The Impact Crater 12.20.07

Posted by Ryan Byers on 12.21.2007

Though there is still some idiocy, Christmas brings out the best in TNA and allows them to deliver Impact's first good episode in months.



Quick & Dirty Results

Segment #1: Booker T., Scott Steiner, & LAX def. Bobby Roode, James Storm, Jimmy Rave, & Lance Hoyt in a steel cage match
Segment #2: Dudley Boys/Johnny Devine Interview Segment
Segment #3: The Murder City Machine Guns & Jay Lethal def. The Dudley Boys & Johnny Devine in a pole match
Segment #4: The Amazing Kong def. Gail Kim, Roxxi LaVeaux, Christy Hemme, Talia Madison, Angel Williams, ODB, Traci Brooks, & Jackie Moore in a street fight
Segment #5: Rebboj Johnny Stamboli def. Shark Boy, Abyss, & Chocolate Reign in a hardcore match
Segment #6: Frankie Kazarian def. AJ Styles in a ladder match

The Main Stuff

Angle Numero Uno: Gimmicks Galore

There were too many gimmick matches on this show. I know that I'll probably get a few e-mails from folks trying to defend those matches. If you're contemplating writing one of these e-mails, let me ask you a question: Do you really know what the purpose of a gimmick match is?

The purpose of a gimmick match, as with most things in wrestling, is to make money. The idea is that the majority of your bouts are either straight up tag team or singles affairs, with fans paying a little extra money or making a little bit of an extra effort to tune in on those exceptional nights when they're promised something a little bit different. Thus, if you have too many gimmick matches (particularly gimmick matches on free TV), you reduce your chances of making money because viewers see them as the norm instead of as a special event. Because of that fact, there should almost never be an all-gimmick match show, particularly one that is given away for free.

What was particularly ridiculous about this night of gimmick matches is that they tried to promote it at the end of last weeks' show by running down the ridiculous, Christmas-themed names that they had for every bout. Before last week, how many of you had heard of a "Santa's Workshop Street Fight," a "Double North Pole Match," or a "Christmas Chaos Match?" Unless you either work for TNA or read the spoilers, I'm guessing that the answer is that nobody had heard of them. If that's the case, what the HELL was TNA attempting to accomplish by listing them all? Were we supposed to tune in just to see what the rules were in each of these matches? Doesn't common sense dictate that the more effective path to take would involve announcing the actual rules of the matches ahead of time?

With all of that being said, there really wasn't a bad match on the show. The cage match, the pole match, and the ladder match were all very good given the amount of time that was allotted for them and the constraints that the gimmicks placed on the wrestlers. The women's match wasn't the greatest thing on the show, but it was again fine given the constraints of the gimmick and did a good job of advancing the Gail Kim/Amazing Kong storyline. Even the hardcore match, a type of bout that I feel was played out ten years ago, was tolerable and had a bit of a fresh dynamic thanks to the inclusion of Shark Boy. Overall, despite the complaints listed above, this was one of the best top to bottom nights of in-ring action on Impact in several months.

Angle Numero Dos: Skits n' Shit

In addition to the Christmas-themed matches, we also got a series of backstage skits focusing on a Christmas party hosted by Eric Young. This was virtually the same setup as the Thanksgiving skits from a month ago, and I have the same basic complaint that I had about the turkey day series. Back then, I said:

They all followed the same basic pattern, in that the Angles would get a knock on the door, followed by a new guest arriving. Once the guest walked through the door, EVERYBODY WOULD START YELLING. I'm not kidding. A new person would show up in the room, and it was as though this was everybody else's cue to start talking over each other. All of them were miced as well, so it's not as though you heard one or two guys over what was essentially background noise. Instead, everybody's voice was at the same level, and we were left to just listen to EVERYBODY YELLING for two minute periods. Occasionally something would happen that was supposed to be funny, though I couldn't tell you whether I would've laughed at it because I never had an opportunity to hear enough to get any jokes. Has anybody in TNA production even watched television before? Do they realize that on other shows, when there are scenes involving ten people on camera at once, only two or three characters can be heard by the audience? Do they realize that there's a DAMN GOOD REASON for this? Apparently not. Welcome to TNA, now featuring the slogan "The louder it is, the better it is."

And the same thing held true tonight. TNA, if you're going to attempt comedy, please make it comedy that people can hear.

I also wanted to make a couple of comments about the cameos that we saw in these skits. Within fifteen seconds of the show opening, I saw not only a Bushwacker but also Phi Delta Slam. Yes, that's right, Phi Delta Slam was back in TNA for one night only, and their role was getting beaten up by the Amazing Kong. She wasn't smacking around Petey Williams or Jimmy Rave as I had previously requested, but at least we finally got to see Kong knocking around some men. As far as the Bushwacker is concerned, perhaps the next time TNA brings in an 80's star at random, they should explain who he is. There are tons of young people watching this show, and I'd be willing to bet that none of them got the joke.

