The Final Fantasy Heat Report 5.18.07

Posted by Sam Caplan on 05.18.2007

Six Man Tag Team Action highlights this week's Heat!

Damn, becoming a fill-in TV recapper is becoming like a second career for me. It's somewhat fitting that I get to do the Final Fantasy Heat Report since I have been basically glued to Final Fantasy 7 for the last few weeks. More on that tomorrow in Friendly Competition. As for right now...let's get this over with.

Your hosts this week are the esteemed Todd Grisham and Jonathan Coachman, with Joey Styles doing backstage interview. No, I was only kidding about that last part.

Match 1: Viscera vs Eugene

Match Description: I can tell already that this show is where the recipients of failed pushes go to die.

Eugene hugs the ref (which I guess is kind of like a WWE-themed Code Of Honor), then does the Rick Rude hip swivel, only much worse than Rude did it. Eugene dodges a charge in the corner and tries to run away from Big Vis, but Vis catches him in the corner with some chops and then Beels him across the ring. Viscera with a big bodyslam...and he stands there looking at Eugene. Eugene makes a comeback and takes Viscera into the corner, but Viscera cuts that short with a headbutt which sends Eugene down to the mat, where Viscera stands on him. Hey, whatever works. Eugene eats an elbow off the ropes and then takes a big elbowdrop from the big man from "Harlem". Viscera pounds Eugene in the corner again, but misses a cross corner charge. Eugene tries one of his own, but eats boot. Viscera takes him to the corner, but Eugene tards up and does the Hulk Hogan comeback (proving that any retard can work Hogan's moveset) and takes him down with a flying shoulderblock for two. Eugene off the ropes and runs right into the Boss Man Slam for three. Angry Viscera picks up the win and then does his own Rick Rude hip swivel.

Winner: Viscera

Judgment Day promo featuring Edge defending the World title against Batista.

Match 2: Highlanders vs Phil Brown & Wayne Costyal

Match Description: WWE still does squash matches? COOL!

I'm not sure which jobber is which, but the white guy exchanges headlocks and hammerlocks with Robbie, who sticks White Guy's head under the kilt. Rory slams Robbie onto White Guy, then tags Robbie back in for some European uppercuts. Double hiptoss on White Guy and a double headbutt. White Guy tags out to Black Guy, who quickly finds himself in the corner for the goofy doubleteam shoulderblock, and then another one. Rory with the springboard knee to the nads, but he misses an elbowdrop. Black Guy takes over with some elbows to the arm of Rory, then he and White Guy make some quick tags and work over the arm. Black Guy takes a top wristlock, but Rory reverses to a belly to back suplex in short order and makes the lukewarm tag to Robbie, who comes in and cleans house. Robbie flapjacks White Guy onto Black Guy, and the Highlanders do a cool inverted double slingshot suplex (the name of which I didn't catch, but sounded something like the Scud Drop) and get the win.

Winner: The Highlanders

Promo for the Wrestlemania 23 Ultimate Limited Edition DVD set...IN STORES THIS TUESDAY!

We go back to Raw to once more witness John Cena's heartfelt promo on the Great Khali and Khali's articulate as always response. As a funny note, the guy sitting next to me at work right now asked what Khali was saying since it just sounded like unintelligible wailing. I said that's pretty much what it is, but even when he speaks in English you can't understand a word he says. It's like being on the phone withe Dell Tech Support. Of course this finishes with Khali messing Cena up in the back. Remember folks, Great Khali, next WWE Champion. You heard it here first!

Another promo for Judgment Day, this one focusing on Khali vs Cena.

Main Event: Johnny Nitro & The World's Greatest Tag Team vs Hacksaw Jim Duggan & Cryme Tyme

Match Description: Having Nitro, Haas and Benjamin on this show is criminal. Why does Duggan still have a job and why is he wearing shorts he should be saving for a family barbecue? And by the way, after years of sledgehammers, hooks and chains, tasers,

Duggan and Nitro start. Poor Johnny. Nitro takes him to the ropes and attacks on the break, Duggan reverses a whip and takes down Nitro with a series of clotheslines. Nitro responds to "USAAAAAA!" with a dropkick in the face and tags out to Haas. Interesting note as Duggan was a high school state wrestling champion in New York, but somehow Haas impresses me more. Duggan tags out to JTG, who nails Haas with an elbow, a whoopee cushion, and a series of clotheslines. Haas takes him to the ropes and pounds him, JTG off the ropes and ducks a leapfrog and nails Haas with a dropkick. Benjamin tries to come in, but Shad knocks him to the outside and we get what passes for a commercial break on the internet, which basically consists of John Cena saying his catchphrases and showing off his lame belt. Back from break, JTG gets caught in the corner and tries to fight his way out, but eats a big kick from Benjamin and Haas takes over. Haas pounds him in the corner and tags out to Shelton, who slams JTG on Haas's knee. Shelton with a mafia kick to JTG for two. Nitro tags in and gets a neckbreaker for two, then does the ol' Double Dragon sitdown punch and we HIT THE CHINLOCK! JTG gets an uppercut off a backdrop attempt and tries to tag, but Nitro drags him back into his corner and tags Haas in for an elbowdrop for two, and we go back to the chinlock. JTG tries to get away, but Haas hits a German suplex for two. Hey, I thought WWE guys weren't allowed to steal each other's moves. Shelton tags back in...and it's back to the chinlock! He's really cranking on it, too. JTG slides out of a slam attempt and hits a DDT, allowing him to make the hot tag. Shad is in and clotheslines Haas and Benjamin, then powerslams Nitro. Shad with snake eyes on Shelton and a big clothesline for two. The heels are triple teaming Shad and it turns into a confusing mini-brawl, leading to Cryme Tyme hitting some weird finisher thing for three. That was a horrible finisher.

Winners: Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Cryme Tyme

Was this show really only 36 minutes long? Wow, that's...weird somehow. Anyway, Small's presumably back next week, so maybe this report will get a little more back to normal then. As for me, it's back to work and then going home to fight Ruby WEAPON. Goodbye, everybody!