411’s WWE Heat Report 10.13.07

Posted by Scott Slimmer on 10.13.2007

We’ve got the grandson of a plumber on Heat. Luckily, it’s the one without the creepy pet rat…

Hey guys and gals, I'm Scott, and this is 411's WWE Heat Report.

I told you all that I was going to end it. I just didn't say HOW I was going to end it.

To everything, turn, turn, turn.
There is a season, turn, turn, turn.
And a time to every purpose under Heaven.
A time of love, a time of hate.
A time of war, a time of peace.
A time you may embrace.
A time to refrain from embracing.

Oh, it's true, it's DAMN true. After two years, multiple column hijackings, and at least one truly epic verbal beat-down from the Great and Mighty Csonka, The Feud of the 411 Heat Reporters is over… again. I know, I know, Bayani must be heartbroken, but everybody else is probably just relieved to be finished with the entire fiasco. Let's just hope this little truce lasts longer than our first attempt at peace…

You're probably aware that unlike Raw and Smackdown!, Heat is now available exclusively on WWE.com. You may also be aware that Heat is now only available as full-length episodes instead of individual segments. This change in presentation means that the previous Preview / Review format of the Heat Report is now somewhat obsolete. So from now on I'm going to be using a more traditional recapping style that will be most similar to the Review section of previous Heat Reports. Be sure to email me and let me know what you think of the new format. I want this Report to be as useful as possible, so I'm always open to suggestions. Okay, enough with the boring stuff. Let's get to the wrestling.



Mail Call

Chris Jacobs sent in the following email on Tuesday to let me know the pedigree of this week's job squad:

All the jobbers from heat, if you look for Dan "the Beast" Severn's wrestling school, they are from there, I know for a fact of four of them because I have trained with them personally since I started down in Cold Water. Price of Glory Wrestling. That would be tonights Heat Taping at the Van Andel in Grand Rapids, MI.

Much appreciated, Chris. We usually don't get much information about the backgrounds of the, um, "developmental talent" on Heat, so it's always nice to find out a little bit more about them. Oh, and do you think Small ever gets this kind of exclusive, behind-the-scenes information for his Heat Report? OH HELL NO. That's because he's a cheap, second-rate… Fuck, this whole truce thing is harder than it looks…

Match 1: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan & Super Crazy vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch

We start off with the new WWE: The Power is Back video followed by the Heat opening video. Todd Grisham, alongside Jonathan, welcomes us to Heat. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch's music hits, and the World Tag Team Champions make their way down the ramp. Damn straight. World Champions on Heat. That's what I'm talkin' about. Cade and Murdoch climb into the ring and proudly display their championship belts for the crowd. We haven't had this much gold on Heat since the last time we had a grandson of a plumber on the show. "Hoooooo!" "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan's music hits, and WWE's answer to the Odd Couple make their way down the ramp. And no, I'm not talking about Matt Hardy and MVP. Those two guys are a match made in Heaven compared to the kind of insanity we've got here on Heat. That's right, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Mr. "U.S.A.!" himself, is teaming up with Super Crazy. A former Mexicool. A guy who used to ride down to the ring on a freaking Juan Deer. Look, I learned long ago that I need to get good and hammered before plowing through an episode of Heat, but seriously, does this shit make more sense sober? If you're reading this report sober, please, let me know. And then let me know why you read this report sober. Because alcohol makes my writing a TON more entertaining. Trust me.

Anyway, Duggan climbs into the ring as Crazy slides into the ring and hits his spectacular head-stand forward flip kip-up. Duggan then chases Cade and Murdoch out of the ring with his 2 X 4 as the crowd breaks into a riotous pre-match chant of, "U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" Crazy looks like he's about to wet himself. Poor bastard. He's probably just concerned that Duggan might mistake him for a piñata. I mean, you've got a half-retarded white guy swinging a 2 X 4 in the ring with a Hispanic guy wearing a poncho that looks like the Mexican flag. This is bound to end in tragedy. Cade and Murdoch seem to be scanning the crowd looking for Ashton Kutcher as Duggan leads the crowd in another rousing chant of, "U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" Cade and Murdoch finally climb up onto the ring apron, and Duggan uses his 2 X 4 to mimic shooting them with a shotgun. Remember kids, much like Charles Barkley, this man is not a role model. It's not okay to shoot rednecks. Because rednecks have lots of cousins. Some of whom they've slept with. And all of whom have guns. Shooting a redneck will come back to bite you in the ass, mark my words. Anyway, the all four men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.

