411’s WWE Heat Report 11.04.07

Posted by Scott Slimmer on 11.04.2007

We’ve got two squashes and a tag team disaster on Heat. I seriously can’t remember why I’ve been doing this for two whole years…

Hey guys and gals, I'm Scott, and this is 411's WWE Heat Report.

This Heat Report marks my two year anniversary here at 411. In fact, my very first column for the site was my special pre-Taboo Tuesday edition of 411's WWE Heat Report 11.01.05 featuring Joey Styles' first match as a WWE commentator. Two years later, I'm sure that Vince and Larry are both quite shocked that Joey and I still show up for work every week. On the flip side, I'm also sure that both Joey and I have absolutely no idea how we've lasted two years without getting fired. I've learned alot of important lessons during these past two years, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to share with you just a few of them:

1. I am a better Heat Reporter than Jeff Small could ever even hope to be.
2. Rob Conway STILL rules all.
3. I hate "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan in a way that the English language does not have the words to express.
4. Comparing Small to me is like comparing a Will Purdue to Michael Jordan
5. Larry Csonka works in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It is his true medium.
6. The best 411 column to use for "releasing some tension" is undoubtedly Bayani Domingo's Truth B Told.
7. I'm still upset about that time Small lost his smile and quit the site.
8. The level of homoerotic sexual tension expressed in the 411 Super Secret Staff Forum is terrifying. Seriously, even Senator Larry Craig would get creeped out in there. Last year I made the same joke using Congressman Mark Foley instead of Larry Craig. Anybody want to make a bet about which politician is going to be vehemently denying his obvious homosexuality at this time next year?
9. Best Word Ever: DAMN!
10. Small's girlfriend makes REALLY good pancakes. And he does a pretty good job with the live Raw Report as well.

You're probably aware that unlike Raw and Smackdown!, Heat is now available exclusively on WWE.com. You may also be aware that Heat is now only available as full-length episodes instead of individual segments. This change in presentation means that the previous Preview / Review format of the Heat Report is now somewhat obsolete. So from now on I'm going to be using a more traditional recapping style that will be most similar to the Review section of previous Heat Reports. Be sure to email me and let me know what you think of the new format. I want this Report to be as useful as possible, so I'm always open to suggestions. Okay, enough with the boring stuff. Let's get to the wrestling.

Match 1: Snitsky vs. Greg Cardona

We start off with the new WWE: The Power is Back video followed by the Heat opening video. Todd Grisham, alongside Jonathan, welcomes us to Heat. Snitsky's music hits, and the man who cried himself to sleep after being left out of the ECW Monster Mash Battle Royal makes his way down the ramp. Snitsky climbs into the ring where Greg (or maybe Craig) Cardona is already waiting for him. Snitsky seems ready for action and Cardona seems ready to meet his maker, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.

Snitsky and Cardona circle each other to start and Snitsky goes for a collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Cardona ducks underneath Snitsky's arm, slides behind him, and applies a standing rear waist lock. Snitsky breaks the hold with two back elbow shots to the side of Cardona's head before trapping Cardona in the corner and giving him a kick to the gut, a punch to the face, and another back elbow shot to the side of the head. Snitsky whips Cardona to the opposite corner and charges after him, but Cardona gets both boots up and plants them right in Snitsky's face. Cardona climbs up to the second rope and goes for a flying cross body, but Snitsky catches him, carries him across the ring, and gives him a fall-away slam. Cardona crawls to the corner and climbs back to his feet, but Snitsky charges at him and damn near decapitates him with a clothesline. Snitsky drags Cardona back to his feet, tosses him all the way across the ring, drags him back up to his feet again, applies a double underhook, and shakes the shit outta the poor kid. Snitsky gives Cardona two knee shots to the head, releases the hold, shoves him to the ropes, waits for him to rebound, and levels him with a Big Boot. Snitsky drags Cardona back to his feet, hits the pump-handle slam, and gets the three count. Snitsky's music hits as the referee raises his hand in victory. Snitsky climbs out of the ring and heads back up the ramp as Cardona begins to wonder why the universe hates him so much.

