The RAWtopsy 5.28.07

by J.D. Dunn May 28, 2007 Live from Toronto, Ontario. Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. Diva Waterfight Battle Royal. Your participants are Mickie, Maria, Jillian, the Exposé girls, Melina, Michelle McCool, & Kristal. Lots of screencap worthy visuals here as the girls fights with balloons and noodles and buckets of water. It all comes down to Melina and Michelle. Melina hauls her up in a Fireman’s Carry, but Michelle slips out of it and kicks her to the floor around six minutes in. Harmless fun. 1/2* Shane-O-Mac is out as acting GM. He officially announces the three-hour tri-branded Draft. Well, that’s really kind of pointless, considering everyone just shows up where they want to anyway. In TV terms, it’s what you call a “cheap ratings ploy.” That is unless the draft becomes a way to do away with the brand split altogether. Eight-Man Tag: The Hardy Boyz, Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team, Johnny Nitro & Lenny Dykstra. Interestingly, Nitro and Melina’s onscreen relationship seems to have dissolved, but they’re sharing custody of the music. The Hardyz work in their doubleteams on Benjamin early. Benjamin drives Matt into the corner and tags in Haas. The heels aren’t on top for long as Murdoch tags in and wipes out TWGTT with a flying crossbody from the top to the floor! AIR TEXAS! We come back from a break to Jeff getting kicked from the outside to take over the face-in-peril role. Jeff hits a sleeper drop on Dykstra, allowing him to tag Matt. Matt hits that DDT/Reverse DDT combo on Nitro and Dykstra. Nice sell by Nitro there. That leads to the Twist of Fate and Swanton on Dykstra for the win at 14:34. After the match, TWGTT interrupts the celebration and says the Hardyz didn’t beat them, so they want a title shot. Matt accepts, which wouldn’t be anything of note except that you can see Cade and Murdoch in the background wondering why they don’t get a title shot since they’ve been behaving themselves. **1/4 Ever notice how many Bowflex commercials there are on WWE TV? Does that really work, do you think? I mean, I know there are probably a lot of WWE fans who think they can work out fifteen minutes a day, three days a week and wind up on Smackdown a few months later. Other than that, though, is there really a lot of demand for exercise equipment from wrestling fans? Otherwise, they’re just preying on the weak-willed with these repetitive commercials. John Cena delivers a veritable sermon promising that he will defeat the Great Khali. Maria, whose hair has recovered nicely after the water fight, asks Santino Marella what he thinks about the possibility of being drafted to another brand. Marella says he’s just happy to be here and flirts with Maria using his evil Italian accent. I watch The Sopranos. Don’t trust him, Maria! Randy Orton interrupts to defend himself against the scurrilous comments of one Robert Van Dam made on WWE.com. Randy Orton vs. Rob Van Dam. JR explains that RVD marches to his own drummer. I think he marches to Pink Floyd’s drummer, actually. Sign in the front row: “Another headlock, Randy?” Normally, that would come off as smarmy instead of funny, but Randy actually did have a headlock on at that point. Van Dam gets a legscissors for two. Oh yeah! Scissor me! Scissor me timbers! Orton takes a breather and knees RVD in the gut. Van Dam comes back with a spinkick, but Orton rolls out of the ring to avoid Rolling Thunder. Van Dam goes up, but Orton dropkicks him all the way from the top rope to the barrier! We come back to Randy holding – what else – a chinlock. Van Dam blocks a charge and avoids a dropkick. ROLLING THUNDER! The split-legged moonsault gets two. Van Dam slips going up, so Orton rolls to the apron, thinking he’s safe. RVD hits him with a thrust kick anyway, knocking him into the railing. Randy kicks him in the head and hits the rope-assisted DDT. It gets two, and RVD is suddenly glassy-eyed, disoriented, drooling and unresponsive. Wait a minute! He’s always like that. Orton kicks him in the head, and the referee is forced to stop the match at 16:24. After the match, Orton waits for him to get up and hits a wicked RKO, which RVD decides to sell by landing square on his melon. Hey, give Rob credit for putting Randy over strong on his way out. **1/2 God, I gotta get a Bowflex. Intergender Tag: Ric Flair & Torrie Wilson vs. Carlito & Victoria. Flair puts Victoria in the figure-four early, but Carlito spins them over, forcing Flair to sell for Victoria. Carlito dropkicks Flair’s knee out from under him, and the heels go to work on it. A heel miscommunication allows Torrie to tag in. Torrie hits the Papercut for two, but Carlito pulls her off and kisses her. She doesn’t care for that, so she slaps him, leading to a Backstabber at 3:36. 1/2* Khali and Umaga have a meeting of the minds. Shane McMahon plays peacemaker and gets in the line of the year by calling them the worst prom couple ever. Chris Masters interrupts “The Kiss Cam” and challenges Santino Marella to the Masterlock Challenge. And he calls him “mozzarella”! OH SNAP, SON! Marella runs down and brawls with Masters, but he gets caught with a shoulderbreaker and put out with the Masterlock, despite the cheering of the lovely Maria. Ha ha! “Mozzarella!” John Cena & Bobby Lashley vs. Shane McMahon, The Great Khali & Umaga. Didn’t I mention a few months ago that they should pair up Khali and Umaga as the new Colossal Connection? I believe I did. Now they just need to bring Demolition back. They could hire Adam Pearce as Smash III. Sign in front: Smart Marks Hate Cena. Now that’s just not true. Men in general hate Cena, as demonstrated by the deep “Cena Sucks!” chants responding to the much higher pitched “Let’s go Cena!” chants. Cena starts out hot, hitting a flurry of moves on Umaga. He gets caught in the heel corner, though. They find the perfect use for Khali: tag him, let him hit one move, make him tag back out. Shane locks in a bodyscissors. OH YEAH! MORE SCISSORING! Cena powers to his corner and tags Lashley. Lashley cleans house on Umaga, but Umaga blocks a spear. Khali breaks up a bodyslam but gets tied up in the ropes. Lashley drags Shane in, but Khali is able to free himself and Tree Slam Lashley. Shane adds the flying elbowdrop at 7:59. ** The 411: Meh. Kind of boring tonight outside of Orton & RVD. The injuries to Shawn and Triple H may be blessings in disguise because now other guys have to take the ball and run with it if they want the ratings to stay steady.