411’s WWE Heat Report 09.30.07
Posted by Scott Slimmer on 09.30.2007
We’ve got Divas and Jobbers on Heat. That’s not a joke. It’s just the sad, sad truth…
Hey guys and gals, I'm Scott, and this is 411's WWE Heat Report.
I told you all that I was going to end it. I just didn't say HOW I was going to end it.
To everything, turn, turn, turn. There is a season, turn, turn, turn. And a time to every purpose under Heaven. A time of love, a time of hate. A time of war, a time of peace. A time you may embrace. A time to refrain from embracing.
So what does all of that mean? You'll find out in less than two weeks…
You're probably aware that unlike Raw and Smackdown!, Heat is now available exclusively on WWE.com. You may also be aware that Heat is now only available as full-length episodes instead of individual segments. This change in presentation means that the previous Preview / Review format of the Heat Report is now somewhat obsolete. So from now on I'm going to be using a more traditional recapping style that will be most similar to the Review section of previous Heat Reports. Be sure to email me and let me know what you think of the new format. I want this Report to be as useful as possible, so I'm always open to suggestions. Okay, enough with the boring stuff. Let's get to the wrestling.
Match 1: Mickie James vs. Jillian Hall
We start off with the new WWE: The Power is Back video followed by the Heat opening video. Todd Grisham, alongside Jonathan Coachman, welcomes us to Heat. Jillian Hall's music hits, and the next Mrs. Slimmer makes her way down the ramp. What? Most of the other Divas have already been claimed, so I need to take my pick before I'm stuck with Mae Young. And come on, you know that Jillian is SMOKIN' HOT. Can she sing? No. Can she dance? No. Does the fact that she's SMOKIN' HOT trump both of those minor faults? OH HELL YEAH. Yeah, go ahead, call me shallow. You know you agree with me. But don't get me wrong. I'd LOVE to end up with a Diva like Mickie or Maria or Melina. But this is the real world, and sometimes we all have to settle. We have to play the cards that are dealt to us. We have to take lemons and make lemonade. So I'm not wasting my time with those Divas that are, quite frankly, just plain out of my league. I'm a realist. And Jillian Hall? She's the next Mrs. Slimmer. Anyway, Jillian climbs into the ring and adjusts her headset.
Jillian Hall: "Tonight is a very special night for all of you. Anyone can come out here and sing the National Anthem night after night like Lillian Garcia, but it takes a real superstar to sing an original hit like I'm going to tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you my latest hit, ‘Hot Bread!' (singing) You know you want me. You can't take your eyes away from…"
Mickie James' music mercifully interrupts Jillian's performance, and the hottest Diva in WWE makes her way down the ramp. Yeah, that's right, I just called her the hottest Diva in WWE. And I'm man enough to admit that she's WAY out of my league. But that doesn't mean I won't think about her while Jillian and I are makin' sweet, sweet love. Anyway, Mickie slides into the ring and hits the corner to get some lovin' from the crowd. Both women seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.
Mickie and Jillian circle each other to start before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Jillian transitions to an arm wringer on Mickie and muscles Mickie down to one knee, but Mickie fights back to her feet and flips forward to relieve the pressure on her arm. Jillian maintains her hold on Mickie's arm, grabs a handful of Mickie's hair, and flings Mickie down to the mat. Jillian fights to maintain control of Mickie's arm, but Mickie spins around and drops Jillian with a low kick to the legs. Mickie covers Jillian but only gets a one count before Jillian kicks out. Mickie springs back to her feet as Jillian climbs up to her knees, but Jillian takes control by sweeping Mickie's legs with her arm. Jillian covers Mickie but only gets a one count before Mickie kicks out.
Jillian locks in a hammer lock on Mickie and drags Mickie back to her feet. Mickie catches Jillian with a snap-mare takedown to break the hold, but Jillian flips all the way over and land on her feet. Jillian takes just a moment too long to celebrate her wrestling skill, so Mickie grabs a handful of Jillian's hair and flings Jillian down to the mat. Mickie drags Jillian back to her feet and tries to whip her to the corner, but Jillian reverses and instead whips Mickie to the corner. Jillian charges towards Mickie, but Mickie catches her with a back elbow shot to the face. Mickie takes hold of the top ropes, jumps up, and connects with a hurricanrana to Jillian. Jillian crawls across the ring and gets back to her feet in the opposite corner, but Mickie follows her in hot pursuit and traps her there. Mickie climbs up to the second rope and goes for a monkey flip, but Jillian shoves Mickie back down to the mat. Jillian grabs Mickie by the hair, gives her a knee shot to the side of the head, and then continues to pull on her hair. Jillian finally breaks her hold at the referee's behest, but she then drags Mickie back to her feet, again grabs her by the hair, and once again flings her down to the mat. Jillian covers Mickie but only gets a two count before Mickie kicks out.
