411's WWE Heat Report 5.27.07

Posted by Daniel Wilcox on 05.27.2007

Now with more Santino Marella!

Hello and welcome, all, to the best Heat Report on not just 411, but the whole freakin' internet. Even better than Small's. Your usual recapper Mr. Slimmer had better things to do this weekend than watch a Highlanders squash, so I, Daniel C. Wilcox, will be your host for today's report. It's the third time in about two months that I've covered Heat and so far I've enjoyed the show every time. Let's hope the trend continues today, shall we?

Cue the Heat video, cue Coach and Grisham on commentary and cue thousands of not-so-excited fans almost screaming their heads off! It's Heat, baby!

The Highlanders vs. Jeff Michaels and Wyatt Lara

Robbie start us off with one of the jobber. Robbie counters out of a waist lock by standing on the other guy's toe. Rory gets a blind tag but the jobber is too focused on Robbie and gets caught with some right hands from Rory and an uppercut. Rory takes the jobber into the Highlanders' corner and tags Robbie back in. Robbie toys around with the poor guy and hits a one-armed scoop slam before making another quick tag to his partner. Rory in, and slams Robbie on top of the jobber. The jobber fights back and surprises Rory with a right hand before diving to his partner to make a tag. The other guy comes in and ducks a right from Rory and connects with one of his own. Rory comes back with a headbutt to the back of the head and then takes the jobber into the corner and bounces his head off the top turnbuckle. And now Rory takes the jobber (I think Jeff Michaels) into another corner and does the same. And again, this time with more speed. Side headlock applied by Rory who then tags Robbie back in. The Highlanders whip Michaels into a double back elbow and then drop a pair of headbutts before the referee forces Rory out of the ring. Robbie hits another scoop slam before climbing to the second rope and attempting a elbow drop half way across the ring which doesn't connect, allowing Michaels to get the tag to his partner. Wyatt comes in and fires off with clubbing blows to the left arm of the Highlander. Robbie fights back with a pair of right hands to the gut and a jawbreaker, creating enough distance for him to crawl over to his partner and make the tag. Michaels also gets the tag but runs straight into a right hand from Rory. And another. High-elevation flapjack from Rory. Lara charges and goes for a clothesline but it's ducked and Rory sends Lara to the floor via a clothesline over the top rope. Rory tags in Robbie by slapping him across the face. The Scott Drop gets the three count for Robbie and the Highlanders pick up a win.

Can you say squash? No? Well, can you say bored to tears?

SHILL – The WrestleMania 23 DVD is available now, wherever DVDs are sold! Buy it, suckers!

Eugene vs. Dan Rodman

The retard is here to take on a relative newcomer in Rodman. Rodman looks like the lovechild of Kenny Dykstra and Heidenreich as Coach labels him the next big star in the WWE. Eugene offers his hand to the referee and it is reciprocated, and he gets a hug, but no such luck as Rodman swats Eugene's hand away. Eugene goes for a body slam early but he can't lift Rodman who responds with one of his own. Rodman forces Eugene into a corner and tries to choke the life of Eugene. Do it! The referee stops him giving Eugene a chance to wiggle his ass at Rodman. This of course, pisses off the blue chipper but Eugene bails to the floor so he can do it again. Rodman out, Eugene in, Rodman onto the apron and Eugene bites his fingers. This is so depressing. Eugene poses but almost gets his head taken off from a clothesline. Rodman now goes to work with some intense stomping and a pair of elbow drops followed up by more choking. Delayed vertical suplex from Rodman gets a two count. Rodman now goes for a bear hug but after a while simply drives Eugene into a corner. Back to the bear hug now but Eugene musters up the strength to fight his way out of it. He goes for a slam again but Rodman falls on top of him, hooks the leg and gets a two count. Rodman takes Eugene into a corner and because he's never seen a Eugene match before, slams his head off the turnbuckle allowing the retard to "Eugene-up" and come back with right hand and Eugene finally hits the body slam. He's shocked himself but gets a cover for two. Rodman elbows out of a Rock Bottom and hits a full nelson slam for the three count and the win.

Squash. Again. Move on.

SHILL – Saturday Night's Main Event. It's next Saturday, the day before a pay-per-view.

Chuck Palumbo vs. Charlie Haas

Palumbo gets a nice pop because everyone loves motorbikes. They lock up and Palumbo counters out of a hip toss with a clothesline in the early going. Haas attempts to work the shoulder of Palumbo but Chucky comes back with a shoulder block taking down the graduate of Seton Hall University. Haas gets two kicks right to the knee of Palumbo and then wrenches his arm over the top rope. Back in, Haas gets a straight kick to the chest and arm of Palumbo before ramming the big guy's arm into the turnbuckle. Palumbo reverses a whip but misses a shoulder tackle into the corner and wraps his own arm around the steel ringpost. Haas continues the work on the arm only for Chuck to fight back but Charlie comes back with a boot to the jaw. More arm work by Haas as this match starts to get really dull. Charlie runs into a back elbow and a kick is blocked and Palumbo drills Haas with a clothesline. Belly-to-belly gets 2 for Palumbo. Huge big boot by Palumbo. Chuck hoists Haas onto his shoulders a la the dominator and turns Haas onto face a la roll of the dice. Impressive looking, and it gets the win for Palumbo.

SHILL – The Dusty Rhodes DVD. Hasn't that been out for months? Do they not have more important things to promote like the pay-per-view next week?

Non-title – Santino Marella vs. Shelton Benjamin

Lock up, knee to the gut by Mr Benjamin but gets caught by an overhead throw that almost gets a 2 count for Marella. He fires off with right hands but a big boot attempt in the corner is blocked and the former multi-time IC champ thrust kicks the knee joint of Marella. Benjamin works the usual offence on the knee as Marella tries to get the crowd behind him. Chop block by Benjamin. Shelton now goes for a modified standing leg lock before quickly turning it into a single leg Boston crab. How I miss Lance Storm! Again, Marella tries to get the crowd behind him and fight out but Shelton cuts him off in his attempts. Benjamin goes back to the submission holds only this time Marella does fight back and hits an enziguri to turn the tide in this match-up. Santino fires off with forearms and a kick (which he sells as he kicked with the leg Benjamin had been working on). Benjamin cuts Santino's momentum dead with a low dropkick to the leg. Oklahoma roll from Shelton is countered in a pinning predicament from Marella and it gets the win for the IC champ!

And that does it for a lacklustre edition of Heat. I miss Val Venis. I miss Super Crazy. Anywho, Slimmer will be back next week with the usual Heat report while you can check me out in the Fink's Payload tomorrow and Schmozzes and Screwjobs on Tuesday. Until then, feel the HEAT!