Match Result: Snitsky defeats Greg Cardona with the pump-handle slam.
Match Length: 1:51
Best Spot: Snitsky's pump-handle slam

We move on to a teaser for Ron Simmons in action, next on Heat.

Next up is a commercial for WWEShop.com.

Match 2: Ron Simmons vs. Jason Static

"DAMN!" We're back on Heat, Ron Simmons' music hits, and the only performer in WWE to get paid by the word makes his way down the ramp. Simmons climbs into the ring where Jason Static is already waiting for him. I think I remember this kid from one or two previous episodes of Heat. I'm guessing he's not going to fare much better this time around than he did in his previous appearances. Anyway, both men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.

Simmons and Static circle each other to start before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Simmons muscles Static to the corner and grants the clean break at the referee's behest, but Static takes the opportunity to give Simmons a cheap bitch slap right across the face. Um, somebody better call the morgue. Simmons retaliates with three punches to Static's chest, a kick to Static's chest, and a punch to Static's face. Simmons whips Static to the opposite corner, waits for him to rebound, and levels him with a clothesline. Simmons drags Static back to his feet, but Static takes charge by raking Simmons' eyes. Static hits the ropes and charges at Simmons, but Simmons catches him with a power slam. Simmons covers Static and gets the three count. Simmons' music hits as the referee raises his hand in victory. Simmons grabs a microphone, and it looks like he's got something on his mind.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Ron Simmons: "DAMN!"

I love that part. Simmons climbs out of the ring and head back up the ramp as Static begins to realize that even Greg Cardona is going to give him shit backstage for looking like such a fucking pussy.

Match Result: Ron Simmons defeats Jason Static with a power slam.
Match Length: 0:44
Best Spot: Simmons' power slam

Next up is a teaser for "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. The Highlanders, next on Heat. Oh freaking joy.

We move on to a commercial for the return of DX AND "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, live this week on Raw.

The WWE Slam of the Week features footage of The Highlanders defeating "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan & Super Crazy last week on Heat.

Match 3: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan & Super Crazy vs. The Highlanders

We're back on Heat, and it's time for our MAIN EVENT! "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan's music hits, and I think that's my cue to start drinking. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan and Super Crazy make their way down the ramp and climb into the ring before Duggan grabs the microphone from Lillian Garcia. Oh Sweet Baby James… no…. not again… fuck. Duggan and Crazy break into their horrible "Ho / Si" deal, and I'm once again reminded that Csonka doesn't pay me enough to sit through this kind of shit. Luckily the bagpipes soon hit, and The Highlanders make their way down the ramp. I've never been so happy to see a pair of evil Scotsmen in my life.

Duggan and Robbie head to their respective corners and climb out onto the ring apron, so it looks like it's going to be Crazy and Rory to start the match. Duggan insists on starting yet another freaking crowd chant, but I'm just going to no-sell all Duggan-related chants from this point forward. It's either that or drinking a gallon of methanol to ease my pain. Anyway, Crazy and Rory circle each other to start before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Crazy quickly switches to a standing rear hammer lock on Rory, but Rory makes it to the ropes to force the break. Crazy and Rory circle each other for a second time before locking each other up in a second collar-and-elbow tie-up. Crazy quickly switches to a standing rear hammer lock, but this time Rory reverses in to a standing rear hammer lock of his own. Rory muscles Crazy down to the mat, but Crazy fights back up to his feet and breaks the hold with a sweet flipping snap mare takedown. Crazy charges at Rory and Rory tries to give him a back body drop over the top rope, but Crazy floats over and lands on his feet on the ring apron. Rory spins around and takes a swing at Crazy, but Crazy blocks the punch. Rory tries to hip toss Crazy back over the top rope, but Crazy counters into a deep arm drag takedown on Rory. Rory gets back to his feet, but Crazy catches him with a second deep arm drag takedown. Crazy maintains his hold on Rory's arm, but Rory fights back to his feet. Crazy switches to an arm bar on Rory, guides him over to the corner, tags Duggan into the match, and holds Rory as Duggan climbs into the ring and gives Rory an elbow shot to the shoulder.