Jillian drags Mickie back to her feet, guides her over to the corner, and slams he head into the top turnbuckle. Mickie fights back with a kick to Jillian's gut, but Jillian responds with a kick to the gut of her own. Jillian slams Mickie face-first down to the mat and applies a sloppy looking camel clutch. The referee forces Jillian to break the hold due to the fact that she was raking the eyes, but Jillian immediately reapplies a slightly cleaner version of the hold. Mickie manages to shift her weight and send Jillian flying face-first into the second turnbuckle, but Jillian gets back to her feet, drags Mickie back to her feet, and applies a standing rear sleeper hold. Mickie muscles Jillian backwards and slams her back-first into the corner in order to force her to break the hold, but Jillian quickly recomposes herself and immediately applies a second standing rear sleeper hold. Mickie gives Jillian three elbow shots to the gut, but Jillian refuses to relinquish the hold. Mickie finally drops down and hits Jillian with a jaw breaker in order to force her to break the hold before getting her legs up and giving Jillian two boots to the face.
Both Divas get back to their feet, but Mickie immediately catches Jillian with a running elbow shot to the face. Jillian gets right back up to her feet, but Mickie immediately drops her with a running clothesline. Jillian again gets back to her feet, so Mickie hits the ropes, charges towards Jillian, ducks a punch, hits the opposite ropes, and connects with a Louise Thesz Press. Mickie gives Jillian four mounted punches and then waits for Jillian to get back to her feet. Mickie gives Jillian a spinning back kick to the gut, sends her over with a snap-mare takedown, hits the ropes, and plants both boots right in Jillian's face. Mickie covers Jillian but only gets a two count before Jillian kicks out.
Mickie gets back to her feet and waits for Jillian to do the same. Mickie charges towards Jillian, but Jillian pulls her forward and drops her neck-first onto the second rope. Jillian waits for Mickie to get back to her feet, gives her a belly-to-back suplex, and connects with the Fender Bender (a front handstand into a leg drop). Jillian covers Mickie but only gets a two count before Mickie kicks out. Jillian drags Mickie back to her feet, muscles her to the corner, and goes for a cartwheel back elbow shot, but Mickie gets her feet up and kicks Jillian right in the back. Mickie climbs up to the second rope and hits a second rope Mickie-DT. Mickie covers Jillian and gets the three count. Mickie's music hits as the referee raises her hand in victory. Mickie climbs out of the ring and heads back up the ramp as Jillian decides to spend some quality time on the mat.
Match Result: Mickie James defeats Jillian Hall with a second rope Mickie-DT. Match Length: 5:20 Best Spot: Jillian's Fender Bender (a front handstand into a leg drop)
We move on to a commercial for "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Daivari, later on Heat.
Next up is a commercial for the WWE Magazine Divas Special Edition.
Match 2: Super Crazy vs. Nick Colucci
"I am Super! I am Crazy! I am Super Crazy!" Super Crazy's music hits, and the last Mexicool standing makes his way down the ramp. Crazy slides into the ring where Nick Colucci is already waiting for him, hits his spectacular head-stand forward flip kip-up, and then heads to the corner to get some lovin' from the crowd. Both men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.
Crazy and Colucci circle each other to start before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Crazy transitions to a rear waist lock on Colucci and then slams Colucci down to the mat. Crazy drops down to the mat, applies a front face lock to Colucci, and maintains his hold even as Colucci flips over in an attempt to free himself. Colucci again flips over in an attempt to free himself, but Crazy continues to maintain his hold on Colucci's head. Colucci finally breaks the hold, transitions to an arm wringer on Crazy, and drags Crazy back to his feet, but Crazy breaks the hold with a single-leg takedown of Colucci. Crazy applies a sweet rolling leg lock to Colucci, but unfortunately he rolls Colucci towards the ropes. Colucci grabs the ropes, and the referee forces Crazy to relinquish the hold.
Both men get back to their feet and circle each other for a second time. Crazy goes for a Greco-Roman knuckle lock, but Colucci takes the easy way out and kick Crazy in the gut. Colucci whips Crazy to the gut, charges after him, and drives his shoulder into Crazy's gut. Colucci whips Crazy to the opposite corner and charges after him, but Crazy floats over, twists in the air, and catches Colucci with a sunset flip. Crazy has Colucci covered but only gets a two count before Colucci kicks out.
