411's UWF on ESPN Classic Report 01.15.08

Posted by Ryan Byers on 01.15.2008

Never before has one young, small, pale, masked man meant so much to the quality of a wrestling show.

Hello, wrestling fans. After a weekend break, I am back for more hot UWF action. Unfortunately, I do have to step away from my recapping duties tomorrow night, though I have recruited young Randy Harrison of the MMA Zone to pick up the slack in my absence. Though he usually writes about real fights, Randy is well versed in the fake stuff as well, so I have the fullest confidence in his ability to man this ship.

Of course, the one thing that I DON'T have confidence in is the UWF putting on better shows this week than they did last week. Let's hope that they don't disappoint me.

Episode One (Footage originally aired as part of UWF Fury Hour on 12/17/90)

Match Numero Uno: Ivan Koloff vs. Matt Starr

Uncle Ivan gets an early schoolboy on his opponent, but it only results in a two count. The two men trade strikes with Starr getting the upper hand, but he runs in to a boot and finds a leg dropped across his face. A top wristlock is next from Koloff, and the he goes down to the mat with a chinlock. Several clubbing forearm's to Starr's chest connect, and the jobber fails at a sunset flip. Now the Russian Bear gets a little bit mean, stomping his opponent in the lower abdomen, rubbing his face in to the mat, and flattening him against the second rope. Believe it or not, Koloff comes off the top rope after this, landing a flying shoulderblock for the three count. Starr is beaten down with Koloff's chain after the bell for good measure. He had it coming, the punk.

Match Thoughts: This was actually not a bad little squash match. I wouldn't call it one of my favorite squash matches of all time, but I wouldn't bat an eyelash if it were inserted in to the middle of an episode of Sunday Night Heat in 2008. Unfortunately, competent wrestling is not what I watch UWF for. I want to get back to my trainwreck television, dammit!

Match Numero Dos: Don Muraco vs. The Intern

I've always loved masked wrestlers who adopt names which are not intimidating in the slightest. The Intern. The Bug. The Medic. You would think that if these men are going to look ridiculous while doing job duty in the most generic hoods of all time, they'd at least try to get monikers that make them sound like killers. Believe it or not, the Intern, whose physique is patterned on Winnie the Poo and whose skin is the color of uncooked cod, takes Muraco down early with armdrags. Fortunately the Magnificent one fires back quickly with high body slams, though the Intern bails. The masked man gets a little bit more offense when he comes back in to the ring, but the Hawaiian blasts him with a trio of clotheslines. Ultimately a tombstone piledriver sends the Intern packing.

Match Thoughts: Though I personally wouldn't have allowed the Intern to get any offense in if I were Don Muraco, this was the second perfectly acceptable squash in a row from the UWF. Things are too good on this episode. It's making the show bland, which in turn is making my mind wonder. The only thing I could think of during this match was how lucky we are that Vince Russo never heard about "The Intern," because otherwise we would've seen the gimmick revived in the WWF Attitude era, complete with horrible jokes involving the wrestler's similarities to Monica Lewinski.

Match Numero Tres: Steve Ray vs. The Blue Knight

Ray steals Jimmy Valiant's gimmick by grabbing a ringside child and dancing around the studio with him. I would pay good money to see a feud based on two men fighting over the rights to that schtick. The Knight ambushes his opponent while Ray is taking off his ring jacket, but the beach boy no-sells it and hits a Stinger splash. Knight even does the Flair flop out of the corner for it. They BADLY botch an armdrag at this point, with the Knight screwing up his jump and landing almost in piggyback ride position on Ray. Steve drops to his knees and allows his opponent to slide off of his back so that the move can still "connect." When we come back from a commercial break, the first thing we see is Blue Knight trying to take a bump but falling in to the bottom rope. The crack commentary team of Craig DeGeorge and Bruno Sammartino begin wonder aloud how the Knight can see anything through the mesh eye holes of his mask. Maybe his impaired vision is causing him to blow everything. Speaking of blowing things, the Knight takes two more BRUTAL armdrags. Instead of jumping on these, he walks around Ray's body until the two are facing each other and then takes a back bump. At this point the job guy does redeem himself somewhat by doing a Shawn Michaels-esque flip bump in to the turnbuckles, though the basic back bump he tries off of the ensuing clothesline looks awful. Ray finally puts the Black Knight out of his misery with a falling powerbomb, a move that neither of the announcers recognize.

Match Thoughts: Okay, forget everything that I said about this UWF episode being too good to be entertaining. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you Blue Knight: WORST JOBBER EVER. The whole point of these job guys is supposed to be making the big stars look good, and I fail to see how that goal can be accomplished when the enhancement talent trips over his own two feet performing even the most basic of wrestling moves. There were no fewer than five spots botched by the Knight in this sub-five minute match, and I sincerely hope that this man got the hell out wrestling as soon as the closing bell rang.

