411's WWE Heat Report 05.06.07
Posted by Scott Slimmer on 05.06.2007
Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch take on Eugene & “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, and I’m just praying for a pair of botched West Texas Destroyers…
Hey guys and gals, I'm Scott, and this is 411's WWE Heat Report.
Look, you all know I hate Small with a fiery passion usually reserved for mildly retarded professional wrestlers, but I have to give credit where credit is due. Small had by far the funniest damn line of the week in his most current Final Fantasy Heat Report:
"Our announcers for this evening are Todd Grisham and that annoying douchebag from last week."
I laughed my ass off when I read that. Truer words have never been spoken. Sure, I'm probably one of only like five people on the planet who's had to listen to this fuck nut for the last few weeks, but all five of us hardily applaud Small for calling it like it is.
Anyway, I think we have some wrestling to discuss. You're probably aware that unlike Raw and Smackdown!, Heat is now available exclusively on WWE.com. The video-on-demand nature of Heat allows me to screen each episode for you while still allowing you to watch all or part of the show after reading my report. I want this column to be a resource to help you decide which segments are worth watching and which segments are worth skipping. However, I also want to cover each segment in detail for those of you who do not have the time, the desire, or the ability to watch Heat yourself. I'm going to try and meet both of these goals by separating this column into a preview and a review. The preview will include the title of each segment, the tag line for each segment, the running time for each segment, and the non-spoiler bottom line on whether or not the segment is worth watching. The review will include a detailed description of all of the action in each segment. Okay kids, enough with the boring stuff. Let's get to the wrestling.
The Preview
Segment 1: Sportsmen of the Year? Tag Line: The sportsmanlike duo of Cade & Murdoch kick off Heat, taking on Hacksaw Jim Duggan & Eugene. Running Time: 13:38 Bottom Line: It's hard enough to drag Eugene to a decent match when he's on his own, but it's damn near impossible to do it when he's teaming with fellow nitwit extraordinaire "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. Seriously, you'd need to have, I dunno, like Shawn Michaels and Harley Race teaming together just to get enough awesome to counteract the mind-numbing stupidity of Eugene and Duggan. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch may have been trained by the aforementioned legends, but they're not yet at that level themselves. They let Eugene and Duggan's asinine antics overwhelm the match, and the result is just as wretched as you'd expect it to be. Skip it.
Segment 2: I'm Rory McAllister… Tag Line: Watch as Rory and cousin Robbie, The Highlanders, take on John Everett & Christian Jacobs. Running Time: 6:18 Bottom Line: Some of our Heat tag team regulars like Cryme Tyme, The World's Greatest Tag Team, and Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch have the ability to make a squash match entertaining and seemingly competitive, but unfortunately The Highlanders aren't really one of those teams. Rory and Robbie can be entertaining from time to time and do seem to bust their asses in the ring, but they work much better when they're competing against another established team who can carry their weight in the match. This bottom line: is that the Highlanders are simply too gimmicky for their own good, and the quality of their matches suffers because out if. Skip it.
Segment 3: Whodunit? Tag Line: Take a look back to Raw, as John Cena finds out who took out all his competition. Running Time: 6:19 Bottom Line: This segment is comprised entirely of highlights from the 04.30.07 episode of Raw, so you can skip it if you already saw that episode. However, feel free to watch it if you missed Raw, just want a nice recap of recent events, or don't like to miss a chance to see Randy Orton get his ass kicked.
Segment 4: Getting' Their Heat On Tag Line: It's Cryme Tyme in this week's main event, as Shad & JTG take on Chris Masters & Viscera. Running Time: 11:18 Bottom Line: Oh dear. Cryme Tyme rules all, but even they have a tough time beating an entertaining match out of Chris Masters & Viscera. However, Cryme Tyme do bring the awesome, and it was actually kind of nice to see Viscera in action again. He may not be the best worker in the world, but he's absolutely amazing for his size. On the other hand, Master is just… um… oh hell, anything I say here is just going to be libelous, so I better just shut my cocksucker. At any rate this is by far the best match of the show, so go ahead and watch it.
The Review
Segment 1: Sportsmen of the Year? (Eugene & "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch)
DAMN! One week ago Cade & Murdoch were curtain-jerkin' a pay-per-view, and now they're curtain-jerkin' Heat. That's gotta hurt. I'm guessing it's punishment for Cade's continued insistence on wearing those assless chaps.
Oh look, it's the moron twins. Every sphincter in my body just clenched. I hate these guys. But I'll laugh my ass off if they beat Cade & Murdoch.
Um, Eugene is riding around the ring on Duggan's wood. Wait, that doesn't sound right…
By the way, we're now a minute and a half into the match and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. Eugene is now shaking his groove thing for no particular reason. Cade tries to get the action started, but Eugene responds by shaking his ass in Cade's general direction. I hate my life.
Lance Cade finally catches Eugene and immediately drops down to the mat and into a rest hold. Looks like somebody forgot his cardio workout this week…
Cade just tagged Murdoch into the match, and now I'm literally praying to see Murdoch go for the West Texas Destroyer on Eugene. Actually, I'm praying to see Murdoch botch the West Texas Destroyer on Eugene. Wow, that really made me sound like an asshole. Oh well, it is what it is.
Mmm… Mickie… We cut to a commercial in the middle of the match, and Mickie James is here talking about… um… something... or something… Mickie makes me happy… I'm now typing with only my left hand.
Fuck, Eugene's back. Talk about ruining a moment. Anyway, Eugene gets hit with Cade & Murdoch's inverted atomic drop / big boot combination and then rolls out of the ring and down to the arena floor. The funny thing is that Duggan walks over to him and applauds for absolutely no reason. Seriously, who applauds when their tag team partner get the shit kicked out of him? A freaking moron, that's who.