Duggan and Murdoch head to their respective corners and climb out onto the ring apron, so it looks like it's going to be Crazy and Cade to start the match. Crazy and Cade circle each other to start before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Cade quickly muscles Crazy to the corner. The referee calls for the clean break, and Cade begrudgingly grants his request. Crazy and Cade circle each other and second time and Cade goes for a second collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Crazy quickly slides behind him and applies a standing rear waist lock. Cade counters into a standing rear waist lock of his own on Crazy and then quickly transitions into a standing side head lock on Crazy. Crazy breaks the hold with a punch to Cade's gut followed by a forearm shot to Cade's ribs before whipping Cade to the ropes. Cade comes off the ropes, leaps over Crazy, hits the opposite ropes, and charges at Crazy as Crazy springs back to his feet. Crazy goes for a hip toss on Cade, but Cade counters into a hip toss of his own on Crazy. Cade goes for an elbow drop on Crazy, but Crazy just manages to roll out of the way. Crazy gets back to his feet as Cade gets back to his hands and knees, so Crazy goes for la magistral. Crazy has Cade pinned but only gets a one count before Cade kicks out.

Both men get back to their feet, but Crazy quickly catches Cade with an arm wringer. Cade breaks the hold, whips Crazy to the corner, charges after him, and goes for a running elbow shot to the head, but Crazy just manages to slide out of the way. Crazy charges towards Cade and monkey flips him back to the middle of the ring. Crazy covers Cade but only gets a one count before Cade kicks out. Crazy drags Cade back to his feet and applies another arm wringer, but Cade breaks the hold with a forearm shot to the face. Cade heads to the corner, tags Murdoch into the match, and climbs out onto the ring apron as Murdoch climbs into the ring.

Murdoch charges towards Crazy and goes for a running clothesline, but Crazy ducks underneath his arm to avoid contact and catches him with a crucifix pin. Crazy has Murdoch pinned but only gets a one count before Murdoch kicks out. Both men get back to their feet, but Crazy immediately catches Murdoch with an arm drag takedown into an arm bar. Murdoch fights back to his feet, but Crazy is able to guide him over to the corner and tag Duggan into the match. Crazy releases his hold on Murdoch and climbs out onto the ring apron as Duggan climbs into the ring and stirs the crowd into a frenzy.

Duggan and Murdoch circle each other, but Duggan quickly halts the momentum by leading the crowd in yet another chant of, "U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" Duggan and Murdoch circle each other for a second time before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Murdoch quickly catches Duggan with a knee shot to the gut. Murdoch guides Duggan over to the corner, slams his head into the top turnbuckle, guides him all the way across the ring to the opposite corner, and again slams his head into the top turnbuckle. Murdoch guides Duggan to the adjacent corner and slams his head into the top turnbuckle for a third time, but it appears as though Murdoch has gone to the well once too often. Duggan regains his composure, begins to march towards Murdoch, blocks a punch from Murdoch, and then connects with four punches of his own. Duggan whips Murdoch to the ropes, waits for him to rebound, and levels him with a clothesline. Duggan waits for Murdoch to get back to his feet and levels him with a second clothesline. Cade charges into the ring to aid his partner, but Duggan drops him with yet another clothesline. Duggan turns his attention back to Murdoch, but Murdoch catches him with a beautiful standing drop kick. Dude, you just don't expect a guy like Murdoch to pull off a move like that with so much, um, finesse. Hella impressive right there. Murdoch heads to the corner, tags Cade into the match, and climbs out onto the ring apron as Cade climbs into the ring.