Colucci springs back to his feet as Crazy climbs up to his knees, but Crazy takes control by sweeping Colucci's legs with his arm. Crazy flips Colucci back to his feet and sends him over with a snap-mare takedown, but Colucci rolls back to his feet and levels Crazy with a running clothesline. Colucci gives Crazy two punches to the head, but Crazy shoves Colucci in the chest to create some distance. Colucci gives Crazy a kick to the head and kick to the gut before letting him get back to his feet and trapping him in the corner. Colucci chokes Crazy against the top turnbuckle, but Crazy again shoves Colucci in the chest to create some distance. Colucci heads back towards Crazy, but Crazy catches him with a side kick to the chest. Colucci fights back with three punches to Crazy's head, a shoulder block to Crazy's gut, and three more punches to Crazy's head before sending Crazy over with a snap-mare takedown.
Colucci drives his knee into Colucci's back and applies a rear chin lock, but Crazy fights back to his feet and breaks the hold with two punches to Colucci's gut. Colucci transitions to a standing side head lock on Crazy, but Crazy breaks the hold with five forearm shots to Colucci's ribs. Crazy whips Colucci to the corner, charges after him, and connects with a stiff running clothesline in the corner. Crazy whips Colucci to the opposite corner, charges after him, and connects with a second stiff running clothesline in the corner. Crazy heads up to the top rope and hits Colucci with a top rope missile drop kick. Crazy hits a standing moonsault, covers Colucci, and gets the three count. Super Crazy's music hits as the referee raises his hand in victory. Crazy rolls out of the ring and heads back up the ramp as Colucci begins to wonder if he'll ever be able to look at a chalupa the same way again.
Match Result: Super Crazy defeats Nick Colucci with a standing moonsault. Match Length: 2:50 Best Spot: Crazy's top rope missile drop kick
We move on to footage of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin signing copies of The Condemned DVD.
Match 3: Val Venis vs. Silas Young
"Hello, ladies!" Val Venis' music hits, and Ron Jeremy's long lost brother makes his way down the ramp. Venis climbs into the ring where Silas Young is already waiting for him and hits the corner to strip off the towel. Venis flings the towel into the crowd before climbing back down to the mat. Both men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.
Venis and Young circle each other to start before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Venis quickly transitions to a standing side head lock on Young, but Young gives Venis two forearm shots to the gut, muscles him to the ropes, and whips him to the opposite ropes to break the hold. Venis comes off the ropes, leaps over Young, hits the opposite ropes, and levels Young with a running shoulder block. Young gets back to his feet, but Venis immediately applies a second standing side head lock. Young makes his way to the ropes and wraps his leg around the second rope, so the referee forces Venis to break the hold. Young puts the bad mouth to Venis and bitch slaps him right across the face, but it doesn't take Young very long to realize that he has just made a monu-freaking-mental mistake.
Young takes a swing at Venis, but Venis blocks the punch and levels Young with a punch of his own. Young springs back to his feet, but Venis immediately drops him with a second punch to the face. Young again gets back to his feet, but Venis whips him to the ropes, gives him a knee shot to the gut, whips him to the opposite ropes, and gives him another knee shot to the gut. Venis sends Young down to the mat with a Side Russian Leg Sweep and continues his assault with six mounted punches. Young crawls under the bottom rope and seeks refuge out on the ring apron, but Venis reaches over the top rope and drags him back to his feet. Young sees his chance, grabs Venis by the air, and drops down in order to wrench Venis' arm across the top rope. Young rolls back into the ring, gets back to his feet, and levels Venis with a standing drop kick to the shoulder. Venis sits up, but Young gives him a stiff kick to the shoulder before slamming his arm down to the mat and giving him another kick to the shoulder. Young drags Venis back to his feet, applies an arm wringer to Venis' already injured arm, and drops down into an arm breaker. Young punches Venis in the shoulder and then applies an arm bar. Venis fights back to his feet, so Young relinquishes the hold and gives him a knee shot to the chest.
Young hits the ropes and charges at Venis, but Venis catches him with a clothesline. Young gets back to his feet, but this time Venis catches him with a back elbow shot to the face. Young again gets back to his feet, but this time Venis levels him with a double ax-handle shot to the face. Venis drags Young back to his feet and drops him with a hangman's neck breaker. Young crawls to the ropes and climbs back to his feet, but Venis drags him back to the middle of the ring. Venis goes for his patented Half Nelson Slam, but Young blocks the slam and fights back with a back elbow shot to Venis' shoulder. Young hits the ropes and charges at Venis, but this time Venis does successfully hit him with the Half Nelson Slam. Venis climbs out onto the ring apron, heads up to the top turnbuckle, and connects with the Money Shot. Venis covers Young and gets the three count. Venis' music hits as the referee raises his hand in victory. Venis climbs out of the ring and heads back up the ramp as he continues to sell the damage to his shoulder. Sweet.
Match Result: Val Venis defeats Silas Young with the Money Shot. Match Length: 2:43 Best Spot: Venis' Half Nelson Slam
We move on to a commercial for "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Daivari, next on Heat.