Crazy climbs out onto the ring apron as Duggan gives Rory four punches to the shoulder. Duggan applies an arm wringer to Rory, gives him another elbow shot to the shoulder, switches to a standing rear hammer lock, guides him over to the corner, and slams him shoulder-first into the top turnbuckle. Duggan gives Rory yet another elbow shot to the shoulder followed by who more punches to the shoulder before applying another arm wringer and again driving his elbow into Rory's shoulder. Duggan maintains the arm wringer, guides Rory over to the corner, gives him three more elbow shots to the shoulder, tags Crazy into the match, and holds Rory as Crazy climbs into the ring and punts Rory in the shoulder.

Duggan climbs out onto the ring apron as Crazy gives Rory two more kicks to the shoulder. Crazy takes Rory over with a snap mare takedown and applies a rear chin lock. Rory begins to fight back to his feet, so Crazy releases the hold and gives Rory a clubbing forearm shot to the back. Crazy drags Rory back to his feet, whips him to the ropes, waits for him to rebound, and drops his head to telegraph the back body drop, so Rory puts on the brakes and gives Crazy a head butt to the back of the head. Rory drags Crazy back to his feet, drags him over to the corner, slaps Robbie across the face to tag him into the match, and holds Crazy as Robbie climbs into the ring and gives Crazy a head butt.

Rory climbs out onto the ring apron as Robbie stomps on Crazy's head before giving him a double ax-handle shot to the face. Robbie drags Crazy back to his feet, gives him a scoop slam, and once again stomps on his head. Robbie drags Crazy back to his feet, guides him over to the corner, slaps Rory across the chest to tag him into the match, and holds Crazy as Rory climbs into the ring. The Highlanders give Crazy a double head butt and Robbie climbs out onto the ring apron. Rory covers Crazy but only gets a two count before Crazy kicks out. Rory gives Crazy three mounted punches, pulls him over to the corner, slaps Robbie across the chest to tag him into the match, and holds Crazy on the mat as Robbie stomps on the back of Crazy's head. Rory climbs out onto the ring apron as Robbie gives Crazy an elbow drop to the head. Robbie covers Crazy but only gets a two count before Crazy kicks out.

Robbie drags Crazy back to his feet, guide him over to the corner, and slams his head into the top turnbuckle. Crazy crumbles to the mat, but Robbie drags him back to his feet and applies what looks like a modified Cobra Clutch. Crazy breaks the hold with two knee shots to Robbie's gut, but Robbie fights back with a clubbing forearm shot to Crazy's back. Robbie drags Crazy back to his feet, whips him to the corner, and charges after him, but Crazy just manages to slide out of the way. Robbie slams chest-first into the top turnbuckle as Crazy dives across the ring and finally tags Duggan into the match.

Crazy rolls out onto the ring apron as Duggan climbs into the ring and levels Robbie with a running clothesline. Robbie springs back up to his feet, but Duggan immediately levels him with a second running clothesline. Duggan heads over to the corner, punches Rory in the face, waits for Robbie to get back to his feet, and gives him a scoop slam. Duggan heads over to the corner, goes down into a three-point stance, waits for Robbie to get back to his feet, and knocks his block off with the Running Clothesline. Duggan covers Robbie but only gets a two count before Rory flies into the ring and breaks up the pin with a double ax-handle shot to Duggan's back.