Cade drags Duggan back to his feet, guides him over to the corner, slams his head into the top turnbuckle, and connects with four punches to the face followed by two kicks to the gut. Cade give Duggan one more punch to the face, tags Murdoch into the match, and then hold Duggan as Murdoch climbs into the ring and punches Duggan in the face. Cade climbs out onto the ring apron and Murdoch goes for a hangman's neckbreaker, but Duggan seems to crumble to the mat before Murdoch can even execute the move. That's some sloppy shit right there. At any rate, Murdoch covers Duggan but only gets a one count before Duggan kicks out.

Murdoch raises Duggan up into a seated position and wrenches on his neck. Duggan fights back to his feet and tries to break the hold with an elbow shot to Murdoch's gut, but Murdoch transitions to a sleeper hold and drags Duggan back down to the mat. Duggan again fights back to his feet, but this time he charges towards the corner and drops down so that Murdoch slams chest-first into the top turnbuckle. Murdoch regains his composure, drags Duggan back to his feet, and goes for a suplex, but Duggan blocks the move, gives Murdoch three punches to the gut, and connects with a suplex of his own. Dude, that suplex was like in slow motion or something. It took Duggan FOREVER to get Murdoch all the way over. Duggan and Murdoch both slowly crawl towards their respective corner, but Murdoch makes the tag first. Murdoch rolls out onto the ring apron as Cade climbs into the ring and chases after Duggan, but Duggan just manages to tag Crazy into the match. Duggan rolls out onto the ring apron and Cade takes a swing at Crazy, but Crazy blocks the punch and connects with a punch of his own.

Crazy climbs into the ring, charges at Cade, ducks a punch, hits the ropes, and connects with a running drop kick. Murdoch charges into the ring to aid his partner, but Crazy levels him with a running clothesline. Cade gets back to his feet but walks right into a second drop kick from Crazy. Crazy drags Cade back to his feet and tries to whip him to the ropes, but Cade puts on the brakes and instead whips Crazy to the ropes. Crazy comes off the ropes, charges at Cade, ducks a clothesline, hits the opposite ropes, charges at Cade again, and connects with an arm-drag takedown. Murdoch again charges into the ring to aid his partner, but Crazy knocks him out of the ring with a forearm shot to the chest. Cade rolls out of the ring and takes a breather out on the arena floor, but Crazy hits him with a baseball slide to the chest. Cade stumbles backwards towards the ramp, but Crazy climbs out onto the ring apron and connects with an Asai Moonsault. ASAI MOONSAULT ON HEAT! ASAI MOONSAULT ON HEAT! ASAI MOONSTAULT ON HEAT!

Crazy drags Cade back to his feet, rolls him back into the ring, climbs up to the top rope, and goes for a top rope flying cross body, but Murdoch charges into the ring and pushes his partner out of harm's way. Crazy crashes face-first down to the mat, so Duggan charges into the ring and punches Murdoch right in the face. Murdoch falls to the mat and rolls out of the ring, but Duggan climbs out of the ring and follows in hot pursuit. Back in the ring both Crazy and Cade get back to their feet, but Cade catches Crazy with a sit-out side slam. Cade covers Crazy and gets the three count. Cade and Murdoch's music hits as Murdoch slide back into the ring and the referee raises their hands in victory. Oh, and Duggan is absolutely nowhere to be seen. I think he may have slipped into a parallel universe or something.

Match Result: Lance Cade defeats Super Crazy with a sit-out side slam.
Match Length: 6:28
Best Spot: Crazy's Asai Moonsault

We move on to a commercial for Cody Rhodes vs. Daivari, still to come on Heat.

Next up is commercial for WWEShop.com.

Match 2: Carlito vs. Conrad Cairns

"I spit in the face of people who don't want to be cool!" We're back on Heat, Carlito's music hits, and the man who has been buried alive (BERRIED!) more times than the Undertaker makes his way down the ramp. Carlito climbs into the ring where Conrad Cairns is already waiting for him and seems to be mentally preparing himself for yet another loss. Um, Carlito? Dude? You're on Heat. You actually get to win tonight. So turn that frown upside down, bitch! Anyway, both men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.

