 2 for Kenny. Val fights back but is Irish whipped into the corner. Another elbow drop to the back gets 2. Kenny continues to work on the back of Val's head with an elbow from the ring apron. He chokes Val in the ropes. Val fights back and tries his own suplex but his back gives out. Kenny gets one of his one and a forearm to the back of the head gets 2. Kenny applies the camel clutch.
Val powers out and escapes a scoop slam. He Irish whips Kenny into the clothesline and hits a clothesline. Back body drop follows. A Val neckbreaker gets 2. The Blue Thunder Bomb gets 2. A fisherman's suplex gets 2. Val busts out the Venis Fly Trap submission which gets the first pop out of the crowd. Sadly, Kenny makes the ropes which deflates the crowd again. Val tries for the half-nelson suplex which Kenny pushes out of. Val comes off the ropes with a crucifix which Kenny reverses for the win @ 7:26.
Winner: Kenny (5 points)
Loser: Val Venis (2 points)
Match 3: Chris Masters vs. Mike Edwards
Match Description: I have a sinking feeling that Masters will be appearing on Heat for quite a while.
Finisher Fun Facts: Masters will earn points with the Masterlock. There's no other way this match is ending.
Masters pounds away to start. He puts his opponent in the tree of woe and stomps away. A double underhook suplex continues the squash. He knees the jobber three times in the back before ramming him into the turnbuckle. Masters takes too long to hit a corner clothesline as the jobber moves out of the way at the right time. The jobber unloads with punches but cannot Irish whip Masters. He hits a shoulderblock but his crossbody attempt is caught. Masters uses a backbreaker before applying the Masterlock for the win @ 2:44.
Winner: Chris Masters (10 points)
Loser: Mike Edwards (N/A)
Main Event Segment
Eugene comes out to a mild applause. He takes the T-shirt gun and proceeds to shoot T-shirts into the crowd. Thankfully after a minute of this, the Great Khali comes out and murders Eugene!!! End of Heat.
Well that was quite the way to end this particular snooze-fest. Thankfully, the GREAT KHALI CHOP was enough to drag this Heat above the WHOAT moniker I was about to give it. Thankfully, I have seven days to remove this edition from my memory. It must only get better from here. Until then...
