wrestling / TV Reports

411’s UWF on ESPN Classic Report 01.12.08

January 12, 2008 | Posted by Ryan Byers

Welcome back to even MORE of the UWF on ESPN Classic. I don’t have much the way of opening comments this time around, so let’s head right in to the alleged action.

Episode One (Footage originally aired as part of UWF Fury Hour in 4/91 )

Match Numero Uno: The Blackhearts w/ Luna Vachon vs. Dusty Wolfe & Big Bobby

Okay, this is awesome. The show is apparently being taped outside of NICKELODEON STUDIOS, as the building is visible in the background throughout the vast majority of this match and the rest of the episode. For those of you not familiar with the Blackhearts, they are David “Gangrel” Heath and another gentleman named Tom Nash under masks. (One of them would later be replaced by Dave Johnson, though I’m pretty sure that we’ve got the Heath/Nash pairing here.) They did pretty well for themselves in Stampede Wrestling before their UWF run and also spent some time in All Japan. Their outfits are identical, so don’t expect me to be able to tell them apart. Oh, and Big Bobby is fat. Really fat. The announcers claim that he’s 401, and that might be a shoot.

The Hearts attack their opponents early, tossing one and hitting the other with a double clothesline. Wolfe is isolated in the ring and manages to get a sunset flip, but Luna’s distraction prevents that from going anywhere. Dusty rolls to the outside, but whatever Blackheart is facing him leaps from the top rope and down to the ground with a double axe handle. Lou Albano, who is on commentary tonight, claims that should have been a disqualification. What? The big man tags in at this point, but he’s immediately caught with a Blackheart bulldog and a SWEET senton that connects to the fat hillbilly’s back as he was down on all fours. As if that weren’t embarrassing enough, little Luna beats the crap out of the big man when he rolls to the outside. Bobby is brought back in to the ring and hit with a double sholderblock as Craig DeGeorge makes fun of the fact that the jobber’s jeans are out of style. What a dick. We then get the worst finish in the history of tag team wrestling, as the Blackhearts try for the veg-o-matic but realize halfway through that Bobby is JUST TOO FAT. As such, they just lay him on the mat and have Blackeart A hold his feet while Blackheart B comes off the top with a legdrop.

Match Thoughts: This may have been the funniest UWF match that I’ve seen so far. Though there was one spot which was actually was cool in a non-ironic way (the senton), the rest of this was a laugh riot. It began with Nickelodeon Studios looming large in the background, and it continued with Big Bobby being horrendously uncoordinated and decimated by both Blackhearts AND Luna despite the fact that he probably outweighed all three of them put together. The finish was the sweet maraschino cheery on top of the sundae, as apparently nobody thought about the fact that it would be impossible to get Bobby up in to the Blackhearts’ finish until it was time to hit the move. Lack of foresight in wrestling matches never results in good things.

Match Numero Dos: The Power Twins w/ John Tolos vs. David Perry & Corporal Kirschner

The Power Twins are, as you can imagine, identical twins. I’ve seen them before. They were no good then, and I don’t think that they’re going to be any good now. The Corporal starts off with a Power Twin, and Corp works a headlock for a little bit before the Power manages to escape. Both men make tags, and the Power Twin in the ring “hits” a clothesline that may have grazed the top of Perry’s hair. The other Power then tags in and doesn’t do much better with his own version of the move. Seconds later, the twins connect with a double team vertical suplex and a elbow drop, which gets them the victory.

Match Thoughts: Despite the fact that the match was brief, the Power Twins still had plenty of time to display the fact that they’re awful professional wrestlers, screwing up even the simplest of moves. The contest may have been horrible, but it was noteworthy in one regard. If I’m not mistaken, this was the first time that we’ve seen a former WWF wrestler lose a UWF match cleanly. Granted, his partner was the one getting pinned, but you have to take these small victories where you can get them.

