411's WWE Heat Report 04.29.07
Posted by Scott Slimmer on 04.29.2007
But... he can't be back... I saw him die... I saw him die...
Hey guys and gals, I'm Scott, and this is 411's WWE Heat Report.
So I was going to share my thoughts on Cade & Murdoch's pissy little internet-fueled diatribe over at WWE.com (and how ironic is that?), but I'm once again hella short on time this week. Don't worry, I'll get to it eventually. There's no way I'm letting those fat, talentless, inbred hicks get away with that shit.
And yes, that last sentence was blatant flame bait. I can only pray that I get into a flame war with Cade & Murdoch. Of course, a flame war must be pretty boring when your opponents don't know how to type… or read…
Anyway, like I said, time is not a luxury that I enjoy at the moment, so we'll be running with the abridged / random comment format again this week. And away we go…
You're probably aware that unlike Raw and Smackdown!, Heat is now available exclusively on WWE.com. The video-on-demand nature of Heat allows me to screen each episode for you while still allowing you to watch all or part of the show after reading my report. I want this column to be a resource to help you decide which segments are worth watching and which segments are worth skipping. However, I also want to cover each segment in detail for those of you who do not have the time, the desire, or the ability to watch Heat yourself. I'm going to try and meet both of these goals by separating this column into a preview and a review. The preview will include the title of each segment, the tag line for each segment, the running time for each segment, and the non-spoiler bottom line on whether or not the segment is worth watching. The review will include a detailed description of all of the action in each segment. Okay kids, enough with the boring stuff. Let's get to the wrestling.
The Preview
Segment 1: Divas Do Battle Tag Line: Mickie James battles Victoria in a Diva-licious Heat opener. Running Time: 8:11 Bottom Line:: Okay, I absolutely love Mickie James and Victoria. They're more or less the only credible female wrestlers left in WWE, they put forth more effort than many of the male wrestlers on the roster, and as a bonus they're both smokin' hot. However, this match was just a disaster from start to finish. Every move seemed to be executed in slow motion with as little impact as possible. I've seen both ladies have much better matches on a regular basis, so I have no idea how things went so horribly wrong here. Let's just chalk it up to an off-night for everybody involved. Skip it.
Segment 2: Masterpiece Theatre Tag Line: Who will get the duke when "The Masterpiece" takes on The Big Valbowski? Running Time: 11:11 Bottom Line:: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, I invite you know to witness the most bizarre booking in the history of Heat. Seriously, I know I'm not supposed to give away any spoilers here in the Preview, but this is like Russo level crazy shit. The in-ring action is fairly mediocre, but the booking is just wacky enough to make the whole segment moderately intriguing. You may just loose a good chunk of next week trying to figure out how somebody in the back thought this was a good idea. Watch it.
Segment 3: Yo, Yo, Yo! Tag Line: The World's Greatest Tag Team heads to da' hood to take on Cryme Tyme. Running Time: 9:35 Bottom Line:: You guys know I love Cryme Tyme, and you guys know I love The World's Greatest Tag Team, so it shouldn't really come as too much of a surprise that I was rather fond of this match. All four guys really busted their asses and put on a match that deserved to have been the main event on this week's episode. They did everything right, but unfortunately the match was a couple of minutes too short to really be considered a Heat classic. However, this is still far-and-away the best match of the show, so be sure to watch it.
Segment 4: A-List Main Event Tag Line: A-list Superstar Johnny Nitro graces Heat with his presence, taking on Eugene in the main event. Running Time: 7:54 Bottom Line:: I'll admit that Johnny Nitro was looking amazing a couple of months ago in his feud with Jeff Hardy, but based on this match it look like much of the credit should have gone to Hardy. It takes someone with an incredible amount of talent and ring savvy to save a match against Eugene from going straight down the crapper, and unfortunately Johnny Nitro comes a more than a bit short here. It's just another eight minutes of my life that I'll never get back. Skip it.
The Review
Segment 1: Divas Do Battle (Mickie James vs. Victoria)
Oh joy, Josh Mathews is still doing commentary. Oh freaking joy. Luckily, Victoria appears right away and makes me feel MUCH better. And then Mickie appears and makes be feel even better than that. Oh yeah, I'm in my happy place. Seriously, how the hell does Mickie actually get hotter every single week?
Victoria takes charge early, takes Mickie down to the mat, and goes for the cover without actually hitting any moves. That was… interesting.
Like I said in the Preview, all of the moves in this match just seem to be in slow motion. Victoria just went for a monkey flip and Mickie flipped over to land on her feet, but the whole thing went so slowly that it was far less impressive than it should have been. And then, just to prove my point again, Victoria just hit Mickie with the softest powerbomb in history.
Ooh, Mickie just went for a back kick, but Victoria caught the leg and pulled Mickie into an inadvertent splits. CM Punk is indeed a very lucky man…
Holy crap, Josh Mathews just compared Mickie James to Masato Tanaka. I bet you never saw that one coming.
Dude, Victoria just hit what I can only refer to as an inverted reverse F5. That was sweet in every way humanly imaginable. And in case you've forgotten, Victoria is a whole lot better lookin' than Brock Lesnar.
Mickie just hit the Mickie-DT for the victory, but DAMN was that weak. There was seriously like no impact there.
Match Result: Mickie James defeats Victoria with the Mickie-DT. Match Length:: 5:38 Best Spot:: Victoria's inverted reverse F5.