Next up is the new WWE: DO NOT Try This At Home video, now featuring footage of Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly from ECW (the infamous table spot), Money in the Bank III from WrestleMania 23 (the Jeff Hardy / Edge ladder spot), John Cena vs. Edge from Unforgiven 23 (the FU from the ladder through two tables spot), and Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker from Royal Rumble 1998 (the infamous casket spot).
Match 4: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Daivari
We're back on Heat, and it's time for our MAIN EVENT! Daivari's music hits, and the Gilligan to the Great Khali's Skipper makes his way down the ramp. Daivari climbs into the ring, drops to his knees, and… Sorry, that last part made me remember how much I miss Lita… Anyway, Daivari prays to Allah before grabbing a microphone from Lillian Garcia. Daivari begins to cut a scathing promo in Farsi, but suddenly he's cut off my some familiar music. And yes, I did just copy the last five sentences directly from an old Heat Report. So sue me. This shit gets a bit repetitive, know what I mean? Anyway, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan's music hits, and the newest cast member of ABC's "Cavemen" makes his way down the ramp brandishing a 2 X 4 and waving Old Glory as always. Duggan climbs into the ring and once again tries to murder Daivari before the match even begins. Seriously, this has to scare the shit out of Daivari. I mean, he saw The Undertaker actually murder his good friend Muhammad Haasan live on pay-per-view. Is it such a stretch to imagine that Duggan might try to do the same to Daivari on Heat? Anyway, Duggan cuts right to the chase and leads the crowd in a rousing chant of, "U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" Daivari is so screwed. Both men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.
Duggan and Daivari circle each other to start before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Daivari kicks Duggan in the gut the break the hold and follows up with a forearm shot to the face, a second kick to the gut, and a second forearm shot to the face. Daivari tries to whip Duggan to the ropes, but Duggan puts on the breaks and instead whips Daivari to the ropes. Daivari comes off the ropes and charges at Duggan, but Duggan catches him with a hip toss. Daivari gets back to his feet, but Duggan catches him with a second hip toss. Daivari again gets back to his feet, but this time Duggan connects with a delayed scoop slam.
Daivari rolls out onto the ring apron and gets back to his feet, but Duggan reaches over the top ropes and hip tosses him back into the ring. Daivari once again gets back to his feet, but Duggan gives him three punches to the face before trapping him in the corner. Duggan whips Daivari to the opposite corner and charges after him, but Daivari just manages to slide out of the way. Duggan gets his hands up and catches the top rope in order to avoid slamming into the corner, but Daivari sneaks up behind him and gives him a standing drop kick to the back that does send him chest-first into the top turnbuckle. Daivari climbs up to the second rope, kicks Duggan in the chest to create some distance, and connects with a second rope flying elbow shot to Duggan's head. Daivari covers Duggan but only gets a two count before Duggan kicks out.
Daivari raises Duggan up into a seated position, drives his elbow down onto Duggan's shoulder, and applies a rear chin lock. Duggan fights back to his feet, breaks the hold with three elbow shots to Daivari's gut, hits the ropes, and charges at Daivari, but Daivari slides behind Duggan, leaps onto his back, and applies a rear sleeper hold. Duggan stumbles over to the corner and slams Daivari back-first into the top turnbuckle two times, but Daivari refuses to relinquish his hold. Duggan falls to the mat as Daivari continues to suck the life from him, but eventually Duggan is able to fight back to his feet and break the hold with two punches to Daivari's gut.
Daivari retaliates with a clubbing forearm shot to Duggan's back and then tries to slam Duggan's head into the top turnbuckle, but Duggan gets his hands up and grabs the top rope to block the shot. Daivari again tries to slam Duggan's head into the top turnbuckle, but Duggan again gets his hands up and grabs the top rope to block to shot. Duggan gives Daivari an elbow shot to the gut and then slams Daivari's head into the top turnbuckle. Duggan gives Daivari three punches to the face in the corner, whips him to the opposite corner, waits for him to rebound, and catches him with a big back body drop. Duggan drags Daivari back to his feet, traps him to the corner, climbs up to the second rope and gives him eight mounted punches. Duggan whips Daivari to the opposite corner, waits for him to rebound, and gives him a delayed scoop slam. Duggan heads to the corner, waits for Daivari to get back to his feet, and levels him with the Three Point Stance Clothesline. Duggan covers Daivari and gets the three count. Duggan's music hits as the referee raises his hand in victory. Duggan retrieves his 2 X 4 and tosses it into the air in celebration as we close the show.
Match Result: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan defeats Daivari with the Three Point Stance Clothesline. Match Length: 3:11 Best Spot: Duggan's Three Point Stance Clothesline
Okay kids, that's it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I'll see you back here next weekend.