Match Numero Tres: The Lynx vs. Mr. V

I have no clue who either of these men are. Lynx’s getup reminds me of short-lived WWF character Battle Kat, but he’s so bad in the ring that I refuse to believe that he’s Kat’s alter ego Brady Boone. After some basic stuff on the mat, V actually busts out a nice looking Oklahoma roll. Lynx responds with a drop toe hold, but V makes the ropes before the kitty can follow up with any sort of submission. Lou Albano notes on commentary that he wet the bed until he was nineteen years old. Okay then. V elevates Lynx with a big slam and heads to the top rope, where he hits a lame version of the diving headbutt. He clearly landed on his hands and knees and then brushed his forehead against the Lynx’s body. (Though, given what we know about concussions in wrestling these days, maybe that’s not such a bad idea.) A bodyslam is next from V, and he tries for a piledriver but gets it reversed in to a back body drop. Albano is now praising George Bush’s efforts in the first Gulf War. That’s the first George Bush and the first Gulf War for those of you keeping score at home. Lynx “lands” the world’s most awkward dropkick, as he barely grazes V with his foot, lands on the back of his head, and then lays there as V falls right on top of him. I could’ve sworn that cats were supposed to be graceful. Lynx tries to climb the ropes, but V pulls him off and hits an atomic drop. Second later, Lynx scores the victory with a rollup.

Match Thoughts: This was clearly a match in which two men who were either inexperienced or outright not good were trying to make names for themselves by doing moves that they were not prepared to do. The basic stuff that they pulled off early in the match looked absolutely fine, and, had they just stuck with it until it was time to go home, the match would’ve been a perfectly acceptable affair. Instead, the two tried all manner of junior heavyweight style highspots, none of which looked good and at least one of which could have resulted in somebody being crippled.

Match Numero Cuatro: B. Brian Blair, Paul Orndorff, & Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Rusty Brooks, Boris Zhukov, & Bob Orton, Jr.

Jesus, Orton sure got the short end of the stick when it came to choosing teams for this one. For those of you who don’t remember Boris Zhukov, he had a cup of tea in the WWF as one of the Bolsheviks with Nikolai Volkoff. Brooks is even more obscure, but he was a WWF job guy for quite some time. If I recall correctly, his biggest claim to fame is wrestling Hulk Hogan on an episode of Saturday Night’s Main Event. Last I heard he was still working on the independent circuit in Florida and training wrestlers.

Boris is dominated by the babyfaces early, with Blair slamming him and tagging out to Orndorff, who assists the bee in hitting a double back body drop. Brooks tags in at this point, taking Mr. Wonderful off of his feet with a shoulderblock before falling victim to a dropkick. Bigelow is in at this point, taking down Brooks with a back elbow and a big vertical suplex. A headscissors is next for the Beast from the East, but it lasts about three seconds before Blair returns to the ring and drops an elbow on his opponent. Brian gets caught in the heel/jobber corner, though, where the bad guys choke away behind the ref’s back. When we come back from a break, the bad guys are still trading off on Blair with the most generic of offense. Orton saps the insect’s strength with a front facelock for a bit, and then Rusty checks in for a clothesline. Boris goes to the bearhug, a move that Bruno would approve of. Rusty Brooks is the one who ultimately fowls things up for his team, missing a move and allowing Bigelow to tag in. Bammer gets an avalanche and a headbutt on Brooks before unloading on Zhukov and beating him.

Match Thoughts: This match had the potential to be decent, but it wound up being just as bad as the majority of UWF matches due to a lack of cohesion on the heel team. Orton obviously knew what he was doing, and it looked like he even had decent chemistry with Brooks. Zhukov is the one that really threw a monkey wrench in to the works. It looked like he had no concept of when it would have been best for him to move in and out of the ring, instead opting to make his presence felt seemingly at random. It really killed the flow of the bout at a couple of points.