Last but not least, I have a zoological complaint. Eric Young introduced everybody to his cousin the "monkey girl." This woman had an animal on a leash, but it was not a monkey. It was a lemur. For those of you who may not be aware, lemurs and monkeys are entirely different types of primates. Identifying a lemur as a monkey is akin to having a human being in the room and saying, "Hey, look, a gorilla!"

And the Rest . . .

~ Long-time readers will recall that I don't care much for Jimmy Rave, but even I had to feel sorry for him tonight when Hernandez launched him HEAD FIRST in to one of the support beams on the cage. It looked like poor Jimmy was supposed to rotate and hit the cage back first but didn't get over far enough. Merry Christmas, Jimmy.

~ One of 411mania's resident cool kids Brad Garoon recently made this comment in regards to Allison Danger's gear, but it also needs to be said to Christy Hemme. When you combine a short skirt with white spandex briefs, you don't look sexy. You just look like you're wearing a diaper.

~ Why is Shark Boy wrapped in bandages? I know they're trying to give him a gimmick in which he is banged up, but WHY? What caused these injuries? Who hurt him? Furthermore, this guy is already a wrestling fish. Does he really need a second comedy gimmick on top of that?

~ There wasn't too much to tonight's Christian/Kurt Angle build, and you know what? That's fine. It's perfectly fine. It's about time that TNA decided to do something simple in order to set up a pay per view main event. We need more of this and less of the convoluted B.S. that we saw leading to Kurt Angle vs. Sting a few months back.

Overall

Though I wasn't a huge fan of the Christmas party skits and thought that the gimmick match overkill was a poor business move, I enjoyed this edition of Impact far more than any other episode in the last two months. If I've said one thing about Impact time and time again, it's that TNA has an awesome roster which is handicapped by horrendous booking. This handicap often results in shows that should be awesome turning in to shows that are unbearable. However, on tonight's Impact, there were very few major angles being advanced. With few major angles being advanced, there was no room for TNA's inept booking team to work its black magic. Instead, we got plenty of time for in-ring action, and the vast majority of it was good in-ring action. If TNA could take this level of wrestling and combine it with logical plot advancement every week, it would be one of the best professional wrestling shows in history.

Reader Feedback

We'll kick things off with Isaac, who wants to make a few additions to the comments I made last week about the Feast or Fired briefcases:

Thanks again for the Crater. Was totally looking forward to it today after watching Impact last night because it was a mess and I knew you'd call it out.

So, I wanted to point out something during the ridiculous briefcase game show segment that left me a little confused I am sure some viewers and anyone new tuning in for the first time probably just didn't get.

Petey and Steiner switch cases. That's okay I guess. I mean, it's not, but I follow it. Here's the confusing part. Petey is reportedly opening Case #1. JB says this. Only the case says "Scott" and it's got the number 4 on it. What the hell? For anyone just tuning in, who a) doesn't know who the hell Petey is, or b) knows that the number 1 is not the number 4, they must have been hella confused here. If nothing else TNA could have at least made the whole thing kind of logical instead of making it look as though JB couldn't read, and couldn't count. Why are there even names on the cases? Confusing!

Then there's the Steiner promo about opening the case of his choice. He clearly says "I'm in a no win situation here" I'm thinking, um, what? There were two cases at this point, being fired, or getting an X Division title shot. So Steiner thinks competing for the X Division belt is about as good a result as getting fired? That's just brilliant. They treat that belt worse than any I think I've ever seen, and further confuse the segment. I had to stop paying attention for a second to figure out what the deal was again and if Steiner really was in a no win situation, or if something changed, or if he just hates the X belt. Good lord this promotion is just retarded. I slam WWE all the time for catering to the lowest common denominator and turning out angles that insult intelligence. At least those angles don't befuddle me like this one and make me think their belts are garbage.

The funny thing is that I'd thought of these points as well but decided not to include them in the Crater because I already had over two solid pages worth of logic gaps and backwards booking in the Feast or Fired segments. It truly is amazing that a company can make so many mistakes in the execution of one angle that I don't even have the space to address them all in a practical manner.

