411’s WWE Heat Report 07.08.07
Posted by Scott Slimmer on 07.08.2007
We’ve got a legitimate five star classic and gratuitous T & A on a special summer fun edition of Heat. Oh, and there’s an awesome talking dog in the weed commercial.
Hey guys and gals, I'm Scott, and this is 411's WWE Heat Report.
You ever get that strange déjà vu feeling? Like you've done this all before? Like you've fought this fight and won this war but now it's happening all over again? Because that's how I feel right now. Like I'm trapped in a nightmare that I thought I woke up from more than a year ago. And it's all thanks to that little piece of shit Small. You've probably noticed that something crawled up Small's ass and now he's trying to piss me off for no other reason than to prove what a little bitch he really is. Well you know what, Small? Not this time. I'm not playing your little game all over again. I'm not falling into your trap and wasting my time in a pissing contest with a sad little hack like you just to give the guys in the forums something to laugh about. I am so over this shit. So know your role, shut your mouth, and go find somebody else to play your damn game. I've got a Heat Report to write. The best damn Heat Report on the net.
Anyway, I think we have some wrestling to discuss. You're probably aware that unlike Raw and Smackdown!, Heat is now available exclusively on WWE.com. The video-on-demand nature of Heat allows me to screen each episode for you while still allowing you to watch all or part of the show after reading my report. I want this column to be a resource to help you decide which segments are worth watching and which segments are worth skipping. However, I also want to cover each segment in detail for those of you who do not have the time, the desire, or the ability to watch Heat yourself. I'm going to try and meet both of these goals by separating this column into a preview and a review. The preview will include the title of each segment, the tag line for each segment, the running time for each segment, and the non-spoiler bottom line on whether or not the segment is worth watching. The review will include a detailed description of all of the action in each segment. Okay kids, enough with the boring stuff. Let's get to the wrestling.
The Preview
Segment 1:London Calling Tag Line: Bret Hart battled British Bulldog for the Intercontinental Championship at SummerSlam 1992 in London. Running Time: 8:00 Bottom Line: This is one of the greatest wrestling matches of all time. It's a legitimate five star classic. And it's on Heat. So watch it. Seriously. Watch it. It'll raise your I.Q., lower your cholesterol, and make you a better lover. Yeah, it's that good. Watch it.
Segment 2:Cruel Summer Tag Line: In 2004, Chavo Guerrero met Rey Mysterio for the Cruiserweight gold at The Great American Bash. Running Time: 9:01 Bottom Line: Okay, so this isn't the kind of legendary classic that was featured in the first segment, but it's still a damn fine match by Heat standards. Rey Mysterio and Chavo Guerrero are two of the greatest cruiserweights of all time, and this match comes from a time before WWE had completely devalued the Cruiserweight Championship. Watch it.
Segment 3:Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot Tag Line: This clip features Torrie Wilson in Mexico wearing only a bikini. Need any more be said? Running Time: 5:08 Bottom Line: Look, you're either going to watch it or you're not, and nothing I say is going to change your mind either way. This is supposed to be a wrestling show, so I'm going to recommend that you skip it. But like I said, you weren't going to watch it for the wrestling anyway.
Segment 4:The Girls of Summer Tag Line: Michelle McCool and the WWE Divas celebrated Memorial Day with a Bikini Blast Battle Royal on Raw. Running Time: 6:13 Bottom Line: Hey, I ain't gonna lie to you. Mickie James looks hotter in this match than any woman has ever looked in the history of the world. I shit you not. I literally did not know that is was physically possible for a woman to be the hot. Seriously, Al Gore should focus on Mickie James as the main cause of global warming. Sure, that might upset Tipper a bit, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Anyway, all of that aside, this match is just totally worthless from a wrestling point of view. A few of the Divas do their best to integrate a few sporadic wrestling moves in a futile attempt to add legitimacy to this glorified pole dance, bit it's not enough to make this resemble a wrestling match in any way, shape, or form. That being said, Mickie's hotness alone makes this the greatest segment in the history of Heat. Watch it.
The Review
Segment 1: London Calling (Footage of Bret Hart vs. "The British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith for the Intercontinental Championship from SummerSlam 1992)
We start off with the new WWE: The Power is Back video followed by the Heat opening video. Todd Grisham then welcomes us from the Heat Studio.
We move on to footage of Bret Hart vs. "The British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith for the Intercontinental Championship from SummerSlam 1992.
We finish up with a commercial for The Great American Bash, live on Sunday, July 22nd, at 8e/5p, only on pay-per-view.
Match Result: "The British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith defeats Bret Hart by countering a sunset flip. Match Length: 5:00 (shown) Best Spot: Smith's top rope superplex
Segment 2: Cruel Summer (Footage of Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guerrero for the Cruiserweight Championship from The Great American Bash 2004)
We start off with Todd Grisham back in the Heat Studio.
We move on to footage of Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guerrero for the Cruiserweight Championship from The Great American Bash 2004.
Match Result: Rey Mysterio defeats Chavo Guerrero by countering the Gory Bomb into a sunset flip. Match Length: 7:38 (shown) Best Spot: Mysterio's top rope seated senton to the outside
Segment 3: Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot (Footage of Torrie Wilson from a bikini photo shoot in Mexico)
We start off with Todd Grisham back in the Heat Studio.
We move on to footage of Torrie Wilson from a bikini photo shoot in Mexico.
Um, dude, it's footage of Torrie Wilson from a bikini photo shoot in Mexico. You actually want fucking play-by-play or something? What do I look like, Joey Styles? Fine, here we go.
We finish up with a commercial for The Most Powerful Families in Wrestling 2-disc DVD set, available now.
Segment 4: The Girls of Summer (Footage of the Bikini Blast Battle Royal from the 05.28.07 episode of Raw)
We then join Todd Grisham back in the Heat Studio.
We move on to footage of the Bikini Blast Battle Royal from the 05.28.07 episode of Raw.
Arnold Furious covered this match in his 05.28.07 411's WWE Raw Report.
J.D. Dunn covered this match in his 05.28.07 RAWtopsy.
We finish up with Todd Grisham back in the Heat Studio.
Match Result: Michelle McCool wins the match after eliminating Melina. Match Length: 4:41 (shown) Best Spot: Mmm… Mickie…
Okay kids, that's it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I'll see you back here next weekend.
