411's WWE Heat Report 04.22.07
Posted by Scott Slimmer on 04.22.2007
You know what would make Heat like a thousand times better? Matt Facts.
Hey guys and gals, I'm Scott, and this is 411's WWE Heat Report.
Okay kids, it's another hectic week here at the Heat Report. I'm going with the abridged format this week, but I'm going to toss in a little extra thanks to some helpful advice from loyal Heat Report fan Johan Forsling. Johan suggested that even when I don't have time for the full play-by-play it might be fun to throw in a couple of random comments along the way. So while I'm watching the matches I'll just sort of babble about whatever seems appropriate at the time. It'll all be very stream-of-consciousness and may turn out to be a total disaster, but hey, I'll try anything once.
You're probably aware that unlike Raw and Smackdown!, Heat is now available exclusively on WWE.com. The video-on-demand nature of Heat allows me to screen each episode for you while still allowing you to watch all or part of the show after reading my report. I want this column to be a resource to help you decide which segments are worth watching and which segments are worth skipping. However, I also want to cover each segment in detail for those of you who do not have the time, the desire, or the ability to watch Heat yourself. I'm going to try and meet both of these goals by separating this column into a preview and a review. The preview will include the title of each segment, the tag line for each segment, the running time for each segment, and the non-spoiler bottom line on whether or not the segment is worth watching. The review will include a detailed description of all of the action in each segment. Okay kids, enough with the boring stuff. Let's get to the wrestling.
The Preview
Segment 1: Hot Rod Tag Line: Lady Killer Val Venis faces the hulking Dan Rodman. Running Time: 8:21 Bottom Line:: There's nothing all too terribly exciting about this match, but then again there's nothing really wrong with it either. Venis is as solid as ever, and Rodman (TAFKA Daniel Rodimer) doesn't do anything all too blatantly stupid. I guess the real problem is that five minutes after watching this match I can't really remember anything about it, because nothing noteworthy happened. It's just, I dunno, insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Skip it.
Segment 2: German Battle Royal Tag Line: Flash back to Munich, Germany in 1992 and see The British Bulldog, Sgt. Slaughter, and more in a Battle Royal. Running Time: 7:27 Bottom Line:: This is really going to have to be a personal decision; it really depends on whether you're a fan of WWF circa 1992. The action in this match is certainly sub-par, to say the least, but I could see how some people might enjoy getting to see some of their old favorites plodding around the ring. So there you go. Watch it if you're looking for some good early nineties nostalgia, but otherwise just skip it.
Segment 3: Hart Attack Tag Line: Flack back to Sheffield, England in 1992, as Bret Hart takes on Rick Martel. Running Time: 7:29 Bottom Line:: I know we here in the IWC are contractually obligated to never speak ill of Saint Bret, but this is a fairly mediocre outing from one of the all time greats. I just sort of got the feeling that both guys were phoning it during this match. It's pretty easy to find much better matches from both Hart and Martel, so go ahead and skip this one.
Segment 4: Hardy Har Har Tag Line: The elder Hardy brother takes on Raw's Kenny Dykstra. Running Time: 13:06 Bottom Line:: Dude, I rarely get to say this while talking about an episode of Heat, but Matt Hardy is like my own personal hero. Seriously, Matt rules all. I marked so hard when I found out that he was going to be on Heat this week. Anyway, Matt and Hardy have a great Heat match here. It's probably not quite up to the level of Super Crazy vs. Shelton Benjamin from a couple of weeks ago, but it's still better than about ninety-five percent of the matches we see every week. Be sure to watch this match.
The Review
Segment 1: Hot Rod (Val Venis vs. Dan Rodman)
Is it just me, or does Rodman look like the bastard child of Brock Lesnar and Randy Orton? And you know Orton's playing catcher in that one…
Okay, Rodman just blocked a Side Russian Leg Sweep. I don't think I've ever seen that before. But I bet it would be alot harder to block The Sandman's White Russian Leg Sweep…
Um, did the crowd just break into song? Yes, yes they did. What the hell is this, the Impact Zone? That's right, I just besmirched the TNA fans. What, you think TNA fans read the Heat Report? Hell, not even WWE fans read the Heat Report.