Duggan gets back to his feet and drives Rory back to the corner with two clubbing forearm shots to the back, but Robbie sneaks up behind Duggan and connects with two of his own clubbing forearm shots to the back. Robbie drags Duggan across the second rope, gives him three stomps to the back, and them chokes him across the rope. The referee admonishes Robbie and warns him not to choke his opponents, but while the referee is distracted Rory grabs Duggan and applies a sleeper hold. Duggan breaks the hold and nails Rory with two punches to the face, but Robbie catches him from behind with four more clubbing forearm shots to the back. Robbie drags Duggan over to the corner, slaps Rory across the face to tag him into the match, and hold Duggan on the mat as Rory climbs into the ring and drops an elbow down onto Duggan's' chest. Robbie climbs out onto the ring apron as Rory goes for the lateral press. Rory has Duggan covered but only gets a two count before Duggan kicks out.

Rory raises Duggan up into a seated position and applies a rear chin lock, but Duggan fights back up to his feet and breaks the hold with three elbow shots to Rory's gut. Duggan gives Rory two punches to the face, hits the ropes, and goes for a running clothesline, but Rory catches him with a knee shot to the gut. Rory drops a knee onto Duggan's' face, drags him back up to his feet, and delivers a vicious head butt. Rory slaps Robbie across the face to tag him into the match and then hold Duggan as Robbie climbs into the ring and gives Duggan four clubbing forearm shots to the back. Rory climbs out onto the ring apron as Robbie whips Duggan to the ropes, waits for him to rebound, and connects with a standing drop kick to the face. Robbie covers Duggan but only gets a two count before Duggan kicks out.

Robbie raises Duggan up into a seated position and applies a rear chin lock, but Duggan fights back up to his feet. Duggan tries to break the hold with three elbow shots to Robbie's gut, but Robbie maintains his hold on Duggan's head and drags him all the way back down to the mat. Duggan again fights back up to his feet and connects with two punches to Robbie's head, but Robbie retaliates with a knee shot to Duggan's gut followed but a clubbing forearm shot to Duggan's back. Robbie slaps Rory across the face to tag him into the match and holds Duggan as Rory climbs into the ring and gives Duggan a kick to the gut followed by a punch to the face. Rory applies a standing side head lock to Duggan, but Duggan shoves him to the ropes, waits for him to rebound, and drops him with a shoulder block. Rory crawls across the ring and tags Robbie into the match as Duggan desperately tries to crawl towards his own corner. Rory climbs out onto the ring apron as Robbie climbs into the ring and flings himself at Duggan, but Duggan just manages to make the tag to Crazy.

Duggan rolls out onto the ring apron as Crazy charges into the ring and connects with a spinning back heel kick to Robbie. Robbie gets back up to his feet, but Crazy hits him with a basement drop kick to the knee. Robbie gets back up to his knees, but Crazy gives him three forearm shots to the face before hitting the ropes and connects with a low drop kick to Robbie's head. Crazy drags Robbie over to the ropes and hits a springboard moonsault but only gets a two count before Robbie kicks out. Duggan and Rory both charge into the ring, and Duggan drops Rory with a single punch. Rory slides out of the ring and down to the arena floor, grabs Duggan's feet, and drags him out of the ring as well. Rory levels Duggan with a head butt on the outside while back in the ring Crazy drags Robbie back to his feet and gives him scoop slam. Crazy climbs up to the top rope and prepares for a moonsault, but Rory heads right for him with bad intentions. Crazy kicks Rory off the apron and goes for the moonsault, but Robbie just manages to roll out of the way. Robbie covers Crazy and gets the three count. The Highlanders' music hits as Rory rolls back into the ring and the referee raises their hands in victory. The Highlanders celebrate their victory as Super Crazy wonders how his time as a Mexicool is beginning to look like fun compared to this shit.

Match Result: Robbie McAllister defeats Super Crazy after Super Crazy misses a top rope moonsault.
Match Length: 9:52
Best Spot: Crazy's springboard moonsault

Okay kids, that's it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I'll see you back here next weekend.