Carlito and Cairns circle each other to start, but Carlito gets right to the point with a bitch slap to Cairns' face. Oh snap. Cairns tries to retaliate with a punch to Carlito's face, but Carlito ducks the punch, kicks Cairns in the gut, hits the ropes, give Cairns a knee shot to the jaw, hits the opposite ropes, and levels Cairns with a running clothesline. Carlito gives Cairns a kick to the back, drags him back to his feet, and drops him with a single punch to the face. Cairns crawls to the ropes and drags himself back to his feet, but Carlito traps him in the corner and gives him another punch to the face. Carlito whips Cairns to the opposite corner and charges after him, but Cairns just manages to slide out of the way. Carlito slams chest-first into the top turnbuckle, and Cairns presses his advantage with three forearm shots to Carlito's face. Cairns whips Carlito to the ropes, but Carlito comes off the ropes with a springboard back elbow shot to Cairns' face. Carlito drags Cairns back to his feet, guides him over to the corner, gives him a STIFF chop to the chest (and I mean SERIOUSLY FUCKING STIFF), punches him in the face, kicks him in the gut, punches him in the face again, and kicks him in the gut again. Carlito guides Cairns back to the middle of the ring and gives him a scoop slam followed by a knee drop to the chest. Carlito covers Cairns but only gets a two count before Cairns kicks out.

Carlito raises Cairns up into a seated position, plants his knee in Cairns' back, and applies a rear chin lock. Cairns fights back to his feet, breaks the hold with three elbow shots to Carlito's gut, hits the ropes, and charges towards Carlito. Carlito ducks his head to telegraph the back body drop, so Cairns puts on the brakes and kicks Carlito right in the chest. Cairns again hits the ropes and charges towards Carlito, but this time Carlito catches him with a nice standing drop kick. Carlito drags Cairns back to his feet and flings him into the corner so that he flies between the turnbuckles and rams his shoulder into the ring post. Carlito guides Cairns back to the ring and hits him with the Back Stabber. HOLY SHIT! Cairns just sold that Back Stabber better than anyone has ever sold it before. He literally FLEW off of Carlito's knees and back into the air before finally crashing down to the mat. That was every bit as awesome as the way that Scott Hall used to sell the Stone Cold Stunner. Anyway, Carlito covers Cairns and gets the three count. Carlito's music hits as the referee raises his hand in victory. Carlito retrieves his apple from the ring steps, takes a bit, and sprays applesauce all over Cairns' fallen body. Carlito climbs out of the ring and heads back up the ring as Cairns tries to figure out why he's suddenly thinking about Shannon Elizabeth. Sick freak.

Match Result: Carlito defeats Conrad Cairns with the Back Stabber.
Match Length: 2:31
Best Spot: Carlito's springboard back elbow

We move on to the latest Save_Us.222 promo.

Next up is a commercial for The Condemned DVD, available now wherever DVDs are sold.

Match 3: The World's Greatest Tag Team vs. Nate Mattson & Dave Glenn

We're back on Heat, The World's Greatest Ring Music hits, and my second favorite tag team in WWE make their way down the ramp. Yeah, that's right, I said it. They're only SECOND in my book. Hey, you all know I mark like a school girl for Paul London and Brian Kendrick. But Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas are a close second. And the best part? They're all on Heat, bitches! Benjamin and Haas climb into the ring where Nate Mattson and Dave Glenn are already waiting for them and hit the corners to bath the crowd in awesomeness. Anyway, all four men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.

Benjamin and Mattson head to their respective corners and climb out onto the ring apron, so it looks like it's going to be Haas and Glenn to start the match. Haas and Glenn circle each other to start before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie up, but Haas quickly transitions to a standing rear waist lock on Glenn. Haas hits a waist lock slam, drops down into a front chancery, floats over into a front head lock, turns Glenn over into a snap mare takedown, and gives him a STIFF kick to the back. Haas drags Glenn back to his feet, whips him to the ropes, waits for him to rebound, and ducks his head to telegraph the back body drop, so Glenn puts on the brakes and kicks Haas right in the chest. Glenn head to the corner, tags Mattson into the match, and rolls out onto the ring apron as Mattson climbs into the ring.

