411's UWF on ESPN Classic Report 01.08.08

Posted by Ryan Byers on 01.08.2008

Low level wrestling from the early 1990's is airing at 1 AM on basic cable? I'm there!

Welcome, one and all, to 411mania's recap for the UWF on ESPN Classic. Before we begin, here's a little bit of background: What I'm getting ready to recap is NOT the UWF run by Bill Watts, which had previously been known as Mid-South Wrestling. This UWF was a startup promotion operated from 1990 to 1994 by a promoter named Herb Abrams. For reasons that I have yet to ascertain, ESPN Classic has decided to air two half hour episodes of the show every weeknight at 1 AM EST. Because I'm already not getting nearly as much sleep as I should, I figured that I would provide those of you at 411 with a recap of all the action.

Episode One

After an unsurprisingly hokey opening montage of action, we are greeted by the commentary of hosts Herb Abrams and Bruno Sammartino. It becomes immediately clear that the network is not airing the complete run of the UWF in sequence, as the commentators are referring to things that happened "last week."

Match Numero Uno: Billy Jack Haynes vs. Gary Keyes

Billy immediately hits a German suplex and a snap mare before dropping the knee and landing a backbreaker. Keyes bails for a second but walks right back in to Haynes' knee and then eats a surprisingly good standing dropkick. The jobber now tries to fire back with some rights, but that fails miserably. Within seconds, the Oregonian drops the leg and applies the full nelson for a quick submission.

Match Thoughts: Though I'm not going to be putting him in the same class as Blitzkrieg or Juventud Guerrera anytime soon, I was surprised by how easily Haynes moved around the ring in this one given that I've spent the last couple of decades remembering him as an immobile stiff. His German and his dropkick both looked fairly good and added some flavor to what otherwise could have been a painfully dull squash.

As soon as the finish airs, we IMMEDIATELY cut to commercial. That was weird.

Match Numero Dos: Ken Patera vs. Riki Attaki

The announcers continue to put over the possibility of seeing a Haynes vs. Patera match with the supposed appeal of the contest being a final determination of which wrestler has the better full nelson. Patera draws "jailbird" chants based on his stint in prison, which was brought on by a nasty incident in which he assaulted police officers and threw rocks through a McDonald's window. Attaki is dominated rather quickly as the self-proclaimed world's strongest man grounds him with a chinlock and then a bearhug. Elbows, clotheslines, and punches abound from Patera. Once again, we see the full nelson finish the match in under three minutes. Riki Attaki matches just aren't the same without Bobby Heenan making borderline racist jokes on commentary.

Match Thoughts: Remember when I said Billy Jack's match could've been a painfully dull squash if not for a couple of flashy moves that got thrown in? Well, this was basically Billy Jack's match without the flashy moves.

Again, the network cuts to commercial the second that Patera has his arm raised. I'd guess that they're editing something out of the original tapes.

Match Numero Tres: Paul Orndorff vs. Matt Starr

Orndorff has selected MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This" as his ring music, which is perhaps the least appropriate musical selection in pro wrestling history. Starr is rather large for a job guy and controls Orndorff early with a headlock, though Mr. Wonderful quickly reverses that in to a back suplex and tosses Matt from the ring. Starr is treated to a clothesline when he reenters, and a SWEET piledriver gets the job done for Orndorff.

Match Thoughts: Though I know that Orndorff worked both as a face and a heel throughout his career, I always tend to think of him as more of a heel because a.) it's the role he was most famous in, b.) it's the role I first saw him in, and c.) it's the role he last had when he was full-time in a major promotion. As such, it was a real shock to the system to see him playing to the crowd here, complete with a big pop when he began signaling for the piledriver. The novelty alone kept what would've otherwise been a dull match interesting.

Match Numero Cuatro: Ivan Koloff vs. Nikita Koloff

Nikita jumps his "uncle" at the bell, getting a quick back body drop and a clothesline that sends Ivan out to the floor. The elder Rooskie is slow to reenter the ring, so Nikita pounds on him as soon as he's through the ropes. The tide turns somewhat when Nikita misses an avalanche, which stings all the more since he is apparently nursing some battered ribs. Ivan continues to work over his nephew's injured body part and then applies a chinlock, which Abrams sells as a move that more young wrestlers should utilize. No wonder his promotion fell apart as quickly as it did. Nikita mounts a brief comeback off of a backslide, but Ivan stomps him and goes in to the bearhug. We hit a commercial break just as Nikita starts to fight his way out of the hold. He frees himself when we come back, though Ivan continues to dominate with boots to the ribs. After what feels like several minutes, he breaks the monotony with a legdrop and heads up to the second rope. Ivan misses a knee drop from that position and hobbles around, though he's still bright enough to sidestep a big lariat by his nephew. That sends Nikita to the floor, so he takes advantage of his position by grabbing Ivan's leg and slamming it in to the steel post. That sets up a figure four on the inside, but the time limit expires before Ivan has an opportunity to submit. After the bell, the Soviets brawl on the floor with Nikita using a chair on his kin.

Match Thoughts: This match was being taped almost thirty years after Ivan Koloff made his debut as a wrestler, and, physically speaking, he looked to be in damn good shape for somebody who was that old and had that many years in wrestling under his belt. Of course, the problem is that, even by the standards of the 1960's and the 1970's, Ivan was a pretty dull in-ring performer. So, no matter what shape he was in this match didn't have much of a prayer. It was slow, plodding, and didn't allow Nikita to display any of the Goldberg-esque intensity that made him in to a superstar.

Episode Two

Match Numero Uno: "Dr. Death" Steve Williams vs. DAVEY MELTZER~!