Episode Two (Footage originally aired as part of UWF Fury Hour in 1/91)

Match Numero Uno: B. Brian Blair w/ Honey & Captain Lou Albano vs. Bob Orton, Jr. w/ John Tolos

The announcers talk about these two having had a bit of a feud in the UWF, but we haven’t seen any of it here on ESPN Classic. Blair goes right to work with punches but runs in to an Orton knee and then gets clotheslined. Ace drops a good looking series of forearms after that, and there’s a knee to Brian’s face. Blair blocks a punch and starts firing back with some of his own, with Orton then taking the chest-first bump in to the turnbuckles. It doesn’t hurt him all that badly, as he quickly gets his opponent in to a Boston crab. After a commercial break, Orton has Blair in a waistlock. Brian breaks out and tries to maneuver Ace in to a hammerlock position but fails and settles for dropping a few knees in to his man’s back. Orton eventually escapes Blair’s clutches and hits an inverted atomic drop, after which stomping abounds. The Cowboy then slams his opponent’s neck in to the bottom rope and gives him a stun gun for good measure. Elbowdrops to the throat are next, one in the ring and one that connects while Blair’s neck is draped over the apron. Orton had a friggin’ awesome sadistic look on his face after he hit that second elbow smash. Now the mother from Family Ties is trying to sell me life insurance. She’s aged well. When we come back from that commercial break, Orton is on the top rope. He comes off with a forearm on to Blair, which gets two. Bob Jr. continues to hammer the bee, but Brian grabs his tights and throws him to the floor in a desperation move. When Orton reenters the ring, Blair has apparently recovered and takes him to school with various punches. He even manages to get Ace in to the sharpshooter, but Tolos interferes and breaks it up by hitting Blair with his shoe. Orton then pins Blair, but Albano breaks it up. The two managers remain in the ring staring at each other, completely distracting the referee as Orton sets up for the superplex. Ultimately Honey sneaks up on the apron and zaps Orton in the butt with a cattle prod. Even that won’t end the match, as Blair’s ensuing sunset flip only gets two. Tolos throws brass knuckles in to the ring, but Orton misses the catch. Blair grabs the weapon and blasts Tolos with it, but, when the referee sees Brian holding the knux, he is disqualified.

Match Thoughts: Ever watch a main event title match on a TNA pay per view? You know how many run-ins and weapons shots that they normally book in to the last five minutes of those things? Well, this match had just as many run-ins and just as many weapons, but all of it happened within the span of ninety seconds as opposed to five minutes. It was an absolute mess. The match up to that point was actually halfway decent, with the men being given more time than the majority of UWF contests get (over ten minutes) and working relatively well together. Blair showed some actual fire after two performances in which I accused him of not giving a damn, and I’m always a mark for Bob Orton softening up a guy’s neck. Unfortunately, all of the fun work had to be pissed away for the convoluted finish, because you know that nobody outside of Corporal Kirschner can lose a match in the UWF if they’ve been a star somewhere else.

David Sammartino cuts a promo on Ivan Koloff when we come back, playing up his father’s past with Ivan and claiming that he is dangerous when provoked.

Match Numero Dos: Ivan Koloff vs. David Sammartino

There’s a great commentary moment before the match begins, as Craig DeGeorge starts talking about how David Sammartino “isn’t the biggest guy in the world.” Instead of responding, Bruno stutters for a few seconds and eventually changes the subject to the size of the crowd. Ooo . . . somebody is disappointed in his son’s physique. We’ve got mat wrestling early on, with all manner of hammerlock reversals being exchanged between the two men. Koloff reverses one hammerlock with a drop toe hold and then applies a chinlock, which is probably the most mobility that I’ve seen out of the guy in his UWF appearances thusfar. David eventually escapes it and goes back to the arm, kicking and then barring his opponent’s limb. Koloff doesn’t help matters when he rams his shoulder in to the ringpost, which allows David to drop a knee on to the arm. After a break, the wrestlers are trading headscissors with one another. Get back to that arm, David! Surprisingly, he does, maneuvering in to a hammerlock. They then do an odd spot in which Sammartino goes for a backslide. Ivan kicks out, but the two men’s arms remain intertwined, allowing David to make a couple more attempts at getting the fall before Uncle Ivan ultimately escapes. When he does escape, the Russian Bear slaps on an abdominal stretch, though he’s sadly not close enough to the ropes to cheat. He does turn the hold in to a nice rollup, though, and he stays on top of David with a legdrop. A back body drop and a splash are next for Ivan, and then he slams a series of forearms in to his opponent’s chest. Sammartino starts to mount a comeback with some knees in the corner, and the camera gets in far too tight a shot of the cellulite on the back of Koloff’s legs. Ivan attempts to get a pin with his feet on the ropes, but the referee catches him and breaks it up. The wrestlers then spill out to the floor, and my cheap finish sense is tingling. Yup, there it is. They did a spot in which the two men were brawling on the apron which ended when Koloff backdropped Sammartino in to the ring. Of course, Ivan executed the move when the referee’s count was at nine, and he didn’t make it back in to the ring before the count of ten.