Match Numero Cuatro: Colonel DeBeers vs. "Cutie Pie" Louie Spicolli

DeBeers is now "a self-described racist" according to DeGeorge. Do real racists even describe themselves that way? The two men take turns bouncing each other's heads off of the turnbuckles early, with Spicolli getting the advantage and following up with a dropkick. DeBeers responds with strikes and attempts a piledriver, only to have it reversed in to a back body drop. That, combined with an elbow, gets two for Spicolli. The Colonel then pulls off a unique move, catching Louie offguard with an ear clap which he performed with his feet. Seconds later, DeBeers lands the old "pancake" maneuver but pulls Louie up at two. The Colonel's eyepatch has now slid so comically far out of place that even Bruno and DeGeorge are making fun of it on comentary. Imagine how blatant something has to be to get the clueless hack that is Craig DeGoerge to point it out. Up next from DeBeers is the avalanche knee from the second rope, and that sets up a DDT for the win. DeGeorge says that DeBeers calls the DDT "The State of the Emergency." Between that and the "self-described racist" line, DeGeorge is making the Colonel sound like a real moron tonight.

We also have POST-MATCH DRAMA~! DeBeers continues to beat on Spicolli, so the black referee with whom the Colonel previously had an issue pulls him back. When DeBeers tries to go after the ref, Iceman King Parsons runs in for the save. He runs the ropes and tries to hit DeBeers with his ass, but the Colonel bails before the Iceman's cheeks can connect.

Match Thoughts: We're back to another decent squash. Unlike the other jobbers on this program, Spicolli appears to have actually given a damn about his craft and his physique, so he could always be counted on when you need an enhancement guy that won't make your UWF star look like a huge goof.

Episode Two (Footage originally aired as part of UWF Fury Hour on ??/??/??)

I am unable to find the original airdate(s) for these matches. However, I can confirm that they are all from a series of tapings which took place late in 1990.

Match Numero Uno: Steve Williams vs. Robbie Allen

Glorious mullet on the referee for this match. Dr. Death lands a nasty Northern lights suplex early, as Allen had the back of his head hit the mat, which was followed by all of Williams' weight collapsing on him. An impressive standing dropkick from the Doc also connects, as does the military press slam. After a huge lariat, Williams works an armbar for no apparent reason and then tosses him from the ring. "I see a number of UWF fans out there in t-shirts," Herb Abrams remarks. No shit? Now we're on the outside, where Allen is bashed in to the ringpost twice and then slammed down on to the unpadded floor. A NASTY baseball slide dropkick rearranges Robbie's face, and Williams clips the knee back on the inside. The Oklahoma Stampede puts Robbie Allen out of his misery.

Match Thoughts: I don't know what if anything was going on here, but Steve Williams DESTROYED this poor man. I'm not using the word "destroyed" to mean that he made his worked offense look particularly devastating. I mean it appeared to me that Dr. Death was legitimately waylaying this poor man as hardly as humanly possible. It was captivating viewing from a trainwreck perspective, but it came off as being pretty unprofessional on Doc's end . . . just don't tell him I said that.

Larry Zbyszko is here for a promo! He's here to prove that he's the toughest man in the world.

Match Numero Dos: Bob Orton, Jr. vs. Stephen DeLeon

Orton enters the ring to the theme from Bonanza, which makes me chuckle for some reason. We've gone from a laughable mullet on the referee in the last match to a laughable bowl cut on Orton's opponent here. Ace controls with a front facelock early and just mauls poor Steve while he's in that position. The Cowboy's elbows and knees get a real workout at this point, as he repeatedly pummels the opposition with both of those joints. After a break, Orton applies a cravate. Chris Hero would be proud. DeLeon breaks it and shows some good fire with a series of punches, but he quickly runs in to a boot and has a knee dropped on him from the second rope. The fans are chanting for the superplex, even though I'm pretty sure Orton is supposed to be a heel at this point. Perhaps to prove my point, Bob drapes his opponent's neck across the ring apron and BLASTS it with an elbow. Orton then pulls off a military press in to a backbreaker, which is not a move that I would expect out of him. That leads in to the superplex that crowd wanted, and our match is over.

Match Thoughts: This would be our third perfectly acceptable squash of the evening in which I really have nothing to make fun of. Oh well, I suppose that they can't all be winners.

"The Unpredictable" Cactus Jack cuts a promo on New Yorkers, telling them to go see the historic sites in their city before he destroys them. Well, that certainly was unpredictable.

