The Final Fantasy Heat Report: 07.22.07

Welcome back to another edition of the #1 Heat report here at 411Mania. It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve actually done one of these but thankfully the Small has returned! I would like to thank all of my Heatophiles who emailed me over the past weeks clamoring for my return. I know the prospect of being stuck with only Slimmer is quite horrifying. Speaking of my favorite child-murderer-loving apologist, I had no idea that I pissed in his cornflakes. Sorry Slimmer, I had no idea that you take this shit so seriously. Pussy.

Anyway, we have a show to watch. On tonight’s edition, the tag team champs are in action and so is Dusty Rhodes!

Match 1: The Highlanders vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch

Match Description: The Highlanders have become so irrelevant it’s not funny. There’s no way they will be defeating the tag team champs of the world. By the way, this match is a non-title.

Clean break in the corner to start. Cade snap mares Robbie and applies a chinlock. Robbie reverses to an arm wringer which is reveresd by one by Cade. Robbie uses the Trish Stratus counter to the hammerlock. Murdoch blind tags in and nails a side Russian leg sweep for 1. Arm drags and Murdoch applies an armbar. Robbie brings Murdoch into his corner and tags Rory. Murdoch decapitates Rory with a clothesline and a back elbow. A Rory back body drop attempt is countered with a forearm. Murdoch’s Vader Splash meets knees however. Robbie tags in and battering rams Murdoch to the outside.

We now are interrupted with a commercial plugging the WWE Divas.

We are back with the Highlanders working on Murdoch. A couple battering ram double teams take Murdoch down. A third attempt actually connects but the crowd really doesn’t give a shit about the Highlanders. Body scissors by Rory. Robbie pounds away as I’m shocked that the faces have been in control for so much of this match. Rory is scoop slammed by Robbie onto Murdoch. Camel clutch by Rory. Murdoch jawbreakers out of it and they tease a Lance Cade Hot TAG! Robbie cuts it off but moments later runs into a double clothesline. Murdoch with the HOT TAG and he is a House En Fuego. Cade scoop slams Robbie but misses a top rope elbow. Rory tags in and hits a top rope splash on Cade. Murdoch breaks up the pin and kills Rory with a DDT for the win @ 8:20. So are the Highlanders turning heel now?

Winner: Cade and Murdoch

Match 2: Daivari vs. A Jobber

Match Description: I didn’t get Daivari’s opponent’s name. But I don’t think it’s going to matter.

After some early chain wrestling, Daivari scoop slams his opponent. He hits a nice back elbow and stomps away. Snap mare and a knee drop. Daivari chokes away. Punch to the face for 2. Headlock. Scoop slam for 2. An armbar is applied. I miss Matt Striker being on Heat. He does everything that Daivari does but only 10x better. The jobber fights out of the hold and unloads a couple of rights on Daivari. He hits a flying crossbody for 2. Daivari walks into a boot in the corner but trips up his opponent on the top rope. Daivari signals for the end and applies a camel clutch for the submission victory @ 4:05.

Winner: Daivari

Match 3: Dusty Rhodes vs. Steve Corino from ECW Living Dangerously 2000

Highlights from Dusty Rhodes Bullrope match against Steve Corino from Living Dangerously 2000. It’s weird hearing Joel Gartner after 6 years of inactivity. It’s also weird seeing a good Steve Corino match. Sorry kids, I was never a fan. Anyway, as per any Corino match, there’s plenty of bleeding and weak brawling. After Rhodes yanks Corino off of the top rope and into a chair, he goes to work by maiming him. Corino does fight back including using the bionic elbow! The match breaks down as Rhodes nails both heels with the cowbell. Rhodes tapes the cowbell to Corino’s head allowing Dusty to kill Corino with a steel chair to the bell. Bionic elbow picks up the win for Rhodes!!!

Winner: Dusty Rhodes

Main Event: Charlie Haas vs. Paul London

Match Description: Last week, Charlie Haas defeated Brian Kendrick in what I heard was an excellent match. Continuing his one man quest to destroy the old Smackdown tag champs, he faces Paul London tonight.

London’s announced from hailing from Texas which means he’s jobbing in his hometown tonight. Haas manhandles London on the ground to start. London flips out of back drop and applies his own headlock. London continues to use his speed to his advantage as he connects with another headlock takedown. Haas pounds out of it but is nailed with a middle rope crossbody for 1. London being on advantage does not last long as Haas comes back with a front suplex onto the top rope. Haas dumps London to the outside and rams him into the ring apron.

In the ring, Haas applies a modified half-Boston crab. London gets the ropes and a schoolboy for 1. Haas pounds back and nails an overhead belly to belly for 2. A waistlock is applied by Haas. London pounds out of it and kicks Haas to his knees. Leg lariat takes down Haas. A second one and a flying back elbow follows. London’s crazy leg lariat gets 2. Haas throws London weakly to the outside. London nails a shoulder to Haas midsection and then goes to climb to the top rope. Haas catches London on the top rope and nails a sick GERMAN SUPLEX for the win @ 6:13!!! Holy hell was that a sweet move.

Winner: Charlie Haas

I must say that the effort was definitely there tonight. Both the opening and main event were enjoyable and hell even that Dusty Rhodes bullrope match. You don’t get to see matches like that anymore. So if you have a spare half an hour this week, you could do much worse than this edition of Heat. Until next week, have a good one!