The Smackdown Breakdown 7.13.07
Posted by J.D. Dunn on 07.15.2007
I met Kane fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the *devil's* eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... *evil*.
Your hosts are Michael Cole and John Bradshaw Layfield.
We open with a Edge & Kane re-enacting the laundry room scene from Halloween. Edge, of course, is in the Nancy Loomis role while Kane does his best impersonation of "the Shape." That's one thing I never got about the Halloween franchise. Why is Michael Myers referred to as "the Shape" in all of the scripts? It's not like his identity is a secret. Anyway, Edge is unconcerned about Kane ruining his Mardi Gras Celebration tonight.
Opening Match: Matt Hardy vs. Chris Masters. MVP is on commentary, criticizing the media via a diatribe against Michael Cole. Wow, that has all the subtly of…well, professional wrestling. Matt goes for the Twist of Fate early, but Masters shoves him into the buckle. MVP has a great analytical point: It's not that Matt is quick, Masters is just really slow. Masters takes over with power moves and calls for the Masterlock just as we go to break. Capitol timing. We come back to find that Matt made the ropes. He counters a sleeper to a jawbreaker and hits an enzuigiri. Masters stays on top, though, whipping Matt hard into the buckle. Masters works the back with a backbreaker stretch. Matt wills his way back and hits the Side Effect for two. Masters catches him in a powerslam, but Matt slips out and counters to the Twist of Fate in one motion to pick up the win at 13:05. Cool ending. Average match. After the match, MVP distracts Matt long enough for Masters to sneak up and put Matt out with the Masterlock. After Matt's out, MVP hits the Playmaker and the Ballin' Elbow Drop. Good sign: the fans were chanting "ballin'" as he completed the move. **
Fit Finlay vs. Jimmy Wang Yang.
Hey, wait a minute. Finlay…is here…and debating Marc Mero. The Irish were in league with Lucifer! The Brontes were right all along. Finlay makes with the roughhouse tactics early, but Yang fires off a few swift kicks and a headscissors. Finlay commences working over Yang's arm. Yang comes back briefly with a crossbody. Finlay avoids a moonsault, though, and nails the Celtic Cross for the win at 6:42. Hornswoggle gets him some of Yang. *3/4
The Major Bros. vs. Chavo Guerrero & Jamie Noble.
Lots of armdrags/armbars from the Majors. JBL compares them to Steve & Shaun Simpson. That works. They haul out some old 1980s doubleteams. Here's a bit of advice for aspiring wrestlers: don't try to look great early, especially if you're a babyface. It just comes off as forced. You know, like an underling who sucks up to the boss and tries to hard. Chavo and Jamie take over, and the match works considerably better. Brett hits an enzuigiri on Noble (while aiming for Chavo). Hot tag to Brian. Brian cleans house to zero pop. Chavo goes into the Triple Verticals, but one of the Majors hits a missile dropkick for the win at 7:14. They need more than two regular tag teams at any given time or else this is all meaningless. Chavo and Jamie argue about who was at fault in the loss. **
Khali's translator, obviously sired by Eric Bischoff while he was doing peyote buttons during a trip to Nepal, tries to get the Khali/Batista match cancelled, but Vickie Guerrero wants to do what's best for the fans. Khali tosses around a producer to drive home the point that he is mean and large.
Rey Rey's a comin'.
In the back, Edge is just chillin' when Kane appears on his monitor. Wait, how can Kane see him…ah, nevermind.
Theodore Long hosts the contract signing between the Great Khali and Batista. Khali refuses to shake hands, so Batista gives him a fresh one across the mouth.
Chuck Palumbo vs. Luke Hawkes.
They make a big deal about Chuck only riding bikes he makes and only using American parts. And before I can even go off on an economic rant about comparative advantage and how "Buy American" is essentially self-defeating and runs counter to everything it hopes to accomplish, Michael Cole proves my point by noting that it takes Palumbo weeks to construct his own bike. Anyhoo, the Chuckertaker hits a belly-to-belly and a big boot. The Flying Uranage finishes at 1:41. Hey, remember when he was "The Main Event" Chuck Palumbo, and he ripped off Lex Luger. He should bring back the Torture Rack and call it "the Bike Rack." 1/2*
More from Jesse & Festus. I can't decide which one looks more retarded.
More stalkery from Edge & Kane. You know, they *could* be building this feud on the fact that Edge stole Lita away from Kane, but then that'd screw up the whole Edge/Hardy dynamic.
In the back, Domino offers to give Eugene a ride in their car if Eugene wrestles Deuce's opponent tonight. The chicks truly will cream for greased lightning.
Eugene vs. Mark Henry.
Okay, Deuce was scheduled to take on Mark Henry? Who booked that crap? Cole reverts to his tried-and-true method of getting over heels: calling them bullies. Henry hits the World's Strongest Slam and bearhugs Eugene to death at 1:38. 1/4*
Michelle McCool is loving life. I'm loving those short shorts. I keep racking my brain to figure out where this is going.
In the back, Teddy Long congratulates Vickie on holding her ground. Kristal asks Vickie if she'd be her maid-of-honor.
Torrie Wilson vs. Victoria.
Victoria grabs a quick advantage and then tries to rip Torrie's face off. She truly is not the lady to mess with. Finally, Vicky misses a standing moonsault, and Torrie comes back with flying clotheslines. She slips out of the Widow's Peak and kicks Victoria to the floor. THESZ PRESS! BY GAWD! TORRIE WILSON IS WALKIN' TALL! They slug it out, and Torrie hops in the ring just before the ref finishes his count. Victoria gets counted out at 4:33. That's the same strategy I used to adopt when trying to work my way through the "Career" mode in wrestling games. *
In the back, Edge is psyched about his partygoers costumes. Oddly enough, there seems to be an encephalitic version of the Burger King hanging around in the background. Gee, I wonder who that is.
Mardi Gras Celebration! Edge celebrates with his peeps. Suddenly, he gets all paranoid and spears some innocent bystander when it's soooo obvious that Kane is dressed as the king. Kane destroys Edge and the partygoers to ruin the party. It's not exactly Duggan in a gorilla suit, now is it.
The 411: Meh. They're not taking enough chances to be good or bad. The show is just sort of…there. I'm more excited for Hardy versus MVP than anything else.