Segment 2: Masterpiece Theatre (Val Venis vs. "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters)
They should have Chris Masters adopt an ultra-right wing Christian gimmick. That way he could talk about saying his prayers AND taking his vitamins.
Dude, Val's towel is purple this week. WTF? And when did my life go so horribly wrong that things like the color of Val Venis' towel actually matter to me? I blame Csonka.
Oh shit, Masters is trying to chain wrestler Venis. There's no way that ends well.
Nice hip toss from Venis to Masters. Masters got hella high on that one. He must be traveling with RVD and Sabu these days.
Masters just mounted Venis. I think we all knew his career would end up like this one day. Oh, and now Masters has Venis in an abdominal stretch, but Venis is gyrating very provocatively while trying to escape. It honestly looks like Masters is dry humping Venis. Of course, Viscera used to do that every week, so I guess this is nothing new for Heat. How the hell did I get assigned to the show with all the dude-on-dude dry humping? I blame Csonka.
OH DAMN! Masters just caught Venis with a THUNDEROUS spine-buster. That was like Big-Dave-in-his-prime awesome.
OH SNAP! Masters wins with the Masterlock Slam, i.e., a full-Nelson slam. That's great considering one of Venis's trademark moves is the half-Nelson slam.
Match Result: "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters defeats Val Venis with the Masterlock Slam. Match Length:: 4:55 Best Spot:: Masters' spine-buster
After the match, Masters heads up the ramp and disappears behind the curtain, but Venis goes all Samoa Joe and demands a rematch… RIGHT HERE… RIGHT NOW! Masters heads back down to the ring, and it looks like we're ready for the rematch.
Venis takes it right to Masters and hits a spine-buster of his own followed by the Money Shot for the pin in less than a minute. Good luck trying to figure out that booking. Seriously, were they worried about making Venis look week? I'd make a joke about Val doin' somebody in the back, but that's too obvious, even for me.
Match Result: Val Venis defeats "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters with the Money Shot. Match Length:: 0:44 Best Spot:: Venis' Money Shot
Segment 3: Yo, Yo, Yo! (Cryme Tyme vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team)
Yo, yo, yo, yo! Let me just say that I totally mark for both teams in this match. Granted, they're awesome in totally different ways, but it's all good in the hood. And yes, I do watch too much ECW.
Why the hell are people booing the freaking World's Greatest Tag Team? Seriously, no joke here. It just hurts my head when people boo awesome wrestlers.
Hey, Shad is starting for Cryme Tyme this week. We don't get to see that too often. I guess this must be the non-jobber game plan. Check that. Chad just tagged in JTG like thirty seconds into the match.
I would totally mark for Cryme Tyme and Shelton Benjamin forming The Nation of Domination 2K7. With Eric Young in the Owen Hart role.
JTG just connected with a slingshot splash to Shelton Benjamin off of Shad's shoulders. These guys seem to pull out a new move every week.
Oh shit, Benjamin damn near decapitated JTG with a super kick on the apron. JTG is dead on the apron.
JTG is trying to mat wrestler Shelton Benjamin. Um, dude? Brock Lesnar couldn't mat wrestler Shelton Benjamin. Time for a new game plan.
Haas has JTG in a half-Boston crab and Shad is begging for the hot tag. Haas tags in Benjamin, but JTG catches him with a DDT and finally makes the tag. Shad is cleanin' house! He just damn near sent Haas into the rafters with a back body drop. JTG victory rolls Benjamin OVER THE TOPE ROPE, and Cryme Tyme kills Haas with the G9 for the victory.
Match Result: Shad Gaspard defeats Charlie Haas with the G9. Match Length:: 6:51 Best Spot:: JTG's slingshot splash off of Shad Gaspard's shoulders
Segment 4: A-List Main Event (Eugene vs. Johnny Nitro)
Oh fuck that. If we're going to be stuck with Johnny Nitro on Heat, the least he could do is bring Melina along to make me happy. Very, very happy.
NO! NO! NO! How is Eugene alive? I saw The Great Khali KILL HIM two weeks ago! I SAW HIM DIE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT! I SAW THAT MORON DIE! I hate Heat.
By the way, Eugene is absolutely terrifying with the short hair and full beard. I'm just sayin'… Oh, and he's alarmingly pale when standing next to Nitro.
So Johnny Nitro flexes his abs in Eugene's general direction, and Eugene responds by shaking his ass in Nitro's general direction. And now Eugene is BITING NITRO'S ASS. I hate Heat.
I miss Rob Conway. He always had great matches with Eugene. Johnny Nitro, you are no Rob Conway.
Johnny Nitro is using a wide variety of submission moves that seem to have no effect on Eugene but make me want to tap out just to stop the suffering.
Nitro connects with a throat thrust and a scoop slam but only gets a two count. He kicks Eugene in the head and then slams Eugene's head into the top turnbuckle. Wonderful. Now you've made it angry. Fuck you, Johnny Nitro. Fuck you.
Nitro's pants are very shiny. No joke here. Just some really shiny pants.
And then Nitro channels Rick Rude, hits the Rude Awakening, and mercifully brings this mess to an end.
Match Result: Johnny Nitro defeats Eugene with the Rude Awakening. Match Length:: 5:42 Best Spot:: Nitro's Rude Awakening
Okay kids, that's it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I'll see you back here next weekend.