Paul doesn't much care for me:

Uhh why was Elix Skipper the ref uh because they're all part of XXX and as usual Byers didn't actually listen to the show they told you skipper wanted to be the ref. Uhhh Why did the lumberjacks have leather straps and were all against Petey Williams? If you need this answered you a) haven't really watched the show and write dumb columns like this to get paid or b) you just don't pay attention. Team 3D didn't make the save and got run out of there. The Briefcases were booked to me pretty well you have all the screwups by the people involved in a) picking the briefcase as in Steiners case and instead of a world title shot he got the X division title shot. I see some backstory b) daniels getting the briefcase from Low Ki which led him to being "fired" this is probably going to pay off with Daniels trying to get his job back and face Low Ki in a loser gets fired match which wouldn't be a bad idea and would make sense since the case was originally Low Ki's and Daniels is a heel so he would make up some excuse for that. They have started building up the next ppv with some of the angles in this show they have 3 weeks to put a card together including half that will be obvious so any extra buildup will be just a bonus. By the way from reading the spoilers from next weeks show they do continue the build. Honestly Larry does a much better job then Ryan does. Ryan needs things explained to him which only a fool would not know what the reason is and to me makes a fool of himself on weekly basis with questions that show his ignorance of the company and of wrestling in general.

Actually, you're misunderstanding the questions, Paul. I'm well aware of the fact that Elix Skipper requested to be the referee for the Low Ki vs. Daniels match. However, there was never any explanation given as to WHY Elix Skipper would want to be the ref. He had some ridiculous throw-away line about this being "family business," but why does Skipper think that would that make him a better referee than anybody who normally officiates matches for the company? It was never explained.

I also did not ask why the lumberjacks in last week's match all had straps and attacked Johnny Devine. (Note that the wrestler involved Johnny Devine, not Petey Williams as you incorrectly assert.) I asked what the storyline reason was for TNA wrestling booking Jay Lethal and Johnny Devine against each other in a lumberjack match. Historically, when a gimmick match has been booked in a wrestling promotion, there has been a reason given for the specific gimmick being used. For example, if a heel kept walking out on matches, the promotion would explain that the powers that be booked a lumberjack match or a cage match to keep the heel in the ring. Another classic example would be a weapon like a chain being used in a match, resulting in a disqualification. In response, the promotion books a chain match between the two wrestlers and explains that this is because the competitors had previously resorted to using the weapon. On last week's show, Johnny Devine and Jay Lethal were just magically wrestling each other in a lumberjack match with the X Division wrestlers acting as lumberjacks. It was never explained why, in storyline terms, TNA wrestling decided that a lumberjack match would be the best way to settle the differences between the two wrestlers.

As far as the pay per view build is concerned, they've certainly been putting together angles which will no doubt be resolved on the pay per view. I never said that they weren't. However, as of last week they had not announced any matches, and that in and of itself is a problem. You and I could both probably guess what a match or two on the card will be, but history proves that people get far more excited about a card (and therefore more likely to buy it) when they know what several of the matches are in advance as opposed to receiving definite confirmation of the card's contents at the last minute. If you want a recent example of a thrown together card flopping and flopping hard, you need to look no further than the disastrous ECW December to Dismember show, which earned WWE one of its lowest buyrates of the decade.

Up next is Samoa Joel (buh-zing) who posted the following using 411's brand spanking new "comments" feature, which you can all find at the bottom of this very page:

First off, I personally DO enjoy the TNA product. I think it's a hilarious alternative to WWE, which provides much humor and generally good in-ring action, probably on a more consistent basis than WWE. Does this humuor generate buys? Well, I don't care. That's not really my own personal concern as a wrestling fan. When I watch wrestling, I watch it to be entertained. Whether or not what TNA is doing is generating buys, I don't care much, as long as I can enjoy it for what it is. Does this mean I'm not invested in the product (ie. don't care if it shuts down to lack of funds?). Probably yes. I can see guys with the talent of the TNA roster on ROH, and I can see sports entertainment stuff on WWE. Frankly if TNA shut down, most of these guys could go to one or the other and entertain me either way. So most of your complaints don't concern me as a viewer.

BUT (big but) if I did care about that stuff, then you make a lot of good points, and obviously what TNA is doing right now ISN'T working, so it's not really defendable from most viewpoints. It is a really bad soap opera, and they do fuck a lot of stuff up but at this point, this is part of why I watch it. This is its niche. I think if they want to survive, they need to take a lot of what you've said into consideration. Overall, my feedback is this: You made some great points in the article. If they take heed of that advice, then I would most likely enjoy that show as well, but, personally, I still find TNA entertaining. I probably take comedy where they're trying to be serious, but I do enjoy it.

If you only care about whether the company is entertaining and not about how they're doing on a business level, you're being very short sighted. The fact remains that the company still has yet to turn a substantial profit. If that doesn't change, the company will ultimately go out of business and not be able to entertain you any longer. That, combined with the fact that I would like many of the wrestlers on the roster to continue receiving paychecks, is the reason that I care so much about the financial status of the company.

And that does it for this week. I'll be back next week for the last Impact of the year. Enjoy Christmas, and be sure to add me as a friend on MySpace to receive a bulletin notification every time I post a new column on 411.