Venis gets tossed off the tope rope almost as often as Flair at this point. Luckily, Rodman is still enough of a jobber than Venis is safe in this match.
Match Result: Val Venis defeats Dan Rodman with the Money Shot. Match Length: 4:13 Best Spot: Venis' Half Nelson Slam
Segment 2: German Battle Royal (Battle Royal in Munich, Germany from the WWF European Rampage Tour on August 14, 1992)
Okay, let's run down the participants. Your faces are Bret Hart, The British Bulldog, Road Warrior Hawk, and Sgt. Slaughter. Um, check that. Bret just got tossed. Moron.
Anyway, your heels are The Mountie, Jerry Saggs, The Iron Sheik, and The Repo Man.
Oh Sweet Baby James. Freaking "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan is in the match. Can't we get through one episode of Heat without that mouth breathing inbred imbecile ruining the show? I need a drink.
Dude, Hawk literally just tossed himself over the top rope. We'll blame that one on those mysterious "personal demons" that Jim Ross always talks about.
Did anybody else notice that The Iron Sheik just vanished when we skipped ahead in the match? HUMBLED!
Okay, The British Bulldog and Sgt. Slaughter vs. The Mountie, Jerry Saggs, and the Repo Man? Yeah, the heels are screwed.
And who the hell is that other guy on commentary? I recognize Lord Alfred Hayes, but for the life of me I can't figure out who the other guy might be. Little help?
You know, The Repo Man would be alot more intimidating with some face paint. Oh, wait…
I can't believe that French Canadian bitch just eliminated Sarge. BLAME CANADA! BLAME CANADA!
Oh shit, the shock stick. This never ends well…
Match Result: The British Bulldog wins the Battle Royal. Match Length: 6:39 (shown) Best Spot: Bret Hart getting eliminated ten seconds into the match.
Segment 3: Hart Attack (Bret Hart vs. "The Model" Rick Martel in Sheffield, England from the WWF European Rampage Tour on August 19, 1992)
Dude, seriously, the amount of pink spandex in that ring is absolutely horrifying. This is like Goldust's dream match.
Gorilla Monsoon just said something about "the largest muscle in your body." And then I giggled. For like five minutes. Yeah, I'm slightly less mature than a twelve year old. Deal with it.
Would somebody please tell me why an inverted atomic drop isn't considered a low blow? I'm just sayin', is all…
Those air horns are really starting to piss me off.
Match Result: Bret Hard defeats "The Model" Rick Martel with a small package pin. Match Length: 6:18 (shown) Best Spot: Hart's second rope flying elbow drop
Segment 4: Hardy Har Har (Matt Hardy vs. Kenny Dykstra)
Am I the only one who hears the insane pop every time Matt Hardy steps through the curtain? So how is it that he's never gotten the kind of push that he deserves?
Okay, now the crowd is chanting, "Kenny sucks." Looks like the language of fellatio truly is universal.
I've never been Kenny's biggest fan, but I would like to thank him for losing those bright pink trunks he was sporting a couple of months ago. I nearly went blind during that Hart / Martel match.
Holy shit, Matt just totally pancaked himself with that missed moonsault. That was ugly as all hell. And yet, at the same time, hella sweet. Discuss amongst yourselves.
Holy shit (again), there's a commercial during a match on Heat! Nothing says "main event" like getting a commercial right in the middle of a hot match. I'm guessing they used the time to figure out if Matt was still conscious after that moonsault.
Dude, Matt is selling like Ron Popeil at this point. Matt rules all.
Okay, Kenny just took the Side Effect really well, but have you noticed that alot of guys have been having trouble taking that move lately? They don't seem to understand that you take it just like a Rock Bottom.
Shit, that roll-through Boston Crab that Kenny just pulled off was hella sweet.
Matt Hardy wins! Matt Hardy wins! Matt Hardy wins!
Match Result: Matt Hardy defeats Kenny Dykstra with the Twist of Fate. Match Length: 10:06 (including commercial) Best Spot: Hardy's second rope flying leg drop
Okay kids, that's it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I'll see you back here next weekend.