I'll give you three guesses as to where this jobber's name came from, and the first two don't count. "Meltzer" is decimated with clotheslines right off the bat, after which Dr. Death hits a powerslam. Abrams and Sammartino are burying "Meltzer" on commentary and speculating that there is some mysterious reason for Williams really wanting to hurt him. An outside-in vertical suplex is our next major piece of offense, and then "Meltzer" is blasted not once but twice from the three point stance. The Oklahoma Stampede is next, and that gets the three count. After the bell, Williams stuffs a dirtsheet down the jobber's throat. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not.

Match Thoughts: For those of you who may not have figured out what was going on here, I'll spell it out: Herb Abrams, promoter of the UWF, was angry about Dave Meltzer publishing negative reviews of the company in his Wrestling Observer Newsletter, so he named the pastiest, most out of shape job guy that he could find after the reporter. I was laughing so hard at the pettiness of it all that I couldn't really pay attention to the work, and my new goal in life is to get TNA to name an enhancement talent after me.

Match Numero Dos: Colonel DeBeers vs. Michael Allen

DeBeers goes to the arm early but quickly transitions in to just throwing his opponent around by the hair. DeBeers continues to dominate with fairly basic offense and looks to have the match won with a backreaker, though he pulls his opponent up as the referee is counting three. An interesting neckbreaker variation follows, and Allen manages to reverse a second backbreaker attempt in to a flying headscissors. (It looked like he was trying to do the same thing the first time around, though I don't know which guy screwed it up.) Mikey follows up with a dropkick, but a second misses. DeBeers is immediately back on the offensive, placing his knee behind Allen's back and then jumping off of the second rope to flatten the less experienced wrestler. A DDT gets the duke for the man from South Africa.

Match Thoughts: Gotta love the Colonel. Like Ivan Koloff, he was at the tail-end of his career at this point, but he at least managed to keep things entertaining as he dominated this poor nobody, with his knee-related offense looking particularly brutal.

Match Numero Tres: Cactus Jack vs. David Sammartino

If I were watching this at the time that it originally aired, I never would've guessed which man would go on to become a veritable legend in the sport. As the feeling out process occurs in the ring, both men are shown cutting promos on each other via picture-in-picture windows. (Foley: "I'd rather hurt a man than love a woman . . . but, David Sammartino, I'm going to have to settle for hurting you.") Cactus is rocking Elijah Burke-esque braids, complete with beads. Said braids go flying as David slaps him repeatedly before taking his opponent down and working the arm. When we return from a commercial, valiant babyface David pulls Cactus' hair to get him back down in to an armbar. Cactus punches his way out but inadvertently spears the ringpost, allowing David to slap on a hammerlock. Jack escapes by biting his opponent's stomach (?), and both men head to the floor, where Sammartino is dropped throat first over a railing. Mrs. Foley's baby boy suplexes his opponent back in to the ring when we return from some ads, and now we've got ourselves a heel chinlock in the middle of the ring. Sammartino powers out and hits a primitive version of the ocean cyclone suplex, but Cactus hits him with an inverted atomic drop. That is followed with the Cactus clothesline, and now Jack attempts to suplex the second generation star on the floor. That move is reversed, though, and David is fired up when we return to the ring. He's so fired up that he goes for . . . a small package? It gets two, and Jack responds with a swinging neckbreaker. David gets frustrated at this point, unloading with illegal closed fists on Cactus and even applying a choke. Then, out of nowhere, Cactus Jack headbutts the referee for the cheap disqualification. Herb Abrams acts like the official's decision was shocking given the circumstances. Again, I am unsurprised by how quickly his promotion flopped.

Match Thoughts: I've seen many of his matches, and I've come to the conclusion that David Sammartino is a very odd wrestler. Generally speaking, he looks fine in all of the execution of his moves, but what he seems to lack is a basic understanding of how a match should be structured. For example, there was the point in this contest at which the offense between the competitors was becoming more and more intense, and then, out of nowhere, he killed all of the upward momentum with a small package. Then he popped up as though nothing had happened and kept the intensity of the offense at the same level as it was prior to the nearfall. Despite the fact that things could have continued to elevate from there, he remained at the same level for entirely too long until Jack did his headbutt to end the match. Foley did look reasonably good here, but the match was primarily a showcase of David's biggest shortcoming.

Overall

I was trying to think of an analogy that I could make to describe the UWF to wrestling fans who weren't around in the early 1990's when it was originally on the air. I thought about comparing it to TNA, but even that isn't entirely apt because at least in TNA you have guys who could be putting on awesome matches night in and night out if they were booked in the right manner. Finally, I was able to come up with a hypothetical modern day analog for the UWF: Pretend that a promoter in 2008 has gotten a television deal on a somewhat well known but sparsely watched cable channel. Faced with the vast majority of the talented wrestlers in the US being under contract to either WWE, TNA, or ROH, he decides that he'll round up a roster consisting mainly of guys who have some name value despite either being past their prime or never that good in the first place. Before you know it, you're watching a show full of guys like Roadwarrior Animal, Heidenreich, Orlando Jordan, and Rick Steiner. Sure, UWF did manage to snag one or two guys who were still in great shape and still fine wrestlers, and they were smart to put them at the top of the card. (I'm thinking specifically of Orndorff and Williams.) However, the vast majority of the show featured wrestlers who were no longer with either the WWF or WCW and were no longer with those companies for good reason. The old tapes are fun to watch as a nostalgia trip/trainwreck, but don't tune in to ESPN Classic expecting to see great wrestling from a decade ago.