Cade & Murdoch have been making frequent tags, but Duggan hasn't tagged into the match even once. Normally I'd be all in favor of Duggan staying out of a match, but it's sort of a push when the alternative is Eugene.
I will admit, there's a certain perverse pleasure to be had from watching Cade & Murdoch beat the snot out of Eugene. And just as I say that, Eugene FINALLY manages to tag Duggan into the match. Duggan and Murdoch are the legal men, and I think the universe might actually implode if Duggan is able to successfully take the West Texas Destroyer without killing himself. Instead, Murdoch connects with a DDT and picks up the victory. Seriously, a DDT? Sure, Raven somehow makes it look credible, but not so much with Trevor Murdoch.
Match Result: Trevor Murdoch defeats "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan with a DDT. Match Length: 10:10 Best Spot: Cade & Murdoch's inverted atomic drop / big boot combination
Segment 2: I'm Rory McAllister… (The Highlanders vs. John Everett & Christian Jacobs)
And here come The Highlanders. Dude, I would LOVE if they brought in Vito as the third Highlander. He seems like he'd enjoy wearing a kilt.
Okay, this is going to sound monumentally pointless, but I just want to say how impressed I am that the jobbers are wearing matching trunks. Most of the time it seems like the tag team jobbers on Heat are just two singles jobbers thrown together for one match, but these guys actually seem like a coherent team of jobbers. Like I said, kinda pointless, but I like well dressed jobbers.
"I'm Robbie!" Thanks. No shit. You're also not wearing pants, so shut the hell up.
The jobbers have momentarily taken control of the match and have Robbie trapped in their corner. One of the jobbers locks in an arm bar submission, but Robbie fights out of the hold and connects with a back breaker. Both men tag their partners, and Rory is cleaning house. OH SHIT! Rory just killed one of the jobbers with an absolutely brutal forearm shot to the back of the head. That kid is dead. Anyway, the Scot Drop finishes off the other jobber for the win.
WOOO! We finish up with a commercial for the new Ric Flair & the Four Horsemen DVD set. That puppy looks sweet as hell.
Match Result: Rory McAllister defeats one of the jobbers with the Scot Drop. Match Length: 4:14 Best Spot: The Highlanders' Scot Drop
Segment 3: Whodunit? (Highlights from the 04.30.07 episode of Raw)
We start off with the WWE Slam of the Week showing Shawn Michaels, Edge, and Randy Orton getting decimated at various points during Raw last week. We then move on to highlights of John Cena in the ring calling out the mystery assailant. Dude, to me this looked like it had Triple H written all over it. I would have marked like hell if Super Heel Triple H had come through that curtain and killed Cena a few months ahead of schedule. I've heard that various people were expecting CM Punk or maybe even Mick Foley, and both of those guys would have been great, but Triple H would have been absolutely spectacular. Of course, it all went to hell when The Great Khali showed his ugly face. The worse case scenario is of course John Cena vs. The Great Khali in a singles match for the WWE Championship at Judgment Day. The best case scenario? With the planned Hell in a Cell Match between The Undertaker and Batista having to be scrapped due to The Undertaker's injury, I'm guessing we're heading toward an Elimination Chamber Match with John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Edge vs. Randy Orton vs. The Great Khali vs. Umaga.
And speaking of Umaga, we finish up with a commercial for Umaga. Not a commercial for an upcoming match featuring Umaga, just a commercial for Umaga. That was, um, interesting.
Segment 4: Getting' Their Heat On (Cryme Tyme vs. Chris Masters & Viscera)
No joke, all of the following words are actually recognized by Microsoft Word's spell checker as legitimate words: "sportsmanlike," "whodunit," and "cocksucker." I cannot believe that "cocksucker" is in the Word spell checker. I love Microsoft.
So wait, now Viscera is teaming with Chris Masters? How many tag team partners has that dude had? And I'm just talking about Heat here, so no fair listing Mo… or Naked Mideon. Actually, let's just make that a general rule and never speak of Naked Mideon again. But yeah, I know that Viscera has teamed with Val Venis and Charlie Haas, but it really seems like I'm forgetting somebody. Damn, who was that? And how sad is it that I'm the Heat Reporter, and even I can't remember?
I love the fact that Chris Masters is stuck on Heat. I guess even Vince McMahon has moments of clarity from time to time.
Dude, Shad is one big dude, but he's absolutely dwarfed by Viscera. OH SHIT! Viscera just hit Shad with the Back Hole Slam. He got Shad all the way around, and like I said, Shad is one big dude. That was awesome.
And now Masters is back in the match. Oh well, shit happens.
So the heels are going with the frequent tags, and Shad is actually playing face-in-peril. Usually it's JTG that gets the Ricky Morton treatment, but Shad is doing a great job playing the part. It's actually a nice bit of subtle storytelling. There's no way that Shad could realistically be the face-in-peril against most teams, because usually he's far and away the biggest guy in the match. However, in this case he's certainly smaller than Viscera and may weight a bit less than Masters, so it makes sense that they could overpower him. Mad props to the bookers in the back.
JTG finally makes the hot tag and cleans house using his speed and agility. We're nearing the end of the match, and I will mark for like a week if these guys actually hit Viscera with the G9. I know that's probably not physically possible, but it would be awesome if they could. In the end JTG catches Masters will a roll-up pin for the victory, but I still think a G9 on Viscera would have been spectacular.
Match Result: JTG defeats Chris Masters with a roll-up pin. Match Length: 8:00 Best Spot: Viscera's Back Hole Slam
Okay kids, that's it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I'll see you back here next weekend.