Mattson charges at Haas, but Haas catches him with a big belly-to-belly suplex. Haas seriously does hit that move better than anybody in the business. Haas heads to the corner, tags Benjamin into the match, drags Mattson back to his feet, and holds him in a front face lock as Benjamin climbs into the ring. Benjamin heads up to the second rope and connects with a second rope flying knee shot to Mattson' shoulder. Haas climbs out of the ring as Benjamin drags Mattson back to his feet, applies an arm wringer, and takes him over with an arm drag takedown. Benjamin holds Mattson's arm on the mat, drives his knee into Mattson's shoulder two times, and then wrenches away on Mattson's arm. Benjamin drags Mattson back to his feet and connects with a shoulder breaker. Benjamin drags Mattson back to his feet, applies a standing arm bar, guides him over to the corner, and tags Haas into the match. Benjamin takes Mattson over with a snap mare takedown and hold his arm on the mat as Haas slingshots over the top rope and drives a knee into Mattson's shoulder.

Benjamin rolls out onto the ring apron as Haas applies an arm bar to Mattson. Haas applies a front face lock to Mattson, guides him over to the corner, and tags Benjamin back into the match. Haas holds Mattson as Benjamin slingshots over the top rope and drives a knee into Mattson's shoulder. Haas climbs out of the ring as Benjamin applies an arm bar to Mattson. Mattson fights back to his feet and breaks the hold with four punches to Benjamin's face, but Benjamin drops him with a front kick to the face. Mattson manage to fall backwards towards his corner and tag Glenn into the match. Glenn climbs into the ring and charges at Benjamin as Mattson rolls out onto the ring apron, but Benjamin catches Glenn with a back breaker. Benjamin kicks Glenn in the face, drags him back to his feet, and drills him with the T-Bone Suplex. Benjamin drags Glenn back to his feet, guides him over to the corner, and tags Haas into the match. Benjamin and Haas hit the World's Greatest Stun Gun, and Haas gets the submission with the Haas of Pain. FINALLY, THE HAAS OF PAIN HAS COME BACK… TO HEAT! Man do I love that move. Anyway, The World's Greatest Ring Music hits, Benjamin climbs back into the ring, and the referee raises their hands in victory. Benjamin drags Glenn back to his feet and flings him out of the ring. Damn straight, bitch. Benjamin and Haas hit the corner to show the crowd what a real tag team looks like.

Match Result: Charlie Haas defeats Dave Glenn with the Haas of Pain.
Match Length: 3:47
Best Spot: The World's Greatest Tag Team's World's Greatest Stun Gun

We move on to a commercial for Cody Rhodes vs. Daivari, next on Heat.

Next up is a commercial for Rhodes / Holly III, live this Monday at 9e/8c. If Cody is smart, then he'll bring a table with him to the ring. I hear Holly has a weird fear of tables these days…

Match 4: Cody Rhodes vs. Daivari

We're back on Heat, and it's time for our MAIN EVENT! Daivari's music hits, and the Gilligan to the Great Khali's Skipper makes his way down the ramp. Daivari climbs into the ring, drops to his knees, and… Sorry, that last part made me remember how much I miss Lita… Anyway, Daivari prays to Allah before grabbing a microphone from Lillian Garcia. Daivari begins to cut a scathing promo in Farsi, but suddenly he's cut off my some familiar music. And yes, I did just copy the last five sentences directly from an old Heat Report. So sue me. This shit gets a bit repetitive, know what I mean? Anyway, Cody Rhodes' music hits, and the grandson of a plumber makes his way down the ramp. Is anyone else absolutely amazed that Vince McMahon doesn't make Cody wear polka dots on his trunks? I mean, sure, that would be a HORRIBLE idea, but you know it's exactly the kind of thing that would make Vince hard. Rhodes climbs into the ring and stares at the evil foreigner. Both men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.