Match Thoughts: Much like the Blair/Orton match before it, I was really digging the work in this one until the lame finish. Koloff and Sammartino were both bringing their a-games and having a fairly decent mat wrestling match for the first several minutes of the contest. Had they been able to take that opening and build on it with the intensity of the offense rising and rising until a heated conclusion took place, this could have been a damn fine little bout. But, even though we got a fine “beginning” to such a story, the tale was cut off by the count out before we could get a “middle” or an “end.” Oh well, they probably would’ve just found some other way to screw it up if the count out hadn’t occurred.

Overall

I know that I was in love with yesterday’s block of UWF television, but I have to say that tonight’s shows may have eclipsed it. Though no one segment on this program was as entertaining as the out there Orton/Albano promo from last night, overall the unintentional comedy on this evening’s shows was more amusing. We had an attempt at running a serious pro wrestling show with a massive Nickelodeon billboard in the background, Lou Albano on commentary ranting about warfare and incontinence, the Blackhearts failing miserably at their finisher, Bruno’s embarrassment over his son’s weight, and the Lynx and Mr. V masquerading as wrestlers. All of these moments had me laughing out loud. Combine that with some truly surreal cameos (Zhukov? Kirschner?) and a decent wrestling move or two, and this was an easy thumbs up bit of cheesy early 90’s entertainment. Please, Vince McMahon, buy this tape library and hire me to put together a “The Fall and Continued Fall of the UWF” DVD.

Reader Feedback

Here’s our nightly comment from Eddie Chicago

I had a few too many last night, passed out during Impact, and missed Orton-Williams! Man I’m starting to slip in my old age.

Fear not, friend. Though I don’t know whether ESPN Classic will be airing every match that UWF ever televised, I do know that Orndorff and Williams met a few other times during the course of the promotion’s history. In early 1991 they had a brief match that went to a double countout, which was followed up a couple of weeks later with a lumberjack match. They wrapped up their rivalry with a ten minute steel cage match that somehow ended in a disqualification. Hopefully some of those bouts will get back on television before ESPN pulls the plug on its UWF reruns.

Matthew Burgess has a question:

I have too agree with you about the Orton-Captian Lou promo it was some funny television! I also really got into the Orndoff-steve williams match. The crappy finishes, are something that I’m assuming was one of the problems with the UWF. Also Ryan did they actually consider themselves to be a national promotion at this point?

I don’t know that I can really say what UWF thought of themselves, as I wasn’t behind the scenes. However, I can provide some information about the company and let you decide whether you would like to consider them a national promotion. In the early 1990’s their television program was carried on SportsChannel USA, a cable network that was available in most big television markets. (The vast majority of the local SportsChannel affiliates were bought out around 1997 to form the Fox Sports Network, which should give you some idea of SportsChannel’s scope.) They did put together one pay per view event as well as one prime time television special which I believe would have been comparable to a WCW Clash of Champions card. There was also a series of UWF home videos which I believe were available throughout the country. I don’t think that the promotion ever toured, and, to the best of my knowledge, the TV tapings that they held never drew more than one thousand fans.

I’d personally say that it’s difficult to call them “national” when they were running in fewer markets and drawing fewer fans than Ring of Honor currently does. However, there are also arguments in favor of the group being called a national promotion given the penetration of their television and the fact that their top talent would be recognizable to most wrestling fans due to their time in the WWF and the NWA.

And that’ll do it for tonight. If I’m reading ESPN Classic’s television listings correctly, there will not be UWF blocks airing on either January 13 or January 14. That means I’ll back late Monday night/early Tuesday morning with more from the demented mind of Herb Abrams. Until then, be sure to stop by the site on Sunday for my Custom Made News Report and check out my MySpace profile where you can add me as a friend to get bulletin notifications when I post new content here on the site.

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Ryan Byers

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