CAPTAIN LOU'S CORNER IS BACK~! It's got a great intro graphic this time, which includes the best picture of Albano trying to look stern that you've ever seen. Cap's guests this week are B. Brian Blair and Honey. They cut a promo on Bob Orton, Jr. and John Tolos. Apparently Blair is upset because Tolos called Albano a hasbeen. I don't know whether to bust out "If the shoe fits, wear it" or "That's the pot calling the kettle black" out of my bag of cliches.

Match Numero Tres: B. Brian Blair vs. "Cutie Pie" Louie Spicolli

Before the match can start we have an angle, as Orton has refused to leave the ring after his match so that he can confront Blair. They say things to each other on the microphone, but the audio quality is so terrible that I can't understand a single word of it. The announcers talk about the Orton/Blair feud and the Orton/Tolos relationships as though they are both brand new, even though the promo that we just saw made it clear that they'd been going on for a while. Eventually the heels just walk off for no readily ascertainable reason, allowing the match to begin.

The two men trade armbars early, and then they begin doing some really quick, crisp stuff off of the ropes with a Blair monkey flip and a pair of armdrags. Louie bails for a little bit, and, when he comes back, he gets back body dropped a few times. He heads to the floor for a second time, but he's chased back in to the match but Blair's valet. Louie does a comedy spot in which he tries to slingshot over the ropes but fails, tripping and falling on his face. This gives Blair time to climb to the second rope, where he begins waiving his arms around as though they were bees' wings. He ultimate comes off with a second rope elbow, which leads in to the powerslam and the sharpshooter for the win.

Match Thoughts: This was virtually identical to the Spicolli/DeBeers squash, which is a little odd when you consider the fact that Louie supposedly would've been working as a heel here and a face in the other bout. Despite that screwy fact, this was yet another decent squash match with a couple of fun moves occurring when the two men were running at each other as quickly as possible off of the ropes.

Overall

From a pure wrestling standpoint, this was probably the best block of UWF shows on ESPN Classic thusfar. Four the of matches aired had virtually nothing wacky happening in them, no moves that were horribly screwed up, and a minimum of idiotic lines from the announcers. All of this good wrestling would have left me disappointed in the block if not for one thing, and I think we all know what it is by this point: THE BLUE KNIGHT~! I again have to dub him the worst enhancement wrestler that I've ever seen. He reminded me of the first season of Tough Enough because he moved around the ring in the exact same manner that all of the contestants on that show did before they got a clue about wrestling. He was also repeatedly screwing things up . . . and then trying the same spot he had just butchered again and again and again. Part of me wants to see another Blue Knight match so I can determine whether he always wrestles this poorly or whether he was just having an off night. A different part of me wants to never see another Blue Knight match again and never learn who was under the hood just so the legend of this remarkably bad wrestler can live on in my mind, forever untainted. Good night, Bluey, wherever you may be.

Reader Feedback

Steve is here to identify a masked wrestler from Saturday's shows:

The Lynx was indeed Brady Boone doing his BattleKat gimmick. He wrestled two months after the Orlando tapings at the Beach Brawl PPV as "FireCat".

Well, there we go. Now that you mention it, I do recall hearing about the BattleKate/FireCat connection several years ago, but I failed to recall it last week. Even if I had, I don't know if I would've pegged either one of them as the Lynx.

Harry heaps praise upon the Blackhearts:

I was fully expecting Father James Mitchell to make an appearance with the Blackhearts . . . just because wrestling doesn't have enough occult things these days. We need more Disciples of the New Church, I tells you.

I would be fine with this. I have to say that I loved some of the Brian Lee matches that I saw in Smokey Mountain, but then he left the group and went on to bore me out of my mind for a decade straight. It wasn't until he joined TNA and started hanging around with Mitchell under the Disciples gimmick that I finally got in to some of his matches again. It's incredible what some mascara and a little brooding can do for a usually bland wrestler.

More Blackheart talk comes to us from Joe K.:

If they ever get around to the Blackharts squash against Joe DeFuria and Dave Johnson, it'll be worth a look. The finisher actually hits as both guys are of average weight so that's comforting.

Believe it or not, I've already written about that match right here on 411mania as part of a review of the UWF home video release entitled "Tag Team Tandems." It was over two years ago, but the column is still archived right here. Looking back on the review, it's incredible how my tastes have changed. I don't think I could enjoy a Power Twins match nearly as much now as I seemed to then.

And that's a wrap for tonight. Remember that if you add me as a friend on MySpace, you can get a bulletin notification as soon as I post UWF recaps or any other article to 411.