Rhodes and Daivari circle each other to start before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Daivari quickly transitions to a standing rear waist lock into a roll-up pin. Daivari has Rhodes covered but only gets a one count before Rhodes kicks out. Both men get back to their feet and Rhodes backs Daivari into the corner, so Daivari begins to climbs between the ropes so that the referee with force Rhodes to give him some space. Rhodes and Daivari circle each other for a second time before locking each other up in a second collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Daivari quickly transitions to a standing side head lock on Rhodes. Rhodes whips Daivari to the ropes to break the hold, but Daivari comes off the ropes and drops Rhodes with a shoulder block. Daivari hits the ropes, leaps over Rhodes, hits the opposite ropes, and charges towards Rhodes again, but this time Rhodes catches Daivari with a shoulder block. Daivari gets back to his feet, but Rhodes applies a standing side head lock of his own. Daivari tries to whip Rhodes to the ropes to break the hold, but Rhodes slides to the mat and maintains his hold on Daivari's head. Daivari fights back to his feet and successfully manages to whip Rhodes to the ropes to break the hold, but Rhodes comes off the ropes and levels Daivari with a shoulder block. Rhodes covers Daivari but only gets a two count before Daivari kicks out.

Rhodes drags Daivari back to his feet, applies a standing side head lock, and takes Daivari over with a hip toss into a head lock. Daivari fights back to his feet, whips Rhodes to the ropes to break the hold, waits for him to rebound, and ducks his head to telegraph the back body drop, so Rhodes puts on the brakes and kicks Daivari right in the chest. Rhodes charges at Daivari, but Daivari hot shots him ribs-first onto the top rope. Rhodes grabs his ribs and stumbles about the ring in pain. Daivari shoves Rhodes to the corner, kicks Rhodes in the gut, and gives him two shoulder blocks to the gut. Daivari applies an arm wringer and whips Rhodes to the opposite corner, and Rhode slams chest-first into the top turnbuckle. Daivari covers Rhodes but only gets at two count before Rhodes kicks out. Daivari gives Rhodes two elbow drops to the ribs and covers him again, but once again he only gets at two count before Rhodes kicks out. Daivari raises Rhodes up into a seated position and applies a rear waist lock, but Rhodes fights back to his feet and muscles Daivari into the corner to break the hold. Rhodes stumbles back to the middle of the ring, but Daivari charges out of the corner and hits him with a running clothesline. Daivari covers Rhodes but only gets a two count before Rhodes kicks out.

Daivari raises Rhodes up into a seated position and applies a rear waist lock. He breaks the hold momentarily in order to drive his knee into Rhodes back two times but then immediately reapplies the hold. Daivari covers Rhodes but only gets a one count before Rhodes kicks out. Daivari applies yet another rear waist lock to Rhodes, but Rhodes manages to fight back to his feet. Rhodes takes Daivari over with a hip toss, but Daivari manages to maintain the hold. Rhodes again fights back to his feet, and this time he manages to break the hold by dropping down into a jaw breaker on Daivari. Daivari drags Rhodes back to his feet, guides him over to the corner, and tries to slam his head into the top turnbuckle, but Rhodes get his foot up on the second turnbuckle to block. Rhodes slams Daivari's head into the top turnbuckle, gives him two punches to the face, and levels him with a running clothesline. Daivari springs back up to his feet, but Rhodes drops him with another running clothesline. Daivari again gets back up to his feet, but Rhodes immediately catches him with a scoop slam. Rhodes hits the ropes and drops a knee onto Daivari's head. Rhodes covers Daivari but only gets a two count before Daivari kicks out.

Both men get back to their feet and Daivari begs for mercy, but Rhodes kicks him in the gut and gives him a forearm shot to the face. Rhodes whips Daivari to the ropes, waits for him to rebound, and goes for a clothesline, but Daivari ducks underneath his arm to avoid contact. Daivari hits the ropes and charges at Rhodes, but Rhodes catches him with a power slam. Rhodes covers Daivari but only gets a two count before Daivari kicks out. Rhodes drags Daivari back to his feet and tries to whip him to the ropes, but Daivari reverses and instead whips Rhodes over the top rope. Rhodes skins the cat back into the ring, ducks a punch from Daivari, kicks Daivari in the gut, and connects with the Rhodes DDT (single underhook DDT). Rhodes music hits as the referee raises his hand in victory. Rhodes celebrates his victory in the ring as we close out the episode.

Match Result: Cody Rhodes defeats Daivari with the Rhodes DDT.
Match Length: 5:29
Best Spot: Rhodes' power slam

Okay kids, that's it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I'll see you back here next weekend.